My mother will be 87 in less than two weeks, very agile for her age. It fools people into thinking she is in good shape. She was diagnosed with Moderate Dementia and Alzheimer's in Dec 2025. She currently lives in a one bedroom apartment with a small kitchenette and a community room the 4 other residents share. They get meals provided Monday - Friday, cleaning services and help with laundry if needed. She is wearing out her welcome in the building. She has a Pomeranian dog that barks constantly. Her short term memory is getting to be terrible. The staff thinks she needs a higher level to keep her busy and out of trouble. She creates problems weekly. Hounding the maintenance, dietary, cleaning staff about something. The other residents are also feeling it. She is always in everybody else's business. Her PCP isn't very cooperative she basically has show timers at every appointment. Her neurologist is hit or miss and not all that helpful. I am an only child with a husband that has multiple health issues. I can't do it all, but she is insistent that she doesn't need to move to a higher level, mainly because she won't be able to take her dog.The dog is a whole other story. She yells at him and hits him with a newspaper frequently. When I bring him to my house, he barely lets out a peep, and acts like a completely different dog. Her wild energy sets him off, and he clearly is stressed. When I am there, I always take him out for a walk and a potty break. She always says she just took him out. He claws at my pantleg in desperation, so it's the first thing I do, every single time.There is a lot to unpack here, and she's able to fool a lot of people for awhile, but even her church people are seeing she is not with it for the most part and have made their thoughts known to me. I take her for haircuts all medical and dental appointments, grocery shopping for weekends and snacks, all the vet appointments for the dog. She acts out lots of the times in the stores. One time last summer walking out of the dressing room in her underwear. I went to get her another size of jeans, and the next thing I know, she is in the store part, not in the dressing room in just her underwear. Sometimes, I think she does things like that to insight me. It's been the same or similar my whole life. When checking out she explains to the cashier that I handle her money. Well, I sure do, it was a hot mess when I took it over 2 years ago. The list goes on and on. I would like her to get moved before she hurts herself or someone else. For example: She locked the door of her building one night this winter, leaving a man outside in the cold. He uses a walker, and had just gone out the door two steps to put his garbage bag in the can outside the door. It's a French door with windows, his walker would have been next to the door. She didn't see him or the walker??? He had to walk around the entire building, in the snow, after dark to get in the front door. No one knows why she did that. It's scary. How do you know when it's time to get a higher level of care, and how to make the move without tantrums and drama every single day?
From what you describe, it sounds like your mother needs a higher level of care.
When it was time for my mom to move to memory care, my brother took her out for several hours while I packed her things to move. Once her room in MC was ready, I texted my brother, and he drove her to MC. I met them at the entrance and walked her into the building. Soon after, the MC nurse came over and introduced herself to mom. (The drop-off routine was pre-planned with me and the MC.)
I told mom "The doctor wants you to stay here a few weeks for some special physical therapy." We picked this story because Mom enjoys PT.
The MC nurse was very friendly and put my mom at ease. They walked off together while I slipped out unnoticed. When I came to visit a few days later, Mom had no memory of me being the person who took her to MC.
It's been 6 months now, and it was definitely the right decision to move her to MC.
For my Dad to move to Memory Care, I was lucky that Dad still understood finances. I told a therapeutic fib saying it would cost less than his current apartment (it cost more). Dad was happy about that, and even though his space in Memory Care was just a bedroom (compared to a nice apartment he had in Independent Living) Dad was happy with his new "college dorm room" and the money he was saving. His only concern was if meals were going to be prepared by the same chef (they were).
Would you be able to keep the dog at your house? Before your Mom moves to Memory Care, make up a story that the dog needs his/her annual checkup, then say the dog need testing, that way you keep the dog with you. Then when and if Mom can move to Memory Care, tell her after the move no dogs are allowed, but the dog will be living with you. Hopefully everything will be win-win.
Move Mom ASAP. If they don’t have a bed look at other facilities that do. A waiting list is not good enough , imo , unless they know its a very short wait .
Mom will have a fit . Oh well. She’s no longer capable of making wise decisions where to live .
Needs outweight Wants. You need the strength and guts to do this. Roles are reversed and you need to come to terms that. You have to take the role of authority, as sucky as that is, it is necessary for all involved.
She doesn't qualify for a higher level of care at this time, according to her LTC Insurance. The Administration is aware, and are putting her on a wait list for Memory Care, where there may be an opening soonish. It is a better fit than AL. We need her secure.
There is a leak in the bathroom...we need to fix it. The repairs will take a week. We have to move you to another room. They then place her in Memory Care. And until the repairs are done and we can move you back to your room "MamaJams" can take "Fido". (sorry to put taking the dog on you but she can no longer care for or control it properly and safely)
So sorry your PCP and your neurologist are also not helpful. My dad's neurologist was awful so I was able to get him referred to a University Research Alzheimer/Dementia Clinic. It has still been difficult to work through what I expected from them versus what they are willing/abla to do. However, if you can find one of these clinics and talk with their family counselor/gerontologist you may get the assistance you need.
They can help with POA, making clinical recommendations regarding moving to higher levels of care, therapeutic fibbing to make the patient more compliant. and educating you (plus other family) about Dementia behaviors. I had no idea some of what I considered "manipulation" by my dad was actually a typical Alzheimer's behavior.
I have found posting here can be very helpful to me because I just need to rant. I also have received a lot of good advice. However, there will be people on here who will try to fix it for you and tell you pointedly what you should be doing. (I have actually done this to someone else and regretted that I didn't respond in a gentler way.) This is ALL difficult and every situation, relationship, and journey is different. None of us can know what is fully right in someone else's situation. Just know your love and care for your mother comes through in your post. I can hear that you want what is best for her even if she doesn't agree with it. It is okay to make the best decision and let her be angry. No matter what decision is made, she may not like it. I know my dad will not like my decision. This is hard.