My shopaholic mother can afford to buy whatever she wants, problem is she doesn’t need anything. How do I help her?

Were you thinking you could/would change any of this? Because you won't. Shopping can become almost an addiction for many. They do not stop. I lost a good friend I had worked with for many years just over a month ago. She went home from the hospital where she had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer that had spread everywhere, and with only a prognosis of a few months to live. Guess what she did from her hospice bed? You got it. ETSY. She shopped just as she had always shopped. When we worked together she used to tell me "I have no real savings despite all my work; I have shopped all my life and have nothing to show for it."
My friend almost made it to Christmas, but not quite, but among all the things her executor is trying to clean out of her small home --which is jammed with stuff--are all the new Christmas decorations she bought on Etsy as soon as she was home from hospital. It was basically her, her iphone, her kitty on the top of the pillow at her head, and online shopping.
Just saying. I think that you can carry on about this; but I think nothing will change.

Let the poor woman shop till she drops. If that is her only enjoyment(as it is for many people)in this life so be it. It's her money and she can do with it what she wants.
There will probably come a time in the future if her memory is going bad that all of this will have to stop one way or another, but for now let her enjoy her shopping.
She's not hurting anyone with it, and I'm sure it makes her feel somewhat still in control of her life, so I would not want this to be the hill that I die on, as it's an fight you will never win.

honebeez, welcome to the forum. As long as your Mom has enough money to spent on stuff, then let her be. Hopefully she has enough saved for a rainy day.

A few years back, my Dad needed to have 3 shifts of caregivers per day at his home, as he was a fall risk. That was costing him $20,000 per month, yes per month. My Mom was in a nursing home, and that was costing Dad $12,000 per month. Thank goodness my parents had saved because it was storming out there.

I know the costs my parents endured was a major eye opener for me.

Just something for you to think about.

Is it just shopping?

Shopping & storing items adequately?
Shopping/collecting, untidy but not hoarder level?
Shopping, hoarding but 'clean' & with pathways?
Shopping, hoarding, reduced pathways or 'unclean'?

Sadly, if memory or other cognitive skills fade, you can see where this can lead..

Maybe mom needs some redirection to give herself a purpose in life. Maybe mom can volunteer or buy stuff for animal shelters or women and children shelters or other places. This way she satisfies her need to shop but also does something good at the same time. Just an idea you might want to float past her. I hate to see people just wasting money on junk to fill a hole inside themselves when they can do something that impacts someone or something before they die.

Oh like SPs idea. Is the thrill from buying for herself or just buying. If just the thrill then buying for animal shelters, people shelters, food kitchens and food closests would be great.

At 84 I doubt you can get her to socialize now.

My mom would shop daily, either from stores, when she was mobile, then from catalogs when she wasn't.

Rarely anything she needed and certainly nothing we needed.

I got her invoved in making baby blankets, refugee packages, anything that she could crochet, knit, or sew. She could buy a few extra cans of food when he grocery shopping was done and donate that to a food bank.

This helped, as the money she spent went to good causes. Our local HS has a food pantry that the refugees in our neigborhood can go to to do their 'grocery shopping'. No cost to them, and such a fulfilling cause. Someone who shops endlessly could buy things that could be used to stock this kind of 'store'. I know our HS is not the only one doing this!

This scratched that itch that made her want/need to shop and filled the hole in her heart that needed to be filled doing service.

Hopefully, your mother's money will last for the rest of her life and never have to go to Medicaid level for her care. However, accept the fact that she cannot be changed and take responsonsibilities for herself.

Any addiction or compulsive behavior -- shopping, hoarding, binge eating, gambling, drinking, pulling one's hair out, on and on -- when done repetitively, when the person cannot stop, when hurting or likely to hurt the person now or long term -- is very hard to navigate. Family and friends can try to have a "heart to heart" discussion about their concern for the LO's welfare in a nonjudgemental way. Offer to listen and provide support, but if the person is oppositional and does not see that they have a problem; it is not likely the person will make any changes as they do not see any need to change. Redirection of one's behavior has to come from within first and foremost.

