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For years my mom lived alone in her home, in a different state than me. We had the help of a home care agency on a very part time basis. I flew there several times a year, called her everyday and was in touch with her caregivers and doctors on a regular basis. My sister and her adult son lived about 15 minutes away and never once set foot on her doorstep. Not for birthdays, no holidays, not to take her for a short walk on a sunny day, nothing. There was never a card in the mail or sticky note on the door. Now that my mother's health is deteriorating and my husband and I sacrificed a lot of our own time and finances to work tirelessly to move her to our state, get her stabilized, get her home cleaned and sold, now I'm getting phone calls and texts requesting information about my mom from the estranged family members. She moved her 5 months ago and the only reason they even noticed is because now there is a "sold" sign in front of her home. I do not feel like I should have to update them on her condition and how everything has progressed in the last few years. I'm her POA as well as her trustee and I am doing everything by the letter of the law where her finances are concerned. My family and I, husband, children and in-laws are the people in my mom's life and always have been there for her since my father passed away. She has dementia and Parkinson's and needs a lot of love and care and attention and after everything I've been through I do not have the time nor the desire to have to explain anything to anyone who chose to abandone their loved one for years but now "want answers". Am I wrong? I just don't know how to respond because I'm certain they don't want to know how I really feel about them.

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I would say- talk to them on the phone. Tell them details about her physical day- what she did, what she said, what time things happened, what she ate, what tv she watched. Keep doing that as if you're a little cuckoo yourself. You will have some fun (?) and they might fade away.
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You are a great daughter and person!
I like the idea of a brief note - if you have email, write one note and cc everyone so they all get the same thing. But now that I see your update, I want to say I am glad you took action.

My brother had the POT, but he rarely showed his face. He had his secretary jump in to manage everything but that created another problem. I'd been the caregiver for years, but suddenly, they demanded I step aside.

I don't want to go into the story, but please know that you must focus on loving your Mom and taking care of her, and let the attorney deal with the sister. Let go of the hurt and anger. You have to for your own health. It's the hardest thing I ever had to do.
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ladypamelade, you're absolutely right. Let the lawyer handle it all, that's what he is getting paid for. And he already has "her number"...LOL. His comments to her about there is no inheritance until the elderly parent passes indicates he already knows what she is up to.

The one good thing about the do nothing sibling is they're very transparent to those who work in law firms, or in banks, or in a nursing home. They see right through these types as they know who is doing the caregiving and who isn't.

The sister "showed her hand" to the lawyer.
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Great advice from Kathy and irishboy...all great really. You guys are the best! I really don't understand people who only care about what they can get from others.
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Please protect yourself if this woman calls you to harrang or harrass you - tell her you have nothing to say and refer her to the attorney; then hang up! Any letters or correspondence from her to you or your mother should be sent to him; she will be digging her own grave, so-to-speak, since her anger and frustration will no doubt be clear in what she writes or says, as well as the absence in those contacts of any concern whatsoever about your mother and her health issues. Let him handle it; that's what you're paying him for. It will also give him a crystal clear idea who he's dealing with where she's concerned. As a trust attorney, I'm sure he's dealt with many people like her and will know just what to do.
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Denver, good move on your part. Sis will not give up, she will try to figure out a way to turn mom against you. Beware.
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denverfan, you did the right thing. I love how the lawyer told her this is no inheritance until your mom passes.

Went through the same exact thing, it is very upsetting to think someone who was raised under the same roof as you could be so evil.

You're a good daughter and you have something she will never have, time with your mom.
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I am so sorry you had to go through the expense to retain the elder care (trust?) attorney, but your sister's behavior leaves you no choice. Continue to put your mom's needs first. You will not regret all you do for your mom. I don't habe muchmoney to do things for m parents, but one tthing I do, is make sure I give them each a big HUG when I see them, and when I have to leave them. HUGS are so important (to my parents) and its just not possible to do it over the phone or in a letter. So hug away!
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Oh, Denver fan,

You are a smartie. You won't regret this move.

