My mother is 81 years old and has been diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic lung cancer that has spread to her bones. She was diagnosed a year ago. Just about every time she goes to any of her doctors they ask about quitting. I have given in to her because she is a horrible person when she is not smoking. My husband and sister get upset when mom calls me to let me know she needs cigarettes. My parents live in an assisted living care home that is 2 hours away from where my husband and I live. Leaving my sister to buy her cigarettes. My mom and dad have no money. We are in the last stages of the Medicaid application. My mother has dementia and doesn't understand 1. why she can't go home. 2. why she is living where she is 3. that they have no money to even buy cigarettes.
My mother pushes every button I have. I just give in so I don't have to listen to her. I have come to realize that I have a narcissistic mother. It's hard to take sometimes. I do love her, but wish I didn't have to deal with her. It's sad when I see my mom on the occasions that she is having a clear moment and then goes right back to the dementia. I am so broken over this, I wish...I don't really know what I wish anymore. I needed a moment to vent...I don't want to buy the cigarettes anymore but if she doesn't have them she will drive my dad and every person living at the care home crazy as she is not a nice person without those cigarettes. She literally has nothing else. She always calls me when she runs out. I don't know how to get through to her that she has no money to buy them. Thanks for reading my post, it did help just to type this out. Hope you all have a great weekend, and don't forgot to do something for yourself!!!!
Since your Mom has dementia, eventually she will forget how to even light a cigarette.... don't know if Medicaid would pay for those nicotine patches, as your Mom will need something to help her.
Have your sister by generic cigarettes. The cheapest thing available. Mom won't be thrilled but at least she will have her cigarettes, and your Dad will have peace in the valley. Have sister tell Mom a therapeutic fib saying her favorite brand isn't available any more.
I have never been a smoker and have had family members who were smokers die of lung cancer. I also have a very good friend who I love to bits who smokes. She has the beginnings of COPD and Asthma, plus a digestive condition that is worsened by smoking, but she cannot quit. The stress of quitting is tremendous.
In your mum's case, smoking has already killed her. Continuing to smoke will not change anything.
As ff suggested ask her doctor about the patch or even vaping. One Aunt who smoked from the time she was a child was able to quit using vaping. But she does not have dementia and wanted to quit.
Why in the WORLD, with all that she is losing now, is it important that she quit smoking? Do you believe that her quitting will give her even a month more time to suffer? Is it important for some other reason.
As well as being a killer, cigarettes are very expensive. I understand. So she may not be able to have as many as she would like. Still.
I hate to bring up the vapping controversy, but my smoking addicted friend was just told to DO it. That the deathes from vapping almost always have to do with marijuana and additive, and that you get more nicotine from vapping. Would she want to give that a try?
Honestly, with her death now quite imminent I cannot imagine her going through quitting. I quit 1,000 times before, 30 years ago, it finally took. It is horrific to do, very depressing. Let her smoke away this few final bits of time, to my mind.
He suffered so much that he attempted suicide in the hospital. He slit his wrist and was furious at the doctors and nurses for saving his life. He was also furious at the nurse who told me about it. I saw the bandage on his wrist but it didn’t cross my mind that he tried to kill himself. I wish for his privacy and dignity she would never have told me. He was humiliated.
I was like a daughter to him. He wasn’t married, had no children. My father’s side is Scottish and Irish so he had red hair and beautiful blue eyes.
I will never forget holding his hand and looking into his beautiful blue eyes and telling him that I understood. It killed me that I saw shame in his eyes. I was the only one of my dad’s kids to visit him.
None of my brothers ever went to visit him. He would ask for them. I would ask them to visit him. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I would say they were busy. He knew better. I worked full time but I still found time to go see him.
I had compassion for him. He did not go to church. Claimed not to believe in God. Didn’t bother me. He was a fantastic uncle to me and I loved him.
My dad’s family was very strict (Pentecostal type church) and he had enough of that. He was a good man. He helped others. He worked hard. He loved his two dogs. He had a great sense of humor!
He didn’t want to burden the family so he donated his body to science. He asked for his body be used for cancer research if possible. He asked not to have a memorial service because he wasn’t religious. My mother insisted on a memorial. It was odd.
When anyone would send a minister to his room he would chase them out. The hospital chaplain respected his wishes. Why my mom felt she had to have a service was beyond me.
Anyway, I would show a dying person mercy. Let them smoke at this point. Smoking is extremely difficult to quit.
3 years ago my son took me to a vape store & I started vaping. Within a couple of months I gave up cigarettes & was vaping using favors . This really helped me & it’s so much cheaper than smoking. If you try it just make sure you go to a regulated vape store & not the e cigarettes that they see at convenience store & the like.
i hope this helps.
Best of luck and so sorry for all the anguish addiction CONTINUES to cause ALL of us human beings.
I speak, by the way, as a stubborn smoker who spends a ridiculous amount of time standing outdoors in all weathers as a result. Humph!
Question: Why haven't you followed your own advice about vaping? Oh....you don't care for the flavors....I'm sure there are "regular" ones.....? Without the sweetish flavors? I'm just wondering...ok.
I know the way you would like to handle it is to simply tell her she can no longer smoke and doesn't have money to buy the ciggs. Then you and your sister keep your distance during he withdrawal period. But I know you probably feel you can't do that. Asking her doctor about the patch and or trying the vaping would be alternative 2 and 3.
Good luck. So sorry and can relate!
sadly i dont have a worthy poa . he was killed senselessly . the other son is the very person who would overrule dads wishes . the efftard thinks he knows best -- he does not ..
let your mother die on her own terms FFS .
i thought i left a lot to be desired as a carer. in hindsight, i think she had the right carer .
As for the expense of cigarettes. That's another issue. Rolling paper and tobacco are less expensive and time consuming. Maybe get her that and she'll realize it's too much of a bother to smoke when you have to roll your own.
Oh and before anyone jumps down my throat. I'm not abdicating smoking, just wondering if taking her cigs away which you stated is her only enjoyment is worth arguing about right now.