My dad (stage 5 pd) died in March. I wish it had happened sooner. Since 2022, we paid around $400k to a man. I ran a background check on him at the time but my parents liked him. He seemed good...I didn't keep running checks. Yesterday my sister got a call from a public defender asking her to write a letter on the caregivers behalf for his case. We were like "huh?" I dug around and in April he beat his wife or kids. He's still in jail ...which is rare in Illinois so I suspect it was bad. I feel so guilty and furious again. My parents did nothing to plan for old age except save money. That's not a plan. It fell on me to find someone and apparently...i chose the wrong person. I feel so bad all of their money - $450k - went to an abuser. Now my mom only has $5k left and dementia or ptsd or stubbornness or lifelong mental illness. She's refused, just as my dad did, to move to assisted living. My dad ended up dying in skilled nursing. My mom is refusing to move to AL now (she probably needs memory care) and I don't have it left in me to get guardianship. I just called and told her about the caregiver and said that if she doesn't go to AL willingly, I will not find home care for her ever ever(which she doesn't have the $ for anyway). I just feel so bad for the caregivers wife and kids and all of the pain my parents caused so many people - including that family - just to avoid leaving an old home they were FAAARRR TOO SICK TO STAY IN. I am not sure what I'm asking here. I told my mom she either goes willingly now or I'm out. I guess I'll lose that toin coss. Is my guilt warranted? I wasted so much time and energy on them for a decade. And who won here? The wife beaters checkbook? And I have a colonoscopy in the morning.
And they did plan for their old age, they saved $450k. They were just too stubborn to go into an AL. The man, if he worked 8 hours a day, 7 days a week at $20 an hour thats about 60k a year. $30 an hour about 90k. If he worked more hours than that, then 100K a year is about right. He took care of 2 people. Did he do a good job? If so, beating a wife or child has nothing to do with caring for your parents. And, it may be a false charge.
If you have POA you can place Mom. What she wants does not matter now, its what she and you need. She cannot make informed decisions, you do that for her. It will probably be Medicaid now and Longterm care if your state does not have vouchers for AL or MC care.
Your parents hiring this person and paying him in no way, shape or form contributed to his crime.
Plenty of abusers have jobs. Plenty. And many of them are actually good at their jobs. Many of them are actually very charming to people to whom they are NOT married - it's why you get the "I can't believe it" interviews after the abuser is arrested from his/her co-workers/neighbors/friends, etc. Beating your spouse and being a good employee are NOT mutually exclusive.
I think this is one situation you just need to let it go of and move on. Help your mom or don't, it is YOUR decision. But DO NOT let this case of spousal abuse be the guiding factor in making that decision going forward.
You yourself say that your Mom has something cognitive going on. If you are her PoA, then resign. Keep reporting her to APS. Telling her hasn't done anything, so now actions will speak louder than words.
I'm so sorry for these circumstances. May you gain wisdom and peace in your heart.
Hope all goes well with your colonoscopy tomorrow and that you are able to de-stress from this as much as possible. Thinking of you.
You can, however, tell your mother that she doesn't have money left for private caregivers, so she'll need to sell her house and use the money to pay for Assisted Living (or Memory Care).