My Mother came to live with us in 2019 after my Father passed away. The 1st 3 months she was active, Got dressed everyday, Helped with cooking, household, Etc.
My husband and I work 40 plus hours a week and our 3 sons are independent adults.
After 3 months it went downhill. She stopped caring for herself completely. Stopped getting dressed, stopped going out with me on my days off (She doesn't drive - Never did), Stays in bed all day and has become very nasty.
Prior to moving in with me she had a massive heart attack in 2016. Her heart is now perfectly fine after the stent per her cardiologist.
Almost everyday that she has been with me she's "sick" - It goes from a stomach ache to arthritis to a cold, etc.
She also has stopped eating, Eats once a day and she showers every 5-6 days, and just lays in bed. She doesn't even associate with us and has cut any friends she had off.
If I say anything to her about she gets extremely defensive and dismisses anything that I say.
She has stated to just let her die in peace - Stated that more than once and has also said she just wants to die. It's bad enough that she says it to me but also says it in front of my kids.
She also lies constantly to me and refuses to help herself.
I made her tell her Dr that she doesn't eat, lays in bed all day, etc as I am so scared that people are going to think it's elder abuse, I just don't know what to do anymore.
Any advice or assistance would be greatly appreciated
My mother quit all the same things.
She lives in Memory Care, and has been there about a year now.
If a brain diseased person begins going through the dying process, make them comfortable, and content as you can. Love on them and let them go to in peace, keep them from harm but let them go..... I see so many people give the LO such good care and medical intervention that they suffer for years or decades with confusion, fear, Anxiety and they still will die.
God bless you and all of you for trying so gallantly to save and preserve these folks from death. But are you acting in their best interest or yours. Just something to think about. Praying for all of us who have to make these hard hard hard decisions each day.
Your answer is very popular with me and I agree with it.
Jennygirl76's mother may not have dementia.
She could be suffering from clinical depression and unlike dementia there are medications and therapy that can treat it and keep it under control.
She may have clinical depression and unlike dementia it can be helped and treated.
She has to be admitted to the hospital for a psychiatric assessment. They will be able to determine and diagnose there.
I'm sure she will refuse to go. That will happen. You have to be strong and force it. The next time she starts up about wanting to die or is saying it to the kids, call an ambulance. Tell the dispatch that she's suicidal and they need to come get her. They'll take her to the hospital and they will keep her up to 72 hours for assessment. This is a start. It will be hard to do this, but it's what is best for your mom.
I'd get her a thorough medical check-up including the basic cognitive assessment. If she is otherwise healthy, your mom might be better off in an elder community such as assisted living where she would be exposed to others her age. She would have access to activities and a staff 24/7/365(6) to keep an eye on her and try and get her moving.
If you want to keep her at home, hire on mom's dime in home care for companionship primarily, but also to assist or encourage her to bathe more often and make her snacks or small meals. I really believe your mom needs companionship while you and your husband are away at work.
I wish you, your mom and husband the best and hope your mom get the help she needs.
Get her nails done… some pampering.
Is she close with friends… send them out for lunch.
If true depression will need a low dose med.
The change in behavior makes me think UTI. Can be a drastic change in behavior with UTI’s.
If it is that a couple of days into meds you should see a positive change.
even when depressed it is recommended that you somehow get the person into a shower to bathe and was hair. Set out clean, comfy clothes, new slippers…
It is also
possible the doctors have missed something and she does feel like she is passing, turning away from
people and friends, declining appetite…are signs also.
Lots to consider.. shower/hair, clean clothes, trip to her doctor to check for UTI, low vitamins, blood work…then move on from there.
It’s possible
- Covid cast a dismal isolating depressing cloud on top of her loss
- conversation with you and hubby is not easy or controversial and there’s no one else to bounce around thoughts and feelings
- she’s not getting over her husbands death & watching you all move forward hurts
- she’s isolated
- she’s lonely (Robin Williams said you can be lonely in a room filled with people)
- she feels like a third wheel
- she’s exhausted listening to your frustration and telling her what to do (hence the lying)
- she wishes she was back in her house with her rules and style of living instead of yours.
Now suppose it isn’t one thing, it’s a combination of things. Wouldn’t you be depressed?
In her shoes, I’d want someone neutral to help me create my vision of life moving forward. And depending on my age, that vision might include dying.
What “people” think is none of their business. You and your family deserve her company at it’s best. Give it a shot. “Depression” doesn’t treat itself. She needs help, and f she’s refusing, she needs help even more.
hug!!
the situations i personally know, are dementia. they are not depressed, enjoy life, look forward to things.
does your mother have memory problems? (typical dementia). not eating/shower (typical dementia — can also be depression. some people want to die, starve themselves).
hug!
courage!!
we all need purpose in life; things to look forward to. i hope your mother can get passionate about some projects. how about a new pet? cute dog?
hug!