Ok, I’ll try to make this as short and simple as possible. My dad is 83 and has bowel incontinence and my wife and I end up having to clean him up and change him all the time, which is pretty disgusting most of the time. He cannot stand or walk, but can sit-up, roll over, and do board transfers to and from his bed. My question is this: If he can operate a television remote control then why can’t he wipe his own butt and spare us of having to do it all the time? He’s been diagnosed as having some early onset dementia, but I don’t see how that is preventing him from feeding himself, operating his wheelchair, etc. please explain if I’m just not comprehending the reason as to why he would be incapable.
The way that dementia effects each person is unique. Guidelines that you read are just that, guidelines. There is no set way how the disease will progress, it is different for each person, unique set of symptom onset and the progression of them.
Why? He may be able to use a remote, but not able to change himself. Doesn't make sense to him, he is unsure of the steps to take, may not even realise changing needs to be done.
Changing was my line in the sand. My mom had chronic diarrhea as long as I can remember, back to her 40's. That was the thing I would not be able to do on a 2-3 time a day basis. When that happened she would have to go to a facility. Maybe it is time for dad so that you can once again become just the son that advocates for him. And there is nothing wrong with that. We all have our limits.
When my LO became incontinent, she didn't even realize when she was going in her pants. She was completely oblivious to it. Also, the coordination may be off on some things and not on others. My LO could not put one foot in front of the other to walk, but, she could use her feet to propel her in a wheelchair. The brain works is odd ways.
I'd accept that your dad is not capable of doing better or he would and explore alternate care for him. Changing diapers and clean up would be very difficult things to do for a parent. I know that I would not be able to do it. Bless you.
Why should he do these things if you are going to do them for him, sounds like there is some enabling going on. An enabler does for others what they can do themselves, is that you and your wife?
Have a talk with him, tell him what is on your mind, if he refuses to comply or cannot comply find a AL home for him, they are trained to handle the elderly who are in need of assistance.
As to why, a young child will call for cleaning after the age where they could handle the job. Perhaps your dad has gone there mentally?
You are fortunate to have a wife who is willing to help you. I’m afraid I would not. An accident is one thing but not as a way of life.