My mom had many compulsions, shopping and gambling among them (hair pulling too and skin picking too - yuck). Gambling was her only activity before ending up in a nursing home (long story). I have no moral objection to gambling, I just think it is boring as who wants to push the button on a slot machine over and over for hours. Maybe poker is more interesting? And getting a coupon in the mail was like crack cocaine; she'd have to go right to the store to buy something -- anything -- to NOT lose the discount, even if no one needed anything. Her favorite was the 20% off Bed Bath and Beyond coupon. We had more unnecessary kitchen tools in our kitchen than the store had in stock.

On the gambling I left her on her on, as it was her money and her enjoyment. The casinos (around here) only let one take out a certain amount of cash on a credit card, otherwise one had to have cash. So actual cash was the limiting factor for her. She spent a fortune over her lifetime on slots, so be it. Guess her gambling helped helped finance our State in some way so she "paid" the State that way rather than paying for her nursing home now with all that money if not lost gambling over many years. (NOT that I believe this reasonable behavior or a good plan for anyone.)

On the shopping from, if she was buying for herself, so be it. Her closet was full of new clothing, still with tags on the items, never worn/never returned. But she used her credit cards, so if she defaulted that was on her.

I put my food down when it impacted me directly/our house (those endless kitchen tools were overwhelming my kitchen). I gathered up two shopping bags of wooden spoons, spatulas, melon ballers (have never used a melon baller), on and on and told her I was taking it all to Good Will. I said that we did NOT need any new kitchen tools, that the wooden spoons I have had for 45 years are fine, I do not need new ones. And that if she continued to buy such stuff for my kitchen, then each week any new items would be taken straight away to Good Will as I did NOT NEED NOR WANT any of it. That flipped her out a bit, that her "coupon savings" would be for naught and that finally got her to stop buying me unnecessary kitchen tools. Ditto for all the other stuff she would buy me/us: like bathing suits/bras (who buys a bathing suit or bra for another woman, one has to try it on), home decoration goods, clothing my husband or kids would never wear. Many hours wasted taking it all back. Maddening.

In other words, if it is directly impacting you, your house, your family or life in a direct way step in. If it is NOT, then after having the heart to heart convo voicing your concern in a nonjudgement way; then step aside. We cannot control other people even our LOs, even if it would be in their best interests.

Telling the alcoholic to stop drinking, the smoker to stop smoking, the coach potato to exercise, or the glutton to stop eating; if they do not see it as a problem they will not make any change no matter how much it would be to their own benefit. Step aside, do not enable the behavior and just accept that most folks are their own worst enemies.....

And when they are much older and if they have spent all their money on gambling, shopping, drinking, etc., then that is on them.

If the day comes that her choices are putting her finances in danger, you can use the parental controls on whatever tv service, cable, streaming, satellite, to block the shopping channels from even appearing as channels. It becomes like they don’t exist. Of course by this point in memory loss, she’d most likely not be safe in living on her own. Keep more of an eye on the finances than the shopping, just keeping in mind the possibilities of needing to pay for future care. And I love the idea of having her shop for others in need.

If loneliness is the cause, she needs another solution. Do you know if there is an office on aging near her, A senior center? Reputable senior services? There are services that offer companion services (assuming she doesn’t really need an aide) and that person could go shopping with her, discourage impulse buying, go to the movies with her etc. A sort of rental friend. Agin, you would need to verify that this person wouldn’t be dishonest so that is why I suggest going through a local senior center.

Does she get to talk with/or visit you or others occasionally? Does she have any adult grandkids who occasionally could stop by to spend a bit of time with her? It sounds like she may be experiencing loneliness, and understands she has the financial means to treat herself to things she likes and so that is her way of boosting her mood and feeling good in the moment. A limited amount of treating oneself to new handbag or having her nails painted etc is actually considered a form of self care. In excess it can become unhealthy if she’s using that like many others do to fill a void. So to answer your question at this time there’s nothing you can do about her buying things for herself. What you can consider is someone occasionally visiting her and doing other things also such as watching a favorite tv show, listening to music, going on a walk, out to lunch and going shopping with her. I don’t know if she’d enjoy browsing at a dollar store but they have many little treats and fun things like body lotion, nail polish, earrings, etc that might be nice for her to go w someone so she doesn’t feel a need to go shopping quite as much but it won’t come in a way that she doesn’t feel like someone’s trying to control her love of shopping. I hope that helps

You state she is not a social person - how about a hobby - does she knit? crochet? craft? quilt? even if its not for self but for donation purposes. Some churches have sewing circles, maybe less due to the pandemic but you can always check the internet - Try meetup.com.

