My Mother was youngest of 9. Recently, to strike out at me, she took off and went home. Leaving me searching , ultimately involving Police , only to find she just went home. Fortunately, a neighbor has my number & called me, informing me she was home. Police reviewed store videos, showing her taking off. I've reached my limit, it was intentional and an act of meanest to cause me distress.
My Mom has lived with myself and my siblings creating situations where we just had to have her leave (30 years). This time, she said she wanted to live in a highrise with a terrace and on a bus line. I found the place and moved her in.
This was just highlights of one week. I omitted somethings to keep it short.
Sounds like your mother can live alone (and kind of has to, right? She's worn out her welcome everywhere else) and can function. My mother will do the same kind of stuff. Act all babyish and incapable on the one hand, yet is perfectly OK to make decisions. Mother was also "babied" by her father to the point it was not healthy. He died 53 years ago and she has stated many times she hasn't had a "happy day" since then. She's 86.
There's not a whole lot you CAN do. I opted to take a break from mother. I know she's safe, she lives in an apt. with my brother's family. I was going twice a week to clean, run errands, etc., and I have stopped. Suddenly I am hearing how dirty her apt is, how it smells, etc. Well, nobody is cleaning! This has been a bit of a wake up call to the other sibs. She had them all fooled thinking she was much more competent to care for herself, and she's not. I'm so sick of the pouty face, the poor-pitiful me routine--can you step away? She's got neighbors who can check on her, would they do that?
She is manipulating you and I would bet she's just enjoying herself. Can you take a break (a long one??) You would not put up with behavior like that from a kid--if your mom is competent--you shouldn't put up with it from her.
I have not really spoken to my mother for nearly 2 months now. At first I felt horrible guilt--now I am in the groove of not seeing her and I feel so much better. My 4 other sibs are off board and only show up for the occasional drama. How are your other sibs handling this?
She's got you right where she wants you--dancing attendance. Just. Quit. (Seriously, my pscyh dr told me that exact thing. Just. Quit.) YES, I felt guilty and bad at first, but now I don't do anything for her that I don't want to do, or that is not appreciated or necessary. (Running out in a full on blizzard to get a book for her friend's birthday 6 days away..NOT NECESSARY). Mother tells everyone I am having a snit, and that's fine. Maybe if you do feel she needs help, hire outside help. Likely she'll treat them better than she treats you.
Sorry for the overlong answer--your post hit a nerve!
I remember my Grandmother, self sufficient till her passing, insisting on keeping her own residence. I don't know where this comes from. Thank you for responding, at least I know this is not an isolated case of elder misbehaving. It is harder than bringing up children, and my child was/is special needs.
I actually worked for an Elder Care company and my first client was one deemed "difficult". She'd already fired 3 people in the 2 weeks before I was hired (Of course I didn't KNOW this). We got along just fine. She wasn't my mother, I was closer in age to her older children, I was being PAID to get "bossed" and I knew how to keep her safe and happy. I was able to work for her, take her quirks and oddities and the aging and problems that Parkinson's comes with in stride. Again--BECAUSE she wasn't my mother. She drove her family crazy!!
This might be a possibility for you. I guess I was a rare commodity, an older woman who had understood the patience required for the job. I could only work 32 hrs a week w/o being deemed FT and the company nor I wanted the hassle of that (I also had another PT job)--so she was my one and only. Maybe trying this for your mom would help you. This lady lived with family in her own home and did eventually end up being placed in a lovely ALF. But I worked 2 years for her.
We're in a situation with mother where she wants more attention from family (it's not happening) she's asked me to leave her alone, my brother is at his wit's end with her and she is oblivious. I wish my brother would look into hiring someone to come help mother 2-3 times a week and I know she'd behave for them, where she can be really a pain for the rest of us.
Good luck. I know mom is just in her 2nd childhood, the problem is, it can last one heck of a long time! At least if mother went "wandering" she couldn't go anywhere, she can barely walk. Your mom sounds like a holy terror--jumping buses, leaving you at stores. You have a right to feel frustrated!
I am glad for you that you do have SOME support with family. And no, you are certainly not alone in this.
Yes, she is nicer to non-family, but she always was. I've concluded that she doesn't think she needs to be nice to us. What are we going to do about it....kinda like we're stuck. I know this sounds awful, I love my Mom, but mothers are people and not all people are what you would like them to be.
