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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Her lifelong friends are back home along with my family. She has slipped here in Florida and I feel being back home would be better. My kids, in Florida, agree with the PA saying we should not return home even for 1 month.
You may "disagree" but you're not the one with the dementia. Your doctor and children are right. Your wife should now stay put in just one place as it's very important to allow your wife to keep her same routine as folks with dementia do much better with routine. And when their routine is disrupted, all hell can break loose, and yes it makes their dementia worse. If you opt to go back home, just make sure that you plan on staying there until after your wife dies, and don't be surprised when she does get worse as she will. She hopefully in time would adjust, but it would be up to you to keep her routine in tact so you both can live a more peaceful life while she's still here. There's nothing easy about dementia, and yes dementia SUCKS!!!
Dementia damages the very brain systems that allow humans to:
- orient themselves, - form new memories, - interpret surroundings, - regulate emotion, - and adapt to change.
What feels like a manageable adjustment to a healthy brain can feel profoundly disorienting and threatening to a dementia brain. Several things are happening neurologically:
1. The brain loses the ability to form reliable new memories In many dementias — especially Alzheimer's disease — areas involved in memory formation are damaged early. So when:
- routines change, - caregivers rotate, - furniture moves, - or they move locations,
The person may not retain the new pattern long enough for it to become familiar. To them, it can feel “new” over and over again.
2. Familiar routines become a survival anchor. As cognition declines, the brain increasingly relies on:
That emotional distress can persist even when details are forgotten.
5. The dementia brain interprets novelty as threat. The brain naturally scans for familiarity and safety. With dementia:
- unfamiliar environments can feel dangerous, - new caregivers may feel like strangers, - and transitions can trigger a fight-or-flight response.
That’s why hospitalization or rehab often causes dramatic worsening.
Why acclimation sometimes never fully occurs:
Families are often told, “They’ll adjust.” Sometimes they do partially.
But in moderate or advanced dementia the ability to learn/adapt may be too impaired, especially after illness, hospitalization, anesthesia, infections, or delirium.
The person may repeatedly experience the environment as unfamiliar no matter how long they are there.
This is especially true after:
- hip fractures - surgeries/anesthesia - UTIs - pneumonia - seizures - repeated hospitalizations - C. diff - long rehab stays - delirium episodes
Each event can reduce baseline cognitive reserve further.
One important nuance is that sometimes people with dementia appear “stubborn” or “noncompliant” after changes. But often the deeper reality is:
- they are neurologically overwhelmed, - frightened, - unable to process, - or unable to store new environmental information reliably.
Their world becomes smaller because familiarity becomes essential for stability. That’s why consistent caregivers, routines, voices, lighting, objects, and schedules can become profoundly important in dementia care.
I have to ask you this... Where do you want to spend the rest of the time you have with her? If you have to place her in Memory Care or Long Terms Care where do you want that to happen? If you want to spend the rest of the time you have where you currently are, if you have to place her you will do so where you currently are then do not take her away from where she is now. If you want to go back home to friends and family, then go. What I can tell you is this... She WILL probably decline when you move her. ANY change may cause a decline. There is no telling if the decline will be just a set back and she will return to her baseline or if that will be her new "baseline" I can also tell you that moving back and forth will not be good for her and it most assuredly not be easy for you. There is a lot that goes into traveling with a person with dementia.
Those with Dementia like familiarity. Their world becomes small. They get overwhelmed with a lot of people around. My Mom it was Church and if we did go out, she was ready to go home in a hour.
My GFs parents had to make a decision when her Dad contracted ALZ. Florida permanently or go back to their home in NJ permanently. Her Mom chose NJ where family, Church and friends were. You really can't take them back and forth, it will cause confusion. Eventually incontinence sets in and they can't travel anymore.
My mom has moderate ALZ and is in assisted living, not memory care. We (her children) do take her out--sometimes for a day or two but sometimes for up go a week. My mom DOES become more discombobulated, for lack of a better word. It does seem to have a negative impact. The familiarity of places helps her. However, being with longtime friends and family puts her in such a great mood, we feel it more than balances out. In your case, you are going to a place your wife has known well, not some impersonal hotel room. Since you are going to be her primary caretaker (I assume), I would think if you honestly and objectively evaluated the situation and concluded you could manage her needs and that the both of you would benefit from the trip, then I say listen to your gut. She might not have this opportunity again. Plus, FL is miserable in the summer and she would spend more time outside if you came north.
