I've been caring for my Dad who has Alzheimer's for 1 1/2 years while my Mom has been in Skilled Nursing... He finally relented and they moved to their new "apartment" in a AL/Memory Care place last week. I scrambled and had several friends help move their biggest bedroom items and over this last week have it all set up nicely, made sure they both had items they wanted in the small apartment they share and have been there daily with items my Mom keeps coming up with that she needs. After all of this, I have barely received a thank you, not even a hand written note for Christmas nor for my birthday which was on 12/27. I've been doing everything for them for all this time and my Sister and her husband who live a 2 hour drive away have only been to see them 3 days in the last year and a half came in to help move the big stuff and it was like the President came to visit. BTW I work full-time and am still the top sales person in a stressfull industry...they do side jobs when they can get them. My Mom keeps asking more and more from me and I want to help them transition but still keep what little sanity I have left!
The advice you have been given hits the nail on the head. I know we all love our parents and never envisioned these independent, well versed people in the situation that they are in now. My mom is a very independent person and was the family care giver, nurse, accountant, organizer, etc. She was my go to for everything. She is a widow now and resides in a MC unit. It took me so long to remove the guilt from myself for placing her in there, and realizing that i could not take care of her myself. I also have read in the other posts that if you don't expect much from siblings, you will not stress yourself out. Amen to that. I love my brothers but i have come to the realization that their visits to mom will be what it is ( they are not far away from facility, but choose to visit perhaps once a month, if that). My suggestions, pleads, etc., fall on deaf ears and i now know that it is what it is. My visits are at least four times a week which is fine for me. When mom lived independent, i was at her apartment daily. Do let the staff do their jobs and let mom adjust to her life. Take yours back, or you will be in a facility also. As long as you can see that she is clean, well cared for, and you have a good relationship with staff, take care of you, and you will be amazed how your emotional, physical and mental state will improve.
My doctor told me the same things most of you have said this afternoon when he prescribed high blood pressure medication which I've not had until all of this started. He has been monitoring it and this time it was so high he was adamant that I begin taking it and to stop trying to do everything. I've gained over 30 pounds throughout this journey and haven't taken care of me....my fault but today's visit really was an eye opener!
2020 will be much better and I'm going to start taking care of me!
Many years ago a doctor wanted me to take cholesterol pills. I declined and had to work out myself what caused it to be high (it wasn't previously.) Doctors were of no help, because at that time their idea was too many eggs, bacon, meats, etc and that wasn't me! Two things I did - change diet (it was primarily processed foods contributing) and joined the gym they just opened where I worked. Treadmill only, didn't use the "programs", just started with a good pace on level and slowly increased speed and incline. As a bonus, 2 weeks after starting this, the weight started going down! After about 3-4 months, I lost 20#. Since then, I try to maintain a good diet, including eating mixed nuts, and my "good" cholesterol is always much higher than is suggested (higher is better!) and although the total is over 200 (recommended level) it is up a bit because the good is so high. No pills!
You never know - focusing on yourself and reducing stress and weight might lead to a healthier happier pill-free you this year!
Your parents are in assisted living for a reason. Staff are available to assist, so start letting/making them do their jobs. Time for you to do a bit of transitioning for yourself. Turn off your phone, make yourself unavailable in small doses, then extend those periods.
Only attend to matters that staff cannot, but even then do that when it suits you, not your mother. Be very conscious that seniors can and mostly do become very self centred, it is all about them and bugger everyone else. Your parents happiness is not your responsibility, that is entirely up to them, dementia or no dementia, transitioning or settled. As long as they are safe leave them to get on with their new lives so you can get on with yours. Restrict your visiting to suit you wherever possible. If it helps, visit at meal times when they have to concentrate on food instead of nagging you. If it helps, dont tell them when you will next visit so they are not pre armed with a list of demands or grievances. On arrival announce how long you will visit and why you have to leave. My favourite for me is to say I cannot drive at night. Works a treat, even at lunchtime. You might become even less appreciated than you obviously are now, but that to my mind is a small trade off for having a life of your own and reduced stress.
