My fiancés dad moved in with us 4 years ago. He has Parkinson’s disease. Over the years his disease progressed, falls became more frequent, stairs became a challenge, getting out of a chair/bed became a challenge, dressing was done at a snails speed, and basic grooming was not being attended to, etc. Also during this time I did the heavy lift with his care giving while also working full time. I kid you not, there was one time that my fiancés dad actually had to yell at him to get his ass in here and to help him because I couldn’t do it. Anyway, I pushed and pushed to move him into assisted living. It finally happened a little over a week ago. I was looking forward to less stress, having privacy in my own home and rebuilding my relationship. 5 days after moving him he ended up in the ER. Scans showed that he likely has cancer. While this is incredibly sad the first question my fiancé asked me is if they say he has 6 months to a year to live can he move back in? I said it would depend on what his care plan looked like. My fiancé flipped saying I am not family oriented, heartless, cold, etc. and that this a dealbreaker and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. What he fails to see is that I can’t do this again, I can’t take it all back on with added complications this time. I can’t blindly agree to something without a well thought out care plan that does NOT involve me and also that the home is safe for him. Am I wrong? Should I just let him walk away? I am honestly starting to feel like unless I just cater to his wishes then I am useless to him and that he will always put his family above me.
Gena / Touch Matters
you’re not qualified and it can actually put him
back
its a shame you didn’t point out that he’s the actual relative and doesn’t pull his weight and you’re not Cinderella
are you sure your partner is the right person if you took ill to look after you ?
I really think you need to reinforce to him or get someone else to to advise his medical needs - need care staff around all the time and you are not putting father in law in a vulnerable position
my mother died of cancer
she was in hospital so had care around her all the time
we took turns on cover so she was never alone
that’s what your partner needs to do
attend and cover for his slot and questions asked why not
I hope you don’t go down the road of bringing him
back to the house because it’s more stress and leaving yourself very vulnerable
I guess my place isn’t to say this but I really think you shd look at your relationship and d sure you’re not just being used
I concerned if you got I’ll in the future could you rely on him to care for you
as we get older it really is important to have a support network
try and make sure you establish one and don’t be bullied into any guilt trips
its his father and he is dodging any responsibility
You need to move on. Your partner's had the luxury of free care for his dad for years, at the expense of your peace of mind.
He sounds selfish and manipulative--two character flaws that will still be there once his father has passed on.
Save yourself the delayed trauma of being used for the next 6 months,
He will cut you free once his dad's dead because he's already told you that he doesn't want you. The person that can give you that ultimatum is the person that's not attached to you enough to ride out any marital and child raising challenges, and has a foot out the door already.
Listen to what he's saying.
Get your life back.
And, expects you to do all the work, as an unpaid caregiver to his family.
This will be your life unless you change it and refuse. You are absolutely right that you should not and can not take this on without a well thought out care plan.
You are not qualified. period.
I'm sorry, it may be easy for me to say, but I think it's time you call your fiance's bluff. You may feel emotionally attached, and probably at this point, you are somewhat financially attached to this demanding fiance. But, I think it's time you leave and let him take care of his father on his own. If you are truly important to him, he will ask you back into his life. But you are more important than serving as a slave caregiver for a man who is taking you for granted.
BTW: just wondering - are you really engaged to be married? Have a wedding date planned? Or is this just a live-in relationship with a boyfriend who is using you as long as it suits him?
Do you have family or a friend you can stay with? Or are you financially independent enough to rent your own apartment? Yes, you should just let him walk away!
Show him the door.
this man. He is a real loser. Caring for your boyfriend's father and risking your health while he sits by and does nothing. A lot of us would like a free caregiver but this is very costly for you.
WOMEN ARE NOT SUPERWOMEN! It's his dad and he should be doing the taking care of his own father that includes handling all logistics and personal care and hiring home care aides to help out and paying for the services himself.
No, please bow out gracefully on this one. Your man child's father will be safe in a facility where there are round the clock nurses and doctors available to see to his needs. It comes a time where a person will need 24/7 care and being at home is not feasible for all involved.
His son sounds like a lazy and manipulative piece of work. Do not marry this man! Don't give in to his tantrums and manipulative tactics. People like this don't stop. Trust and believe, when his father passes, he will find something else to whine about.
You're not your fiancee's first priority. And I sort of don't blame him since you're not technically married and this is a very emotional situation for him. But he doesn't seem to be good at navigating difficult emotional issues or problem solve wisely and equitably.
I'm currently housing a family friend (33 yrs old, 6'2") who has a terminal brain tumor. When we agreed to house him, he was already compromised on his left side so he can't cook, drive, do lots of things. Now he has chemo-brain, or some cognitive decline so we have to prompt him or guess what he needs. It is way more work than I even imagined. We're not doing his hospice. All this to say you can not imagine how much more work it will be, and what it will do to your life and relationship. No amount of money would be enough, either, even if he paid you a wage and benefits equal to what you're now getting. Since you live there you'd be on call 24/7 and then feel guilty when you want to run away, like now -- you have to ask a forum of total strangers a very obvious question because of your guilt and conscience -- which your fiancee doesn't seem to have.
His Dad should qualify for LTC in a good facility that accepts Medicaid and offers hospice services. He needs to research this as the solution. His Dad needs to get his legal ducks in a row before he can't. Even if your fiancee and his Dad do go this route, I would end it with this guy. You've invested many years just so that you can be treated like dirt when the rubber meets the road -- which is much of life as an adult.
Move out and move on. Nothing good will come from staying there.
Your fiance has been showing you for the last 4 years who he truly is. It's time you believe him, and quit living in denial.
You deserve SO much better!
You are correct. He's been using you as a free caregiver for his dad and happily letting you do most of the work. This is not a partnership. You are being used. The best way to identify a "user" is that they will employ the FOG tactic when you try to stand up for yourself. FOG stands for Fear - Obligation - Guilt.
"My fiancé flipped saying I am not family oriented, heartless, cold, etc. and that this a dealbreaker and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore." - that's a textbook example of the FOG tactic in action.
You should absolutely let this person walk away.
My concern is that people like this usually do not walk away of their own accord, but instead will create more problems of their own making to keep you entangled in their lives.
You are correct that he has put his family above you. Wow. He doesn't sleep with his Dad, does he? I'd ask him to leave anyway after he flipped out on you about debating his Dad coming back. Get him OUT while you can and are still young to have a great life.
No way in hell would I allow his Dad back in again, not after 4 years of being an Unpaid Caregiver Slave. You need to focus on your career and future, not caregiving an old man that is not even your own Father.
You will always be second place, and just had it proven to you beyond any doubt.
Dad has a new place with 24/7 professional assistance. Why would his user son want him to give that up? He never helped him the last 4 years, did he?
Consider his departure from your life a gift. See a family law attorney immediately, without telling your fiance, to get advice on how to proceed with the financial aspect of your breakup, and to protect yourself from your user of a fiance from absconding with any of your money and assets in the meantime.