I'm not close with grandma. My uncle asked me to stay overnight w/ her at the hospital so I can help her to the bathroom. Am I overreacting?

Thank you for your kind words of support.

It's a tough situation emotionally either way -- whether I distance or don't distance myself. The second grandmother says she's not responsible for her actions. It's our actions or things not going right that make her say these things. But if she's not responsible, then who is? I think I am starting to realize that now. She says she loves us, maybe she does, but I don't think this is love. I don't want to start my adulthood with all of this negativity and put-downs.

The only grandparent I ever had a close relationship with as a child was my paternal grandfather, and he normally never had to even ask for my help (non-personal hygiene tasks of course). I really shouldn't have been asked about the first grandmother (his wife, with whom I was not close at all) and for the second grandmother to demand that I be agreeable to helping her in the bathroom when she gets older just made me feel very uneasy and violated boundaries, given that she is demanding help with a very intimate task. I've driven her to stores before (again, not that I need to, she has a home health aide, has a driver's license, is capable of driving, but does not like to drive as she lived in a city for most of her life and would use public transportation) because her grocery shopping can consist of 5-7 stores, depending on the items. The first time, she told me the home health aide had a family emergency, asked me to drive her, and I felt bad, with Covid and all, so I drove her. And then, it started becoming an every week thing, She's always been very critical, and it's gotten so much worse in the past couple of years, and every single time I go to drive, in her eyes, I can't seem to do anything right. I drop by Dunkin' Donuts before to pick up a coffee she likes (out of my own pocket), bread from a specific bakery near the gym I go to that she likes, some sweets or items from Trader Joe's that she may like, and yet nothing is ever good enough. As soon as I walk through her door, she starts verbally abusing me. "You are so selfish. You don't care for me. You could only help me on Sunday, but I needed you on Friday because the store had less lines. Why did you go to the gym before coming here? If you didn't go to the gym, you could have been here much earlier" (we agree on a time to meet, I go to the gym before, then I get at least 3 calls from her, asking to push up the time because she woke up late, so I get an extra couple of gym machines in, then I get a call confirming that I am coming and that I know it's going to be later, then she tells me it's taking longer, so I go home and take a slow shower, then she calls and asks me why I am not here yet, and I remind her that she asked me to come later, and she changes her mind and tells me to come now, and I tell her that I just got out of the shower and need another 20 minutes. Then I get to her place for the agreed upon (delayed) time, and she tells me that I am selfish because I went to the gym, and if I didn't go to the gym, I would be available when she called me. And the verbal abuse does not end. It's not harmless criticism. It's if you make a wrong turn (I normally go to school out of state and may forget a road I haven't been on in a while), you're a bad human being, a failure just like my mother, I ruined my own life, and will be lucky if I get a minimum wage job when Covid ends. And consistently it continues. I have to ask her to stop several times, it will stop for 20 minutes and start up again, and then she wonders why I am no longer smiling and my face looks tense. She's like that to other people in the family, but is prim, proper, and polite around non-family. My mother happily orders stuff for her and drops it off but will not take her to any stores, and I understand why. The last time, she berated me because she didn't like the way the bread was packed in the bag I used to carry it from the bakery. It is a fine line between criticizing the action I did versus telling me I am a horrible, selfish human being. And I guess she found out about when I refused to help the other grandmother with the bathroom pre-Covid, and gave me her thoughts about it (the final straw). Honestly, every time I leave after our five hour long grocery shopping trips, I feel like I am a piece of sh*t. I don't need to pick up her literal sh*t in the future, as I am already taking her verbal excrement. I have addressed her behavior multiple times and keep insisting on my boundaries.

Not to hijack this discussion and make it another topic, but it’s important to know that Cologuard only detects when it’s already cancer. A colonoscopy finds issues before they are cancer. I know many people dread and have concerns about a colonoscopy, it’s actually quick and you don’t remember a thing. The prep is a hassle, but well worth finding potential problems early

Multiple doctors have spoken to her about that, but she refuses to listen and prefers junk food. She has all of her faculties and does not have dementia/Alzheimer's. She's never watched her diet for most of her life. My father continues to buy her cakes to please her (and I am not judging). That is their choice. She continues to cook unhealthy food (her choice, not judging). I don't want to anger her or my father (her weight does not affect my life as long I don't have to physically help her), and when asked, I have dropped by the store on my way to visit to pick up whatever cake or pastries she and her husband asked for or my father told me to get for them. Her hospital stays have been a result of her weight problem and eating habits. Her response was that my father will help her any way, and that if she cannot move, then he and the rest of the family will lift her. My father is not athletic and muscular. Neither am I. If my uncle thinks I should help because I am a female, this is not a good idea. My uncle and cousin, based on their weight and build, would be better suited for this.

