I have been helping my 91 year old mom for 8 years even though she was living by herself. She has had 3 hospitalizations in 2 years. She has mental issues and would not face reality by considering help. My brother sees her on mother's day and birthday but otherwise takes no part in her care. Why does everyone expect me to take care of her? Fact: I had 18 polio related surgeries and she could not be there because it upset HER too much. Now she wants me to take her home from NH even though she can't walk. I am 65, just retired and would like to travel a bit before I am unable to get around. She was also an only child. She has always been miserable and unhappy as well as depressed with terrible anxiety. I really do not want to bring her into my home and make my husband and I miserable. Suggestions?
Others can assume and fuss all they want. You are not accepting delivery.
But there's a bit more to it than that, isn't there? There seem to be painful emotions bubbling up, more to do with your mother's historical shortcomings and your brother's presumptions, and your only too understandable dissatisfaction with the pair of 'em. Have you ever thrashed out these feelings with anyone?
Just by the way: my mother also contracted polio when she was in her early thirties; she was very fortunate to get away with only minimal impairment to the musculature of her left arm. But in the course of my efforts to understand her complex co-morbidities when I was her full-time carer, I came across several incomplete studies into 'post-polio syndrome' and recommendations for its management. If this isn't something you have already researched, I would suggest that you check it out purely as a possibility to guard against.
I congratulate you on your determination to survive and thrive after polio, and wish you every joy of a long and happy retirement with your husband.
There is no guarantee that bringing her into your home will make her happy. It IS certain that it will make you miserable and that you are not physically capable of providing the level of care necessary. So it is not going to happen.
Why can't your brother do the caregiving?
Who is "everyone"? Are there other family members?
Expect to be verbally harassed when you tell everyone that you are not able to take care of your mother. Please stand firm! It seems to me that your health dictates that you are NOT able to do caregiving.
I am also one who is not cut out for caregiving, yet I have been forced into the role (quite limited at this point) because I am the only one local (of 4 children) to my mother. I've set some boundaries with her and been exposed to verbal abuse.
I have told my three out-of-state brothers that when it gets to be too much, that I will walk away. And also that our mother will NEVER live with me (even though I have a one-story house).
I know when I first came on these forum years ago, someone told me I was "too old" to take care of my very elderly parents [also in their 90's], and sure enough they were so right. So I made sure to keep reminding my parents that I was a senior myself, and the energy ship had already sailed.
Your Mom is so much better off being in a nursing home where she is tended to by at least 10 professionals each and every day... from the doctor, the nurses, the aides, the housekeepers, the kitchen help, etc. and they get to go home after their shift to get a good night sleep. If Mom was with you, then you would be those 10 people doing 3 shifts a day.
Plus, you would need to make your home into a mini nursing home.
Let us know what you decide.
This is not being ugly, just practical. People in the US used to feel that it is the daughter's duty to tend to the elders. Fortunately, this thinking is changing and elders are beginning to understand that senior communities and nursing facilities are fine places to live. Someone today was telling me the story of her mother, who for years had been so against a senior facility. Finally she had to move into one. After a month or two she loved it for one reason. She loved Bingo. Soon all she was asking for was quarters. :)
I am a full-time caregiver. I've been here for several years now. One question often crosses my mind: "What kind of parent asks their child to sacrifice their life?" We often think in a way that makes the adult kids look guilty, but really should a parent even ask so much of one of their children? I know that I couldn't ask this of anyone. Caregiving is no longer something that can last a few months, it can go on for 10-20 years. It is too much to ask of anyone.