Hello everyone. My mother has always been very difficult to deal with as long as I can remember. She isolated herself from most of her family, she would have panic attacks so she eventually stopped driving out of town, and most recently, she had a Cerebellar Stroke several years ago, but is still able to live on her own, she does not drive, wash clothes (because washer and dryer are in the basement) or cook much. She has left side weakness. Most recently, she went into the hospital for dizziness and they discharged her to assisted living for two weeks because she did not want to come home. The first week of her being there was a nightmare. She called me the first night twice, because the nurse wouldn't bring her tylenol and she was hurting. The nurse told her that it would be a little bit as they had to wait for the medicine to come from the pharmacy. Then she called me back about an hour later and said that she was scared to take the tylenol because the nurse had looked at her so hateful when she gave it to her. She insisted that I bring her a tv, because the one in her room was not working right, I did and she told me that she was not staying past Monday. Last night after I got home, she called and said that the nurses lied to her in saying that the doctor was coming to visit her that evening and we all know that this is assisted living, there would be no doctor available to see her at night. Everything has been wrong since she has been in there, the food, the staff, etc. but she made the decision to go there instead of going home, as I am not her POA. I am not able to figure out if she is doing these things to try to disrupt my life horribly or if she is really this crazy. She always has been very hard to deal with, but the ridiculousness is at an all time high, even for her. I am afraid of what I will have to deal with when she comes home and am trying to gather information from home health agencies, to try to ease the burden, as I have three children and I am trying to raise them. I tell her all the time, mom I can't deal with you if you are going to be like this constantly and she says I know, but tomorrow she starts all over again and says that she can't help it. My husband is also about to lose his marbles, because she is causing such a huge disruption and he sees how upset she makes me. Has anyone out there dealt with this kind of thing from their mother often?
I wish you great good luck. You have insight, but you are not acting on it. You understand on a deep level that this is your Mom, that this has ALWAYS been your Mom, and that your Mom will not be changing. You recognize the damage she is doing to you and all you love. But you are unable to take those further steps for yourself.
Seek help.
I think the first decision is whether or not you would ever want to be her PoA (assuming she'd go through with it legally). If you do, the demands and time investment will get more frequent and challenging. You said you have a spouse and 3 kids. If I were you, being her PoA would be a hard no. Your family has priority, even if Betty White was your mother. You should have one last discussion with your mom regarding this topic. She needs to know that only the PoA can manage her care and finances. You are not in a position to take on this amount of extra work. Therefore ________ (fill in the blank with a helpful suggestion for what her other options are, like assigning another sibling or hiring an attorney, etc). Then she needs to know that if she never assigns a PoA then the likelihood that she eventually becomes a ward of the county is very likely BUT they will make sure she is housed, protected and all her needs are met. My stepFIL was a ward of the county because he was an untrusting d-bag and I told him his options and he didn't believe me. He had Parkinsons and eventually the county got guardianship and it didn't take very long (thankfully).
I'm so sorry you're in this stressful juncture. Please remember that your mom had her entire life to plan for her future. Also, you are not responsible for her happiness. Plus, her drama-filled emergencies are not your urgencies. Finally, the caregiving arrangement only works if it is reasonable for both parties. With a boundary-breaking mother and you with a husband and young family, I think your decision is easy, but certainly not simple. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart as you work through this.