Hello, I am new here and I recently married my now husband three months ago I am 34 and he is 33. He has an elderly aunt has been recently having problems recovering from foot surgery that she recently had. We stopped by to see her and she was moving too much to the point that her incision site busted open with her foot just had surgery on a year ago and this foot was pussing and bleeding. I am a full-time special education, support teacher and my husband is a manager at his job and last night me and my husband left his aunt’s house both crying because we are struggling to try to take care of everything and my husband has not really had a true break in like months I flat out told my husband that I cannot continue to go to his aunt‘s house to help her and watch her slowly kill herself my father just had knee replacement surgery the same week that his aunt had a 2nd foot surgery to fix the foot that was having issues originally and I don’t know what else to do. I’ve told my husband that she needs more care than we can give her and I don’t know why and what I’m trying to ask, but I guess I would just need some support. I don’t want to do this, but I cannot continue to watch his aunt suffer and do this to herself. She has since fallen a few times and she has refused any in-home healthcare. Any help from anybody? My husband’s mother is an alcoholic and his stepfather is a smoker and alcoholic too, and they live out of state and the only person that’s able to help care for her when he can as my husband and myself, but I cannot continue to watch her de tear herself, and I have since stepped away or I’m planning to tell my husband that after the holidays because we’re supposed to go back on January 5 to go see her to check in with her. I did not talk to her at all yesterday at her home because I cannot continue to watch my husband, put himself out there and overstretching himself. I’m glad to be a part of this community but at the same time, I’m kind of sad because I did not see myself being a newlywed and having to be a part-time caregiver to my husband‘s aunt. We have been together for eight years and she was in better health when we first got together and now she’s having so many health problems and I feel guilty for feeling this way. My father told me today that he thinks that if my husband‘s aunt does not get help for her foot, it is probably infected then she’s probably going have her foot amputated. My husband was trying to get me to go with him to his aunt’s place on Christmas Day, but I’m trying my best to avoid the situation because I’ve already felt like I was going to be really upset with her yesterday because I can only handle so much my job is stressful as it is and I wanna also think about us possibly starting a family, but I don’t know if I can comfortably do that with his aunt refusing any sort of assistance or care. Thank you and I hope to find good advice and support here.
His aunt isn’t his responsibility, nor is she yours. Have a frank discussion with husband about how this is destroying your marriage. Then distance yourself by refusing to go to her house. If you continue to “help” him, you enable the situation to go on. Once he understands that her care is his little red wagon to pull on his own, he may decide it’s too much and tap other resources for her care.
You explain this as having suppuration now, Thus is a peripheral infection (pus in the lower extremitie.) Especially if she has diabetes, this could be non-healing and quickly move to sepsis which would shut down her organs.
Not only SHOULD you not do this.............
But you MUST not do this.
Call the ambulance today. Aunt needs to be transported in for care and will likely be admitted for IV administration of some very strong antibiotics. Delay may kill her, and I mean to state that strongly to you.
She should then go out to SNF care until she is healed.
Not only is this something you should not WANT to do or NEED to do, this is something you ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO DO. You need to tell hubby if he doesn't get aunt into the hospital then he is playing with her very life, gambling it.
She needs social workers then and temporary placement.
If this is the beginning of a marriage you need to start it standing strong. You start bowing now to unreasonable demands to plans then you are sunk on day one. You are not responsible for this woman and need not to take on responsibility.
I wish you all the best.
Call the ambulance.
Options:
- you call the police and have them do a wellness check
- you call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult
- you go there and see she is still neglecting her wound, or seems confused and you either call 911 or take her to the ER yourselves. You tell the discharge people there that she lives by herself and is an "unsafe discharge" because no one has been able to get her to help herself and that neither you nor your husband are willing to do it. Do not accept any promises of help from the hospital: this is a lie they tell to get you take her home and get her out of their facility. Been there, done that. It's not true. They will drop you and her like a hot potato.
While in the ER/hospital you ask to talk to a social worker and tell them she seems unable/unwilling to help herself and that she needs to either go back to rehab or directely into a facility. This is the appropriate care she now needs. You 2 orbiting around her will not be solution in the long-term.
She is a sovereign adult for whom neither of you seem to be PoA for. Even if your husband or another family member was PoA for this Aunt, you still cannot force her to take care of herself if she resists.
Handing her off is the most appropriate thing you can do since she is obviously having a cognitive problem she is not able to deal with. Only a legal representative will be able to make decisions on her behalf and manage her medical and financial affairs. Handing her off to the ER or APS or a facility IS a solution for her. That is where this is all going, anyway, until and unless she recovers her faculties and can make decisions in her own best interests. Right now, this isn't the case, so backing completely away will bring about her care solution sooner.
Call 911 to come pick her up.
Does your husband hold POA? Sounds to me Aunt can no longer make informed decisions for her care. If Rehab is recommende, send her. She should be evaluated for Dementia and the need for 24/7 care. If 24/7 care is needed, then tell the Social Worker it would be unsafe to send her home because their are no family members to care for her. This is the time to place her. If she can afford it in a nice Assisted Living or Memory Care if Dementia is found. If she has no money, tgen Longterm Care with Medicaid paying.
If your husband has no POA, then I would have the State take over her care. The Court will asign a State guardian. Your young, you should not be caring for a person with this many needs. You have jobs and a future. Let someone else do the caring. Its OK for your husband to admit its too much for him.
I’m not normally impressed with ‘counselors’, but I would suggest that a session or two might be really helpful for you, in working out what on earth has become of your marriage, and what you should do about it. ‘Talking it out’ with all the complexities might help more than this site. Don’t go away though. When you make some tentative decisions about options, site members may be able to provide advice that will help quite a lot.
Yours, and best wishes to survive Christmas stresses, Margaret
Once it gets going, it also gets to be expected, there is anger if it stops, and guilt about stopping. It gets entrenched – and demanded.
It is probably worth dealing with this sooner rather than later. If your new husband has “been gone most of my winter break” and you have “only spent a few hours with him during the time I’ve been off”, it would probably be a good idea to deal firmly with this before it gets to be ‘normal’. Certainly before you start planning a family of your own.