First of all, I would like to thank you for answering previous questions regarding my mother...She had a terminal liver cancer...
Yesterday, I posted a question about my mother telling me that she would die on Wednesday...Many of you were kind enough to offer your opinions...
I never called the social worker or the nurse about her comment...I thought my mother is being too anxious again...
On Wednesday, around 6 pm...I was in the gym...A nurse called me...She handed over the phone to my mother...A cordless phone...I had a tough time understanding my mother...I think I heard her say "When home?"...I told her that I will take her home next week after I get the caretaking training at her nursing home...She did not answer...I kept on saying "hello?"...I eventually disconnected...
9:14 pm...The nurse called me. He told me that my mother had no pulse...He asked me if I wanted him to call paramedics...He knew that I indicated DNR at the beginning of her stay at the nursing home...I told him to call paramedics...I was hoping for some miracle.
10:05 pm...The nurse called me. He said that he was sorry that my mother passed away...The paramedics did not take her to the hospital...Too late...
I went to the nursing home with my cousin and her husband...I did see my mother's dead body...
The nursing home was not allowing visits until next week because of coronavirus concerns...However, the nurse let me inside with other family members...
Around 1 am, my mother's body was taken to the mortuary...
She passed away after spending almost 3 weeks in the nursing home...She went there after 6 days in the hospital...In the past 12 months, my mother went to the emergency room once every few months...
I was going to see her last Friday...Then somebody, at the nursing home, tested positive for Covid 19...No visit until next Monday...
What a misfortune...I never visited her in the nursing home while she was alive...I only spoke to her on the phone ever since she was transferred there...
I did not call anyone in the nursing home after my mother told that me she was going to die...Who knows if I had called? I do feel bad...
Last week, my mother told me to get an oxygen machine at home because it is tough for her to breath...On Wedneday, she told me that it was tough for her to breath...I thought that it was not a new complaint...
My friend, who is an experienced RN, came to offer me moral support...
I told him that maybe I should not have indicated DNR...He thought there was nothing wrong with I indicating DNR...He was not sure that it would be a good idea to do CPR on my mother...She was weak...She weighed 90 pounds...
I am really sad that I was not next to her when she passed away...My friend pointed out that people frequently die, in the nursing home, without the loved one present...
I guess I was not really prepared for my mother's death...Why could she not live until I bring her home next week? How about living a few more weeks? Yes, I am engaging in foolish thinking...Asking "what if"...I guess I should stop thinking that way...I guess eventually I will move on...When? Who knows?
Yes, I do have a regret...I did not make a lot of money so that my mother could live in some nice home in suburbs...She lived in some senior apartment instead...
My mother's cremation will be probably next week...
I do have her voicemail messages on my cell phone...She left them when I turned off the phone because I was doing some part time job...She called from nursing home...For some reason, I did not delete them a few weeks ago...I am not deleting them now...
Thank you for reading...
it sounds like you were a very loving and thoughtful child. Your mother had cancer and was at a place to help her get ready to return home. That was a sound decision and no one knows how long we have left. Not long ago, I heard a story that no one dies alone. Even if no one is in the room, deceased family members or angels come to the dying person and guide them home. My aunt recently died and she saw her husband in the room calling for her. She said she was ready and she passed away. I hope that you will eventually find peace with your mother’s departure. It sounds like you have great love and admiration for her. Those are the most important things we can give on this earth.
Indeed, I am still in shock...My mother did talk to me about my life after her death a few months ago...I was not comfortable having that conversation.
Indeed, so many feelings to process...My nurse friend is helping me with that...
The doctor was reluctant to send my mother back to her apartment when she was not able to walk or stand...
Back then, she did not insist on returning to her place...She went along with the doctor's recommendation...Her mind did change later on after a few weeks at the nursing home...
My mother's older sister passed away several years ago...Maybe she "guided" my mother home...
Be kind to yourself though your journey of grieving.
I need to force myself to acknowledge that she was ready...
"Be kind to yourself"...I think that will take a while...
Remember the good times you had together. You did the best you could and that’s all anyone can do.
"She is free of pain now"...Yes, indeed...
At her home, she once asked when I am going to die? On that day, she was really having intense pains...
I may have told you on other posts by you that I lost my brother in May. While I live in the Bay Area, he lived in So Cal. All our lives we were so close, and in this last year I was back and forth to him, handling his affairs and so on, getting him moved into ALF where his ex partner and now friend was. Yet when he died it was so fast and unexpected, a cellulitis moved to septic shock, and he was well enough to request going home to die. He and I had long discussed our wishes for no CPR. Hospice talked with me as did his facility. They were on initial lock down tight, as covid free, wanting to stay that way. They told me not to come; too much a risk to me, and couldn't see him except virtually on the day of his death, so for me it was on phone with him, and a hospice nurse asking him to squeeze his hand if Dee heard me. I know the feeling of not being there.
As to the CPR I was a nurse, often forced to batter old fragile bodies to no good outcome, to hear and feel bones snapping under my hands. It is gruesome end. Be happy she didn't have to have a last assault on her helpless body.
Guilt? You aren't an evil doer who delighted in pain. Guilt is not for you. Try another G word. It is GRIEF. Guilt says you could have changed this somehow. But you could not have. So you are left now with grief. And this is worth grieving. Take your time.
Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.
Feeling of not being there...It is a terrible feeling...
Thank you for describing CPR on somebody like my mother...My mother was very weak...She only weighed 90 pounds...I think DNR was the right decision for her based on your description...
We mere mortals don't control these things. ((((((((hugs)))))))) to you.
"We mere mortals don't control these things."...A true statement...
But, I will need some time to accept that reality...
My friend came from another part of state and spent some time with me yesterday...He will spend time with me again today...
I am sorry about your father...
My nurse friend told me that, if his mother had a terminal cancer, he will ask for the DNR...
I told one of my housemates about my mother's death...He met my mother several times. Every other week, she visited the house I was living in...She took care of the laundry while I was at work...The housemate told me that he could see that my mother really cared about me...
Sounds like God had let your mom know that her time here on earth was coming to an end, and now she is rejoicing with the angels in the presence of the Lord. It doesn't get any better than that for her, but I know for you and those left behind grieving, the days, weeks, and months ahead will be hard as you now learn to navigate life without your mom. Praying for God's peace and comfort to surround you in the days, weeks, and months ahead.
Yes, indeed, like you stated, I should not be engaging in second-guessing...
But, I have to admit that I was frustrated at times with my mother in the last few months when she was at her apartment...
I asked her to eat...But, sometimes, she refused to eat anything...She would not get out of her bed...I was frustrated...
I once tried to give my mother morphine to deal with her complaints about pain...She was once in hospice program...I asked her if she wanted morphine...I think she said yes...She sounded weak...She eventually refused to take morphine...I was upset...I thought that I was doing what she wanted me to do...
I feel bad that I got so impatient with my mother at times...