Good luck!
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Your sister sounds narcissistic and perhaps a bit of a sociopath too, judging from the stories and lies she is telling about you, especially wanting a copy of the trust, which she will take straight to a lawyer to see what she can do (my brother did that exactly). Never trust her because she may not give up trying to get her share. So, make sure you are successor trustee for incapacity and death and do not let her bully your mother into signing anything. I would advise to petition for guardianship but after I went through a horrible process with my absent sibling that cost my mother a fortune, I am not so sure it would be worth it. Best of luck!
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It's really good that you brought in the trust attorney this early - so glad you've been able to get this off your mind.
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Excellent news! Congratulations - you did well.
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Thanks to all of you for the terrific advice and support! I wanted to give an update on the sister threatening to file guardianship. I felt, at this point, it was necessary to consult with a trust attorney to make sure I'm handling this correctly. I hated to spend the money but I think it is very important. I met with him and he was great. I learned so much about everything I need to be doing to make sure mom's money and assets are protected. He also contacted my sister by phone. He said he will be her point of contact and offered to make arrangements for my mom to call her. She acknowledged that but of course the main topic of conversation was my mom's estate. She played the victim and never addressed the fact that she chose to neglect my mother for years. He said her main concern was that she was going to get ripped off of any inheritance. He had to keep reminding her that the trust is for my mom's benefit as long as she is alive and no one else gets the money until the time she passes on. She didn't really ask about my mom's health or much of anything about her, it was all about the trust and could she get a copy. She said I had kept secrets and had done everything without her knowledge. Once again blaming me for her choice to stay away. What's funny is, I thought it would really bother me but at this point I really don't care what she thinks and knowing that she has to go through him gives me great relief. After spending several hours with my mom today, doing her hair, taking her to a doctor appointment and tucking her back in to bed when we got home, I realize that is where my focus needs to be and not on this petty junk and drama! I'm glad I found this forum and bless you all.
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I have 4 similar siblings, who hardly visit, barely call, send an Xmas card and just sign their name. After over 30 yrs of being totally involved with my folks, and the others so un-involved, the folks are somewhat resigned to the fact that their other kids have made their choice to put their own lives WAY ahead of their extended family. As my parents age, there has been feeble unorganized "mentions" made once in awhile as to "we should have a family reunion" which never gets beyond the talk phase, because when it comes right down to it, they all would much rather do their own vacations. The only time anybody got semi-excited about a joint vacation was when dad found a ski lodge in Colorado and was thinking of renting it out for everyone, but he didn't want to also pay airfare for 5 families and also step-grandchildren, so that fizzled. My point is, if there have been opportunities for your siblings to be active in your mom's life, and they didn't take advantage of them when they lived right near her, well they're not going to suddenly get all involved now. The guardianship thing is really wierd, and IMHO I don't think it will go anywhere. Hope you will post some updates as things develop!
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I think the registered letter is an excellent idea. They can't say the didn't get when they have to sign for it. While email is OK, they can always deny seeing it.

It's horrible that any of us who do/did caregiving have to go through this.

That's why I found the thread about repairing relationships with siblings after the parents are gone so amusing. Why on earth would you want to have contact with anyone who made your life more difficult and abandoned you, when you needed help.

And when the last parent passes, look out, they will be on the scene so fast it will make your head spin. They couldn't be bothered before, but they manage to have time once the elderly parent is no longer alive.
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Again and especially, if it is all about the money, get a lawyer to help you draft these responses. You can't know what the reactions will be. If it ever got to court...

You want to be on the right side of the street!
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I agree with most of what has been said already. However, I WOULD send a tactful e-mail to the sister to the effect of "you could not be bothered with mother when she was in need, despite your living very nearby - so why all of this sudden interest on her welfare?" Her response may reveal her true motives.

Based on what you said, it surely seems that it is "all about the money." It can also be indicative of your sister's "guilt." I have seen this type of behavior as a manifestation of guilt by the sibling who lived closest but could not "deal with" the idea of their aging parent. My brother, the attorney, was totally USELESS in my father's dementia, because he was totally unable to "deal emotionally" with the whole decline thing. I did everything myself, including all of the legal arrangements.