I could have written this post about my mother. Everything fits her to a tee with the exception of she doesn’t have a car anymore. Her rationale was she has no other bad habits(smoking,drinking,gambling,etc.). So why not? She started ordering from the catalogs once she could no longer drive. Began hoarding and started recycling items to goodwill/Arc. Many times still with tags on as cost and trouble to return items too much for her. After I put a stop to it she told everyone I stole all of her money and wrote me ( her daughter off) after providing/caregiving for her for the past 17 years.

Sad how even when a person has everything the could ever need they still choose to waste their money on selfish pursuits like this.

Sounds like its time to move mom to an Independent Living facility that meets her future needs, called "Continuing Care." https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/basics/info-2017/continuing-care-retirement-communities.html

Please introduce Mom to a few charities where they help women prepare to work in offices, get married and go to prom: https://dressforsuccess.org/, https://www.bridesacrossamerica.com/, and https://www.beccascloset.org/
It is a great way to spend money and help change someone's life.

Your shopahloic mother can afford to buy whatever she wants. There are no "problems" for you to fix. Unless dementia is making it unsafe for her to live alone, THEN you get to protect her from herself.

The danger in her buying is that the stuff will collect in her house and become a hazard.

Whatever you do, don't pass judgement on her shopping as she will just hide it, and that will make it worse. Material "needs" and "wants" are different for everyone so please don't pass judgement.

I like the posting that suggested that her shopping be donated. In Colorado, there was an agency that accepted professional dresses and accessories and old "uniforms" so that people-in-need could move out of the low paying jobs and into something with a better pay. They also accepted "adult" school supplies since there are all kinds of school supply programs for school-age kids, yet nothing for adults.

I think you need to do a visit (don't plan on staying in her house unless she offers) so you can see what is really happening. If she is struggling with memory, there are probably other things that are happening too that you might not be aware of. At the same time, you could do some quick research into assisted living places, and potential volunteer activities for her (delivering for Meals on Wheels?), in case you might need it.

For the loneliness, I would see if here is a senior day care that she could go to. You will need to actually take her there the first couple of times to help her get past her fears of the new situation. Maybe she can take some classes at the YMCA. Could she volunteer at one of the elementary schools or preschool?

The other part about her shopping and well being that concerns me is that she is a perfect candidate for fraud and catfishing.

Anyway, I'd schedule a visit to ensure everything is truly okay with your Mom and find out what she is doing with all these things that she is buying.

Since she has memory issues, make a point of taking her for a cognitive assessment and full medical physical. If she is having cognitive issues, she may not remember how much money she is spending and could go through all her finances. If her memory and judgment is a problem, it might be easiest to get her a reloadable gift card that she can use for her "fun money" and only reload it on a monthly basis.

Are you able to visit often? My mom is the same as yours, and hasn't many friends she can go do things with, as they've all died or moved away. I moved close to my mom, and take her to lunch, bring her flowers and gifts like cologne on holidays (you know, pretty things.) She hasn't taken me up on it, but I hope she'll let me take her to the botanical gardens (and there's even a fashionable gift shop there!) I tell her jokes, discuss current events in the paper with her and put a bird feeder outside the window next to the tv, and she loves to watch them and tell me about the newest and most unique birds that visit. Of course, that means I have to feed them, but she enjoys it so much it's worth it! Perhaps you can give her more pretty things to look at outside her window, like plants for the deck or patio (if you can get her to take care of it.)

If your mother is having memory issues and is in cognitive decline, for God's sake she cannot drive anymore!
She cannot live independently alone anymore.
The serious problem here is not your mother's shopping and spending money.
Yes, you should be worried. Not about your mother's shopping and spending her money, but because she has dementia and is living alone. She is also getting behind the wheel of a car. A person with memory issues and cognitive decline getting behind the wheel is exactly the same as a person who is drunk or on drugs. They endanger the lives of every other person on the road. Not just themselves.
Your mother needs to be in assisted living or remain in her home with live-in caregivers. She cannot be alone anymore or driving.
Do you have POA for her? She should get to the doctor and get some testing done. In the meantime, you should ask the police department to make regular wellness checks on her and let them know she's still driving. That's a place to start.

honebeez: The only problem as I see it is that your mother with cognitive and memory decline is still operating a motor vehicle. That must cease. There is no real problem to fix in re the shopping.

