My sister is POA of our mom and is refusing to let me see her. She’s in hospice care at my sister's and they made me leave. She’s going to die. Any advice?

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My sister is POA of our mom and is refusing to let me see her. She’s in hospice care at my sister's and they made me leave. She’s going to die. Any advice?

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I would like to know if I’ve got any rights or since my older sister is POA has all the say so.

Elder Law Hospice Power of Attorney (POA) Siblings

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Who's going to enforce your rights to see your mom? That's the thing....you need to attempt to make peace with your sister so she will allow you in to see mom before she passes away. Promise her anything you need to promise her, so she'll lighten up and allow you entry to her home to visit your mother. Otherwise, I don't know what you can do? Call the police? What are they going to do, I have no idea. You can call and ask them what your options are, I suppose. It can't hurt, right? I just don't believe your sister has the legal obligation to let you into her home if she doesn't want to.

I'm sorry you find yourself in such a situation, and that your mother is under hospice care at your sister's. I pray she lightens up and lets you in so you can say goodbye to your mom. Sending you a hug and a prayer for a good resolution to an ugly situation.

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If mom is on Hospice contact the Hospice and ask to talk to the Social Worker that is on the Team that you mom is with. The Social Worker might be able to pave a path for you to visit.

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I have read a legal case where the family member was granted permission in a similar scenario. The parent was receiving end-of-life care in a family home. The home owner had POA or Guardianship & refused entry to another sibling. Reasons stated were past instances of verbal aggression, aggressive behaviour towards homeowner plus the result of the parent becoming extremely emotionally distressed.

The visiting sibling was allowed to visit with conditions;
1. only when appropriate notice was given (no drop ins) so homeowner could step out
2. only while being chaperoned by a Social Worker.

I make no judgement about your relationship with your sibling.

But if obtaining a Social Worker through the Hospice service is possible, maybe that approach could work for you too?

You may have the right to see your Mom, but a homeowner has the right who to let into their home. Involving a professional as a third party will hopefully bring a compromise.

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Best to work it out with you sister. Otherwise you can get a lawyer which will only escalate the situation.
I think of the case of Casey kasem and his story before he died.

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Your state should have an elder care ombudsman and there is a state bill of rights which says elders cannot be kept from seeing who they want, even if locked in a facility and with someone else having a POA. Easiest way, contact state ombudsman and explain to them their job and have the bill of patient’s rights handy. Second way, get a lawyer—- more expensive and time consuming.

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Do they have good reasons for taking this action? Apparently your sister feels she does. Apologize to her( with no “buts”), that your heart is aching not being able to be there, that her death is imminent and final and that you have things to say to her before she leaves. Promise you will be very careful not to offend, that you would come only with love in your heart. Beg if you have to. Good luck I sincerely hope mom has a peaceful death with both her children there, each holding her hand.

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Both of these are excellent suggestions - I’d say def get Social Worker involved. If you have any other siblings , especially any you get along better with , perhaps that could also be a buffer and a help to get your foot in the door.

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Why were you asked to leave? That is unusual, and I am thinking there must have been a "stated reason???" The POA at end of life is the lion or lioness at the gate. Your best step is to get along with that person. Certainly involving costly "others" in, mediators, attorneys, social workers and etc. may get you an accompanied visit, but not a lot else, and any disruption that the POA believes is not in the best interests of end of life care for the elder they have a fiduciary duty to protect would have you exiting once again, so I think it is very likely not worth your time or your money.
I am sorry there is dissension in the last hours on earth for your loved one. You don't give us details, so it would be difficult to make further suggestions for you. Wishing you the best. I myself would at this time be offering help, kindness, support and anything else I could to prove my visit would be of value to all, not a matter for further dissension.

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Sometimes we need to stop one behavior or more to accommodate such people. This is hard, but sometimes it is best to give people what they want so that you may get some time with your Mom.

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She must think you can’t handle seeing your mom in that state, but I think it’s wrong!! My son is 35 and at first he didn’t want to have that lasting memory of of his grandfather but I told him you might regret it when he is gone. When he saw his grandfather at a memory care home he pulled up a chair and sat with him and didn’t say a word just held his hand and didn’t move for 4 hours. My father was in his last stages of life but my son said he felt his grandfather squeeze his hand and I told him no one knows what the person can hear or feel at that stage. My son didn’t talk after he left but he was at peace knowing his grandfather knew he was there with him. My Dad Passed about 2 hours later. My grandmother was still awake but was going fast and she told me not to come she didn’t want me to have that lasting memory of her but if your mom is still awake and in bad shape you might not want to see her depending on her
condition, but if she remembers you and is slowly going then I think you should go to say your
goodbyes. The first time my Dad said he didn’t know me and I wasn’t his daughter I just about lost it and was crushed. If your a strong person then just go, your sister has no right to stop you, but if your not strong then go online and look up end stages of life and read what goes on. Then if you feel you can handle it then go. I’m strong and watched my other grandmother and my Father both take there last breath. I don’t think anyone
could stop you if you wanted to say goodbye to your mom. I hope this helps you. I bought a
small crystal and have it hanging on my rear view mirror in my car and ever time the
sun shines through it I smile because I think of my Dad being with me.