As others have suggested - do send the sister e-mail updates on your mother's health status. But I would leave any mention of money out of it.
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I didn't see the text about guardianship. I just went through an ugly process myself, petitioning for guardianship, even after three doctors wrote letters that my mother was not competent. (very important to get her diagnosed, if she hasn't been). My brother hired a lawyer and even through he has no evidence and even lives overseas, he still made a lot of trouble and cost my mother a great deal of money. So, I am really sorry to hear that. If she petitions, you need to get a lawyer and counter-petition. What will it come down to? Well, sadly it won't be your excellence of care. It will be what your mother chooses, as supposedly she has competence still until legally decided otherwise. The court will probably assign someone to investigate her care and money situation and may assign her a lawyer. It is very important she tell this lawyer that she wants you to be her caregiver and guardian. You will probably win but it will be stressful. Best of luck!
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Wow, today is a banner day for me...Almost every questions I can relate too! I was in your shoes last year. Mom lived over 2 hours away. One brother in another state and another, while only 30 minutes away, worked 60 to 70 hours a week in law enforcement. Did what he could but wasn't much help. I called them and told them mom's condition had changed and as a group we talked to her and told her, you need to hire someone, move to AL or move in with me or out of state brother. She chose me -yippee :p - So over the next 6 months I drove every weekend to her house, sorted & packed and gave away her possessions. With her at my side,we saw a lawyer and set up the trust with me as trustee and executor, I sent copies to my brothers. I told them to visit or call whenever they wanted. She may hear from them once every few months but otherwise, nothing. I keep meticulous records of what I spend because I know at the end there will be questions but I do not feel obligated to keep them posted. They are on my facebook page so pretty my know what is going on.
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As others have said, regardless of your sister's motives (and it does sound like she is all about the money), you need to protect yourself against accusations that you are using that money for yourself and not your mother's benefit. She may also try to see your mother and get her to change her will or POA or try to get her "inheritance" early. So be wary of any contact with your mom and try to be there when it happens. You may set up a separate bank account for her that you are on to pay her expenses so the monies don't mix. You did not say if she is living with you cause that opens another potential can of worms for your sister to exploit. I had exactly the same situation with a sibling and am still dealing with it, he has a lawyer and threatens me constantly. He never helped in any way but he wants his money. Keep up the good work!
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I agree these relatives need to be informed as to just what happened to the money from the sale of the house, your mother's physical and mental condition, etc., the kind of care you're providing, etc. Indeed, invite them to come visit and help take care of her, etc. Cover yourself completely BUT send them letters by registered mail, return receipt requested. Have a folder where you keep proof those letters were signed for and received. They can always claim they never got an e-mail; they can't dodge the registered letter. If they refuse to sign for the the letter, that should be in the records too. Good luck! You're the kind of daughter every mother wishes she had. There's almost always one like us in every family who takes all the responsibility while others, like the proverbial grasshopper, simply play.
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Guardianship would be a very long shot for your sister. This seems like a bluff.

Guardianship is an option whenever someone cannot make decisions for himself or herself and really doesn't have anything to do with the kind of care that person is receiving from what we understand. That said, the POA is considered the potential ward's vote on who should be his or her guardian. If your mom is still fairly aware, she would echo her choice to whomever is sent by the court to investigate. Add to that the EXCELLENT job you've done, and no judge ought to decide against you IF the case were to proceed. Your sister will likely have to file in the county where your mom resides, if she files at all, which would require her to travel to your state, find an attorney who can practice in your state, etc. This will be a contested guardianship and may cost her upwards of $20K out of her own pocket. Meanwhile, you have the use of your mom's trust fund to defend your mom's choice of decision maker. And if in the very unlikely event she should win, then she'd be responsible to the court for how the money was spent and would have to provide an annual accounting.