But, keep in mind, they might never do anymore. And, as I found out, to keep your sanity, don't ever expect anything from anyone. I don't want to sound harsh, but our daughter did not come to visit us for over 3 years, knowing her father's Alzheimer's was advancing, memory was getting worse each day and I would pay for her flight. As I went through, hurt, anger and every thought imaginable, I read something that said in order to not hurt, is never expect. I found that to be so
true. Yes our daughter did visit after 3-1/2 years, and her father did not know her. Ok, this is not about me.
It is up to you to set times you will be available to do things for them. Take time for yourself. Try to take an extra breath often! They will settle in. When my mother went into a home,they advised me to not visit for a few days so she could aculumate. It is a major change, especially at this stage in their lives.
Bless you, know what YOU do is out of love and you will also be kind to yourself.
I started dealing with my fears & slowly started getting stronger, but still with compassion. (my back history is mom being controlling & negative - high expectations of me - trying to control me - )
It was suggested to me by a friend in similar situation to NOT go over everyday -- it becomes expected... When mom went in to a seniors home, I had seen counselor enough that I was stronger & proud of how I was handling it all - even though ti was new to me (only child & dad dies years ago) I have my boundaries, I visit a couple times a week for anywhere from 1/2 hr to couple hrs & mom comes over every Sun. or other for dinner ( couple hrs.) I get her out every couple wks. for McDonalds, Drs., getting meds, bit of bumming around etc .. to get some fresh air b/c she doesn't get out unless i take her. I find she gets grumpy & bored ..I don't let her bring me down, I allow that to be HER negative energy. Getting outside freshens her mood up & lets me have some positive time with her.
I just allow her to be & don't take on the negativity anymore - counselling has been the best gift I gave to myself, my mom and everyone in my life ...
All the best to everyone here - here's to healthy boundaries !! ♥
Having been "catered" to at the SNF (well, as much as possible - they are not noted for doting on people) she may expect the same from you. However, the fact that you go there daily and respond to her requests for items will only reinforce what she is doing. Cutting back on visits and insisting she make a list, either on paper tablet or white board, and then only providing these items later when you have time and go to visit might help retain your sanity! It may not stop her asking/expecting you drop everything and do her bidding, but unless it was something that she needed for her health, there is no need to give in to her demands. Sure, we want to help our parent(s) and keep them happy, but happiness comes from within. Jumping to her demands is not going to provide that happiness but it will burn you out!
"...I have barely received a thank you, not even a hand written note for Christmas nor for my birthday which was on 12/27."
Well, we all thank you and wish a Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas and best wishes for the New Year, esp if you take the advice being given! It will help make your year better!
As for siblings and other family members, don't hold your breath that anything will change. You can't make them visit or understand, you can only make suggestion(s) a few times and then move on. The only things you can change is your attitude towards their ambivalence and feeling slighted by your parents.
As others noted, oftentimes the parents see you all the time and in some sense take you for granted. The ones they don't see often get the royal treatment - sometimes this is because they were always perceived as the "Golden" child or it might just be that they don't see them often. When I go to visit mom, typically she says 'What are you doing here?" and/or "Where'd you come from?" I don't take offense at it, and sometimes tell her I came from Pluto or Venus! A few times when YB came when I was there I heard her say the same thing to him.
Now, when OB came to visit, you would think he WAS royalty!! He isn't local, so visits were not often, even before she was moved to MC. There are/were some subtle signs that he was the "Golden" boy. Does it bother me? Nope. It is what it is. The funny (ironic) part is that when he was last here, to help with condo clean out, we visited the day he arrived and the next day I suggested he visit while I get ready to head to condo. When I suggested another visit later, he refused and said he "didn't know what to do with her." The rest of the ~2 weeks he was here, he didn't visit, except a quick one to say goodbye when he was leaving. I doubt he will ever visit again.
"My Mom keeps asking more and more from me and I want to help them transition but still keep what little sanity I have left!"
Helping them transition, as most have suggested, would mean visiting less often - they need to adjust to their new "norm" and going too often will delay that happening. The bonus from this will be to help keep your sanity! Cut back to only a few times/week or even once/week. This is NOT abandoning them or negating their needs. It may not change the situation, but it will help you. Also, don't take offense at them not thanking you or remembering your birthday - OB and I share the same day which would make it easier to remember, but clearly that's gone (I also don't need reminders that I am getting older!!!)
