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Your father is your STEPMOTHER'S problem to care for, not yours! She needs to speak to an elder care attorney versed in Medicaid who can guide her about placing him in long term care. You have a small apartment and no experience caring for an elder with dementia. Period. You likely work, too, so what is dad supposed to do during your work hours? Just because step mom is burned out doesn't mean you are the answer. She can look into daycare for him, in home caregivers, etc. When the going gets tough, we don't dump our spouses off on their children's doorsteps, sorry.
Best of luck setting down boundaries and sticking to them.
You don’t take him in. Period. You’re not prepared for this, have no experience, don’t have room in your house, and your dad deserves better. Be firm with stepmom and wish her well with HER problem.
Don't let her send him to you! Her husband is HER RESPONSIBILITY.
She needs to see an eldercare lawyer and make a plan HERSELF. Let her know NOW you can't take him, don't give in or feel sorry for her. Dad is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
Make it very clear you can't possibly take him in, you have to work and earn a living. You have no room or experience dealing with dementia. Dad needs professional care in a facility, not pawned off on you by his wife. Encourage her to see a lawyer and make some arrangements for him.
"Don't let her send him to you" is easier to say than to 'enforce'. Co-operation has a lot going for it, particularly for Dad. Being rejected by both daughter and new wife, at a time when he really needs support, has to be about as bad as it comes.
You will be exactly where your stepmother is, overwhelmed and without support. Is there any way you can work with her to find a more suitable plan that addresses his caregiving needs while also guarding the well being of you both? Her plan as it stands is simply transferring her burnout onto you
How old is your stepmother? How long have she and F been married? Is this a ‘normal’ case where a younger woman has married an older man with assets, without guessing that at 71 he would develop serious health issues? If so, she probably regrets the marriage and would prefer that it had never happened. She would like to deliver him to you to cope with. That would be the best option for her, particularly if she can keep whatever assets they have in Florida. However the advice to refuse it, already given, is hard to put into practice if he just turns up on your doorstep.
I’d suggest that you see a lawyer to look at the finances involved. Going for the money may put a stop on finding him on the doorstep. If there is enough to buy him into good AL care, you may need to think about whether you would in fact be happier with him in care close to you, rather than in Florida. It would be good if you can understand the bind that your stepmother is finding herself in, and come up with the best solution for both of you.
I may have read this situation quite wrong, and if so I am sorry. But the comments may have some aspects that are worth thinking about.
You start by saying “ It is not possible for Dad to live with me “ Period . If she is burned out , you would be too if he lived with you . He needs to go to a facility, preferably in Florida .
Tell her to seek a facility for Dad in Florida , there are many of them there . Tell her to call her local County Area of Aging , they will do a care needs assessment and will help her find placement for him in the appropriate level of care .
Also for her to go to an eldercare attorney near her about the financials. Dad is her responsibility , not yours.
If you want to and are able you could offer to tour facilities ( in Florida ) and/or help her with moving Dad to a facility near his wife .
Just remember that 'an eldercare attorney near her' will be working for her, to maximise the outcome for her. That's not necessarily a good thing, particularly if there are substantial assets.
I am struck by how punitive most of these answers are to a ‘step mother’. If OP’s birth parents were still alive and married, no-one would be saying ‘don’t help your mother’ if Dad had an unexpected serious illness at age 71. There are three people here with a difficult problem, and co-operation is more appropriate than so much venom at the step-mother.
You can help her to keep him down there by advising her to contact social services for their county. He can get assessed for in-home services, which won't solve all the problems but maybe some.
Is she your Father's PoA? If not, this may also be a problem for her (and would be for you, if you are also not his PoA). This info would be helpful to know here.
What kind of assets do they have? I'm assuming not much since she seems to not be hiring outside help. She can do this, maybe help connect her to an agency. Or find Adult Day Care programs if she's able to drive him there (and he willingly goes). Sometimes large churches have these programs, and are less expensive.
I strongly recommend against taking him in to live with you. He can live near you, but not with you. And you will need to have his assets to pay for his care. Not sure how this would work if he's still married.
She should consult with an elder law attorney and also a Medicaid Planner for FL. If she has no ties in FL, maybe they should both move up, but not live with you. It's hard to know what to tell you with not enough info, but I hope this helps.
This situation is difficult to figure out not knowing the age and health status of the stepmother as well as the general financial status of the couple. It could make a significant difference if the s'mom is in her 50s-60s and healthy vs. if she, too, is in her 70s with serious health issues of her own. In the former case s'mom should be primarily responsible to make arrangements for the appropriate home care or facility for her husband; if the latter, she will probably need help in figuring out a solution, which in any event should not include moving dad into OP's small home. Financial resources (or lack thereof) will enter into any solution.
