No help from my family. What do I do?

Aveeno, glad your nephew's ok; I wonder if your marriage has anything to do with this, that sis thinks that now that you're married you and your husband have the responsibility now. So is your mom's car really in the shop and they want you - I guess with mom's money or really they probably don't care, just that now it's mom's car, right? - to pay to get it fixed, giving it back to niece, right? sounds like dad's grandson with his house and heat going out; I'm supposed to replace it - mind you, dad's not there anymore so not affecting him, for which I'm thankful it didn't go out while he was still there; it went out a few years back, just barely under warranty then, thankfully, but not anymore. Maybe the car thing is what happens when you're not there to see to things; as much as grandson wanted to get rid of dad's car when he quit driving, he dared not as long as he was there since he would notice it missing and he wouldn't know how to handle it. That just sounds so good about your mom and B, though. Is he in a work program besides with your husband, which that sounds good that he's learning that skill; didn't know anybody made those by hand; wish I could find somebody around here that does that? the young autistic man that I know around here just turned 21 and aged out of school this past year; I've been wondering what they plan on having him do; not sure he could do the computers his step-dad does. That is so great that his mom is willing to help you with yours; better than your own sister, isn't she....I take it your parents weren't together? She couldn't sell your dad's farm without you, could she? so what legal action would you be talking about taking? glad you have a good life where you are, away from all that; hope you can get things worked out

Aveeno, saw your question under "Unbelievable". Reading the above, sister's threat to put mom in a home if you bring her there (to sister); added to her statement to cancel your trip (there, to sisters, mom's home/farm); has it occured to you, as mom's caregiver that sister and neice have something to hide, as POA?
How are you doing through all of this? Sounds really difficult for you, when I am just guessing, you barely have enough time for the caregiving?

debdaughter My Nephew is fine, he was pretty banged up. I guess before the wedding we did not have to many issues, its all started after the wedding, before the wedding my sister kept saying she was going to help with mom and do all this stuff but since I see non of its going to happen. She called the other day, it drives her crazy that I do not call her anymore. She had the nerve to tell me when I ask about moms care being taken back while she was at home that its not going to happen they don't have time and how dare I take a car out of my nieces household!!! She told me to tell mom its in the shop being repaired and its my issue and when I figure out what I'm going to do about it I should let her know. WOW everything is my issue (problem) What really upset me is when she said that I lie to mom all the time anyway so just lie again. I don't lie to my *mom, I do and say what I have to, to get her to doctors appointments, etc. I think there is quite a difference in a lie or dealing with an Alzheimer's patient. B and Mom truly love each other, they are so good for each other, they play like kids and watch over each other. B is the same just aged out of school, well a work program. My husband is a pilot and is gone for 2 weeks and home for 2 weeks, while he is at home he also owns a shutter shop, they make interior shutters and B helps at the shop, if he is gone B will stay with his mom, she is a sturdiest, sometime she is gone at the same time my husband is so then he stays with me. I get along well with the ex, she is a very caring mother and has made it plain to me that if I ever need help with mom that she is there for us.
Joanns and Ilovemom, Thank you for your answer and yes the family farm will be a huge issue and concern, I absolutely love the family farm we have 2 my fathers and my mothers, I am trying to find a way to buy Mom's, I was able to get my sister to agree that Dads will never be sold but I don't believe her, she can't stand it down there and I know she is just waiting to sell them. I have been waiting to talk to my husband about the whole situation before taking legal action. my sister acted so poorly to the suggestion of splitting the bills, she started making comments that I was an awful person and just trying to talk moms money, it made me feel so bad, she is fantastic at flipping things to get her way and make it sound like I'm a terrible person but I agree something needs to be done. If my parents had a clue as to how she was acting they would go nuts. They even use to say what ever K---- wants K---- has to get, she goes to extreme lengths to twist and justify in her mind and try's to justify in everyone mind that she is right about everything. Her husband is worse and my niece is fallowing right in the footsteps that they have laid down. Some of the stuff I think about, my parents went nuts, my niece has a father that loves her, they turned her against him at a young age and waited until she was 18, the step dad for no reason sat down and cried to her on how he wanted her to be his daughter so when she turned 18 and the child care payments stopped he had her sign papers to adopt her. Again who does stuff like that. I have always told my friends that there is a reason I live so far away, I have always sat back and watched all this stuff shaking my head but now I'm right in the middle of it all and its just embarrassing. The more my husband finds out about them he just shakes his head also, its so hard to believe that family can be so twisted.

