Non custodial, non-family elderly woman who needs intervention. How can I help?

Just a thought, if your area has an Adult Protective Service number? You can just mention
your concerns and request a wellness check? The call is anonymous, so they won't call you back with any details, but they could check with the family.

My mother has narcissism I sold my house to move closer to help out when Daddy was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. My oldest brother “T” moved back in there home and started stealing money from them, drank , drugged and did not work. I became unwelcome when I tried to get my mother to see what was going on but my brother has always been the squeaky wheel . I have another brother I call the good brother. My mother and my brother talked so hateful about him and his sweet family then turned on me. When my son passed away my mother treated me so hateful. As did my brother “T” my son, I do not know why liked his uncle but had he known how he treated his mother he would have not stood for it. Then that brother passed away a year this month. Before that I moved back to Nevada to be near my daughter and her little family. When my brother passed, I flew down to help my mom and my good brother with his funeral. Daddy passed two years prior to that. Even though she treated me so hateful when my son died, I still paid for all my expenses myself. After the funeral, I saw how horrible that beautiful house on the water had become because of my brother “T”s trashing it and his room stunk so bad from all the trash and beer cans all over. My good bro and I had not gone to my mothers house since before Daddy passed because if Daddy knew how we were being treated he would have not stood for it. So even though my mom and my brother T treated me and my good brother horribly, I helped make arrangements with a nursing staff and everything she needs to stay in her home. Then I get the dutiful less daughter guilt. The nursing staff can’t understand why her only two living family members do not come and see her or take more care of her. They do not know that my mother use to pull my hair, tell me she could just kill me and wished that I was never born to me all my life. I have no contact with her. My good brother tried helping her but then she accused him of stealing her dishes and stealing money from her which he would never do. She even accused him of being in drugs. He works at an AFB in Florida and has top secret clearance he would never do anything to jeopardize his or his families life doing drugs. Di now he has stopped going over only periodically to check on her. He can’t stay long because she starts attacking him and his wife and HER grandchildren! So maybe it can be deceiving that to why this woman’s family stays away.

Very good answers above. However I think it may also be worth considering that the son may just be tied up in his own life and not realising how difficult life is getting for her. My MIL is very independent and remains quite capable in her 80s of living alone having adapted astonishingly well to the sudden death of her beloved husband several years ago. She rarely calls for support and hubby often needs prompting to give her enough attention. I know in her younger years she did annoy him a bit as parents often do but they love each other very much and she is truely a wonderful woman. However he is works very hard in multiple roles that just take his attention unless she asks for something which he then willingly gives. I also suspect that he struggles with accepting her getting older. It was a huge shock to all of us when FIL went and as the eldest my hubby buried a lot of his emotion in order to be strong for the others. So it is possible that the son is simply unaware of the true depth of her needs. Personally I am always grateful for others giving me insight into my mother. I may not always accept what they have to say but I hear it. Is it worth reaching out to the son as well and just seeing how much he is aware of?

I can't figure out whether this elderly woman is being neglected by child, or if it is a case of accepting help only on her terms. For example, she refuses to move from home that is no longer safe for her. If the latter, the child may have no choice but to refuse to enable bad decisions and hope that things are not too bad, when the whole mess finally collapses. Some elders just refuse to accept that things change over time and expecting others to enable them to keep on living as they are used to is unreasonable.

Her needs:
#1 Doctor appointment
#2 Cab for ride to dr.
#3 Laundry p/u and delivery service
#4 Family to step it up
#5 Geriatric psychiatrist appointment
#6 Overall wellness assessment

