No one can prepare us to look after our aging families, that’s if we are lucky enough to have them. My dad had Parkinson’s for 10 years before he died and then my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She’s still living independently, still driving to 3 local destinations and just about managing with daily tasks although I support her and remind her of the things she should be doing, I encourage her to shop for proper foods, shower, change her bed etc. all things I think she would have stopped by now. I introduced a pill monitor as she was taking too many painkillers, sort all her bills out and payments so she has nothing to worry about. I’ve introduced Better Together a companionship service and the lady is lovely and takes her out every week. She has a cleaner who is also good company every other week and has her hair done every Friday. Most Sundays she goes out for lunch with me or my brother. This is the only thing my brother will do. He leaves everything to me.
She’s still on her own quite a lot as we all work full time but I don’t think she does too badly.
I’ve always been very close to both parents, we’ve holidayed together, they’ve helped with my children and we’ve always done Xmas together. If she ever needed anything we would sort it. All works well.
And then you get Alzheimer’s.
And now although I know she appreciates everything I do in that moment and she says she couldn’t live without me, she now has moments where if she feels she’s not getting what she wants it turns quite nasty. But not to me directly. She tells other people. It’s breaking my heart and also making me so angry I’m struggling to cope. It feels like mental torture.
We’ve recently had a 2 week holiday, I left everything in order, booked lunches out and ensured she was busy. On the evening we flew she called me to tell me to cancel everything that she didn’t feel like doing anything. Basically she was sulking. But she could do nothing but complain about me being away, telling everyone she didn’t agree with it and I should be home with my family.
There have been many other similar things, right down to her wanting me to collect an envelope with some Xmas money today, but I’ve not been well with flu. She’s sounded very concerned and said she missed me. She’s then called her friend saying we are ignoring her that we don’t bother with her etc., etc.
I bought her flowers on Valentine’s Day, a month later it was Mother’s Day and I bought her some biscuits and chocolate (she has a sweet tooth) and the week after was her birthday so I ordered a beautiful bouquet. A few days after Mother’s Day she put the half eaten treats on the table asked me to take them away and next time get her flowers. I was speechless. Moreover she didn’t get anything from anyone else. What I did just wasn’t good enough again.
Whilst this is going on my brother doesn’t get any heat, he can come and go and do very little and she doesn’t say anything other than he’s always there if she needs him. It’s not true and although I don’t want to hear her slate the family I’m starting to resent him and her for the way I’m being treated.
These are just a few examples without writing a book, it sounds trivial but I think it builds and layers until you can’t think straight. And of course you always look to your mom for her approval, and when you work so hard and don’t get anything but complaints it makes it so hard.
I really don’t know how to cope with it anymore. I keep saying. She’s marvelous for 86 and it’s just her age you must ignore it but it’s just hard.
Has anyone experienced anything similar?
She was very unkind to my father when he was ill, to the point she left me waiting for an ambulance with him when he fell and went to the hairdressers. I couldn’t believe it. She shouted at him when he didn’t want to go out, when he messed the bed etc. he had an awful time and feared her. I think there is a part of me that also won’t forgive her.
Any thoughts?
This is going to get worse, I am concerned with your mom driving. Please rethink that.
You never know from one day to the next , what's going to happen. My uncle was still driving at 90, had an unknown UTI, ended up going north instead of south, got into Canada, ended up on the way home on the wrong side of the through way, during the night, they found him in a ditch 3 hours later. Thank God no one else was hurt.
You never know daily what there mentality is, it can change with the drop of a hat.
This is just going to get worse. Have you educated yourself on dementia, if not go to YouTube, and soak up any information you can.
And start making plans for the future.. you can not be the solution to your moms issued. You need to take care of yourself first.
My aunt first started talking badly about my cousin who lives near her, because she caught on about her dementia. I didn't like it. She kept telling me that I was prettier and smarter than my cousin. I knew it would be a matter of time before I got on my aunt's bad side.
The more I did, like your mom, she was appreciative in that moment, but always wanted more and wanted things her way. When I couldn't be at her beck and call and gave up POA, now guess who she is talking badly about? My cousins have left me alone about helping and I am guessing it's because she's bad mouthing me and told them to leave me alone, to which I am not complaining about.
I knew I was propping her up and spoiling her and I couldn't do it anymore and I let her know, as well as my cousins.
Aunt and your mom belong in facilities. I have mentioned it to her, but she screams to no end about it and there is no calming her down.
Like your mom, she lives alone with a caregiver coming in weekly, but as she progresses, it's going to get worse. I'm glad I am out of it. Good luck to you.
Your mother is not functioning properly and You must STOP HER from driving before she kills an innocent victim! Driving with Alzheimer's and or dementia is the same as driving drunk or drugged! I guarantee you her reflexes are very slow and she'll be getting lost one day shortly too.