Your Mom lives with you. You need to get a POA on Mom Financially and Health. You two need to start a new life together. Joint accounts on everything. Savings checking, etc. All bills need to go directly to Mom and You. Any other credit cards out there, close them. Hell, my brother doesn't have time to text me. I stopped calling him. So, TAg, Im it. It's okay. It works out. Noone see s her but me.

I have read through all the previous comments and since I responded earlier. I really really think you need that app't with an elder care attorney and Mom needs to go too. You commented that you didn't think anything could be changed due to Mom having Alzheimer's however, unless Mom has legally been declared incompetent, she can still make her own decisions and talk about what SHE wants to happen. Sounds like this co shared POA is just mostly about paying bills and handling money. BUT....what worries me, is that without a better legal plan, you are going to move right into fighting about the farm and other property the minute Mom passes. Mom sounds like she's with it enough to talk and express her wishes right now. She and an elder care attorney could talk a lot of things over and the attorney could put together a better plan, based on Mom's wishes...and including her property. Mom is considered competent, (at least here in Arizona where I live!) until two physicians declare her incompetent to handle all her own affairs. I have POA for both my parents and the eldercare attorney and am trustee for their trust. Dad has been declared incompetent and is in a memory care facility. Mom is home and getting worse. I had wanted to take out a loan on her house to use to pay for more caregiver time with her, but quickly learned that if she says NO....I cannot do it on my own. She wants to die in her home, but we're running out of money...anyhow....moving to the competency thing. In your case, you may want to have MOM change the POA to just you, if the plan seems to be that YOU will be primary care giver for the rest of her life, or at least as long as she can be home. But what about that car?? Is your sister using the car? And she wouldn't bring it to the farm? I think in that case, it would be better to have the car stored right at the farm or in a storage facility. Sister may think they have a right to the car, but they do not, unless Mom gives it to them for real. Then the title needs to be changed. And, again, I am very concerned about the family farm issue. Mom needs to be able to say what SHE wants about this farm...and an attorney needs to get that clarified, so you don't have a war over that!! Man I read all these issues on here about siblings...and I am glad that my brother died long ago, and it's all on my shoulders!! I do not believe that he would have been acting like some of these siblings if he were here....but it seems that one never knows. Money and potential inheritances seems to bring out the worse in people. But for you, being the primary caregiver person, with no help from your sister, you deserve to have some decisions made that will leave you with a chance for a secure retirement, since all the care has been on your shoulders. If things were really shared more 50/50, then it would make sense to divide inheritance 50/50. I read on here a lot, how some do all the caregiving, yet the siblings step in at the end and expect to get their share of all that is left over. It's so NOT right! That's why I said earlier, you should have a contract, and a salary and planned respite time built into it..... You said you are doing all the night coverage.....well you deserve to be compensated for that more so than sister who is really doing little to nothing except causing grief, gets compensated. So either now, or later. A lawyer could help and could ask your Mom the right questions and point out the usual ways these things are taken care of. For example, perhaps YOU should inherit the farm, and then if sis cannot get her share of inheritance in another way, you could agree that a certain number of acres would be sold and money go to her, but at least then, the farm stays in the family in the end...and no fighting about it. Another option Mom might have is to put it in writing that she wants you to be her guardian. That would mean, you also controlled all the income/finances, but still Mom has to deal with how she sees inheritance stuff.....either by writing out separately who gets what of hers....or doing it in the form of a will or a trust, with the lawyer helping. With a lawyer involved, no one will be able to say, that YOU talked Mom into anything, so it's protection for you and Mom too. And the person who wrote that if sis put mom in a nsg home or A.L. etc, would cost $5000/mo.....is telling total truth. We paid between $5600/mo and $4800/mo for my Dad while he was private pay....until he could get qualified for Medicaid in AZ. So if she's prepared to put out that money from Mom's resources, she should not be expecting you to do everything for free, and with no vacations on breaks!! Your hubby sounds wonderful, BUT it may get old for him too....and if you subscribe to the Biblical teachings on marriage, your first loyalty, once married, is to the spouse's well being.....this furthers your rights to insist on a salary, a couple long weekends with him every month and an annual vacation time to spend with him. These are just my thoughts!!

