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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
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Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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First of all if you are allowing caregiving for your MIL to break up your marriage, that's on you and no one else.
If you don't want to spend your time being a caregiver to your MIL - don't. Let your SIL know that you're done and either she can hire caregivers or your MIL can go into a residential care facility.
Whoever is your MIL's POA is the one who makes the decisions for her finances and her healthcare. Does your MIL live with you and your husband? If she does tell the POA that they have 24 hours to get her out of your house or you will do an 'ER Dump' and she will be dropped off at the hospital. Then do it. Give the ER nurse the contact information for her POA and tell them that you are cannot and will not continue caring for her and she needs to be placed, but her POA will not act.
If your husband expects you to take care of her, then it might be time for you to talk to a divorce lawyer.
You don't give us much to go on here, but you do have choices. Remember that.
Before we can give you any good answers we need to know who is MIL living with and who holds POA?
If MIL is living with you and DH does not have POA, thats a problem. You have to say to DH that you need help or he has to give more help. If DH has POA, then he can do whats needed to care for his Mom.
If Mom is living with Sis and Sis holds POA and your not willing to do what Sis wants then thats all on her. If MIL has money, it should be used for her care. Husband should be doing his share and your there for support and doing what you are willing to do. She is not ur mother.
I agree that the marriage thing is separate. Does DH expect u to do all the caring for Mom because that is a problem. She is not ur Mom she is his. Is he too retired.
What your SIL does or doesn't do isn't really your concern. What IS your concern is what you will agree to do and what you will not. So simply inform your SIL you will not be doing the babysitting you are doing, or the care, or whatever it is that you are doing. That you don't have the time to and you don't wish to do it.
She will soon enough be HERE discussing how no one helps her. And that is fine, too. She will need to vent.
The choices we make in life are our own. Own and embrace your own choices. You will not change the choices and beliefs of others.
If you don't want to spend your retirement taking care of your MIL, then just don't. It truly can be as simple as that. It's all about learning the art of just saying NO. Period.
When you state in your profile that this situation is breaking up your marriage, please keep in mind that your sister in law, or anyone else, has no ability to break up your marriage without the consent of either you or your husband. It’s you two who are supposed to be a united front, and if you’re not, it’s not sis in law’s fault. It’s a marriage problem. Truth is, we only make decisions for ourselves and cannot control the choices of others. If you don’t want involvement in MIL’s caregiving, stay out of it. If your husband chooses to be involved despite your desire for him not to be, it’s time to discuss that together with a counselor.
Stay out of it, not your problem. Let her children figure it out.
Obviously, there is some paranoia going on with SIL.
If your husband is not the DPOA he should stay out of it as well. Read around this site, having a sibling who doesn't know what they are doing in regard to dementia is a common issue.
Read Midkid58's ongoing sage of the three stooges, one of the siblings is her DH.
I will echo Beatty's question. Is MIL living with you?
If not, this isn't your problem. Ultimately, it is your DH's problem - and only if he doesn't decide to put up a boundary. If your SIL refuses to have paid help with their mother - and she is insisting on taking care of her - that is her choice. That doesn't mean that DH...or you...have to help. She has a right to make that choice. But you and DH have a right to make the choice NOT to be involved. You are not obligated to provide care for MIL. There are other options available. And SIL cannot make you do anything.
If MIL is living with you -that presents its own set of problems. BUT it also means that SIL doesn't make the rules. If MIL is living in your home - as far as I'm concerned SIL gets zero say. If she is the POA and MIL lives with you- then SIL can come get MIL and move her to her own home to provide care. If she is NOT the POA, then she quite literally gets no vote in how you handle MIL's care if you and DH are the only ones providing it. If she is living with you and you want to hire paid caregivers, hire paid caregivers.
If you or your husband are not the POA, not your problem.
If neither DH nor SIL or POA. Stop all care until someone is. If she is and wants you to help care for MIL due to her concerns tell her to remove all ability from MIL to be scammed and to seek therapy or prepare herself to spend 24/7 with MIL.
Don’t support this attitude. Nothing your MIL has is worth being manipulated by SIL neurosis.
If MIL needs care and SIL refuses to allow her to have care file for guardianship.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If you don't want to spend your time being a caregiver to your MIL - don't. Let your SIL know that you're done and either she can hire caregivers or your MIL can go into a residential care facility.
Whoever is your MIL's POA is the one who makes the decisions for her finances and her healthcare.
Does your MIL live with you and your husband? If she does tell the POA that they have 24 hours to get her out of your house or you will do an 'ER Dump' and she will be dropped off at the hospital. Then do it. Give the ER nurse the contact information for her POA and tell them that you are cannot and will not continue caring for her and she needs to be placed, but her POA will not act.
If your husband expects you to take care of her, then it might be time for you to talk to a divorce lawyer.
You don't give us much to go on here, but you do have choices. Remember that.
If MIL is living with you and DH does not have POA, thats a problem. You have to say to DH that you need help or he has to give more help. If DH has POA, then he can do whats needed to care for his Mom.
If Mom is living with Sis and Sis holds POA and your not willing to do what Sis wants then thats all on her. If MIL has money, it should be used for her care. Husband should be doing his share and your there for support and doing what you are willing to do. She is not ur mother.
I agree that the marriage thing is separate. Does DH expect u to do all the caring for Mom because that is a problem. She is not ur Mom she is his. Is he too retired.
What IS your concern is what you will agree to do and what you will not.
So simply inform your SIL you will not be doing the babysitting you are doing, or the care, or whatever it is that you are doing. That you don't have the time to and you don't wish to do it.
She will soon enough be HERE discussing how no one helps her.
And that is fine, too. She will need to vent.
The choices we make in life are our own.
Own and embrace your own choices.
You will not change the choices and beliefs of others.
It truly can be as simple as that. It's all about learning the art of just saying NO. Period.
Obviously, there is some paranoia going on with SIL.
If your husband is not the DPOA he should stay out of it as well. Read around this site, having a sibling who doesn't know what they are doing in regard to dementia is a common issue.
Read Midkid58's ongoing sage of the three stooges, one of the siblings is her DH.
If not, this isn't your problem. Ultimately, it is your DH's problem - and only if he doesn't decide to put up a boundary. If your SIL refuses to have paid help with their mother - and she is insisting on taking care of her - that is her choice. That doesn't mean that DH...or you...have to help. She has a right to make that choice. But you and DH have a right to make the choice NOT to be involved. You are not obligated to provide care for MIL. There are other options available. And SIL cannot make you do anything.
If MIL is living with you -that presents its own set of problems. BUT it also means that SIL doesn't make the rules. If MIL is living in your home - as far as I'm concerned SIL gets zero say. If she is the POA and MIL lives with you- then SIL can come get MIL and move her to her own home to provide care. If she is NOT the POA, then she quite literally gets no vote in how you handle MIL's care if you and DH are the only ones providing it. If she is living with you and you want to hire paid caregivers, hire paid caregivers.
A lot depends on the logistics on this one.
If neither DH nor SIL or POA. Stop all care until someone is.
If she is and wants you to help care for MIL due to her concerns tell her to remove all ability from MIL to be scammed and to seek therapy or prepare herself to spend 24/7 with MIL.
Don’t support this attitude. Nothing your MIL has is worth being manipulated by SIL neurosis.
If MIL needs care and SIL refuses to allow her to have care file for guardianship.