Years ago my father passed and my mother asked me to move in, begged me, as I had initially declined. Numerous times over a couple weeks until I finally gave in. She promised to pay me (I have the texts) I left my job and life in another city same state. The reason I was not so quick to move in is because I am well aware of my mother's antics and difficulties in living with her. Over the course of five years living with her she has gotten progressively worse. She takes a lot of medication including sleeping pills, Xanax, oxycodone, etc. She often flips back and forth between how things should be done and has always been over critical and demanding. I have always met her needs as well as taken care of the three houses we have lived in since my fathers passing. She has never made well the promises of financially covering my minimal expenses although she has attached me to her car insurance and cell phone contract so that is something to be noted.
Recently there has been some unrest in our extended family and it's come to light where she was responsible for some fairly serious complications. She refuses to accept the fact she was to blame. That's okay, none of us stayed focused on it, except her. Now that's it's our and a group of people are aware she seemingly feels under attack and she has begun lashing out. She has again resorted to threats and intimidation telling me she will kick me out cancel my insurance turn off my phone etc. she has always done things like this to family and people she "helps" for as long as I can remember she has done this in an attempt to get others to comply.
I would also add that numerous times over the last few years she has called the police with false accusations of elder abuse, which can be proven unfounded directly through the officers. She throws around the "senior abuse" tag line all the time when her feelings are hurt. I have noticed she has started claiming to her CC companies that charges made are unknown to her when she actually is aware. She often gives her CC to my kids or me when she requests lunches dinners or grocery shopping, then calls to say she didn't make them. We have proof via text or other means that she gave permission. Twice she gave me permission to take her vehicle then tried to report it stolen by me.
Do I have any legal recourse against her behavior? I do not have the savings to move out at this time, it would be difficult for me to do so
The only "recourse" you have now is to move out and NEVER look back. And get a job!
I would rather live in a homeless shelter than to put up with the abuse that you have for these past many years. I can't help but think that perhaps you believe that you deserve it. I sure hope I'm wrong.
The minute they start with abuse allegations to control you is the minute you need to leave .
You've really been doing this for five years, expecting pay, getting nothing, and expecting that to change now?
There are no scenarios where a working age person should quit a real job to caregive for a parent.
You do not tell us your age. You have made yourself homeless, jobless and dependent on your mother, who you acknowledge to us is not a very nice person, and who is addicted.
She made you promises of some payment.
She did not pay you.
And this has gone on for FIVE YEARS.
It seems that you have also brought into this mess some children who are minors? And who you are responsible to/for.
As adults, we make decisions for ourselves.
And truly, we suffer the consequences of those decisions.
Whether you move out to a shelter or not, now, the fact is that soon enough you will HAVE TO move out. It is best to do that in a way that will help you support yourself.
So, right after the holidays I suggest you:
Step 1. Tell mother that you are going job hunting.
Step 2. If you are at a loss where to start then I would suggest your local nursing home and apply for housekeeping, kitchen help, anything that they may need. You can build yourself a resume online that will say that you haven't worked for blah blah years due to caregiving of your mother (no details). This gives some "experience.
Step 3. Save up your first few months of job wages for a move to an efficiency apartment or roommate situation with another single mother. Work your way up and into housing better for your children.
Now as you can imagine, this Harrigan you are living with isn't going to like this.
Tell her it is the best for all.
She has made HER home YOUR home, and she is going to have to EVICT you legally. THIS will take her a lot of time and the ability to contact and work with an attorney. And it will take months. You can even protest it in court in that you were moved in to care for her. You will have likely about 3 months to save for your move.
Good luck.
Other option: Stay as you are until she calms down. However, it will happen again, it subjects innocent children to a mess they will continue through generations, as you have. And the end will be INEVITABLE and more difficult.
You are well spoken and well-written; you can do this with ease.
Your mom has been like this and you are aware of that.
