Carmen1950 Asked July 2020
No Plans No Cares - What do we do?? My Mom has no money saved to go into assisted living. NOW WHAT?
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Our Mother is 70 and working from home now. She has asthma and eventually will not be able to take care of herself. She is bitter (divorced) and has no money or preparations for her next phase in life. We (her 3 daughters) are not wealthy, but know we need to come up with a plan (financially). Mom refuses to talk about it and could care less that the burden has fallen on us three. Where do we start in this process?
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Me: Mama, have you and Daddy given any thought to what you will do if one of you breaks a hip or gets seriously ill? Your house is not handicap accessible.
(and there are many steps to get into the house).
Mama: (with a joking/smirk on her face) Aren't you coming to take care of us if we need you?
Me: No. I live over an hour and a half away.
Mama: Aww. Well you can just come stay here for awhile. I think I hear someone outside. (she gets up to look out the window, knowing nobody is there)
Me: We need to discuss this
Mama: Oh look! A SQUIRREL!!!!
Daddy: Stares straight ahead, twiddles his thumbs and silent prays this conversation will end soon.
THE END
Not knowing how well you and your sisters get along - hopefully well enough to do this - but were I you, I would start by having a (private) meeting with my sisters, in which we pledge to each other that NONE of us will assume mom's caregiving, nor expect EACH OTHER to, based on things that *usually* decide which child mom ends up living with - most money, emptiest house, most convenient to doctors, most accommodating spouse, etc.
Then, as a united front, confront mom and tell her where you stand. Your mom is only 70. That is not to old for her to take an ACTIVE part in planning for HER future. Granted, it's probably too late in the game for her to accumulate significant savings, but that doesn't knock her out of any future care BESIDES family. Make very sure she understands this. "Mom, you can either participate in finding out this information, or we will decide *together* without your input, based on YOUR financial means and availability of care facilities. You might end up in a place that we think is adequate, but you hate. But please understand that living with *ANY* of us is not even up for consideration. So it's really in YOUR best interests to take an active part in this planning.
This is not an easy conversation to have. It is even *harder* to do. You and your sisters need to be absolutely sure that whatever you say to mom you are all willing to follow through with. You will also need to be there for each other, in the event she starts a "divide and conquer" type of campaign. And to hold each other up if she starts with a guilt trip.
What you need to be assured of - and assure your sisters of - is that her failure to plan is HER failure, not yours.
Good luck!
It may be worth mom's while to get a consult with an eldercare attorney who is knowledgable about Medicaid in her state.
Remind yourself and your sisters that mom's lack of planning does not constitute an emergency for YOU.
When mom demands that you guys care for her or wants to move in with you, you need to remember to say firmly "no, mom, I can't possibly do that". Do not make excuses or dance around your "no". Make your position clear.
I'm sorry if this sounds heartless. It's called knowing your tolerance for craziness and having healthy boundaries in your life.
While you are all a bit vague and worried about this, mother is not going to take seriously the fact that she needs to work on it herself. Be clear and be firm. Bitter or not, the sooner she knows, the better your chances of getting her to do something sensible.
In your shoes, I would research Medicaid and local facilities, so that if she does nothing you have some idea of what comes next. But keep quiet about it, and stick to the letter of your letters!
Back in 2014 when my mom was 89 and in the early stages of Alzheimer's, I had no idea what to do or where to turn which made me feel very overwhelmed and upset. I finally ended up calling our local "Area of Aging Agency" (it might be called something else depending on what state you are in) and gave the person who answered the phone a brief idea of what I was looking for and they found the appropriate social worker for my situation. Then, I set up an appointment to talk with them in person. They can give suggestions etc.
In my case my dad had passed away ten years earlier and my mom had continued to live in their home which was paid for. I already had been going back and forth from our house to hers for those ten years and could no longer do it. I tried every avenue to keep her in her home as those were her wishes. None of them worked for mainly two reasons: 1) She did not like having strangers in her home and 2) She couldn't afford help seven days a week and one day wasn't enough. So in our case the only option was to move her into an IL/AL facility, clear out her house and put it up for sale in order to be able to pay the monthly rent at the facility. She had several sources of income other than Social Security - some were from when my dad died and some were from having worked in the school system until 71 years old - it just wasn't enough as any facility is expensive. I've seen ranges anywhere from $3,500 to upwards of $8,000. Also, I had to find a facility that would accept ALTCS (our state's Long Term Care System) if she were to start running out of money. For us, we would have to have her in the same facility for a minimum of two years in order to qualify and apply for ALTCS and her money would have to dwindle down to $2,000. Since then, I've been able to put a large sum from the sale of her house into a Money Market so it would earn money each month but, yet I could have access to it as needed without a penalty which wouldn't be so with her CD's she had. We had her CD's staggered and when each one would come up for renewal, I would eliminate it and just keep it in her regular checking account.
Unfortunately it's not uncommon for a parent without a plan to not only be unwilling to discuss it but as in your case leave the burden to fall on you and your two sisters. My husband is the only one who works so we are not financially able to do things for her either. I sure hope you can come up with a plan in order to deal with the issues at hand and for what will come further down the road. I'm assuming you have all the proper paperwork i.e. Power of Attorney Forms - Regular, Durable, Financial, Health along with a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) form and I have Living Will/Advanced Directive Forms as well. These will be needed as you continue to start taking the reins for your mom. I wish all of you the best as you begin the process going forward!
My mom never saved for retirement - no 401K, nothing, even though she earned a good income. Spent every $ she earned and MORE. Then moved in to senior housing and overspent - then expected me to give her rent money. I finally stopped and it was not until she was almost evicted that she started to be a bit smarter. All the years i tried to get her to do 401K - she laughed and said she'd live off SS. Now she realizes how little it is - she expects me to give her money. I laugh and say - no - remember - you were going to live of SS.
She also expects to move in with me. When she brings it up - i am direct - NO. She cries and throws a fit - saying i don't love her, might as well dump her on an ice floe. I tell her she doesn't live with me now and i love her so her reasoning does not make sense - then disengage.
I have told her flat out - i will help her look for a place, i will help her look for aid but i'm not her aging plan. I have warned her that if she chooses to do nothing and an emergency makes the decision - then the county will be making her decisions. She still does NO planning.
Ditto my in-laws.
So, my DH and i have decided to quietly look for places they can affort with medicaid or other assistance but not get ourselves in a swirl about it. we cannot control it. But we ARE in an agreement that their emergencies are NOT going to result in us taking them in "until they figure it out" or giving them money to "tide them over for now until they figure it out". they will never leave and never figure it out. We will be helpers but not the solution.
It is harsh - but they all had relatives live into their 90's and know that at some point we all need assistance with living if our bodies and minds age and wear down. If they choose not to face this - it is a decision they are making. My DH and i are early 50's but we include aging when we meet with our financial advisors for 401K and college savings plans.
Stop stressing about your mother - when the emergency happens -get help them.
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