My Mother has always been negative and likes to point out where I’ve gone wrong in life. Looking back I’ve always been treading on eggshells and worried about upsetting her- she doesn’t like my job, most of my friends, my husband’s family-the list goes on. When I had my son who is now 17 she wasn’t afraid to criticize my parenting style which led to lots of fall outs in the family which were glossed over and forgotten about just to appease her. My Dad died 9years ago and my life changed overnight. An only child I have taken on more and more caring responsibilities to the point I’m now with her most days-shopping, gardening, housework you name it. As a result I can’t work full time, don’t see my friends or do what I’d like to do but I’ve come to terms with that. However when I’m with her I can feel the anxiety building, she’s so negative and outspoken and critical of me- I rarely get a thank you- she’s so draining. I’m bad tempered at home with my husband and son and just feel tense and unhappy. I don’t sleep well as I’m so anxious and have a permanent headache. We had a day out with her yesterday. I mentioned my son wanted to go to University - the same one I did years ago and she went very quiet. I knew trouble was brewing. She went on to say why would I want him to go there when I had wasted 4 years there and have been such a disappointment in life? I got cross and defensive as my son was there listening and she started crying saying I didn’t appreciate all the help she had given my over the years. Not a word about everything I do for her. So draining and hurtful and what got to me was my son saying later- you aren’t a failure Mum. I could honestly just walk away but won’t because of the guilt but I just want to be happy and she’s ruining my life. Sorry this is so long. Any advice or feedback would be great. x
This is were you are VERY wrong. You SHOULD just walk away and get on with living and enjoying your life, as life is WAY too short to spend it around such negativity.
Your mother is never going to change and it's such a shame that you don't think enough of yourself, your husband/marriage and son to put your mental health and well being before a woman who is slowly but surely destroying both.
Just because you are an only child DOES NOT mean that you must be the one who looks after your mother.
If she is requiring more care perhaps it's time that she move into an assisted living facility where she will be around other folks her own age, and be looked after by folks other than you.
But in all honesty since you didn't mention even one health issue that your mother has, I can't help but wonder why you're giving up your life for hers. Do you not think enough of yourself? I'm guessing the answer is no, and therein lies the problem.
So now it's time for you to get the therapy you need to learn how to set healthy boundaries, and learn how to say the word NO to your mother and others when needed. And also learn how to just walk away when your mother starts on her negative rants.
I know it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks, but perhaps in time when you continuously walk away(as in leaving and going and doing something you enjoy without her)after just a few minutes if she's being negative, she will catch on and try to be nicer.
But it's you that's going to have to change and get stronger, as you are the only person you can control.
You honestly owe your mother nothing....as in nothing. Just because she gave you birth doesn't mean that you have to give up your life, job, well being, friends, peace and joy now does it?
No mother would want their child to do that, just like I'm sure you'd never want your son to do that for you.
So start setting the example for your son as to what a healthy parent/child relationship looks like with healthy boundaries. He will thank you for it later, and you will be much happier in the long run.
So kick that unnecessary guilt to the curb and get on with living and enjoying this one life you have, and make yourself and your son proud.
Been there, done that. Your not alone. I honestly don't know where to begin
I was where you are!!!! I had to stop doing so much for mom because, I realized I mean more to me than my mom means to me. My family means more to me. My mom had her life, she lived and enjoyed her retirement years, so why shouldn't I.
I read something the other day actually that really struck me. It was about regrets, and the people that tell us, you will regret not taking care of your mom, when she dies. Ya know what, if I kept going on the path I was heading on, the only thing I would of regret was ruining my life, my marriage, me mental and physical health, for a woman that honestly only cares about herself.
I don't regret not doing enough for my mom, I regret those 3 years that I did and did and did, and got nothing in return, but do do do, and nothing was enough or good enough. I was throwing an amazing wonderful life away for a women that endlessly puts me down.
As for the guilt, I don't believe it is guilt. Ya know what it was for me, it was greif and accepting, that I'll never have a mother, that will love me unconditionally.
Ya can't be it all for mom and you don't have to.
I'll check back later, I think I'm going to have more to say after thinking on this.
my life and family. I’ve been so bad tempered and stressed the past few months and it all points back to her- it’s affecting how I treat my husband and son which is why I feel at breaking point now. Appreciate your reply x
Walk away . Live your life . You do not need to “ come to terms “ with your mother taking over your life . You are suffering from FOG . Fear , Obligation, Guilt. Your mother behaves like this to keep you as her servant .