Vascular dementia is the most aggressive of all the dementias with a life expectancy of just 5 years, and the care of someone with it can be very overwhelming, I know, as my late husband had it. This isn't the time to be thinking about moving your dad anywhere except perhaps to either an assisted living facility or memory care unit, preferably in Florida where his wife can still keep an eye on him and visit when she wants. With all the older folks living in Florida, I'm sure there are many great programs available to them to help in such a situation as your stepmothers, so perhaps you just need to explore those options with her so she doesn't feel so alone and overwhelmed. Best wishes in finding the right care for your dad.
No, this is not your problem, I may be wrong but was it your dad's and his wife decision to move to Florida? If so that was there choice. I've often wondered when elderly move to Florida, away from family and they start needing help and support, what happens to them. Because it's definitely not fair to the family If they are expected to now deal with them needing help and being far away. They made there choices.
I'm sure your stepmom is having a hard time, we all understand that , but you can't and shouldn't change your whole life for your dad, it's your stepmoms problem not yours.
This is your life, live it and enjoy it! Life is short
What happens when they move to FL and need help ? I can tell you . First you are ordering food , and take out for them etc . ( In our case during Covid) Fielding angry calls when their food delivery either wasn’t complete or had substitutions due to shortages . Amazon shopping for them . They call you up everyday to order one thing. Flying down to set up a ring camera etc etc. You’re begging them to move from their condo . They finally move to independent living when they really belong in assisted living . One dies 6 months after the move to IL. Then you end up rescuing the surviving one and bring him back up north . Then while trying to get him to sign POA and your looking for AL , he’s living with you peeing on your couch and leaving poopy wipes on the back of the toilet tank , and poop smears on the wall near the toilet paper and on the sink and faucet . And you have to come home from work and clean it everyday for weeks until you get him placed .
This was my FIL and his 2nd wife who after 20 years of snowbirding each winter , decided at 80 years old to move to FL permanently . That’s backwards , most move down there in your 60’s then move back near kids when older ( if at all ). He waited too late , it was all down hill once he got there , couldn’t golf , swim etc . anymore.
You Can start by Looking up reviews on YELP .com of Places he Can go for assisted living . I did that asked a support group where they thought the best Places are in Boston and then researched them . You Can also Go to Propublica a Journalist site to seee which Nursing Homes have been reported for Neglect to Medicare . And then give her advice . Or go for a visit and tour some of the Places with her .
Tell Step-mom that she can find a facility down there that will meet his needs or She can find a facility near you that will meet his needs. Explain that YOU can not care for him in a safe manner either.
If she elects to find a facility near you then SHE makes ALL the arrangements to get him from Florida to Maine. (beautiful State by the way. Close to the home of the Northern Hemisphere's largest whirlpool!) And she must accompany him to his new home.
If dad is a Veteran he may qualify for benefits through the VA S-Mom can check that out. It is also possible that dad may qualify for Hospice if so that would give mom a Nurse 1 time a week, a CNA at least 2 times a week and the ability to request a Volunteer to sit with dad while she gets some things done on her own. And all the Supplies and Equipment and medications that she needs for him would be delivered.
But you need to stand firm and not cave...you have to establish boundaries and maintain them.
If Dad is 71 then you are still working. No matter where he lives, he needs more care than you can give him. He cannot be left alone. You must work. Do you really want to come home every night to care for someone. And the cost odpf an aide! Iscshe paying for that? And is she sending money to help pay for his care? There is also health insurance, Medicare goes over state lines but supplimentals and Medicare Advantages don't. She can't put him on a plane and send him up. Does she expect u to quit your job? That is so unrealistic.
This woman married your Dad and moved to Fla. He is her responsibility. Tell her NO, its not possible. She needs to place your Dad either in Memory Care or Long-term care. Depends on what kind of money they have. If they have assets, she needs to see an elder lawyer to have assets split. His split going to his care, when gone she applies for Medicaid. At that point, she becomes the Community Spouse remaining in the home, has a car and enough or all of their monthly income to live on.
That is a tough one to deal with. Perhaps you can find a MC for him near you. He cannot live alone, and needs 24/7 care, this disease is progressive, and he will continue to get worse.
Start with finding out who has is POA, find out where he is in this progression, find out what his financial position is, talk to an estate/elder attorney.
Sending support your way, keep posting it will help.
You start by telling her "NO". She is now the wife. I have every sympathy with someone facing that "in sickness and health" down because I am 81 and my partner 83 and we are both well aware that the Grim Reaper will be visiting at some point and we hope his scythe is sharpened. Going the slow way is a crucible for the person enduring it, and for the entire family.
Your step-mom is now facing down the "bad as it gets" of wives everywhere. But this is HERS to deal with unless your father made YOU his POA and you accepted that duty.