Pick one of the two places and stay there permanently. I’d hope it’s where the most, best help is available and you feel good about medical care. If your adult children choose to be helpful that’s a bonus as well. Perhaps invite friends and family to visit your wife in her environment rather than expecting her to adapt to other places. I wish you peace
Tonydono, welcome to the forum. Many of us here are or have dealt with a love one who has dementia. The one main theory is that regular routine is the best. Thus, stay in the one place that your wife feels the most comfortable.
To learn more about the different aspects of dementia go to the top of this page and click on RESOURCES.... now click on Caregiving Topics... now click on the letter "D"..... in that section you will find excellent articles regarding dementia, etc.
I would have to agree with her medical practitioner.
My friends parents are snowbirds. Her father had Parkinsons related dementia. It is true that every time they would travel the adjusting became more difficult and there were significant declines. They have decided to live full time in Florida since it is more senior friendly and more eyes on everyone than coming back to rural upstate NY.
My cousins wanted to take my mom to where she grew up. They and mom looked forward to it, but it really set mom back. She was a lot more unhappy after the trip, and it took her a good while to settle in again. She was disappointed and blamed them, but she cannot see her own decline.
Your wife slipped in FL because she is out of her normal routine. If you take her back home, she'll slip again because that's how dementia works. If you disagree with the professionals, take her back home and see what happens. But don't say you weren't warned beforehand.
I suggest you get a copy of the book Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller (available on Amazon) and read it. Once you understand how dementia works, you'll be better equipped to manage your wife and her needs.
My husband has dementia, and my parents did too. During the course of caring for all of them, I've met many people whose loved ones have dementia. Takeaway: We all want them to be like they used to be. If we did this, or if we did that, if we only found the right combination, our loved ones might regain at least some of their cognition. Seeing Aunt Millie might spark memories in our loved one, remind her of cousin Oliver, and loved one will smile and be happy again. We cling to the hope of maybe one more day of normalcy. Maybe a spark in loved one's eye when we pass the restaurant where we met her. A gaze of wonder when she sees her old home. Anything.
It does not happen. Dementia is relentless in its progression. Loved ones do not get back the abilities they once had. False hope is the worst kind of hope, and is in fact no hope at all.
Lifelong friends won't have the same meaning for your wife. Be prepared for them to fall away as she gets sicker. They don't want to be reminded that they could develop the same condition. They may feel awkward around her, and their previous shared activities will no longer be possible.
Dementia has stolen your wife and your life, and I'm so sorry. I'm in the same situation with my sweet husband, and I empathize.
Who said denial ain’t just a river in Egypt? I think OP sounds very irritated that he is not getting the answer he wants. And he wants the visit with his wife up north for one month.
OP you can make the decision you want to make but that won’t change the risk you are taking. Maybe you’ll get lucky?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If you opt to go back home, just make sure that you plan on staying there until after your wife dies, and don't be surprised when she does get worse as she will.
She hopefully in time would adjust, but it would be up to you to keep her routine in tact so you both can live a more peaceful life while she's still here.
There's nothing easy about dementia, and yes dementia SUCKS!!!
- orient themselves,
- form new memories,
- interpret surroundings,
- regulate emotion,
- and adapt to change.
What feels like a manageable adjustment to a healthy brain can feel profoundly disorienting and threatening to a dementia brain. Several things are happening neurologically:
1. The brain loses the ability to form reliable new memories
In many dementias — especially Alzheimer's disease — areas involved in memory formation are damaged early. So when:
- routines change,
- caregivers rotate,
- furniture moves,
- or they move locations,
The person may not retain the new pattern long enough for it to become familiar.
To them, it can feel “new” over and over again.
2. Familiar routines become a survival anchor. As cognition declines, the brain increasingly relies on:
- repetition,
- procedural memory,
- habit,
- environmental cues.
Routine reduces the amount of processing required. A predictable environment helps compensate for losses in:
- reasoning,
- short-term memory,
- sequencing,
- and judgment.
When the routine changes, that compensation collapses.
3. The brain has less “cognitive reserve”. Healthy brains can adapt flexibly:
“This is different, but I can figure it out.” Dementia reduces that flexibility.