Your mom sounds just like mine.
I am so exhausted, Donna.
Mom also was an indulged only child, smart, with beautiful red hair.
Dad is older and did everything for her.
Once I told her that I was going away to visit my son at college with
my boyfriend. We were seated on the patio at a coffee
place when I delivered this news. She got angry, jumped up,
told me I should be taking her, then ran away as fast as
she could down the sidewalk.
Very scary. That was over a year ago.
Now, she has been diagnosed with full blown Alzheimers.
In some ways, she's more manageable. She's more fearful
and clingy.
I was in church with my mother Sunday. For the second week, the preacher chose to talk about children obeying parents. My mother kept looking at me and poking me again. And I wondered what the church would do if I turned and bopped her a good one. Of course, I didn't do that. But I sure wished the preacher would stop giving her ammunition to use against me. To her it said that God and the Bible both said that I had to put up with whatever she dished out. Of course, I realize that the words were intended to parents who had goodness in their hearts and minds, and not just self interest.
"The face"--well I HAVE 4- 3 year old grandkids and they behave about the same as Mother. A little louder and a lot faster, but under the surface, still wanting their own way. Throwing tantrums. Throwing THINGS. Mother takes zero responsibility for hurting us. It's our own faults if we take something she says "wrong". This is a lifelong dynamic, now she just doesn't have the mental ability to hide it as well as she used to.
I still think you need to just get away. Arrange for someone (an agency, maybe) to step in. Employees are much more able to get people to be compliant--for example, mother won't do PT unless her "cute" PT guy comes to the house. Well, she doesn't qualify for in home PT any more, so she quit. Consequently, her mobility is awful and she's really deteriorating. BUT, as she always states: "It's her choice". (sigh)
Mspring, God bless you caring for 2 at the same time. I don't know how you do it.
I find all kinds of problems with the verse telling children to obey their parents. What if the parent has an evil heart and instructs the child to do bad things? I believe even a child has the wisdom to know if things feel wrong.
Each one of you need time out. You can get swallowed up in their world. Doing no good to yourself or them. Try to get an outsider to come for 3 hrs a day. Give yourself a respite. We were not prepared for this! Keep calm, smile.
Unfortunately, my only advice would be to distance yourself from her. Being so close to her and seeing her so often when she is making your life hell only serves to create unnecessary stress for you. She certainly doesn't feel guilty about it, so neither should you. You can tell her---or not----that you aren't taking her shopping anymore, you are not going to let her manipulate her any more, and the only way that can happen is if you don't come around as much. If she wants to act this way, she has to learn how to live with the consequences. Constantly going back makes her the winner. Maintaining your own sanity make you the winner. If she has done this for 30 years and created bad situations while living with you and your siblings to the point where you all had to put her out, it is not a mystery to you or to her. She is choosing to act this way. It could be undiagnosed mental disorder (which is what I KNOW my mother has), but people of that generation never think there is anything wrong with them or their behavior----it is always someone else. You're never going to win. You have to preserve your own sanity.
I tell my mother that if she is going to act like a child, she is going to be treated like one. And then I keep my word. I like midkid58's post-----"you wouldn't put up with behavior like that from a kid". It's true. The one thing I always say is that my mother acts like a child, but at least with a child you can punish them----I can't punish an 87 year old woman.
It seems that your mother knows you very well----she knows that you'll keep calling for 3 hours, that you'll stand outside her building for an hour waiting to get in, that you would look for her for 3.5 hours and then go to her building to make sure she was okay. Stop doing that. If she doesn't answer the phone, stop calling. If she doesn't answer the door, go home. If she decides she wants to take the bus home, then let her go home & you go to your own home. By doing what you're doing you are rewarding her childish behavior and encouraging her to continue doing it. If she sees that her behavior is alienating you, maybe she'll stop. Maybe she won't, but it is worth a try. What is of the utmost importance here is for you maintain your own sanity.
We do have some family examples, though. My dad took in his father, who had mental illness. Grandma warned all of us to never take him in, but it happened after she died. The day a neighbor came to Dad to say this 'nice-looking old man on the porch' was telling stories about how abusive Dad was, was the day Dad looked for a nursing home for his father. It was simply the final straw.