Mayday, I was very nervous about a colonoscopy, but it went fine. Breezy hospital gown, knocked out for a short time then done. You'll be fine I'm sure. The prep is better I think these days? Planning to stay home (near your own toilet) on prep day is probably safer just in case though.

Having someone take you there & back is good too, if possible. After the fasting, I nearly fainted on public transport & was so vague I could hardly find the hospital, let alone the right building. Staff often insist on an escort home so no taxis. Ask about that. A smaller private clinic may be more $$ but have less waiting around than a big hospital.

Mayday this is silly. For a colonoscopy, you get a very quick anesthesia which puts you out for just a few minutes. You never see or feel the lazer camera, and you go in and come out of theatre decently covered. I’m confused about whether you are complaining about OP feeling ‘grossed out’, or saying that YOU feel ‘grossed out’ about anal issues generally!

My uncle wanted to look like he was providing care for his parents but without spending too much of his time on it. I have observed this frequently and have seen my uncle and father "work together" but really it's my father doing the work. The second grandmother who called me selfish is obese too, and I doubt that I would be able to lift her. I don't why she would want a lightweight on her list of helpers. It's not safe for her or me. This was a highly rated hospital. My father has an extreme sense of reverence for the elderly and insists that someone be there the whole time to help with tasks, or if there are people there to help with tasks, to have a list of "backup" people to help with tasks.

I would have agreed with you that it is odd but really it’s not. My mom has surgery last month and every time she pushed the button for assistance when she needed to use the bathroom, it took at least 30 minutes for someone to show up. She was labeled a fall risk and they still dragged their asses getting to her. So now I see why some family members are compelled to micromanage and prefer to be with their relative the entire hospital stay. It’s possible the OPs family has had a similar experience and want to know that grandma isn’t left waiting when she needs help. The staff is expected to address these needs but them doing it in a timely manner is another story.

That is good advice, Taarna. You are right.

Even by our culture, this is not acceptable, as I've checked with some of my female friends, and they have never been asked to do this for their grandparents. It's expected that both the wife and husband work, but the wife does most of the housework. But when it comes to caregiving: 1. People didn't live that long and past 60 was considered old 2. At city hospitals, no visitors/family were allowed overnight, visitation rules were very strict, and healthcare was free 3. Older people were not sedentary, home health aides and private nurses unheard of, and elders would typically take care of themselves, do shopping, walk, climb stairs (albeit slower) until the end because families could not afford to hire someone or to not work or not go to school. An older teenaged (male) grandchild might be expected to help grandma carry groceries up the stairs, or maybe move heavy household equipment 4. My siblings and I grew up in the States, but in Russia, usually the grandparents would take of the household while the adult children were at work, which kept grandparents motivated and active. Unless a catastrophic accident occurs, elders wanting to lie around all day, eat, watch TV, be taken to 8 grocery stores, have their meals brought and served to them was unheard of. 5. My siblings and I lived only with our parents. The grandparents lived in separate homes but nearby. Our parents raised us and did the diapering/cooking/housework. Our grandparents were not our surrogate parents, as my parents provided for us and made sure our basic needs were met. I am very blindsided by this whole thing. 4. Usually, the adult children (parents) take care of the grandparents. Grandchildren only take care of grandparents if their parents died and the grandparents became the adoptive parents (very common post-World War II, but that was not the case with our family as all four grandparents had surviving parents and would only visit their grandparents in the villages once in a while in the summers). Adult children would try to spare grandchildren the grim aspects of life as schooling and career is considered very important for the family. 5. Our family is well-educated, from Yekaterinburg, and not from a religious community. In a lot of Russian-American communities, low-income elders have more than enough home health aide hours, outpatient nurse visits, and even use home health aides as taxi transportation to the bank or to the grandchildren's house to visit (more than enough benefits). My second grandmother (the one who told me I was selfish for not taking the first grandmother to the bathroom in a hospital) recently asked for less home health aide hours because they could not find stuff for them to do. (And she doesn't like the way the home health aide cooks, uses the vacuum, and folds the laundry). With Medicaid, they have free rides to the doctor's office and back. The grandkids aren't even necessary, IMO.

If I may ask, how did your 25-year-old son react or deal with helping the grandfather?