not sure if it works right but when I click on your name it goes to yours; is that what you did with mine?

so how's your great-nephew doing? but, still, wait, he was careflighted and she was back at your wedding? and he's adopted? take it they didn't offer to do anything for the 4 wheeler? your husband must be really special to have gone ahead and gone through with everything with all that; hate that so bad for him.
that is so precious between your step-son and your mom; I was actually hoping I would hear something like that - a friend of mine also has a step-grandson with special needs - he's autistic - pretty much same age; he just aged out of school, I believe, so does yours just stay home and help with your mom now? just glad the wedding's behind you; so sad the way your friend was treated but again, in a way, just seems strange she - the niece - was even there

My girlfriends are such a blessing, I have 3 in Ohio that I have know for over 40 years, they are my family, I also have 2 here in Texas that I have know for a long long time, One went through this with her mother for years until she had to put her in a home. My niece actually put her 4 year old on her lap and took off on the 4 wheeler, when she wrecked the little boy was care flighted. She had adopted him about a year ago. He had liability on the 4 wheeler, when he has time he will fix it himself, he works 2 jobs so he is very busy. B is not really to bad, he is delayed, 22 years old, he has seizures about every two weeks and unless he goes to a group home he will live with us, could not bare if he didn't live with us, he is very special and him and mom get along so well, they take care of each other. I tell B to watch Mom and Mom to watch B so they do and have fun together. Yes, my friend was just trying to comfort her, I only have one niece and one sister. I tired to look on your profile but not sure how to work it, wondering what is happening in your life, you have been so kind and nice to talk to.

oh, Aveeno, that is such a sweet story, to have finally found your love and he truly sounds like such a wonderful man and so glad you got to have your dream wedding and glad for your friends, not sure where they are but sounds like they're almost more sisters than your actual blood one but that's often, too, the way it is but I guess what I was trying to find out; he was there first so to then be willing to take on your mom as well, which I do understand it's your place, at least as I understand it but to stay, especially when you weren't even married yet truly is special and then after your family totaling his 4-wheeler as well, wow, and then even more so when he has a special needs son that lives with you as well - how much care does he need? so really not sure you've had any time alone, just that at least you didn't actually have your mom already, so from the beginning, at least you had those 3 mos. Did your husband not have insurance on the 4-wheeler? Not that this really matters now but just curious this niece who barred the door is the same one who was life-flighted? or your friend was just trying to comfort her about her sister? but that was so terrible - who knows, just glad you're being able to handle this and enjoy the time with your mom and family

Brandywine, I agree with you. I refuse to back down when it comes to my sister, she is a bully and her way of thinking is just out of line.
Sotired123, Thank you, I have learned so much from reading this forum, you guys are such an inspiration and so helpful. I just hate to involve my cousins and friends, but with all of you I feel so comfortable, I feel like we can all learn and grow stronger with each other.