You can actually call the APS regarding this matter but be very careful if she needs help but doesn't need a guardian as guardianship can turn out to be abusive. A better alternative is the opportunity you may not see, the opportunity to step in and help her yourself. I would have a little bit of a talk with her about your observations but don't coerce her, only offer suggestions to make an educated decision about any inheritance she's leaving. Putting myself in her shoes, I personally would not leave an inheritance for my kids if my kids didn't care enough about me to be there for me in my old age if they had the means to be there. Unless these kids were abused as children as so many are, they should be involved with this elderly woman's life. Then there's another thought they may actually be doing her a favor because you don't know that they may not end up abusing her if they were to care for her. Though the children should be there for the parents when they are old, not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, which should be seriously considered. You have an opportunity right under your nose and I don't know if you even see it but you have an opportunity to just go ahead and help her, which might be a safer solution to calling the APS and risking her being put under forced guardianship and cut off from the outside world, drained financially conveniently knocked off and cremated when the last dime is gone. I hate to have to burst your bubble on this but you may want to look up a three part video titled, "how your elderly parents will become wards of the state". Pay special attention to part one specifically, it has all the key info you need to know what happens when someone is placed under forced guardianship even if they don't need a guardian. If this woman happens to be wealthy and it sounds like she may be if her kids are waiting in the wings for her to die, you may want to just go ahead and just take over and help her where she can't help herself. Help her, but don't start helping yourself to what all you can get from her. Let her make her own decisions as long as she's competent and able to make those decisions. Discuss with her how important it is to make educated decisions regarding any inheritance she plans to leave, and just explain to her to only leave inheritance where it really counts. Explain to her that if she makes any decisions regarding any inheritances, she must make them on her own. Do point out that her kids aren't there but don't influence her to benefit anyone specific, just stay neutral when you have your discussion with her but make sure it's at the right time. Let her open the door to discussion but don't to coerce her, just stay neutral. You can talk about these matters without getting overly involved with them. If she asks your advice, tell her to do her own soul-searching and make her own decisions based on what she sees and what she knows. If given her situation, I personally won't leave an inheritance to my kids if my kids didn't care enough to be there for me as long as they weren't abused by me and they had the means to come check on me and even help me. If they were well off and able to be there for me within reason but chose not to, those are the kinds of cases where I wouldn't leave an inheritance to those specific people. If they didn't value me enough to be there when I most needed them, then they won't value what I leave them and therefore, they wouldn't get nothing. I personally would make sure my will stays updated to fit my current situation and if push came to show of, I could change the will again and just do an early transfer of whatever it is I was going to leave for specific people if it meant protecting myself against becoming a target of forced abusive guardianship. This is how I would handle things in my old age since beneficiaries can easily be changed

The holidays are a killer when you don't have any family. The holidays also need to be done away with

Kudos to you for being concerned about your friend. Agree that there might be sides to the story that you aren't aware of.

Generally as a friend, the main thing you can do is try to learn more about how your friend -- and perhaps her son, if you know him -- perceive the situation and feel about it. And then you can try to nudge your friend to do things that would be better for her. You can also offer support and encouragement to your friend.

Your friend might be suffering from bereavement or depression; these might get better with time, or more social activities, or might require some professional assistance.

In the long run, it sounds like her living arrangement isn't particularly suited to helping her thrive in late-life. (I recently heard geriatrician Bill Thomas say that "Houses kill!")

So you could gently talk to her about it. How does she feel about her situation? what does she think would help? Can you help her work towards that, whether it's getting more help in the home or starting to think about moving to a smaller place without stairs? Does she at least have a way to call for help if she falls while alone at home?

And does her thinking seem to be pretty clear, or is there any possibility she might be slipping mentally? (She also might be mentally worse than she otherwise would be, due to depression or poorly controlled medical problems.) If she seems to be slipping mentally, it would be best for her family and doctor to get more involved.

If you think she's truly in danger, you can call Adult Protective Services. Otherwise, for friendly help you would have to look into community organizations and local non-profits.

In short, no easy answers. If you show up regularly as a friend, that is already more than many older adults have available to them. You will have to decide for yourself how much effort you can put in, to helping her explore her options for improving her situation. Good luck!

You're very sweet to want to help--but be very careful how much you offer to do--I've seen people get dragged into caregiving when all they wanted to do initially was be a support, or minor help.

There may well be a reason her family is not involved--I know my mother would paint herself as being totally neglected, when in fact, she simply pushes family away and wants attention from others, who will "poor, poor pitiful you"--just as she wants.

There's at least 2 sides to this story, perhaps more. Just be a little wary, OK?

It may be that this widowed lady (how long ago?) would rather not involve her children if they're not going to volunteer; and I personally feel that's fair enough. Even saintly old ladies can be seen very differently by their children. Or I wonder if I should have said "especially" saintly old ladies. Some mothers' standards can be quite hard to live up to as a lifelong challenge.

