This all happened today.
My father, 90, died Aug. 4. My sister has been spending nights with mom, and mom has been equivocal to mean toward my sister who is pursuing buying the whole house from mom, even though mom told me last week she did not want to live under her child’s roof.
My mom is 87. She doesn’t have dementia. She still drives. However, my YS said that middle sister had found a way to “transfer” the property to YS while preserving Prop 13 in California for YS and that we would talk about it.
So, ok, but really not. My mom does not want to sell, first of all. Second, I assume we’d all be on the hook for gift vs estate tax. Third, this is way too soon for anyone to be accelerating this.
Ok, and then we are going home and his mom calls. We pop over there and there’s this 6 yo there, not even the child of this aide but one from some relative of hers, and it’s late. The child may be sleeping there for all I know. I told DH I wasn’t going to be part of affirming this behavior and he shouldn’t be either.
Or has your mom only told you that she doesn’t want to sell?
It’s your mom’s house. It’s your mother’s decision to make, not your sister’s choice what to do with her home.
You could ask her for more details regarding the child who may be staying there.
If Mom is TRULY LUCID regarding the aspects of this situation, SHE needs a good family practice lawyer’s opinion. She also needs to get her paperwork in order for POA and her will. If that hasn’t been done none of you will be able to take charge when/if necessary.
If she is dealing with “a little forgetfulness”, “needs a little help that she didn’t need a year ago”, “doesn’t always lock her door or sometimes leaves pots on a hot stove burner” or “doesn’t seem to keep herself up and dress as well as she was before” or any other observable changes over the last 12-18 months, she also needs a physical and medical opinion.
If you have ANY SAY among your siblings, you may want to suggest that ALL OF YOU get out of the picture as far as decision making that at least for now, belongs to Mom.
You decision, right now, is fine. Stick to it.
Would she like sis to move out?
Will she tell her that?
Discuss the house, the visiting kid, future care plans that Mom prefers, etc. It may seem daunting but if you do have a meeting you will not regret it.
Good luck!
People get pneumonia shots today. I was a caregiver for a long time and can tell you that children can be like a tonic for the elderly. Clearly the mother doesn't really need hands-on care if she's still able to drive herself places. So what's wrong with having the kid around of she likes them?
I used to bring my boy around on some cases that did not involve any hands-on care. The old people loved him. A situation like that could very well be what's going on.
It's her house. Not wanting to sell and move somewhere else is not unreasonable.
Please excuse me if I speak plainly here, but your sisters sound like they are greedy and trying to pull a fast one.
Maybe your sister doesn't have to spend nights at your mother's house if she doesn't want her there. With the child being there, it would seem to me like your mother is planning on moving in the aide responsible for that child to be her live-in aide/companion.
You and your sisters should not be quick to dismiss this as a terrible idea.
Talk to your mother about what's going on and not at her. See what she says about her situation.
Peggy Sue's in-laws have an aide whose child or niece is staying there.
Peggy Sue, is that correct?
You need to protect Mom and Dad. Maybe time to put the house in a trust. Would be doing this keep to sisters from being able to take it right from under your parents? Your not trying to protect from Medicaid, your trying to protect from greedy sisters.
The child, if Mom doesn't mind you shouldn't either. But I may pull aide aside and tell her this cannot be an ongoing thing. I really think its nervy to bring a child not your own to a clients home. But I can also see where there may have been an emergency. I agree with burnt some elders love to have children around. But, I would not want it to become a habit. The aide is there to do a job.
If there is a sale I hope the POA for Mom will ensure she has LIFE ESTATE in the home.
I can only recommend, if you have any relationship with Sis and Mom at all that the THREE Of you attend an Elder Law Attorney for a consult on options here. And if you do NOT have a relationship, and this sister has now taken over "caregiving" of your Mom, you may want to step away and let the poop hit the fan before you get splattered good with it.
Family wars NEVER END WELL.
As to the MIL. Oh well, just make it clear children can't come. Then when the caregiver doesn't show at all you can take over?? I mean, is that the option?
If sister wants to pay full market value and mom wants to sell it to her thats moms choice.
But it sounds like mom is being manipulated and pressured by your other two sisters which is not cool.
As for the in-laws it's not your monkeys and not your circus. You have enough problems in your own messed up family dynamic to worry about someone else's family.
Anyway, the lawyer suggested a 15 percent gift deed for ys in exchange for ys doing renovations that would amount to 15 percent of the house if it sold today. If mom dies in 5 or 10 years, it would still be 15 percent with the other 85 percent divided among the three of us.
2. Will mom ever need Medicaid for LTC? Only say "no" if she has at least 2 million in reserve aside from home. Because this "deal" isn't going to sit well with them.
2. There’s about 1.5m remaining in mom’s retirement accounts. Beyond this, she only has the social security that stay at home moms do. If she exhausts that, however, I don’t want her to go the Medicaid route.
Survivors Benefit Amount
From SSA.gov:
Surviving spouse, full retirement age or older — 100% of the deceased worker's benefit amount.
Surviving spouse, age 60 — through full retirement age — 71½ to 99% of the deceased worker's basic amount.
Surviving spouse with a disability aged 50 through 59 — 71½%.