My 90 yr old mom rotated between my sister's home and mine until she fell and broke her hip in February. She's in lockdown in a nursing home due to the COVID-19 virus. Since being in the nursing home, her condition has worsened and she needs 24 hr care. We tried caring for her, but it was very difficult and nearly got me down. It was nearly impossible to set boundaries with her. My mom says it "feels terrible to know nobody wants me."
I feel so guilty that she isn't living with me. I have an obsession with the guilt that is unbearable. I don't know how to handle it.
Boy, I felt your mom's gut wrenching statement pierce my heart and it's no wonder you are obsessing over the guilt.
I'm sure it's difficult on everyone's part after rotating her between you and your sister's and now being in a nursing home with the COVID-19 lockdown. That certainly did not help with how your mom views her life in general.
Not only could you no longer care for her because she fell and broke her hip but, that realization is even more true now that her condition has worsened because of her present situation - she needs 24 hour care and you can't seem to set the appropriate boundaries I'm guessing because they weren't there to begin with. So at it's worst, you find it would be "nearly impossible" to set them now.
Since I don't have any answers, can you ask yourself if the guilt would still be there if your mom hadn't vocalized how she feels? Did it feel like she said it hoping you would feel guilty? And even though I can't tell you how to handle it, I can at least reassure you that many of us feel guilt at some point(s) when being a caregiver for our loved ones. We don't like to see what is happening to them and we want to somehow be able to "save" them from the inevitable. What would have to happen with your mom/situation for you not to feel guilty? Is the scenario perfection? If so, than you could never attain something that doesn't exist. None of our situations are perfect, we're just doing the best we can as each twist and turn occurs. I hope you can somehow ease up on yourself along with the expectations you may "think" your mom has for you as well as the expectations you have for yourself. Also, I'd be curious if your sister is struggling as much as you are with feeling guilt.
I wish you peace within your heart and I hope someone else on the forum will provide you with the suggestions/guidance you are seeking!
And now she needs 24/7 care.
You are aware, aren't you, that one person cannot do 24/7 care without break or respite? Young parents do it with newborns, but only for a short period of time. And that's when we are young. And usually there are 2 parents, and perhaps a grandma at hand.
Your mother is being unreasonable in saying that the fact she is in a nursing home means no one wants her. I hope maybe she's lost her filter due to some cognitive decline, but if this is her usually mode of operation, then she is using a technique called Fear, Obligation and Guilt (F.O.G.). Look it up. Frequently employed by folks with Narcissistic tendencies or full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nothing matters but what SHE wants.
I take it that if your mother is 90, you are no spring chicken yourself.
You have an important role to play here as your mother's advocate for her to get the best care possible. If you become ill from 24/7 caregiving, or from beating yourself up out of guilt, shes not going to have you looking out for her.
If she tries that line again, I'd say "nonsense, mom. You need far more care than can be given in a private home. We love you and THIS is what the doctors say you need". Be brisk and forthright in shutting down her self-pity.
Is her PTSD being treated by a psychiatrist? Is there depression as well? Getting my mother good psychiatric care was key in helping her remain calm and unagitated as she aged.
Guilt is for folks who've done something wrong. You haven"t.
I hope you are not too hard on yourself and come to terms with the loss and take some comfort in the caring and good that you have done.
Also realize you yourself are allowing the guilt to consume you. You can’t feel guilty unless you want to. I would suspect you are wishing you could just make her happy, but sadly that truly isn’t possible.
My dad never adapted to living in the NH the 2.5 years he was there. It made me sad that was where he had to go but I was realistic. I knew it was the only way he could get the care he needed. Are YOU being realistic?
We are not responsible for Covid, or how NH are isolating our family. My dad died during Covid from age and dementia. It was very sad, but I feel no guilt for things out of my control.
please get counseling if it is causing you this much angst.
My mom tried some of the same tactics with me. I just reassured her that I loved her and explained that I was the one that was unable to give her the level of care she required ( i.e., lifting, bathing, etc.). Then I changed the subject.
Mom fell on Mothers Day at her assisted living facility (totally her own doing). She stayed on this earth only six additional weeks (she was 98 years old). Covid-19 has made life for our elderly a real nightmare. Bless you for all you have done for her and take the time to celebrate her life.
Do little things that can be given to her to show how you feel - cards, notes, tiny gifts, flowers, if possible -- anything you can think of. She is lonely and feels forgotten, just who wouldn't under todays world.
Don't worry about "boundaries" at this time, just let her know you think of her often and that she is exactly where she needs to be for her care and her safety at this time.
Good luck and God bless.
Some reach the point where they need to be in a seniors residence. It is not their fault anymore than it is yours. Sometimes we have to deal with the crappy hand that has been dealt to us.
Do not allow your mother to manipulate you.
Flip-Flopping = you telling others crap like this in one thread, then telling someone else they should place their LO in a NH. MAKE UP YOUR MIND and stop posting crap like this. The reality is very often with age and a fall like this they would go downhill no matter where they lived. In this case it could be even faster, because there is really no way OP or her sister could provide the 24/7 care needed safely.