Debdaughter, Yes, we had been dating for about 7 months, then he moved in for about 3 months before my mom came, Mom moved in and we were married about a year and a half later. He has been so wonderful, he has a special needs son, he lives with us. I am very fortunate he is a wonderful caring man. Yes, that is what I meant, we were married in September 2014 and every since we have had no time alone, My sister is so controlling that she even tried to tell us that she would give us 3 days to be alone that she would watch mom and then followed up with where we could go in those three days. The Wedding, get this, I have never been married and married my husband at 53 years old, I had always told my Grandma for some reason, since I was a little kid, that if I got married it would be under the holly tree on the farm. Well My husband found out and that is what we did, we live in Texas the farm is in Virginia. We had a beautiful outside wedding, My girlfriends some friends since I was 7 were in the wedding, Well of course my sister and niece showed up and had to make it all about them. My niece was told she could drive my husbands 4 wheeler but do not go out on the street (country roads) as soon as we all left of course she put her little kid on the 4 wheeler and took off, we came home to ambulances and a wreck, the kid had to be care flighted to the hospital the day before the wedding. The arrived 15 minutes before the wedding started, everyone was happy that he was OK, but why would she do this anyway, she talks about how she has responsibilities ???? my husbands 4 wheeler is toast and we are still paying on it. Then I find out that my niece stood at the door through the reception and told everyone they could not come in the house to use the restroom. Well that did not fly with my friends, they are very assertive Then one of them approached her and tried to comfort her, well she took it all wrong and actually started a fight, she told my sister a totally different story, I had no idea what was going on but found out the next day, they treated my life long friends terrible, my sister and niece acted like teenagers I was so thankful that my friends had grown up around my sister and knew what she was like. Who does stuff like this. With all the other issues with mom, I hope you can see why I have chose to stay away. She accuses me of telling everyone that she does not care about mom, well I don't, I choose to talk to all of you. Your all so wonderful and when you dealing with the same issues (Alzheimer's) well its just so much easer for you to understand than to bring your family and friends into the situation. Thank you all for listening and responding you make my life so much better.

Debdaughter, Yes, we had been dating for about 7 months, then he moved in for about 3 months before my mom came, Mom moved in and we were married about a year and a half later. He has been so wonderful, he has a special needs son, he lives with us. I am very fortunate he is a wonderful caring man. Yes, that is what I meant, we were married in September 2014 and every since we have had no time alone, My sister is so controlling that she even tried to tell us that she would give us 3 days to be alone that she would watch mom and then followed up with where we could go in those three days. The Wedding, get this, I have never been married and married my husband at 53 years old, I had always told my Grandma for some reason, since I was a little kid, that if I got married it would be under the holly tree on the farm. Well My husband found out and that is what we did, we live in Texas the farm is in Virginia. We had a beautiful outside wedding, My girlfriends some friends since I was 7 were in the wedding, Well of course my sister and niece showed up and had to make it all about them. My niece was told she could drive my husbands 4 wheeler but do not go out on the street (country roads) as soon as we all left of course she put her little kid on the 4 wheeler and took off, we came home to ambulances and a wreck, the kid had to be care flighted to the hospital the day before the wedding. The arrived 15 minutes before the wedding started, everyone was happy that he was OK, but why would she do this anyway, she talks about how she has responsibilities ???? my husbands 4 wheeler is toast and we are still paying on it. Then I find out that my niece stood at the door through the reception and told everyone they could not come in the house to use the restroom. Well that did not fly with my friends, they are very assertive Then one of them approached her and tried to comfort her, well she took it all wrong and actually started a fight, she told my sister a totally different story, I had no idea what was going on but found out the next day, they treated my life long friends terrible, my sister and niece acted like teenagers I was so thankful that my friends had grown up around my sister and knew what she was like. Who does stuff like this. With all the other issues with mom, I hope you can see why I have chose to stay away. She accuses me of telling everyone that she does not care about mom, well I don't, I choose to talk to all of you. Your all so wonderful and when you dealing with the same issues (Alzheimer's) well its just so much easer for you to understand than to bring your family and friends into the situation. Thank you all for listening and responding you make my life so much better.

I realize you wrote in this community because you needed help/support, but I wanted to thank you for sharing as we can all learn so much from each other under these trying circumstances. I can read your strength building over the passing messages and find you are an inspiration.

Aveeno, She sounds just like my sister. I have found anytime you confront or assert yourself, you are going to have problems with the person you are confronting. Do it anyway. Assertion is good.

