My narcissistic mother is killing me. Does anyone else feel this way?
My soul was put behind bars about 50 years ago by my narcissist mother and massively enabling father. My siblings escaped and I was the weak one who stayed behind as I was indoctrinated into the duty of loyally taking care of "mommy and daddy's" happiness and needs. They had good health, money, travel, etc., so what needs did I have to take care of? Whatever it took to alleviate the "pain and suffering" of having such "horrible children" who left them. As much as I could possibly do in any given day to "make your mother happy" was the mantra my father taught me. It was my unspoken job to make up for the terrible pain inflicted on Mommy by my siblings, who I was taught to hate. Anyone that has/had a narcissist mother knows your own needs, emotions and opinions had better meet your mother's approval or there was h*ll to pay. So, of course, all of mine were buried deep inside. A life of enmeshment had me living as a slave. Forget about my desires for a life of my own. I was told girls only go to college for an Mrs. title. I should get married and stay home as it was my husband's duty to take care of me and provide a lifestyle. I was so brainwashed, I wouldn't even buy a piece of furniture or clothing unless my mother approved. Sick, sick, sick.
I'll fast forward through all the pain and suffering and personal loss of dreams, loss of self. Now I'm 61. My father, who literally worshipped and adored my narcissist mother, and could never do enough for her or build a pedestal high enough for her, passed away 3 years ago. Thank you Dad, for your contribution. I'm the only one my mother has. I moved her into my house as she doesn't know how to do a d*mn thing for herself as it was her job throughout her marriage to look pretty and travel the world.She was diagnosed with mild dementia about 8 months ago. All the worshiping and adoration she got from my father was the supply a narcissist needs to survive. Without it now, she's an even worse bit*h from he//. Though I continue to meet every need, even those I anticipate, she spends her days crying then veering and dragging me to the pits of he//. The past 3 days I went through a gallon of ice cream. I'm numb at this point, I have dysthymia and depression, both. I don't have the energy to find an alternative living arrangement and she doesn't qualify for assistance as her income is above the limit, yet below affording anything else. Besides, she would probably put me in a grave if I told her I needed to find a place for her. Though she complains how much she hates living here (she would hate living anywhere as my father's supply is gone) she would push every single button she installed in me and put me over the edge. I do some part-time work on the computer in my bedroom where I spend all my time except for errands and taking her to appointments. Many of you, with care, will tell me what I need to do. I have no energy. I can't even get out of my food stained pajamas till noon. She's killing me.
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This is beyond sick and twisted. Can you get yourself some help? Start with a good psychiatrist and maybe some meds and then find a compassionate therapist (mine is worth every dime I pay her!!!)
Did you get married? You don't mention it. I am also 61 and very aware of the culture we grew up in. Girls don't need education, let's pay for the boys and the girls will just grow up and be some man's wife! (Grrrr)
You need a complete overhaul of your soul. You know this dynamic isn't working. It's not healthy for you or mom. OK, yes, our mothers gave us life. And then are we supposed to give them OUR lives? No!! Respect, yes, even if they were monsters. But we don't turn out lives inside out for them.
Any chance mom can go to an ALF? Even if she's spitting and kicking? Can you get the other "horrible children" on board?
Whatever---take care of YOU first. Get strong, get tough. I am working on me now and it's very hard, and some of my family don't like the person who is emerging and I do not care.
Try taking her to a sibs house for 2 weeks. Just pack her up and drop her off. Better yet, use a cab or Uber. Let the sib know she's coming, that you're sick and she needs a different place to live. Get some help going for you. And KNOW THIS: You are NOT alone. The narcissistic mother thread is probably one of the MOST posted problems. I am praying for you---really and truly. I care!!!!!! And I bet you get 50 answers better than mine about what you can do.
I don't think this situation is going to be a good thing for either you or your mom. If you get your mom moved out now, you will be in a good place. The longer you wait, the harder it becomes to justify changing. People get stuck and it takes a breaking point (eg a health crisis) to compel them to change the situation; the problem is that by then their options might be limited.
Assisted living in our part of Michigan is about $2200-3000/mo including meals. Your region may be different. But if your mom has less than $2000/mo income and no savings, she might be eligible for assistance. If she has more than that, then she can move out in the short term and then cross the next bridge when she gets to it. She will be ok regardless.