"Thanks everyone, I was having a rough time thinking I'm being selfish for wanting time for me again now that they are both in a safe place and together. It's good to hear that I'm not!"
You absolutely are NOT being selfish! "ME" time is an important part of retaining your identity and sanity. Knowing that you provided care for them all this time and are still there to provide some extras, see to their care and visit should provide the ATTA-BOY thanks you deserve!
I doubt you will "abandon" your parents since you moved them someplace with more help. You moved them since you couldn't do it all. Mom is used to seeing you daily and appears she wants to see you daily. Does she need you there daily? Do you want to visit them daily? It may be time to space out the visits: every couple of days or weekly? Find the balance that allows you "family time" as well as "time off" for activities you need to do and want to do. Encourage your parents to make friendships in their new community, to get involved in community activities... so you are not their sole source of friendships.
I was a caregiver of my good wife for 12 years, the last ten of which she was in a SNF....She was not demanding, yet I had to learn to stand my ground in a pleasant way when I felt her requests were occasionally unreasonable, and, on rare occasions, somewhat impatient.
First, I reckoned that her condition made it "natural" for her to behave as she did.
(paralyzed on one side, brain damage from stroke, unable to speak much, etc.)
So I vowed to not be impatient myself..She could not help it.
Second, I realized that I went to sit with her at breakfast and again at lunch every day...Being retired, I had no problem doing this...I hired ladies to sit with her her at the dinner hour daily. Enough is enough.
I could go on.
Your situation is different than mine, yet I believe the following steps should help.
Do not answer phone calls. Let the answering machine be your secretary. If mom or dad fusses about it next time you visit, tell them you will do better from now on..They will likely forget what you say. (Perhaps you could give the facility an alternate phone number to call if there is a true emergency.)
Limit your visits to what suits your needs. Reduce the frequency of your visits to your "peace-of-mind point." Again, when mom/dad fusses about wanting to see you more often, apologize and say you will do better, yet keep visiting on a frequency that suits you.
Finally, determine that you WILL NOT please mom/dad no matter what you do. Thus, you will not feel as though you must jump through hoops trying to please everyone....It is an impossibility so just rise above it and take satisfaction in all the things you are doing and have done.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Frustrating and heartbreaking.
The positive is that your parents are safe and well cared for!!
Perhaps you could have a heart to heart with your siblings and come up with a schedule for visiting.
You're amazing for all your doing!
By the way, Happy Birthday!!
It's sad, but there is nothing you can do about it.
When my father asked me to do things I was unable to do, I suggested we find alternative measures. Thankfully someone from Mom's church came to visit him faithfully - even though Pop was of a different faith. But I lived next door while my sisters both worked full-time. I accepted it, but we worked together when Pop had needs that I was unable to assist with.
At some point you are going to have to learn to say "NO" to your parents. It really is the reverse of dealing with a child or even a pet. It's not easy to say no.
I love your answers. Always spot on.
Second , don't expect thanks from your parents, it's not the same people you knew. They don't process things clearly anymore. You have to put up limits /boundries and let the caretaker staff do their jobs that you are paying them to do. You are trying to control everything and with you trying to be perfect at work also, I see a bad outcome for you. Back off and let some things go. Breathe.
The sister and brother in law sound like a piece of work. You need to have a talk with them to stop being selfish and letting you do everything (because they know the perfectionist will!). If they don't want to be part of the process fine but don't come around for the inheritance. I said these exact words to my brother and sister in law. I'm not just talking.
Take time to breathe and reevaluate all this. You are being pulled too many ways and being used. Change before you get depressed and a heart attack. Please. You are in my prayers.
Keith
I have said thanks many times but would like to state my deepest gratitude once again. Thanks to everyone who helped me see that I was lost and needed your guidance to get my life back. Hugs for all of you and I truly hope the upcoming new year brings forth happiness for all of us. Love and appreciate all of you! 💗
You took care of them, and what they need/want. Mom may not be able to think ahead to make a list or remember until she goes to get something; so make one, and take things when you go unless they're emergency item/s that can't wait. Check around their apt. when you go to see what they need. Often, they don't remember that they're running out of or out of something. Make use of stores that will pull items for you to pick up and those that deliver.