Tell Mum she needs to hire help, because she needs more help than you can provide.
I put my life on hold , worked part time for a decade to the detriment of my own retirement savings . I regret not just the loss in savings . I also lost most of my friends in the process . Put a huge strain on my marriage. This all because my mother would not hire help . When my mother died , I got so angry at myself and depressed because I let my mother rule me.
Your mother sounds like mine. My mother was also a critical , lifelong gaslighting narcissist . You don’t have to subject yourself and son to this behavior . Stop treading on eggshells . So what if she gets upset . You have nothing to feel guilty about . You have done nothing wrong . You are allowed to live your life without mum’s approval .
Set boundaries . Read up on setting boundaries with a narcissist . Go to therapy . Learn the word No . Don’t let Mom ruin your life just because she’s old . People have to earn respect no matter how old they are.
Practice “ No mother , I will not do that “.
Transitioning her into a different place to live does not mean that you don't love her or care about her. It does mean that you understand what the priority is and what the consequences will be if you don't take action.
You don't have to discuss any of it with her until you have made some decisions and progress. You (or her PoA if she has one) will need to figure out where she should go: an apartment? AL? Another relative? Does she have the finances for this? Even if she doesn't, there are still solutions.
Then you give a move-out date. This is not just for her but for you. And do not give a reason for transitioning her because she will only start negotiating with you. If you get into the emotional weeds of her critical nature... that won't be helpful. Just tell her you want your time and privacy back and this is the only way it will happen. Then change the subject.
If she gives you pushback or problems, come back to this forum for further suggestions on how to get a move-out done. I wish you strength, courage, clarity, widsom and peace in your heart as you correct the priorities in your life.
Let me translate for you:
“I accept that I am nothing but an emotional punching bag for my mother. I don’t deserve a life. I am worthless because my mother has told me that all my life. She still calls the shots. I will have to wait until she dies to start living my own life.”
Sad, right? Giving birth does not a mother make. The problem isn’t mother. It’s you, because you’re still the little girl who only wanted your mom’s love and approval. I don’t mean that as an insult! It’s very common with crazy parents like her. I mean, if your own mother treats you like garbage, as a kid you accept you’re garbage.
You were at her mercy as a kid. Not anymore. Maybe therapy would be a good idea to unpack why you have such little regard for yourself. You can overcome this!
You're preaching the truth here. I went to therapy and it helped me a tenfold because my mother is exactly like what you describe in your comment here.
Yet you have CHOSEN (I do mean to capitalize that word) to do a lot for her.
Why? Because this IS your choice as an adult.
You have also chosen to take "seriously" her continual critiques of the world in general and you and your choices in particular.
You have assumed the mantle of victim here as though it is an earned reward; you cannot work full time because of her?
No, again you CHOOSE not to work full time so that you can continue to "do" for someone who you will never make happy; happiness isn't her gig and it isn't her goal.
I suggest that you seek the help of a good therapist. Please don't do any of that online nonsense. Those folks get paid almost nothing to do "therapy" and they are worth even less. Get a good cognitive therapist who can shake you up a bit and set you on a different path to bring wholeness and happiness to your life. Your mom is ALREADY quite happy. This is how she likes it. The ball is now in your court. You have a choice to make for your own happiness. Or NOT. Many stay in the role -- and families are full of role-play of the helpless victim.
From the time you were in the school yard you were familiar with the "schoolyard bully", am I right? From the time two girl friends got together to shut you out and make you feel small you were aware that some folks take delight in abusing others, right? Sadly your Mom is one of them. There's a secret to dealing with the type. Steer CLEAR of them.
I wish you good luck, but there's no magic wand. This will take work. And it will take change. And it is HARD work. But you will feel very proud of yourself (and SHOULD) and you will never again need the opinion of a mean-spirited old crone to make you feel worthy--not ever again. You will be able to laugh at her nonsense and that will be the day you know you're healed.
Good luck Nicole. There's no question you deserve this. The only question is--will you CHOOSE it.
Here's some feedback for you and this is how I handle my mother. I hope you will try it.
Basically you tell your mother to cut the crap today or you will not do a da*n thing for her. Then stay true to your word and do absolutely nothing for her. Bring in outside hired help (that she pays for) who does her shopping, errands, etc... If they don't cover everything and you're still willing to help her great. If she refuses to cooperate too bad.
If she's living in your house, you have the upper hand here. So go to the housing court and have her legally evicted. Throw her out. She is not a child. You are under no obligation to house, feed, or clothe her.