I guess though my question was, were you two already involved before your mother got brought into the equation and sounds like you were - does sound like he is quite a kind and wonderful man - or at least I thought that's what you meant but then you said you haven't been able to be alone with him; do you just mean since you got married?

Yes, Mom came to live with us in 7/13, we were married on 9/14. haha my sister told me that I could take 2 days to go on my honey moon. This is how controlling she is. I have never had alone time to spend with my new husband and really see not chance in the future other than a long weekend. I'm so thankful that he is such a kind and wonderful man, his family is more of a family to me and Mom than my own. Very caring and kind to us both.

did you have your mother before you got married?

Well currently I have no care for my self for the rest of my life. I do work full time, no I'm not on SS. There is no agreement that we pay for everything just a co power of attorney that we have to agree 50/50 on any expenses.. Mom has the assets and is very capable of taking care of her own expenses, my sister just sees them as my expenses, Mom has a home in another state, it sits empty except for family vacations. My sisters whole contribution to mom's care is to get on line for 5 minutes a week and plug in the bills. when I ask about Mom paying some of the bills or contributing my sister went nuts and said that I was twisted and a self centered B----. She said Mom has her own house and her own bills and you need to pay yours. she even went as far as saying if your having issues paying your bills than you need to figure something out. I became so discussed and it actually hurt my feelings so I just backed away, I understand its not the wright thing to do but this is all so new to me that I just want away from them. That is another thing, mom has a family farm that is just breath taking, it means so much to her, its been in the family for over 100 years. My sister has no attachment and is just waiting to sell it. I went crazy, that is my mothers home and we have no right to sell it unless she needs the money for her care. I have managed to block that. Mom currently has a daytime care giver and I take care of her at night, I have told my sister if it gets bad that I will hire someone to take care of her day and night. If it does become medically necessary I would put mom in the best place for her care but I try to go one day at a time and for now she is doing well. No I can't go on vacation, my sister was suppose to come down and take care of her so I could have a break, at one time My sister was going to take care of her because I was single, well she told me that I would be there taking care of mom on every vacation day I had and I agreed because I felt it was fair. Now that I'm taking care of her, my sister refuses to come so I can go on vacation, she actually told me to hire someone!!! I could never leave for a week at a time and leave mom with someone, I would feel guilty. We do maybe twice a year take a 3 day weekend and go to a resort but that is so rush rush, especially being newlywed's that it seem hopeless sometimes. I begged her to come, I was so tired a few months ago and she refused, she said that she was tired and had to go to Florida to relax and that she refused to give her yearly trip to Florida up. Now that will make you go over the edge when your the sole caregiver. Although I love my mother dearly I do feel very taken advantage of she has an excuse for everything and its bazar how she will flip the conversation to make it look like she is so caring and concerned for my moms well being but other than to send me email on what to do next she never lifts a finger.

First of all, what is your own situation to care for your own self the rest of your life? Do you work? Did you work? Are you on retirement or SS already? If you have put your own life on hold to take your mom in, without any income coming in, you are jeopardizing your own financial future without a plan in place. Second of all...the others above are right...there should never have been any agreement that you pay for everything connected with Mom's care, on your own, and some other sibling controls all the money. That is just nuts!! Unless there is a contract drawn up that specifies you get a monthly check for all Mom's expenses and respite care coverage included! Mom has to pay her own way, out of her own money somehow. If she doesn't have the assets....and her own home is already sold etc, she can get qualified for Medicaid and they may a certain amount per month towards in home care. Lastly, if Mom has Alzheimers, at SOME point, it's not going to be safe for her to be home with family. It WILL require 24/7 care to keep her safe, showered, cleaned up, fed etc. YOU will NOT be able to that all by yourself. She may need placement in a Memory Care Unit....assisted living in a secured environment basically. My Dad is in a place like that. Much better than a nursing home. I agree that you need legal advice and to learn what your own rights are as a caregiver. Sounds like, to me, you are being taken advantage of here. It sounds like Mom is in YOUR home, and that there are caregivers coming to care for her.....but Mom's money should still be paying her share of food, and other costs of living in your home. AND you should have respite care. You cannot go on vacation and leave strangers coming in your home. Are caregivers 24/7? or just part of a day? YOU need payment for all hours that YOU provide the care too. This is just NUTS....