Even small changes can overwhelm the brain’s processing capacity, leading to:
- confusion,
- agitation,
- fear,
- withdrawal,
- anger,
- pacing,
sundowning,
- or delirium-like symptoms.
4. Emotional memory often outlasts factual memory. A person may not remember:
- where they are,
- who someone is,
- or why something changed,
but they do remember the emotional feeling:
- unsafe,
- abandoned,
- frightened,
- embarrassed,
- overstimulated.
That emotional distress can persist even when details are forgotten.
5. The dementia brain interprets novelty as threat. The brain naturally scans for familiarity and safety. With dementia:
- unfamiliar environments can feel dangerous,
- new caregivers may feel like strangers,
- and transitions can trigger a fight-or-flight response.
That’s why hospitalization or rehab often causes dramatic worsening.
Why acclimation sometimes never fully occurs:
Families are often told, “They’ll adjust.” Sometimes they do partially.
But in moderate or advanced dementia the ability to learn/adapt may be too impaired, especially after illness, hospitalization, anesthesia, infections, or delirium.
The person may repeatedly experience the environment as unfamiliar no matter how long they are there.
This is especially true after:
- hip fractures
- surgeries/anesthesia
- UTIs
- pneumonia
- seizures
- repeated hospitalizations
- C. diff
- long rehab stays
- delirium episodes
Each event can reduce baseline cognitive reserve further.
One important nuance is that sometimes people with dementia appear “stubborn” or “noncompliant” after changes. But often the deeper reality is:
- they are neurologically overwhelmed,
- frightened,
- unable to process,
- or unable to store new environmental information reliably.
Their world becomes smaller because familiarity becomes essential for stability.
That’s why consistent caregivers, routines, voices, lighting, objects, and schedules can become profoundly important in dementia care.
(Information aggregated by ChatGPT5.3)
Where do you want to spend the rest of the time you have with her?
If you have to place her in Memory Care or Long Terms Care where do you want that to happen?
If you want to spend the rest of the time you have where you currently are, if you have to place her you will do so where you currently are then do not take her away from where she is now.
If you want to go back home to friends and family, then go.
What I can tell you is this...
She WILL probably decline when you move her.
ANY change may cause a decline.
There is no telling if the decline will be just a set back and she will return to her baseline or if that will be her new "baseline"
I can also tell you that moving back and forth will not be good for her and it most assuredly not be easy for you. There is a lot that goes into traveling with a person with dementia.
My GFs parents had to make a decision when her Dad contracted ALZ. Florida permanently or go back to their home in NJ permanently. Her Mom chose NJ where family, Church and friends were. You really can't take them back and forth, it will cause confusion. Eventually incontinence sets in and they can't travel anymore.
To learn more about the different aspects of dementia go to the top of this page and click on RESOURCES.... now click on Caregiving Topics... now click on the letter "D"..... in that section you will find excellent articles regarding dementia, etc.
My friends parents are snowbirds. Her father had Parkinsons related dementia. It is true that every time they would travel the adjusting became more difficult and there were significant declines. They have decided to live full time in Florida since it is more senior friendly and more eyes on everyone than coming back to rural upstate NY.
I suggest you get a copy of the book Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller (available on Amazon) and read it. Once you understand how dementia works, you'll be better equipped to manage your wife and her needs.
Good luck to you.
My husband has dementia, and my parents did too. During the course of caring for all of them, I've met many people whose loved ones have dementia. Takeaway: We all want them to be like they used to be. If we did this, or if we did that, if we only found the right combination, our loved ones might regain at least some of their cognition. Seeing Aunt Millie might spark memories in our loved one, remind her of cousin Oliver, and loved one will smile and be happy again. We cling to the hope of maybe one more day of normalcy. Maybe a spark in loved one's eye when we pass the restaurant where we met her. A gaze of wonder when she sees her old home. Anything.
It does not happen. Dementia is relentless in its progression. Loved ones do not get back the abilities they once had. False hope is the worst kind of hope, and is in fact no hope at all.
Lifelong friends won't have the same meaning for your wife. Be prepared for them to fall away as she gets sicker. They don't want to be reminded that they could develop the same condition. They may feel awkward around her, and their previous shared activities will no longer be possible.
Dementia has stolen your wife and your life, and I'm so sorry. I'm in the same situation with my sweet husband, and I empathize.
OP you can make the decision you want to make but that won’t change the risk you are taking. Maybe you’ll get lucky?