Whether he remains in FL or comes home to Maine, it is now time for this blended family to get together in his behalf. Do pay a visit. Help Step mom to attend an Elder Care Attorney to get papers together, to do division of finances and to work on placement for your Dad. Whether that placement is there, his home now, or coming to Maine is somewhat a moot point, other than that it will be slightly better in the state of his residency.
Sorry, but this doesn't mean you take him in, and please decline to do so even temporarily. Once you do that you have painted yourself in the corner of having made your home his home, and having made his caregiving your responsibility.
I wish you so much luck in this dilemma and your step-mom as well, and of course your Dad.
The Step-Mother needs more help + the Father needs more help. This does not = the OP being 'the help'.
There may be burn out, not coping. There may be many reasons the Dad's wife cannot continue as she is (eg her own health, cultural beliefs, financial reasons, faith based idelas, family-helps-family values).
I've stepped close to that pond of need so many times.. when the caregiver thinks they are alone, are sinking in quicksand, have become desparate. If you lend a hand they pull you in. Step on you as they climb out. Leave you to drown.
No. Throw them ropes.
Advise them how to find their help. How to find their steps up & out. Do not be trampled underfoot.
Kimmie, first off, I am so sorry that your dad is facing down dementia at such a young age. That just stinks.
I would encourage you to help your overwhelmed, unsupported, no doubt frightened and exhausted stepmother to get help. She or you can call the county counsel on aging and start finding resources that help both of them. She doesn't have to do this alone and she doesn't have to send him away to get some support and care herself.
Help them find a solution, don't be the solution. Credit to JoAnn for that Golden nugget of wisdom.
Do not let her send dad to you. No way. You can help from afar, as your time and energy permit. Tell her about this site and she can post for her own advice. But you can suggest she start hiring people to help with his care ASAP. Maybe there are daycare programs nearby. Maybe you can go for a visit and see first hand how things are going and help her get some things going as far as help. You are NOT the answer so don't get pushed into the deep water when you don't know how to swim.
Encourage stepmom to hire in home caregivers at least 2 days a week so she can get respite. If stepmom can afford more, encourage her to get more days of in come caregivers while she is figuring things out.
Encourage stepmom to start researching facilities in Florida. There are a lot of them here.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Best of luck setting down boundaries and sticking to them.
She needs to see an eldercare lawyer and make a plan HERSELF.
Let her know NOW you can't take him, don't give in or feel sorry for her.
Dad is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
Make it very clear you can't possibly take him in, you have to work and earn a living. You have no room or experience dealing with dementia. Dad needs professional care in a facility, not pawned off on you by his wife.
Encourage her to see a lawyer and make some arrangements for him.
I’d suggest that you see a lawyer to look at the finances involved. Going for the money may put a stop on finding him on the doorstep. If there is enough to buy him into good AL care, you may need to think about whether you would in fact be happier with him in care close to you, rather than in Florida. It would be good if you can understand the bind that your stepmother is finding herself in, and come up with the best solution for both of you.
I may have read this situation quite wrong, and if so I am sorry. But the comments may have some aspects that are worth thinking about.
“ It is not possible for Dad to live with me “ Period . If she is burned out , you would be too if he lived with you . He needs to go to a facility, preferably in Florida .
Tell her to seek a facility for Dad in Florida , there are many of them there . Tell her to call her local County Area of Aging , they will do a care needs assessment and will help her find placement for him in the appropriate level of care .
Also for her to go to an eldercare attorney near her about the financials.
Dad is her responsibility , not yours.
If you want to and are able you could offer to tour facilities ( in Florida ) and/or help her with moving Dad to a facility near his wife .
Good Luck.
Is she your Father's PoA? If not, this may also be a problem for her (and would be for you, if you are also not his PoA). This info would be helpful to know here.
What kind of assets do they have? I'm assuming not much since she seems to not be hiring outside help. She can do this, maybe help connect her to an agency. Or find Adult Day Care programs if she's able to drive him there (and he willingly goes). Sometimes large churches have these programs, and are less expensive.
I strongly recommend against taking him in to live with you. He can live near you, but not with you. And you will need to have his assets to pay for his care. Not sure how this would work if he's still married.
She should consult with an elder law attorney and also a Medicaid Planner for FL. If she has no ties in FL, maybe they should both move up, but not live with you. It's hard to know what to tell you with not enough info, but I hope this helps.
This isn't the time to be thinking about moving your dad anywhere except perhaps to either an assisted living facility or memory care unit, preferably in Florida where his wife can still keep an eye on him and visit when she wants.
With all the older folks living in Florida, I'm sure there are many great programs available to them to help in such a situation as your stepmothers, so perhaps you just need to explore those options with her so she doesn't feel so alone and overwhelmed.