Well its been about 2 weeks since I last spoke to my family. Mom is doing well, we laugh and talk a lot since there is no stress with my family. I do sometimes feel bad that it has come to this but I have been doing a lot of thinking and this is what I see. My niece told me that she was distancing herself from her grandma because she just graduated nursing school and she knows what will happen in the future. My sister made comments that it would not bother her a bit to see my mom once a year and if I even though about bringing her there she would go straight to a nursing home. They do however want me to call them every day and report back what is going on, I receive lists weekly on what to do and how to do it. I finally realized that the sadness and anger was coming from communicating with them. I realize its my own fault that I have allowed this and of course even though we do not speak anymore I received the email this month questioning me on the charges on Mom's credit card. We had taken a trip over Memorial Day weekend, we rented a cabin in Arkansas, everyone's portion came to $250.00 for the trip, well instead of telling mom that she needed to give us $250.00 we just had her fill the truck up with gas one time, she purchased a carton of cigarettes for herself and a few grocery items, way cheaper than the $250.00. I could tell that it did not sit well with my sister, when I responded as to what the charges was I never heard back from her. this is what I'm talking about, she expects us to cover all expenses except for a few personal items that mom needs, Mom's Social Security check is direct deposit into her Trust account and he receives 2 checks a month totaling $400.00 this is barley enough to cover her Smoking and Hair appts. My sister freaks out if she uses any more than that a month, she sometimes acts like its her money but when I say anything she flips it and acts like she is concerned that Mom will not have enough to live on. What woke me up I believe is when I decided that Mom needed a lady caregiver and told my sister that I was going to change caregivers. This lady is much more qualified and I pay her by the hour, the last one wanted to be paid a flat salary so I agreed. This caregiver will be about $40.00 more per pay check If I do not have any overtime. My sister had the nerve to tell me that since she would help clean the house that I would need to pick up the extra pay, she later tried to clean it up by saying "well I did not know they were suppose to do that" That's funny in the beginning she kept hounding me that I should have hired someone that could do all these things, she was the one that pointed it all out to me but I had chose a friend that I knew I could count on. The current caregiver is a good friend that is handy capped, I trust him fully and had no idea what I was getting into at first. I do hate to replace him but its just become so overwhelming that the help cleaning the house, a lady for mom to talk to, she also has a car so she can take mom to lunch and get her out of the house. Again thanks for listening, This is very hard and sometimes feel like this group are the only people that I have to talk to, My husband if fantastic however he travels with his job and is gone for 2 weeks and home for 2 weeks, I hate to bother him while he is gone so I have turned to this community and all I can say is thank you so much for listening and responding.

My3kidsok
Yes that is exactly how i was raised that you always stand by your family. And i agree with you it is very hurtful when you see that they do not feel the same. My husbands family would never bat an eye or argue about any of this, they are truley the way i always pictured a family should be. On the other hand my family is very small and I really can't believe that we were raised by the same parents. I do have to admitt i'm not trying to be mean but by stopping the comunication i have been so much happier. I have no idea why the push my buttons so bad its always a fight with them but if you talked to anyone that knows me they would tell you i'm very laid back, if you talked to my sister and niece they would tell you i'm very rude. I believe i just can't grasp that they don't seem to care about moms well being.