We had to block the home shopping channels because my mom was doing the same thing.

The home shopping channels are predatory. My mom had some sort of recurring subscription service, which when she died we stopped payments. They almost immediately took her account to collections. They are a nightmare to deal with.

How about getting Mom interested in charitable causes. She could still do a lot of shopping if motivated by someone else's need. Check on programs that provide job training for young women who may also need a wardrobe suitable for job hunting. She could buy over the internet (if that's more comfortable for her) or take them personally to shop if her driving is good. At 84, she might need a little guidance in modern work-day attire and perhaps you could help with some advice if she is willing.

I'm sure there are other needs, perhaps for children needing school clothes in local schools or organized camping programs...or even the rare "dress-up" occasion. Again she may need a little advice. Children in foreign countries often have few clothes or blankets. Some mission organization (of her choosing) would be grateful. And growing up poor herself, she may find special pleasure of donating this way.

One caution (if needed) is that if mom shops unassisted over the internet or from catalogs, and if she has even minor memory problems, she may run into problems. I'm in your mom's age group. And when I first began to order, companies would verify purchases by email. No longer. One year, Christmas shopping, I ended buying duplicate gifts in a few cases, because I couldn't remember if I bought (or merely thought about, buying) certain gift items.

* If she isn't diagnosed by MD / medical provider as being incapacited - unable to make her own decisions, see if you can get this.
* You are in another state, who is 'helping or working with her' - if no one, see if you can arrange to have a caregiver come in - tell her its a housekeeper or a friend of yours. If she's into art or gardening, find someone (perhaps through a church or local volunteer organization) with these interests to 'connect' with her.
* Can you get her to move closer to you?
* If she is considered mentally competent, and you are NOT her POA or have other legal authority to manage her credit cards, banking, etc., there may be little to nothing you can do.
- If she continues to shop, perhaps you or you can get someone over there to collect some of her things and donate them to the Good Will or a non-profit. There are several - if not way too many - non profits who work with abused women with children, women needing appropriate 'interview' clothes. There is no end to the need for new / gently used clothes, bags, coats, shoes, etc.
- The tricky part is getting these items donated (she likely won't want to do that now), but with a caregiver / 'new friend,' perhaps she would find this 'fun.'
* Are you able to make a visit?
* Whether or not she finds joy in other things, shopping as she is doing is likely an escape (momentarily) from depression, an addiction, and an aspect of dementia.
- She needs professional support. See if you can speak to her MD / providers and get her a social worker or therapist.

At the very least, it sounds like the first step is...

Someone responsible to manage her finances, legally. If this doesn't happen, she will continue on as she is. She has that legal right.
- If someone can manage her finances, you can put a limit on credit cards;
- Daily limit on checks / cashing
- Manage her ability to get on line to shop. If she's doing it by TV, you need to get a block on her phone.

It may be that she ends up giving away a lot of her the things she buys - at some point. Or they will stay in their bags and boxes until she passes and then they can be donated.

I'd try to get activities and people / companions lined up for 3-4 x a week.

A person 84 with obvious cognitive and memory decline should NOT be driving. You or someone will need to see about that - perhaps calling the local police or DMV Dept. To not be allowed to continue driving is a very difficult situation for older people. You do not want to wait until she injures or kills herself or another/s.

Contact her MD as soon as you can.
Find a companion(s), caregivers. Talk to her friends and neighbors if you have their contact information.

For the record ... I understand these deals. I've been a Good Will / Salvation shopper for over 40 years - for everything. My closet looks like a fashion models - I know how to shop (for new clothes at these stores). ... And then Macy's started having these amazing sales when Covid started (80% off) 2-3 years ago. I have a couple of boxes of new clothes, too. Although I will wear them and I also donate a lot when I need to. I can understand that shopping is a way to relieve stress(ors). Being 84, alone, it is not easy. She needs someone there to assist her.

Gena / Touch Matters