Depending on how long she has had to adjust to being alone, it may be time to research and propose options for moving on. If it was very recent, then perhaps gather contact numbers for useful services (and I agree about calling the Area Agency). If that's already been done, it isn't working, and things are just continuing downhill after a decent mourning period, then she may need the more structured support of a retirement home or assisted living facility.

I hope you're able to help her find a way forward.

mimimarnie, that is great that you are watching out for your aging neighbor.

As mentioned by others here, it could be the grown children were unable to get their mother to move into senior living and/or she refused caregiving help and cleaning crews. One's parents can be very stubborn, and if the parent is still of clear mind there is nothing we can do but wait.... and wait... and wait for a serious medical emergency to finally get the ball rolling toward senior housing.

My parents, mainly my Mom, was quite stubborn. In her 90's she refused caregivers and cleaning crews to help out. Yet I gave in to their needs myself until I realize I was enabling them to continue to remain in their home, which had a lot of stairs. So I slowly had to back off, which wasn't easy. Oh the guilt.

A medical emergency did show up when my Mom had a very serious fall, sadly she spent her last 3 months in long-term-care. If only..... [sigh]. After Mom passed, Dad was already packing to move to senior living to which he had said he wished he would have moved there years ago, but Mom wouldn't budge :(

I agree that there may be more to this story than meets the eye. Bare in mind that not all adult children SHOULD be helping their parents. For example, I have taken on the brunt of caring for my disabled mother. My sister, even if she lived a mile away, would not be able to adequately care for our mother. Frankly, it would be disastrous. She has no patience. She's impulsive and has a life long history of poor decision making. Perhaps the son is unable to care for his mother, or as others have hinted, perhaps she has refused his help or even led him to believe she doesn't need help and hidden her vulnerability from him. It sounds like she is a fall risk at home and does need help. Perhaps a frank conversation about her needs and wants will help determine the scope of the situation. If she is willing to move to a safer environment with a little more help and supervision, and access to social programs, that could be better and you could help her by helping her find such a place. But if she's unwilling to go anywhere, and she has the capacity to make that decision, you, nor her son, can force her to do anything. It is clear you mean the best for her. But I think a little more digging is probably necessary. If she falls again, you might consider going to the hospital with her and talking with their social workers about her living environment. They often have resources and recommendations and can sometimes elicit the help of hesitant relatives to assist. Ultimately, her safety is priority.

Most cities now have a community action outreach program. Find them and they will have resources to help in this situation. She may qualify for in-home care, companionship, light housekeeping, the laundry, grocery shopping, dr. visits etc.

I agree that some elderly parents shut out their kids. Despite begging them ( elderly parent) to allow you to help they become angry and insist they need no help. It is known as pride. But we know that pride comes before .........

There could be another side to the story as someone else commented here. She may resist the kids' help with her house or health; maybe there's a good reason that they don't visit or seem to care. Kids don't just disappear on a loving parent for no reason.

My mother appears to be a saint, but was cruel to my pets and mean to me my whole life, making sure to do it all when no one was looking. She put on a wonderful front to her family and a wide circle of friends, none of whom will hear a bad thing about her.

Just sayin' that things may not be what they seem...

Does she have a doctor?

If she makes an appointment, can she get a cab to come and take her?

Has she looked into a service that will pick up her laundry and deliver it? 

Is she thinking about selling her house and moving to an Independent Living place or Senior Apartment?  Have you talked to her "kids"?  

There are SO many folks here who try to get their elderly parents to accept that they can't live at home anymore and the elders dig in their heels and refuse to leave.  I'm wondering if that is what's happening here.  

I agree that calling the local Area Agency on Aging is a great idea, but there are two sides to this story.

It seems you know quite a bit already. Just go talk with her, find something in common to talk about, get her talking, if you’ve visited with her an know these things as fact, talk more about current living conditions, questions to see response, cooking, (what do you Ike to eat) her activity ( my electric bill was better this month) you know she can’t wash her clothes, is she kept up herself ? maybe help. I would do what you’re doing, observation, look at her needs and contact age caring. Her age or any noticeable problems weren't mentioned, it’s the holidays, loneliness is a serious killer. You’ve got a good heart, be cautious an gracious.

Call your local Office of Aging and see if someone can go out and evaluate the situation. Make sure u give childs name and address. I believe there is a level of responsibility children need to take on when it comes to parents.