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You do have the right to see your mom. Some people let POA go to their heads and think it gives them total control over a person.

My sibling wouldn’t let me see my mom either but she was in a nursing home on hospice. I had to contact Alliance For Better Long Term Care & they told the nursing home I had every right to see my mom.

They found out my sibling told them there was a restraining order against me for elder abuse which wasn’t true & they asked him to produce it. He then threatened to remove her & place her somewhere else. All this was done for spite.

Contact a lawyer for a consultation to see if they can help you. I wish you the best of luck.

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You are making assumptions about this person - some of us are asking for more of the story / family history. And, yes. This person could contact an attorney (at perhaps a huge cost to her) to find out the reasons. I sense that this writer KNOWS the reasons and isn't forthcoming. If she was, she likely would have mentioned in her initial post / posing this question.

Rather than letting POA responsibilities go to another's head, the responsibilities of the POA need to be clarified and in writing. I believe the POA does have the legal right to determine who has contact with the person in question.

Be careful making these blanket statements - all situations may be different; even the rights of the POA from state to state. It is important to question and check these issues out - before jumping to conclusions / giving advice that may not be accurate, legally.

Gena Galenski
Touch Matters

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Seems like family dysfunctions. That is your mother! What type of problems is your POA sister experiencing? I would try to find out. Your mother is going to die. Can your mother express anything for herself??

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Our lawyer explained the role of POA quite succinctly. The POA is legally required to represent the wishes of the person in place of that person.

If your mom would allow or want you to see her and your POA sister refuses to honor your mothers wishes, it is a criminal offense.

The question becomes Would mom let you visit her? If no, your sister is acting correctly. If yes, she can knock off the attitude or you can press charges and have her authority as POA revoked.

It’s easier for your sister to play nice than explain inexcusable behavior to a judge.

Sorry you’re going through this. Good luck.

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I tend to disagree with this attorney - a POA is responsible to do what is in the best interest / care for the person they are a POA for - it is to protect them from themselves - as their brain has changed and they can no longer make the best decisions for their self. Of course, taking into consideration the desires of the person - ultimately, the POA makes final decisions.

If this isn't clear, another attorney or professional needs to be consulted.

Gena Galenski
Touch Matters

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The sister as property owner has rights as to who can enter her house.

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Yes, but what are their mother's wishes?

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How about calling Adult Protective Services to meet with your mom and sister to evaluate the situation. Is your sister's issue with your behavior towards her or towards your mother?

Perhaps mom can be moved to a nursing facility?

Or, you could call the police and request a "welfare check" and see if they will get a social worker involved.

An Elder Law Attorney can advise you on the laws about this issue. Maybe the lawyer could speak to your sister or request a hearing with judge. Perhaps a guardian might settle this matter?

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Yes. This daughter c/sh/ould call APS.
Nursing facility move won't change the fact of decisions (legal) a POA makes so your comment is confusing to me. Could you elaborate?

Gena / Touch Matters

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So sorry that as often happens dying and death of loved ones bring out the worst and ( at times the best) in people. Since you do not share any details of what circumstances have led to this, I will simply say this:
1. Do you have any contact with the hospice team? You may or may not ( sounds like not) be listed as a pcg or contact person with her hospice team. That does not stop you from calling the hospice agency that is caring for your mother and make them aware of the dynamics and situation not allowing you to see you mother. They may be able to speak with the case manager for your mother and ask him/her to look into this and possibly request a family meeting. They can speak with the social worker on the case also. You may also be able to request to speak with the social worker .
Ask to speak with the chaplain on the hospice team. He/she should be able to provide support with you and possibly speak with the interdisciplinary team caring for your mother and make them aware of the dynamics.

2. Speak with your clergy or faith leader ( if you practice a faith). They can provide you with support for your grief , spiritual distress.

3. Do you and your sister have a history of poor dynamics?

4. Sometimes the POA has control and or anxiety or grief issues themselves which block their ability to best allow all family access to the dying pt. for both the patient's and each family members peaceful partings. This may or may not be the case here. But, it does often happen.

5. Do you have anxiety or other emotional, behavioral issues that may be contributing to this dynamic?

6. EVERY family member, the POA and each and every family member need to remember that this is about your MOTHER, the patient.....and the PATIENT.YOUR MOTHER 's preferences and rights are to be honored. Each and every family member needs to put their own agendas on the back burner now and, all agree to disagree if necessary in an amicable way to allow your Mother to have peace .
When each one visits with her, the visit needs to be about her....