Please go to Alz.org and read up on AD so you will know these are all classic symptoms you describe. Pick up a copy of the book Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about dementia and how to deal with your mother and your own feelings about the changes taking place.
AD is a lose-lose situation for ALL concerned. Nobody benefits from the ugly changes that take place and watching our mother's lose their minds is a dreadful thing indeed. My condolences to you on this loss known as The Long Goodbye. A very sad situation for everyone.
We all know it. Only those with experience understand.
So welcome to the forum!
Your moms brain is now permanently broken and her getting behind the wheel of a vehicle is NO different than someone drunk or high on drugs doing so. Don't you think the people in her city deserve to be safe on the road ways, and not have to worry about a woman with a broken brain hitting them or worse yet killing them?
And would you be able to live with yourself if she were to injure or kill someone because you allowed her to continue to drive when you knew she shouldn't be?
Your mom is only going to continue to get worse and she more than likely shouldn't be living by herself anymore, even with you checking on her occasionally, and the agency woman coming in once week to take her out.
And I'm not saying that you or your brother should take her in as that is the last thing I would ever say, nor are either of you to pay for her care, as that is on her.
You now need to be talking with your mom about what assisted living facility she would like to move into, and make sure there's a memory unit attached for when she gets worse.
She can sell her home to help pay for her care and again choose what assisted living facility she would like to live in.
You are NOT responsible for your moms care and if you think you have it bad now when you only see her a few times a week, you ain't seen anything yet.
Again she will only get worse, and she needs to get her ducks in a row pertaining to her long term care, as she CANNOT expect her children to be her long term care plan, as it's not fair to you or your brother.
So my final thoughts would be to quit being in denial about your moms dementia and how good she's doing when in reality she's not, and quit enabling her or propping her up, as all that does is give her a false sense of independence. And you and I both know that your mom is far from being independent anymore.
And that my dear is the sad truth of someone with dementia, which I also think your mom has had well before your dad died from what you've described on her reactions to him and how she treated him.
Dementia sucks, this I know, but you now must do what is not only best for your mom but also what is best for you and your mental health as well.
And take the car keys away or disable her car!!!
By what you describe , Your mother is not functioning independently . You are doing alot of propping her up . What is the plan going forward ? She will need 24/7 supervision and not be living alone at some point .
Yes it is hard and it’s going to get worse .
Read other threads here under Alzheimer’s / Dementia . You will see how bad it got for many of us .
I DO NOT recommend living with your mother in her home or yours . It will physically and mentally drain you .
I think that you need now to educate yourself as thoroughly about this disease as you are able. You need a thorough grounding in all you can learn.
1. Internet is your friend. Please look up the disease your mom is now diagnosed with and research as thoroughly as you are able.
2. Go to Alz.org site and avail yourself of help there.
3. Stay on Forums such as this and read the experiences of others.
4. Get and keep POA and learn all about how to do it. You mother should likely no longer be driving. You need close contact with her doctor who can recommend social services help to get you started.
5. Watch Teepa Snow videos as often you can. Still free on youtube far as I know.
If you have specific questions, bring them to us.
The next thing that is crucial for you is to decide what to do about the future. While your mother is able I would discuss with her. Make certain POA, advance directives and all documents such as will, etc are done by an attorney.
If you do not intend to do inhome care for your mom, and I suggest, unless you wish to sacrifice your life entirely that you do not, then make that clear now. Help your mother to find ALF for herself.
I wish you the best.
This is a massive subject. You need to break it down in bite sized bits to make it a bit easier to adjust.
I am very sorry for this dire diagnosis. This is the beginning of a very tough journey you can have no idea of until you progress.
I am so sorry. You asked "Has anyone else experienced anything similar". Yup. Almost all of us answering on this forum for many years now have. But that can't help you. Only getting as much prep as you can, as realistic and educated and ready and organized and prepared can. And as HONEST with both yourself and your mom. I am very sorry. My brother, when he began his descent into Lewy's Dementia said he wished he had died first, and hoped he would die before he lost everything to it. He was lucky enough to do so, 1 1/2 years later, of sepsis. And I repeat. I believe he was very lucky in that. I am so thankful he beat, with the help of the Grim Reaper, Lewy's to his brain.
For the most part, everything ran smoothly. Living together was a joy.
So, here we land, seniors, or practically seniors, ourselves, and our parents need care. We move them in, or help take care of them at their house, and we are smacked in the face with REALITY.
And, reality looks NOTHING like The Waltons' life.
Dementia makes what's logical ILLOGICAL. We find ourselves living a very long grief while our parents turn into zombie-ish shells of themselves, saying and doing things that hurt and make no sense and frustrating us until we think that WE are the crazy ones.
Your story, or pieces of it, are CLASSIC here on the forum.
My only advice is to stick around. You'll learn a lot, nod along a lot, and at least will know that you're not alone.
Best wishes to you.