Like you mom, mine had taken several falls, broke her hip and ended up in a nursing home. I did all I could from moving her in with me (totally interfere with family dynamics), and moved her into senior housing with on site assistance. She fought me all the way. All I heard from her was how badly I was treating her. Nothing mattered.
After she came to terms with living in a nursing home she become the social butterfly she use to be. When I would see her of course she would cry and act out but the staff would tell me that when I wasn't around she was always laughing with others etc.
My mother passed August 18, 2019. I also feel bad at times yet I know that she now being in heaven knows just how much I did love her.
Stay strong and lean on God for understanding.
I know others in the same boat. We all have the same thought: we will never do to our children what our mothers are doing to us. In every case the mother simply does not understand what she is costing her children in terms of physical and mental stress.
A number of my mother's friends have voluntarily moved into senior residences of one kind or another. The commonality? Either they have no daughters or they cared for their own mothers. In the case of those who cared for their own mothers, they have a much better perspective of what it is like.
Tell her that you want her safe and well-cared for and that her needs go beyond what you can give her. Then change the subject. Do not obsess over those guilty feelings. You did what you could until her condition required other options. When you feel a twinge of feeling sorry for her or guilt that she is not happy, write her a cheerful note on pretty stationary and mail it. Those little notes will cheer her for longer than it takes you to write them and you will have done something to counteract your own response to her unhappiness as well. Pick up some nice little things at the dollar store to include in the envelopes of those "thinking of you" notes. It is too bad that the pandemic keeps us from visiting because those visits can help both the visitor and the visited. Do your best with phone calls, Zoom, and the notes. Remember, your best is all you can do.
That said, I was on and off the fence about taking my parents in. My mother can be a real pickle to spend time with, never mind live with! Initially I thought maybe it was just tension between her and my dad (she would hound on him!), but she came with me and my kids on a vaca to SC and boy oh boy, that was the clincher! No dad, just her. No way would I want her around me 24/7! Dad passed in 2008 and she'd been living in their condo since, until about 4.5 years ago, when dementia kicked in. OB not local (and now that I am aware that he is STILL an abusive jerk, it wasn't just a kid thing, no way would I want her living with or near him) and YB is still working, but also not the right person for care giving. So, I started searching around and found a nice place near where I live. It wasn't easy making the move happen, but she's there and safe. I haven't been able to visit since 3/16, but they sent a photo recently - she looks relatively happy... Her demeanor, most of the time, is agreeable, doesn't make trouble, etc and so most of the staff actually like her! Sure, NOW she's nice... you didn't grow up with her or deal with her before dementia!!!
Anyway, it probably is somewhat common that those who didn't do any care of their own parents make some of the worst care-needers!
"the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime."
So, have you committed an offense or crime? Nope.
She fell, which is not your fault, unless you pushed her down, but that isn't likely. So, you have no fault there and should not allow guilt to consume you for that.
She had to go to NH to get proper care. Again, you have no fault in this, it is what it is, it happened and there's really nothing you can do to change that. Very few of us would be able to provide the needed 24/7 care. You are not Superwoman or Wonder Woman, so what offense or crime has been committed? None. IF you neglected her, sure, but you/sister ensured she was taken care of, that is what counts!
Because of the virus, lock downs are in place, so you can't visit to console and assure her in person. Not your fault. Not even facility fault. Again, it is what it is, there's nothing we can do to change that, so guilt should not play a part here.
For now the best you can do is maintain contact by phone or video if that's available. Reassure her that you DO care and plan to resume visits when it is allowed. Encourage her to work with PT/OT, if this is provided, to build up her strength so she can return home. This last bit is to get her working on getting stronger. There may never be a chance to come home again, but give her hope! You never know, she might recover enough to come back, or at the very least join you and your sister for outings after lock down is over.
Send encouraging and cheerful cards, notes, little gifts, flowers. Anything to help cheer her up and ask how her progress is going. Keep encouraging her, saying you want her to work hard, get strong and come home!
Meanwhile, both you and your sister need to understand that you have done NOTHING wrong, therefore feeling guilty is a useless emotion. Pour your energy into encouraging mom (yes, she's likely going to be the piss-ant in this whole process, but tune that out!) Remind her that eventually the lock down will be reduced or removed and you can visit, maybe take her out for a bit.
My mother's facility (IL/AL/MC) has been on lock down since 3/16. Recently they began offering brief outdoor visits. I haven't yet taken them up on this, mainly because, like your mother, mom's hearing is pretty much shot, she has Mac Deg too, and has for months refused to stand/walk without major help. She also has dementia, making things more difficult. Given that we have to stay apart and wear masks, there's not much ability to have a conversation. I had asked if they have a white board we could use, but no. I was using a Boogie Board LCD tablet to write and clear what I say to facilitate when visiting before, but we can't use that if we're 6' apart!
Hard as it is, understand NONE of this is you or your sister's fault. Guilt should only hound you if you've done something wrong! Both of you have done what you could prior to the hip break to care for her, so that should be some consolation for you! You did more than I did!
Neither can you cure it.
You, your sister & your Mother all have your own life journeys to live. You can share wonderful times together but no-one has the right to expect another to give up their life journey.
A Social Worker told me that.
If your Mother needs so much help you have to give up so much of your life to live only hers, it's time to look for more help. A nursing home is just that. More help. You still love her!