The second she starts with the senior-brat behavior, the criticizing, or any other negative, instigating nonsense you cut her off quick then walk away. Your husband, son, and yourself come before her. Stop putting her first.
A couple weeks ago one of my mother's homecare aides was on vacation. So, I helped out. I did this work for 25 years so I know it. My mother saw this as an opportunity to instigate, complain, and engage in some verbal abuse. When I brought her groceries in she started up. So I dropped them on the floor, got in my car and drove away. I don't tolerate senior-brat behavior for one second. I did not take her calls for a week. Let them go to voicemail.
You never tolerate the senior-brat behavior or the gaslighting and guilt-tripping for that matter.
A little F.Y.I. here. The parents who try to guilt-trip their adult kids about how much they did for them over the years, usually didn't do all that much.
No parent gets points for doing the basics of parenting for their own children. It's their job to provide and care for their kids.
Please stop tolerating her crap. You, your husband, and your son will be a whole lot happier and better off if you do.
You CAN tell your mother that you'll be over Saturday mornings, and that's it.
You CAN create the life that you want and need.
You CAN believe that your mother has HAD her life.
Now, go live yours.
When I was a teenager, I made my first real suit in dressmaking and tailoring that included bound buttonholes. I may have mentioned this before, but anyway, she made all types of complaints about my suit. It was a really complicated pattern that had quite a few pieces and so my shop teacher had some great techniques in finishing up a garment. Sure, it was old school techniques, but it was learning to use certain stiching techniques placing horsehair interfacing and not that cheap iron on crap we use today. This was a tailored made suit. When she got finished telling me that the hem was too thick and all other things she felt that was wrong with it, I never attempted another challenging project due to her silly nonsense. As the kids say today; "the suit was dope." Everything was in place. There was nothing wrong with that hem either. The hem held the skirt in shape. Even her friend told her that she had been sewing for years and was never that good.
Even now I have problems accepting compliments because that voice in the back of my head keeps saying it's not that good when it is.
When I completed my Certified Nursing Assistant's training, I never heard good job, Scampie. What I got is what are going to do empty bed pans for the rest of your life? Just plain nastiness. My father was no better.
I took care of her when she got pancreatic cancer, set up doctors appointments, hospice care and finally the funeral arrangements. Of course, family members didn't like what I did and criticized that as well. None of them did any of the heavy lifting taking her to doctors appointments or even making any transportation arrangements to pick her up from the hospital. I would even get calls on my job with SIL wanting to hold long conversations on the company phone disturbing everyone while I had sales to attend to until my manager put a stop to it.
However, when my niece managed to get arrested, dad wanted what was left over of the insurance money that I was going to use for the house taxes. I told him no and that money was going towards the house taxes.
It is a lot more that happened as well.
You will never get their approval. Caretaking is a choice.
Being the trash dump or scapegoat and always being available no matter how it interrupts your life would need to stop.
Setting boundaries is the first step.
I went to Kohl's, moms been wanting to PJs, I found some decided to drop them off today. I was there yesterday, I almost never go 2 days in a row. Try to only go 1 or 2 xs a week. This made it 3xs .
Anyways, I'm dyslexic, mom always pokes fun and giggles when I make mistakes, so of course my mistakes around mom are much much higher than, around my hubby, and friends.
Moms standing there , staring at the PJ, I said I got her a large, she is starting at them and starts to giggle at my mistakes because I got her a medium, she wanted medium, she new it was a medium, because she was looking at the size, and she is giggling like a school girl, teasing another playmate on the play ground.
This has been my life, I've asked her several times to stop. I didn't stay long and I now it's time for me to take a long break.
So you are not alone, and I texted my brother told him I can't go to moms next week, I'm really busy.
And now what I'm going to do is , take a long walk, get it outta my system, put it outta my mind and enjoy my week, away.
All that aggravation today was my own darn fault , honestly no one to blame but myself.
This is all on her. She wants to spread her misery. I am struggling to come to terms with this myself. I’ve had some awful realizations that make my head spin and my heart hurt. But I have walked away.
When my husband died (soon after my father died) my mother made it about her. She told me my time to be happy was over. I stayed in my house, in my city, doing my thing. I remarried and had kids, and she called me selfish. Moved her next door to us so I could care for her and she tried to kill herself because she wanted me 24/7, and didn’t want to share me with my husband and children. It’s as if she hates seeing me happy. Weird eh? I want my kids to be happy, fulfilled, kind, and I want the to feel safe and supported.