Mom is likely very tired, a lot of change for her, and needs extra help living there, too. Hopefully, there are a lot of hands on for Dad routinely ~ and Mom .. so Mom isn't thrown into caregiving at all or any housekeeping. If they're in the same apt., she could be unintentionally thrown into a caregiver role, and that would not be good.
People learn to distinguish who's trustworthy and who's not.
But it does create a challenge to balance your own needs and keep others' needs under control.
Do you see similar patterns at work? I did, and eventually learned to be proud if asked to do more than others on similar levels.
When you go to the store for yourself, try to remember what parents may be running low on, like Ensure. They will always use that along with A & D lotion, vitamins, snacks, toothpaste and brushes, etc. etc. Or call your mom to tell her you are going to store and what if anything does she need?
For my aunt, if I remember, I will pick up a case of Ensure, lotion, shampoo,
Wooo. That's quite some adjustment for her to make. For over a year she's been waited on hand and foot, and had no caregiving to do. I'm sure she's glad to be back to "normal" as a couple, but is it possible that there is more to this than she bargained for?
If you look closely at the types of support included when you compare the NH and the ALF service specifications, what are the differences? She may be finding that the attitude of staff when she asks for help is different now, less "how high" and more "can't you manage that by yourself?" That would be correct, it enables her and encourages independence; but all the same it would take some getting used to.
Rant over.
Mom & Dad, please make a list of everything you need and I will be over ONCE A WEEK at thus-and-such-a-time on thus-and-such-a-day to deliver the items.
My mother has gotten to the point where she just 'can't be bothered' to make a list of what she needs. She doesn't get around to it. Then it's a crisis! OMG I am in DESPERATE NEED of face cream!!!! I'm in DESPERATE NEED of body lotion!!
If only they made face cream & body lotion in VATS I'd be all set. Sigh.
Anyway, that's the way to deal with crisis du jour your parents will invent. At YOUR convenience. Otherwise, plan to camp out in the hallway or on a cot in their room where you can be available 24/7, the way they'd like it!
Best of luck! :)
It broke my heart about three years ago when my Mom no longer went nutty about my birthday. She just had deteriorated that much with the Disease; it wasn’t anything that could be fixed or corrected. In that same year, she also lost the ability to read or write. She was an English University Professor, and then by the end that year, she was in adult diapers and completely dependent on caregivers for everything.
I visited about once a week until the end, when I spent the last few weeks of her life at her bedside.
Please pace yourself with the visits, is what I’m trying to say. They will worsen over time, and there will be urgent calls from the facility over the next few years until they pass away. They are being well taken care of, so please permit yourself a break for a while! Best wishes to you, and Happy New Year!!
Mom, you didn't mention why she was in NH? But you should set boundries now. They are safe and have people to care for them. Let those people do their job. Ur parents are paying for it. I never toileted Mom once she was in the AL. I told the aide when she needed changing. Mom was paying 5k a month and half of that was her care. They need to rely on the staff. If there is an emergency, the staff will notify you. Don't allow calls from Mom when ur working. Tell her personal calls are not allowed. If you are close enough to run an errand after work, you can call her to see if there is something they need. If not, as suggested, give Mom a white board to write down what she needs. If not an emergency, tell her u will pick them up ur next visit.
At my Moms AL they handled ALL medication this included OTC drugs. The Nurse had to have a doctor's order to give Tylenol. Mom had laundry and cleaning services. Take advantage of what they offer.
Encourage them to be as social as possible. Sit down in front of Mom and look her in the eyes. Tell her u can't be their everything. That she needs to rely on the staff to help. That you work a fulltime stressful job. There will be times you just need to come home and veg out. You also have other responsibilities. So, you can't be there all the time. Maybe u can set up a time at night to call them. Maybe u can only see them a couple of times a week. Yes, they are important to you but Mom needs to understand you have a working life. Tell her to call your sister if she feels the need to talk to someone. If sister complains, explain to her what u explain to Mom. I must work. Because of that, I only have so many hours in the day. I cannot be at Moms beck and call. And when sister visits, you stay home. Use that time for yourself.