Need advice, I am drowning.
Hello, does anyone have advice for me on my current situation? Here’s the story…
My mom’s mobility and health has declined as she is 80, also my dad was diagnose with ischemic dementia, several mini strokes over the years. And he also has constant reoccurring urinary react infections because he got prostate shrunk but still retains 300ml of urine in his bladder. He can still drive very well and he still knows a lot and is with it a lot of the time, but he has intermittent bouts of confusion and bouts of talking jibberish at times. We’ve been begging them to go to assisted living or live with us, or closer to us. We live 45 mins away. Now, mom fell again in their dangerous house, and dads back in hospital because I thought he had a stroke the other day. He’s getting EEG now as we speak. Moms also in hospital due to her fall but thankfully to God, no broken or fractured hips, but she can’t walk because her back is sore.
We had ADULT PROTECTIVE services at their house yesterday just to convince mom to go to hospital.
I am feeling so guilty for calling APS because they may require mom and dad to get out of their house permanetely. I am having chest pains due to the constant stress over them as I now have no life as it it consumed with their issues. I love them dearly.
Now, come to find out assisted living won’t take them as a couple because moms issues are worse than Dads, but after almost 60 years of marriage, I cannot have them split up. They refuse to live with us or move closer. What do I do? I have exhausted all ideas. 😔☹️
Your parents now require full-time care and should be placed accordingly. And instead of feeling guilty that you called APS, be thankful that now there are others involved to help you get both parents placed in the appropriate facility. APS should be able to help you find a facility that will allow both parents even if it's on separate wings of the same facility if one requires more care than the other, where they can go visit each other daily if they want.
This is NOT a bad thing but a blessing and you should embrace it and the fact that once they're placed they will be safe, fed, and taken care of 24/7 so you can get back to just being their loving child and not their "drowning" child.
This is the "crisis" that you needed to get them into care, so don't blow it. Unsafe discharge. You want to have them live longer? Well, the best chance for that is to get them placed asap. Dad has to be stopped from driving! He was at one point driving to the Legion to have drinks? So now he is demented and drunk and driving. Or just tipsy and demented. These are not good things for a driver to have. He's going to kill someone on the road. Tell the hospital this information. He is driving while incapacitated. Mom is sitting in urine for hours because she either doesn't know what is happening or doesn't care, both of which speak to an issue with her brain. If she were in her right mind, she would not want to sit in urine. Also it will break her skin down and cause pressure sores which can kill her.
Look into what can be done with the cats. Some places will allow animals. If not, please see about getting them adopted into good homes. There are places that will help you with this in some areas. Rescue groups can point you in the right direction.
If the house is hoarded and mom is having accidents all the time, the house isn't going to be great to live in anyway. It doesn't sound healthy. This is your chance to help them get to where they need to be for their own safety.
There's a place near me where one spouse can be in memory care, the other is in assisted living, and they see each other throughout the day. Your parents need a plan such as one of these places offers. Since dad is now talking jibberish and is confused, he's ready for memory care. Mom will be on the premises. Sell their house to pay for it.
NOW - YOUR FATHER CAN NO LONGER DRIVE!! HE HAS DEMENTIA! Being "with it" some of the time is joke. What if he's approaching an intersection during a moment when he isn't "with it?" You think you're consumed with their issues now, wait until dad is brought up on charges of vehicular homicide because he wasn't "with it" enough to know what the red light means? He was just "a little confused" and not talking much gibberish - you know, maybe a little but that's okay with you and he kills a family of four? This sort of thing happens all the time because families don't want to take daddy's car away because he's sort of "with it" and still can drive in his neighborhood (but you didn't see the time he sideswiped the stop sign and ran up onto a neighbor's yard where their five year old was playing).
I know you're stressed, but guilt is inappropriate. Let me tell you what real guilt is - it's when dad kills someone and you're watching the funeral procession and four coffins come out of the church headed for the cemetery. Mommy, Daddy, and two small white ones for the children. Together in eternity because your dad only had a little dementia and was just a bit confused and didn't talk much gibberish, and he was "with it" most of the time except, of course, that day he drove his car head-on into theirs.
You certainly have a lot on your plate, but it's time to switch gears and accept what is really happening. I wish you and your parents the best.
Break down the plethora of problems into pieces. Don't try to look at the whole picture, it is very overwhelming. Believe me I know. Get your father's issues settled and then worry about your mother. For the time being until you can figure mom's situation out, get some help in for her and make sure she has a fall alert.
In my case with my 90+ y/o parents, my father went into the nursing home first. My mother, like yours had limited mobility and declining health and was living home alone. Nine months later my mother had a bout of Covid that landed her in the hospital and again we said unsafe discharge. I had .already been in contact with my father's nursing home previously to try to get my mother admitted there but they said she wasn't ready. After she was hospitalized, they finally agreed to place her there even though it was premature, but admitted her because they felt it was humane that my parents spend their last days together. Out of all the misery we had dealing with their various crises, the nursing home doing that was the only good thing that happened for us. This is unbelievably hard.
There are very few crises in life that are worse than this. Good luck navigating this time in your life.
This finally IS the time to get them out of their unsafe house and into a place where they can each get the care they need and you will be able to finally not have to deal with all their issues alone. You and your husband deserve to have a break from this stress and finally be able to have some time to breathe and regroup and reclaim some time for your own lives.
Their issues are serious enough now that you CANNOT manage it all yourself. Do not even consider bringing them to your home. If they need to be split up, that is a reality that you can't control. Talk to the staff where they are about a possible placement where they can be near each other in a community with different levels of care so they can be near each other.
You've done all you can, way beyond what your parents should reasonably have expected you to, so don't feel guilty about anything, however the situation evolves from here. Keep us posted on how you're doing. I really hope you can find peace in your heart, and get some rest.
So, I would echo what others here have said. Let the hospital case managers know that they are NOT safe discharges. Try to find a community that has more than one type of care, where their individual needs will be attended to but they can still see each other. Let me tell you, as hard as this may be right now, it will be even more gut wrenching to have to look at doing that if they have been in your home, or nearer to you (I am living it).And you may find that after they adjust, they are happier not having the stress that they almost certainly must feel trying to make things work at home? Blessings to you. Please let us know how things work out.
(And no matter what, do NOT let dad drive anymore. My grandmother was the same way. I remember vividly when I was a kid, her stopping cold in the middle of a busy intersection. She was paralyzed with indecision and fear as suddenly she was confused and didn’t know where she was, or which way she should go. I’m 64 now and that happened when I was a kid. It left an impression—even though thankfully there was no accident.)