Your sister really needs to count the cost before going forth with such a ridicious and impossible notion. In the end, she would be out tens of thousands of $$$ and you would be the guardian. Your mom would be the real loser for having to spend what she had for her care on the court battle.
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Just one more opinion: have the lawyer help you write the e-mail. May be a once a month e-mail to keep them informed of her care. but I would talk to a lawyer. We can't know how these things can play out later.
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Just answer with a letter stating that because they were not a part of her life while being 5 mins. away from her, she is being cared for well, and there will be no other updates from you. No, you do not owe them anything...
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The house has been sold and there's a pot of money she wants to control. And she's figured out that assisted living is going to eat up a bunch of the money. As your mom is safe and cared for at the AL, I can't imagine a judge deeming guardianship necessary.
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Denverfan, interesting that your sister is interested in guardianship now that the "hands on" work is done by staff at the AL, and not when mom was living in your home.

I would mention that to any staff you might be friendly with at the AL, they know because they have seen it all which adult child is the caregiver and which is the do nothing sibling.

My guess she is bluffing and talking out of her a**. This would cost her money.

Your mother has a lawyer? I would run this by them.

Clearly, this all because the house was sold.
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First your sister will have to convince a court that your mother needs a guardian. Since Mother is functioning quite happily in an assisted living facility, it is hard to imagine that Sis can prove Mother is incapable of making her own decisions. Courts are not happy to revoke someone's independent status. How will Sis find doctors who will testify that Mother is incompetent in the legal sense?

Let us hope that when Sis contacts a lawyer (if this isn't an idle threat) she will learn that this isn't simply a matter of asking for guardianship and getting it, and that it will cost her money to proceed and that she'll drop the idea.

If she does file, get a lawyer to help you fight it. Come back here for more advice at that time. But I wouldn't worry too much about it right now.
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Ugh! - that text is a bit of a heart-sink. Daft. Any chance she's bluffing? Can you call her up and tell her to stop being an idiot?

Big question: why on earth would she want to? It can't be the money - unless she doesn't know quite how expensive both the legal processes and your mother's care actually are. Without knowing her my guess would be rather that you've taken the shiny toy and she's decided she wants it..?

I'm in the UK with different rules and processes (same aims, though) but there are many on the forum with very detailed knowledge and experience - I'm sure they'll be along in a minute.
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ErniesMum, pamstegma and vstefans, thank you for your very well stated responses, you make me feel empowered! Countrymouse, thank you for your very well stated response and I hear everything you're saying. Yes, to answer your question, my mother's finances are tucked away for her care and I try to keep very accurate records and when I purchase something for her I make certain I am careful what I purchase. I'm frankly just happy to have enough money to take care of her and her needs. Since I posted this question this morning I received a text from the estranged sister saying she is going to apply for guardianship. I'm not that worried about it because we already have everything in place and my mom is very well cared for but I'm curious to know if you have any knowledge in this area. (I am POA and trustee but not guardian)
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As a general rule it is in a mother's best interests to have contact with her children. Your mother has a right to see your sister if she wants to and if your sister ever gets round to shifting her backside. How hard you have to try to achieve that contact is a different matter, and it is also true that since you are responsible for her welfare you are also responsible for protecting her from abuse.

But your mother's money is tucked away safely for her care, your own management of her affairs is thoroughly documented, and your mother is well supervised in her place of residence, yes? So even if one were correct in taking the more jaundiced view of your sister's motives that some posters have, the opportunities your sister would have for abuse are really very limited - you've done a good job of ensuring your mother's safety and quality of life.

I expect your sister did want to know where the money went; and while it's not a noble motive it's not an unreasonable one either. On top of that, it is perfectly possible for her to care about both what happened to the money and at the same time, even vaguely, what has become of your mother. Your sister's feelings towards her are, would you agree, pretty mixed? Which means there are good ones as well as others in there, worth fostering as far as you reasonably can.

So leave a door open for your sister to visit, provide her with information on a need to know basis, and update her when you can be bothered. That way, if there is any possibility for a happy ending in your mother and sister's relationship, you will have facilitated it and that is the best you can do.

But for goodness' sake don't make your sister your problem. She knows where you are and she speaks the language - any time she wants to ask something she can always pick up the phone, can't she?
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