So I totally get the guilt and your attempts to make her happy and win her approval. Try scaling back instead of a full stop. Next week go 5 times. The week after, go 4. Down to 1 time. Baby steps to start. You may learn that you’re her enabler and she actually should be in care. (I had to place my mother)
Many of us have stories the same as yours. I visit my mother once a month. Now that I’m no longer a slave to her whims she insults me. I don’t react - I just leave. I hold the power.
Take back your life! She has her own life. She is not entitled to yours too!
I get the distinct feeling from your post that your mother is jealous of you and your family, life choices, youth and good health. She is dealing with her jealousy by doing her best to ruin all those things for you. Toxic. I’m so glad you’re taking the first step to save yourself.
Why do you need to do so much for her? Is she an invalid? If she needs help and can afford it, she needs to hire a Homecare aide. A few hours, a few days a week. How dirty does one get a house living alone. Gardening? I don't do mine, DH does. So, I would not be doing my Moms either. Mom needs to hire the people she needs. Tell her you need to get back to work to pay for sons Uni. There will be no time to help her. See what resourses are available. I am assuming that u do not live in the US. Here we have Office of Aging for resourses and bussing to shop and appts.
I love the definition that Mom is a bully. Really, she is insecure and by putting you down, makes her feel superior. Look up "Gray Rock" method and see if it would work for you. Burnt is so right in that you have a right to drop the groceries on the floor and walk out. You deserve respect. The best way to get it is to demand it. When Mom starts respecting you, you will respect her. She really doesn't deserve ur kindness.
I love Burnts definition concerning Honoring your parents. It has nothing to do with caring for them or puttingvup with them. It means you become the best person you can be, thats how you honor them.
You stated, that you stopped working full time, and "most days, you are shopping, gardening, housework, etc for her." STOP ALREADY - SERIOUSLY!
Why are you doing these chores - all of that should be implemented - a landscaper every other week...grocery shopping or any other shopping online for her ...and housework?? Bring on a housekeeper to clean her house every week or other week.
Spend less time with her - get her to adult care care - separate your lives! Being an only child only means that you may be the only one available to set up a plan-of-action for her - but NOT to do the actual work!
Please "undo" everything that you're currently doing....you'll feel a lot more free. The fact that she called you a "disappointment in life" is actually a gift that she just gave you. I would remember those words of hers to "fuel you" into detaching yourself from her daily needs, arrange other resources in place for her - and Go Live Your Best Life!!
You have a son with your Husband, not your Mother.
You are a disappointment to your Mother? Seriously?
What is she, the Queen? What has she done so "worthy" in her life, except be obsessed with herself? Does Mom have a 4 year degree?
Get a job with that degree, and find something rewarding to do with your life, instead of tolerate your Mother's nastiness. The time you waste on your selfish Mother you will never get back.
Stop burning daylight.
If she’s not even grateful, then have her find and pay people herself to do what she wants. Dont take her calls.
I really wish I packed up and walked away that day. I stayed doing what I did because people told me you might not be able to look yourself in the mirror after she’s gone if you don’t. All I feel is a deep regret for pouring two additional years of my life down the drain.
I should have left my sister to deal with it all. I thought I was supporting her. What a winner she turned out to be.
This was so not worth the time and the financial and emotional sacrifices and all the lost nights sleep worrying about my parents f****g Medicaid applications.
I thought I was helping family. What I learned is I didn’t really have one.
Cut off the power to your source of pain, which is your mother and her horrible tongue, and then you'll start to heal. Otherwise, anything you try is only a bandage on a gaping wound that requires serious intervention to cure.
Best of luck.
That quote is attributed to Abraham Lincoln.
You are not responsible for making your mother happy. You are not responsible for making anyone happy but yourself.
Stop trying to be a people pleaser. It's a waste of your time and energy.
As soon as the criticism starts, that's your signal to GTFO (get the f out) fast. "Oops, is that the time? Sorry, Mom, gotta go - love you - bye!"
Do not take the bait and respond to the criticism or try to defend yourself, because that rewards the critic and just invites more criticism. People like this are fueled by drama, so don't give it to them.
If Mom is so unhappy with all the "shopping, gardening, housework you name it" you're helping her with, do her a favor and quit. She can hire someone else or move to senior living where these things taken care of.
Just because she's your mother, doesn't mean you have to take her abuse.
Find a job where your efforts are appreciated and you are fairly compensated.
I am sorry for you that your mother is a toxic mess.
There is no free pass on abuse.
Take a vacation.