Are your siblings in the picture at all now? Have you been in touch with your Area Agency on Aging? There is help, there are ways out. You just have to not let the depression make your decisions for you. I have never called APS and would hesitate to recommend that without knowing what the actual repercussions of doing that are. But if you feel immense anger toward your mom that is overwhelming other feeling, or cannot think because you are so overwhelmed, then it is probably better to call them.
Maybe at some point you could build a relationship with your siblings. But I wouldn't even attempt that now. You have enough to do to get out from under this terrible and unfair burden your mother is pushing on you!
I'm puzzled. It seems to me that most of the very deeply enmeshed children (usually, not always, daughters) who have been parasitized by their parent are in deep denial about it. Which makes it all the more painful to witness.
Whereas, you are in the opposite of denial about it. You are acutely aware, and absolutely furious. What happened? And given the massive anger you are expressing so articulately, why do you still feel unable to address the major boundary issues?
Midkid58:
"This is beyond sick and twisted."
Thank you for validating my pain.
Lindylu:
Thank you for your suggestions. I will visit my local Aging Agency for any and all help I can get. As for my siblings.. one was demonized over 45 years ago so he's understandably out of the picture. My other sib is going thru a nasty divorce that's costing him a small fortune. They both live across country, both male and not interested, tho they do call my mom often which is a blessing to me to have her distracted even if it's just a phone call. Very smart of you to say no to your dad. You saved your mental stability by doing that.
Kimber166:
I gotta tell you, your response cracked me up! Sounds like you've suffered a taste of hellish living too.
Jeannegibbs:
Therapy is a great idea. It's too costly at this point and gratefully I have friends and this community for support. As a very introspective person, I understand the psychodynamics. My legacy is Stockholm Syndrome, Trauma Bonding among the myriad of dysfunctions in my head, but the 2 mentioned are responsible for a person to stay in this type of toxic relationship out of guilt and pity for the perpetrator.
Thank God I've been able to release myself enough from the grips of unjustifiable guilt that I no longer kowtow to her. I no longer stay while she's browbeating me and complaining about my husband, I have grown enough to not allow her to manipulate me with her exaggerated symptoms, not be sucked into her pity parties and I have come to the realization that spending every day trying to please her is like building a castle in quicksand.
Country mouse:
"It seems to me that most of the very deeply enmeshed children (usually, not always, daughters) who have been parasitized by their parent are in deep denial about it."
Yes, you are right. Think of Jim Jones and the mass kool-aid suicide. These narcissists are masterminds at mind-manipulation and control to the point of their victims self- destruction.
Again, thank you to to all of you kind-hearted members of this community. This place is a blessing.
I'm not moving near her so the campaign to malign me and my siblings and my father has begun full force.
I'm now meditating and limiting time I give to thoughts involving her,my goal is to get to zero time in the next month.seriously, it's ridiculous that one person can affect another this way.
Good people on this site have recommended some great books (like SpiritDancer above). If you can't find these books, there are a lot of sites on the Internet about the signs of a narc and how to cope with them. A couple of the sites nearly knocked me to the floor with their clarity. If you'd like the exact links, send me a message and I'll copy/paste them to you. Learn how to protect yourself and how to deal with it. If you can't afford counseling, seek out chaplains/pastors or public health facilities. There's likely more free service available but I can't think of any right now.
My biggest take-away (from the drop in the bucket of research I've been able to do so far) is you WILL be the bad guy to them. Accept it. Join your siblings in running for your life and in finding your peace. {big hug!}
Having her visit for even a few days is hell - she starts off sweet but then starts recommending changes to my house (she was an interior decorator and we have very different style preferences) and will start making changes. When i say no - then the tears/recriminations/martyr act all start. But i have hardened - as i have dealt with this since i was a baby.
I have a supportive hubby who has two narcissistic parents and a great son. They have helped with boundaries. You have a totally helpless mom sucking the life out of you and living with you. It will take a massive effort to get her out & i know the feeling of being too exhausted with the parent to even get out of pajamas. Perhaps you could start by continuing to use this forum - we are a good bunch. Then call area agency on aging and find three living options for your mom. Then get ready for the explosions and tell her she will have to choose one.
i have a friend who resorted to selling the house to get rid of her mother. She and her husband had this awful narcissist living with them for five years. When their last child went to college - the sold the house. Was there ever hell to pay because they refused to take mom. The vitriol was so awful and the screaming and throwing things that they Baker acted her. My friend - three years later - is in heaven. Her mom - three years later is still telling everyone how her daughter threw her out in her old age and getting the relatives all on her side. But my friend finally had enough and was able to get the strength to get away. I hope and pray for the same for you.