Aveeno, i'm with you. Family stinks! I think you get the idea when your young that sisterhood is suppose to be a sacred bond. Family should be tight, have eachothers back. Blood is thicker than water ive always thought. But i think that was all BS! I remember being young and pricking our fingers and rubbing them together. You were then blood brothers and it couldnt be broken. I don't know where or why i got this in my head. Because my family, extended as well never kept true to "family" bonds, and i have become the same. I decided to stop making people a priority who only want to make me a option. They could all, my niece included care less what ive been going through. It's very hurtful and disgusting! I hope she gets the point and you get that lawyers advice asap. She deserves what she contributes. Doesn't sound like much

Aveeno. You've come a long way quickly with positive action that helps you. What an inspiration. It depends on what state you live in, sometimes guardianship gives you both control of decision-making for her and over her assets. Your attorney will be helpful. Also, i can't recommend the development of a family care plan enough and if your Mom is still capable of making decisions for herself then all the better because she is the one to state how her resources are utilized. I, btw, totally agree about the relief that just participating on this website brings.

I apologize i'm typing on my phone while mom is getting her hair done, I just saw all my spelling errors and realized i had not signed in under my new screen name.

Valentinepuppy, first of all I like you're screen name lol. I have been trying to read up, what are the reasons for guardianship can they try to take her from me? I did discuss this with my mother last night and she told me to please have the paperwork drawn up and she would sign it. I don't believe that i'm in danger of my sister taking her, she has told me that she can see mom once a year and be fine with that. The only thing she would do is put her in a home. I do want to thank everyone, what this has done is made me realize that I am playing into my sisters drama, my sis and niece have always thrived on drama and although they somehow manage to pull me into it without realizing I can't stand drama i'm so agenst it. With being able to talk to all of you it has actually wole me up and I have stopped all communication the last several days and i'm not stressed nearly as much. I have also put all my focus on my mom and family and i'm so thankful that i'm not falling for all the crazyness anymore. We are on a girls day out and I have decided that instead of being so wound up over there thoughts and uncaring ways that i'm just going to devote all of my attention on making sure my Mom is happy, laughing and feels secure. I understand from Moms caregiver that my sister is going crazy because she always wants me to report to ber on what is going on with mom but since she does not want to share in the responsibility of moms care i know longer feel any obligation to inform her. She has a phone and is free to call my mom at ant time

maybe I don't understand co-trustees but it would seem you should have just as much authority as she does

I relate directly to your situation. You are a co-trustee, you have enough power to develop a care plan and get it in place with an eldercare attorney. I have two brothers that are the co-trustees and live by this: "no family member will benefit from Mom's care". They will not even consider a care plan that lays out all expenses, let alone a modest amount for our (primary caregivers) effort and time. Talk to an attorney NOW as well as a geriatric care planner. And trust me, if everyone advises guardianship, don't wait too long. I did because i kept wanting to believe that they would come around and get "the new facts of life" (agreat phrase from another of your respondents). They never will bc they are out of touch with reality and behave like bullies. Take charge - use the power you do have to take care of yourself and your Mom.