Move out. You can move in with friends, there are Women's shelters. Or just start saving a bit here and there. Better yet look for a job and save the money you earn and move. Give yourself a date in the future and you can aim for that.
Reclaim your life and move on.
"Legal recourse" requires money. Where I live, a lawyer costs $500 an hour. They might provide the initial consultation for free. After that, you pay. What do you hope to gain from legal recourse? Revenge? Money? Does she even have any? If they know you can't pay, they're not likely to take your case.
Mom won't get better, only worse. You got yourself into this, it's up to you to get out. You can do it - but it will require thought and planning. Legal recourse is probably not the solution. A job might be, so if you don't have a job, get one.
Sorry, OP. I wish you luck.
If you are her PoA then you must now read the document to see what is required to activate your legal authority. Usually it is 1 official medical diagnosis by her doctor of sufficient impairment.
Going forward I would stop responding/reacting to any accusations as she is no longer a rational person operating out of logic, empathy of an accurate memory. You will exhaust yourself doing this because it is a no-win game. Instead, try distracting her, changing the subject or walking away.
My Mom is 95 and is now occasionally displaying paranoia whic mostly centers around me "taking things" or money from her or trying to "shove" her into a nursing home. Most of the time she is fairly normal. When she's paranoid I pretend my phone is buzzing and excuse myself to take "the call".
So, what are your options?
1) As others have suggested, move out and stay out. Once you are out you can try to get her in for a physical and discretely tell her doc about her symptoms and request a cognitive/memory exam. They are glad to do this, but you must accompany her into the exam room and get her to write you in as her Medical Representative (which is a HIPAA form you can request from the staff). I've done this with both my MIL and my Mom. I told them therapeutic fibs to get them into the appointment.
2) When she's paranoid and threatening, call 911 and tell them she's not herself and is agitated and delusional and may have an untreated UTI. They will hopefully get her to the ER (but they won't do a cog exam there). When you get there you tell them she is an unsafe discharge due to her paranoia and delusions and threats. Tell them you are not and will not be her caregiver. Don't take her home. If she remains agitated, they hospital might keep her in their psych ward to get her on some meds for that. Ask to talk to a social worker about getting her into an AL facility directly from the hospital.
3) (If you are not her PoA...) Call social services/APS to report her. Once she gets on their radar and you keep telling them you're not willing or able to be her caregiver (and she won't accept you as such) then at some point a judge can assign her a legal guardian who will then take over her care. BUT this may mean you will be required to move out.
Still, moving out sooner rather than later will be better for you and your family's mental health. If your Mom's brain is breaking from dementia, it can be a journey of many years. A marathon, not a sprint.
Or she just wants to be a troublemaker like so many other elders who cry abuse and thievery because they want attention and enjoy hurting other people. I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. I have seen my fair share of clients who were totally with it mentally but just enjoyed being a******s.
It's time for you to take your kids and get out of her house right away. I understand that you don't have the money to move out right now, so see if there is family or friends who can take you in for a while. Any siblings who you and your kids can stay with? What about their father?
The good news is, your mother can't just put you or your kids on the street. She will have to formally evict your official address is her house and that will take time. Don't help her do it. If she can't remember things like putting groceries on a credit card or that she lent someone her car, she does not have the mental faculties to go to the courthouse and do the process of formal eviction of you and your kids.
You have to get a full-time job and get out as soon as you can. When you are moves out and settled with your kids, then you can petition the court for POA over her if she's mentally incompetent from dementia. You and your kids getting out of there has to come first though.
If I were you, I'd visit the local police department and tell them what's going on. APS too. Get out in front of it. Your mother should not be driving for any reason. Make sure the police and APS know this.
In the meantime while you are still in her house, when she starts up with her troublemaking and threats, I want you to tell her the following word for wors.
Shut the hell up, nobody cares what you think. If you want me and my kids out have me served with legal eviction.
Then walk away and completely ignore her. Leave it possible.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
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