7. Remember that patients on hospice care and dying patients, can hear even when they cannot speak. To the dying patient hearing angry or anxious voices or sensing hostility among family members is very upsetting. If family members need to disagree especially loudly, they need to take it outside the room and out of hearing range of the patient.

Peace be with you all,,,

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It is hard to help when you haven't told us what precipitated this!

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Yes. Exactly what I said. Gena / Touch Matters

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I think between family members, before getting into rights and legal issues to fight, would it be possible for you to take initiative to kindly ask your sister WHYs? She may have come concerns that are not communicated with you clearly?

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If it were anywhere other than your sister's property, AND your mother wants to see you, then you'd have a right to see her, if your sister just had a POA and not Guardianship.

BUT, I don't think your sister is obligated to allow you onto her property. This is a sad situation. Either your mother would have to leave your sister's property to see you, or you'll have to get your sister's consent to enter her property.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not a lawyer. This is just my layman analysis.

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I would question why your sister has decided this.
What aren't you telling us? about your past / past relationship with your family? sister? mother? There is more to this story. No one can make an accurate response without knowing your relationship history with all concerned.

This isn't a 'cruel' response. It is practical and justiifed based on what you are - and aren't sharing with us - and wanting advice.

Gena Galenski
Touch Matters

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If it’s a feud between the sisters it still doesn’t give the one with POA the right to block the other one from seeing her mom.

That’s just being spiteful

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Did your mother ask you to stay when they asked you to leave? Does your mother ask to see you?

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Becky04469,
I agree with you.

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The only thing u can do is hire a lawyer or if there are family issues make peace so u can see ur mom. Otherwise, it will hurt for awhile if u don’t get to see ur mom. Ur sister is the one that’s really going to have to answer to God. Just pray about everything.

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I noticed the original writer hasn't been back since the date she asked her question.

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Without being sarcastic, what could possibly has occurred between you two for your sister displaying such an adamant behavior towards your person? Is it safe to assume that this is an ongoing feud lasting till the last stages of an hospice patient? That not even in such an extreme moment has abated? Short of the opposite party being fearful for the patient’s safety at these final days against your person, and with perhaps a court mandate dictating so, I am sure barring any legal decision, a kind nurse should offer a few moments to allow some sort of visitation. POA alone does not preclude a sibling from visiting a hospice care family member. Good luck, if on no wrongdoing on your part you are being denied such a critical visit.

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Siblings do this quite frequently showing that they’re the ones in control……..yes even on a parent’s deathbed.

I had it happen to me with my brother and I was only able to see her with the help of an agency I called once she was in a nursing home & no longer in a private home.

Some siblings want power, control & greed.

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KellimCarter912: Please speak to your sister in an effort to squelch/appease the issue so that you are able to see your mother before she passes away. Whatever the problem is or was, put it on the back burner for now for your mother's sake. Hugs during this difficult time.

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Many legal references mentioned POA can or can't do, or called rights and limitations. One example is "The POA cannot act outside of the Principal’s best interest. ". The question becomes who would have more privilege/merit to judge this and what the judgement is based on when considering "within" or "outside" of....even though there is a Living Will made together with POA (who has access to it, etc.). Especially when there are multiple rights in place, such as property ownership rights, medical or location decision rights, living will rights, which one would dictate the others and when could the legal action take place.

Anyway, even the original poster hasn't responded to others' inquires with more detailed background info, but this question itself prompted me to think of it as more general question.

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Whatever happens, make sure you are the one who calls 911 first. Even if you think your sister or brother-in-law is already on the phone with 911, whip your phone out and call it too because you might get through first if they or their dispatcher accidently gets cut off. Whoever calls first often receives more sympathy. As a matter of fact, why not call them now and ask for an officer to call you back. Then say that your family won't let you visit your dying parent in their home, and ask for advice. Don't mention any drama; keep it simple. That way, the 911 records will have YOU on file as the first person to call, which can work in your favor if there is ever an on-site dispute or if there is an attempt by the other family to get a restraining order. You calling first might slow down their legal process a little, which could buy you time until your mother passes. Ask your sister if she would set up a Zoom or Facetime for you. Consider looking in windows if you know which one your mother sees. If it's at night, light your face up with a flash light so your mom can see you. Your mom might fight for your rights then. Send so many flowers that it becomes an in-house topic of anger, so that your mom will overhear that you sent them. Contact your local human rights commission (volunteer attorneys) if there is one. Get legal advice to see if you can get custody of your mother. Arrive with a local church minister. Arrive with a large, intimidating escort (pay one if you have to). Have various ministers from churches go try to talk sense into your sister.

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911 is for life or death emergencies. Not for getting advice. This person needs to seek legal advice from a lawyer not to play games with clogging up the 911 switchboard!! Maybe there is a very good reason for the sister to be not included. We're hearing only one side of her story.

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October 2022 post.

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My sister is POA of our mom and is refusing to let me see her. She’s in hospice care at my sister's and they made me leave. She’s going to die. Any advice?

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