I'm sorry I was away form my computer yesterday, Yes Barbgschantz and Aveeno are the same. I decided to change my user name because I typed Barbgschantz into google and this pulled up. Yes I am telling the true story. Sometimes I wonder how we came from the same parents, my mother was very strict on us growing up but if my sister tells the story she will try to make people think she was abused, witch is simply not true, we had very caring parents, grew up in the 70's with a lot of love in the family. My sister and Mother butted heads because my sister was very pushy, mouthy and a bully. She will act one way around our cousins and my friends but funny everyone can see through it all, she will even sit and cry with people and tell them how she wishes that she could take care of mom, then will tell them that she can't because she does not have a caregiver, well that is not hard she lives by Gannon nursing school, most of my friends grew up around my sister these are friends that I have had for 40 plus years and know exactly what a phony she is .they tell me about it all and laugh. She can take care of mom just as well as I can, the caring is just not there which is VERY hard for me to understand. She actually did have her for about the first 7 months that we realized, She came to my house and I took her to the doctor and he told me 24/7 care and I took that very serious, I at the time lived alone and was single so I ended up for about 3 days trying to work from home and find someone to take care of her. My sister told me to bring her to her house and she had someone so I did to only find later that it was not going to happen, she was leaving my mom at home alone all day and when I ask what happened to the caregiver she told me that she did not feel it was necessary. Well after a few weeks of arguing with her Mom somehow ended up with a huge black eye I guess she fell while my sis was at work, even then she said NO I will not hire someone, I had just got engaged and my now (Husband) was moving in. We felt that we could take care of her and hire a caregiver seeing that my sister was just going to let her sit there, I also ask my sisters husband WHY mom had no caregiver and he had the nerve to say something about the 5 year look back. Well that started a huge fight, to me they were saying that they would not get mom help until Medicare kicked in to make sure they did not get her money. I really do not understand any of this legal stuff and trying to learn. At that time it was decided that Mom would be with me for 6 months and her for 6 month but it has been 2 years now and just to get 2 weeks off is a huge fight. We did get married last September and my husband is a Caption for an airline, he had been laid off for 2 years and just now has gone back to work so things have been tight. Believe it or not being a pilot if your laid off and have to get a new job its not a lateral move you start as a co pilot at an unbelievably low salary and have to work your way back up. I believe my sister thinks we should have to pick up the slack because of Toms position. We live in the house that I had before we got married and sold his to get rid of the debt so we have 4 people and my animals in about a 1300 sq. ft house its so cramped, we are trying to get back on our feet and I do realize the we need a larger house, now my sister lives in a big house with plenty of room. I understand that some people are not cut out to be a caregiver and I'm the best choice and even though I get upset about the situation its due to the comments and uncaring of my sister, my niece is just as bad, she just graduated from nursing school. She will not even call my mom and tells me its because she knows what is ahead and she has decided to distance herself. This is the biggest mess I believe I have ever been in. My niece told me off, she seems to think that she is better than most due to her recent accomplishments, I am proud of her but not proud of her attitude, believe me no one likes to be around her. I even agreed to give her moms car because she needed one the only condition is that she has to have the car at moms anytime that I take her home. I feel it necessary to take her home at least once a year, she has a family farm that has been in the family for about 100 years and spent my grandfathers, grandmothers and fathers last days there with them so it is very special that she go home. I told my sister that we would be there for a week in September and that the car needed to be in the garage, Well guess what?? She told me NO!!! wow a 20 some thousand dollar car that belongs to my mother given to her and she can't drive 8 hours to keep her promise. Hopefully you now get the full picture. I know I need to let it all go and walk away but this is why I sometimes feel like I can't take much more, yes I get tired and need a break but its all the lies and back stabbing with my family that is actually driving me crazy. I really don't know where they came from. I decided this week that I have to let go of them and realized that this is the time that I can enjoy my time with mom. So that is exactly what I have done, I have dropped all contact with my family and now it Mom, Me and my husband and his family that is what is important to me and I'm so lucky that my husband and his family had opened there arms to Mom and treat her like gold.

Aveeno, maybe this is coldhearted, but I think your sister is bluffing. I would call her on the threat of putting your mom in a home and tell her to do it.I think she is spending the money on herself. Does she ever give you an accounting of the funds? You have done this long enough and it is taking its toll. You need to get your life back. Your mom could be placed in your location and then you could still tend to her needs, but all the other resources would be in place. If your mom qualifies for assisted living, I would look there first.

Aveeno, hold your ground - your sister is trying to bully you and the more you take the more she will dish out. Having your Mother pay for her share of the expenses is only fair. If you are able talk to your Mother and have her agree and understand might make things easier. Caring for your Mother is not going to get cheaper or easier - so do this now. You are very fortunate that a caregiver is helping take care of your Mom - but unless Mom is paying for 24 hour care, you are still providing a large amount of care. If your Mom were to be put into a home as your sister would do - she would be paying at least 5,000.00 a month - so if your sister is willing to pay that rather than care for her - why is she not willing to have Mom pay for the care and board she is receiving from you. Perhaps you could get a social worker either from Dept of Aging or from your Mom's health insurance carrier to come in and meet with you, Mom and sister to work out a reasonable agreement. Good luck

Teaka123 good question.