I'm leaving out a lot but my 90 year old mother is declining rapidly. I thought it was dementia but actually got a written Alz diagnosis now. Every day I see new decline. She can't sit up straight, chewing is difficult. She is chairfast, incontinent. Argumentative. Unreasonable. She lives with me.
She cannot process any one else's feelings or problems. Which I understand, essentially her brain is not working. But the stress is unmanageable. My health has declined. I've had doctor's appointments for myself, at least three per week, the last month. I've had to get outside help and she hates it.
My question for all of you is, how do I tell her no without feeling like I've hurt her feelings? Because she gets so outraged it ends up hurting my feelings! Born people-pleaser here, I even think I have a badge somewhere!
Yesterday she wanted a new computer because hers made lights flash (the sleep mode). But she doesn't use it. She can't get to it. I wanted to just remove it from her room but she's adamant she's going to use it. I explained she can't afford another. She's openly hostile to everyone in the family. I looked into homes months ago and she has no money for one. Now with the dx, I think the prices will be even higher. I'm hoping she forgets about it.
Her short term memory is non-existent, but she is trying to call old estranged family members about old feuds and digging up old problems that she somehow does remember. In turn, I'm putting out fires. It's causing so many problems. At this point, I'd gladly put her in a home to save myself. I'm running on four hours sleep most nights. I'm crying all the time.
I don't know what to do.
How do you turn down unreasonable requests? Do I just let her be mad and figure it's the disease?
Hopefully you have POA. Use her money to pay for her care in a Memory Care. She is passed Assisted Living. If no money, then apply for Medicaid. If you live with her and have been her caregiver for 2 yrs at least, you may be able to stayvin the home under the Caregiver Allowance. I went to Medicaid and sat down with a caseworker to see what my options were.
You can put a block on the phone for certain numbers she's trying to call to stir up trouble.
Dementia/Alzheimer's is VERY difficult to deal with at home and can destroy your lives, all of you. Think about placing mom in Memory Care Assisted Living if she can afford it, or applying for Medicaid for Skilled Nursing if not. No in room phone would be helpful too.
First see about getting her medicated. Ativan worked well for my mother when her dementia made her agitated.
Best of luck with a tough situation.
What happens when Mom causes your stroke or heart attack?
Who becomes her Unpaid Caregiver Slave then?
Since you now have outside help get out of the house as much as you can.
I remember one day I picked up a starbucks and sat in the car and gazed at the train tracks next to the starbucks for 2 hours. Anytime you have outside help leave the house. Take a sandwich to the park.
Agree with other poster, test for UTI. If you think she would use the vaginal hormones get a scrip for them.
Next, contact social services for your county. Your Mom may qualify for in-home services like light housekeeping, food prep, hygiene, transportation. She may even qualify for an Elder Waiver.
Or, you may be able to get qualified to at least get paid as her caregiver through a Medicaid program.
Another resource for information is your local Area Agency on Aging.
Consider watching some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. She's an expert on caregiving and gives excellent strategies for interacting with LOs with dementia. I learned a lot from her on how to engage my seniors in a way that is more productive and peaceful.