Best wishes in finding the right care for your dad.
I'm sure your stepmom is having a hard time, we all understand that , but you can't and shouldn't change your whole life for your dad, it's your stepmoms problem not yours.
This is your life, live it and enjoy it! Life is short
What happens when they move to FL and need help ?
I can tell you . First you are ordering food , and take out for them etc . ( In our case during Covid) Fielding angry calls when their food delivery either wasn’t complete or had substitutions due to shortages . Amazon shopping for them . They call you up everyday to order one thing. Flying down to set up a ring camera etc etc. You’re begging them to move from their condo . They finally move to independent living when they really belong in assisted living . One dies 6 months after the move to IL. Then you end up rescuing the surviving one and bring him back up north . Then while trying to get him to sign POA and your looking for AL , he’s living with you peeing on your couch and leaving poopy wipes on the back of the toilet tank , and poop smears on the wall near the toilet paper and on the sink and faucet . And you have to come home from work and clean it everyday for weeks until you get him placed .
This was my FIL and his 2nd wife who after 20 years of snowbirding each winter , decided at 80 years old to move to FL permanently . That’s backwards , most move down there in your 60’s then move back near kids when older ( if at all ). He waited too late , it was all down hill once he got there , couldn’t golf , swim etc . anymore.
or
She can find a facility near you that will meet his needs.
Explain that YOU can not care for him in a safe manner either.
If she elects to find a facility near you then SHE makes ALL the arrangements to get him from Florida to Maine. (beautiful State by the way. Close to the home of the Northern Hemisphere's largest whirlpool!)
And she must accompany him to his new home.
If dad is a Veteran he may qualify for benefits through the VA S-Mom can check that out.
It is also possible that dad may qualify for Hospice if so that would give mom a Nurse 1 time a week, a CNA at least 2 times a week and the ability to request a Volunteer to sit with dad while she gets some things done on her own. And all the Supplies and Equipment and medications that she needs for him would be delivered.
But you need to stand firm and not cave...you have to establish boundaries and maintain them.
This woman married your Dad and moved to Fla. He is her responsibility. Tell her NO, its not possible. She needs to place your Dad either in Memory Care or Long-term care. Depends on what kind of money they have. If they have assets, she needs to see an elder lawyer to have assets split. His split going to his care, when gone she applies for Medicaid. At that point, she becomes the Community Spouse remaining in the home, has a car and enough or all of their monthly income to live on.
She has options.
Start with finding out who has is POA, find out where he is in this progression, find out what his financial position is, talk to an estate/elder attorney.
Sending support your way, keep posting it will help.
She is now the wife. I have every sympathy with someone facing that "in sickness and health" down because I am 81 and my partner 83 and we are both well aware that the Grim Reaper will be visiting at some point and we hope his scythe is sharpened. Going the slow way is a crucible for the person enduring it, and for the entire family.
Your step-mom is now facing down the "bad as it gets" of wives everywhere. But this is HERS to deal with unless your father made YOU his POA and you accepted that duty.
Whether he remains in FL or comes home to Maine, it is now time for this blended family to get together in his behalf. Do pay a visit. Help Step mom to attend an Elder Care Attorney to get papers together, to do division of finances and to work on placement for your Dad. Whether that placement is there, his home now, or coming to Maine is somewhat a moot point, other than that it will be slightly better in the state of his residency.
Sorry, but this doesn't mean you take him in, and please decline to do so even temporarily. Once you do that you have painted yourself in the corner of having made your home his home, and having made his caregiving your responsibility.
I wish you so much luck in this dilemma and your step-mom as well, and of course your Dad.
+ the Father needs more help.
This does not = the OP being 'the help'.
There may be burn out, not coping.
There may be many reasons the Dad's wife cannot continue as she is (eg her own health, cultural beliefs, financial reasons, faith based idelas, family-helps-family values).
I've stepped close to that pond of need so many times.. when the caregiver thinks they are alone, are sinking in quicksand, have become desparate. If you lend a hand they pull you in. Step on you as they climb out. Leave you to drown.
No.
Throw them ropes.
Advise them how to find their help.
How to find their steps up & out.
Do not be trampled underfoot.
I would encourage you to help your overwhelmed, unsupported, no doubt frightened and exhausted stepmother to get help. She or you can call the county counsel on aging and start finding resources that help both of them. She doesn't have to do this alone and she doesn't have to send him away to get some support and care herself.
Help them find a solution, don't be the solution. Credit to JoAnn for that Golden nugget of wisdom.
Best of luck.
Don’t even entertain any suggestions of caring for him yourself. That’s just a silly fantasy.
Encourage stepmom to start researching facilities in Florida. There are a lot of them here.