I am pulling my hair out with my mother who has narcissistic tendencies (big time) and Alzheimer’s. On phone calls, she plays the “gotcha” game which makes her feel like she’s “won,” makes rude comments (my fat has left me and found you) or says she’s teasing about another mean comment which I know is a form of bullying. I’ve learned that not responding to comments makes her feel like she’s “won.” Responding to comments usually ends in a fight where she hangs up on me because she doesn’t like what I’m telling her. I can’t tell when she’s having clarity or dementia. I want to go no contact for a month, but that would leave my 88-year old dad to deal with her and I hate to do that to him. I’m the child she didn’t want, did not bond with, and has pretty much bullied my entire life. I’ve been in therapy for years trying to learn how to cope with her and setting boundaries worked until she stopped taking her meds, and then I started getting all the hysterical phone calls. Have a sister who lives in another state that is the favorite child, does no wrong, and is a armchair quarterback when it comes to my mother’s care. The Alzheimer’s causes her to say exactly what’s on her mind without any type of filter. I’m having chest pain, increased heart rate and hyperventilating talking to her on the phone. Not sure how much more I can take. Any words of wisdom?? Many thanks...
One of the things I cannot stand the most about my own NM with dementia is when she makes a nasty comment & then says "I'm only kidding", which we all know is a LIE, or another of the 1,000,000,000 lies she's told over the past 63 years of my life. She's told so many lies she wouldn't recognize the truth if it hit her over the head with a hammer!
So, if the Phone Calls are giving you chest pain, increased heart rate & hyperventilating, my words of wisdom are as follows: CUT OUT THE PHONE CALLS. When my NM gets into a particularly foul mood, which is most often, and gets sniping at me over the phone, I tell her the following: "I am hanging up the phone now since you are obviously in a bad mood.. I will speak to you at another time when you are in a better mood." Since she is infrequently in a good mood, those chats are rare.
My father put up with my mother's horrible antics for 68 years. I often felt really sorry for him and tried to stick up for him, but most times, HE wound up getting irritated at ME for doing so! True story. So I was The Bad Guy for calling my NM out on HER behaviors! Moral of the story? My father made his bed with this woman so he was welcome to sleep in it. It was not MY job to step in between THEIR marriage and 'fix' it. It's not your job, either. If your father chooses to stay with this woman, he's made HIS choice which is independent of YOUR choice.
You need to make a choice now that's going to preserve YOUR sanity, YOUR health, and the hair on your head! So cut down the calls and immediately tell mother you're hanging up if/when the histrionics amp up. Look at it the way I do: I'm not doing my mother any favors by talking to her, really. I seem to irritate the living hell out of her ANYWAY, so why bother? I have my DH call at least once a week and that's helpful. She lives in Memory Care Assisted Living so I know all is well unless I get a call from them that it isn't. THEN I can worry.
Take care of YOU now and don't subject yourself to all this stress and aggravation when it's nothing more than a game to her. You'll wind up dying before SHE does, God forbid, so don't be a statistic, ok?
But you could call your Dad. Ask how he is. No doubt Dad has been married to Mom for a long time, has his own way of dealing with her.
No need to discuss every minor point with Dad. Just how are you, how are things, is Mother well?
IF Dad is struggling, work with him to find the support they need.
In a nutshell... step back (to a safe distance).
It does not all need to be done by you.
If you really must talk to her, hang up the second she says anything negative.
You need to take care of yourself and Beatty is right, not all the work needs to be done by you!! You matter too!!!
Hugs!!
Hi Mom, I noticed you called a few times today, are you and dad okay?
Mom, I was calling you back to make sure you are ok. I am busy, I will call you back in a few days. bye for now.
can you get them Meals On Wheels?
Shell, Beaty and Zippy are right, you don't need to take it. but if you feel you need to talk with them, make it on your terms. you can call them back say for instance once a day at the same time. Make it quick. Are you ok? I have to go now. Luv Ya. mom starts negative talk, quitely end the call and turn off the phone.
I do feel a bit sorry for your dad and understand the tricky predicament. However, I guess he did choose her. While you did not.
too much of that is not good.
Call your parents on YOUR TERMS. Keep it sweet and short. nothing else.
Short & Sweet.
Another fine slogan for the Aging Care tee-shirt or mug range 😂