How do you help older adults through fear of death?

are you a person of faith, do you beleive in God, if so then tell the elder the place they go is so beautiful so much more so then here on earth, which I truely beleive, that there is only happiness there and no pain and they will be united with their loved ones who went to heaven before them, God Bless

You might need to do some thinking about death to find the bedrock of your own views on it. Are you comfortable with the idea of death, yourself? I have some experience discussing death with elders, but more with my contemporaries (the over-50 crowd), cousins, and my children. I appreciate the gifts that we were given by our progenitors which endow our current society, I can speak of personality strengths of my own ancestors, talk of the challenges of the historical times in which they lived, console my cousins by acknowledging how our older relatives live on in our own memories, strengths and talents, share my image of how our family is like a strong rope woven of many strands that individually have their start and end, but where one ends, others extend the strength into the future.
I have also shared the concept of "completing a life" with survivors who have great difficulty accepting the imminent passing of their older relatives. For my discussions with my 90-year-old Mother, I turn to thoughts of her parents and siblings, to whom she was deeply connected, and she is always happy to think about them. We talk about their lives, their love, their caring, and the strenth, the fun and the joy each brought to the family.
In the years immediately following my Dad's death and when Mom was rudderless and awash with anxiety, I gave her my perpective on my own mortality: "Oh, yes, I'm going to die, but NOT YET. And until then, I am going to do a whole lot of smiling and laughing."
These are the best I, a rather practical and nerdy person can offer, and it took me over fifty years to come up with these. I hope that others on this forum can provide the poetical, the spiritual, and psychological perspectives that I lack.

i have read from the bible certian passages about what is suppose to happen when you die. My Mothers favorite has to do with the Lord has prepared a room just for her. She likes that one. but she is still concerned about meeting up with my Dad in heaven. they did not have a loving relationship. I have tried to tell her that all the earth bound issues do not exsist in heaven. That seemed to help her.

I agree with all the things written above, and want to add that I think each person needs to be encouraged to find what will help them deal with all our eventual ends. I have found it immensely comforting to read the amazing story of a neurosurgeon:

Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon's Journey into the Afterlife
Eben Alexander III

Might be worth a look on reading. To know a glimpse of what others have found when they've had a near death experience, all th stories share a common thread which is that there is an amazing "learning" (with no necessary work/reading/experience) that is just an instant knowing, and seems to instantly bring different consciousnesses together. Also, a special person somehow connected to you or your family sometimes will greet you on the other side and it is a person you will feel comfortable with. For one person, it was a sister that had died at a younger age that the man had never known in his life.

For some reason the many many stories of near death experiences and what people have experienced (the neurosurgeon's story is especially interesting because he tried to rule out the experience with scientific explanations of his own brain activity during a 10 day coma and actually could not deny that something had actually HAPPENED-- it was not possible for his brain to have had dreams, etc. in the state ofbrain death he was actually in due to an e coli poisoning).

In any event, realizing that everything isn't over when your physical body has had its last moments I think comforts most.

I never had a near-death experience, but I did lose a sister who died at age nine when I was an infant and too young to know her. All my life I have had an inner "knowledge" that she taught me to walk and is waiting for me to join her in the next chapter of living. I am 87 and looking forward to that journey. My faith is carrying me forward.

I think all the above statements are beautiful. For me personally, what comforts me is knowing inside my heart that the Lord Jesus will be waiting for me in Heaven. It may sound really strange, but when I was a teenager I developed this unnatural fear of death. I was so scared of it and what would happen to me when I pass on some day. I'm not quite sure where it came from actually since I was young and healthy. One day, my sister sent me a letter telling me about the love of Jesus Christ, and once I gave myself to Him and asked for His forgiveness, I no longer have that fear of death anymore. I don't know if the people you are helping have a spiritual background, but a relationship with Jesus helped me tremendously. Perhaps, if you too share this same view, you could help them to know Jesus too. There is so much in this life that we don't understand about the next, but reading the Bible helps too. It gives me a sense of calm and peace of mind that nothing else in my life has been able to give me. And, God has definitely helped me through the experience of being a caregiver for such a sick person as my mother-in-law. She has Alzheimer's, so the struggles not only for her but her family as well have been lessened some by the sense of peace I have that comes from God. I hope this helps you.

This is such a personal journey it is hard to know. What may comfort someone may terrify another. From my personal journey I have also read and researched near-death-experiences and they did give me some comfort. I don't know if your Mother is spiritual or religious or agnostic and that makes a big difference in the way we relate to and handle death.

Thank YOU ALL for sharing a topic that has been fermenting in my mind for some time.
Last week, my mother & I attended the funeral of our neighbor's mother [close in age to my mother]. Although she did not know the deceased, she 'emoted' greatly—I know she has tremendous anxiety re: pending death [as do I when I 'allow' myself to think about it…] & this could be further fueled by the fact that she has an identical twin and BOTH of us are [silently] quite anxious about who might pass first. My question: I am agnostic & my mother believes in God…how do I offer comfort when our beliefs are so different w/o feeling I'm 'faking it'?
Dear Enlightening Bug & hadenough, THANK YOU for your suggestions & insight! I have heard of the neurosurgeon's book/story & will get back on the ball re: tracking it down.
Namasté,
Enriched

Hello Enriched, I believe we can still offer comfort even if our beliefs are different, we are still on this journey of life together- no matter what the outcome. If your Mother finds solace in prayer to her God you can join her without feeling like a hypocrite. You are comforting your loved one not changing your beliefs. I hope you get a chance to check out the story of the neurosurgeon. Maybe find a little time for yourself and sit in Barnes and Noble, have a cup of something and read a few chapters. My thoughts are with you, Namaste......

agnostic is just another word for atheist, may God have mercy on your soul, since your mother is God fearing, I would ask someone from a church near you to visit and comfort her and talk to her about heaven, nothing you could say since you do not beleive in God do I feel would be comforting to her

An agnostic is a questioner.

Dear ejbunicorn,
Agnostic is NOT the same as atheist—I urge you to utilize your Google [Webster's] & 'look it up'. In my query, I was seeking support not uneducated criticism that, by definition, is untrue. And yes—there IS something I can say to comfort my mother which is why I am seeking the aforementioned assistance. I have received sterling advice time & time again from more gentle, spiritually generous participants on this site—today included [hadenough], which is why I feel 'safe' sharing very private, very emotional information.
'corn, if you do not have more supportive input, I peacefully request you refrain & reevaluate your actions. I have heard what you have to say & it simply goes not apply—nor could I [respectfully] agree less.
Again—Namasté
[which translates to, 'The Divine in me recognizes, respects & acknowledges the Divine in you…']
Enriched
P.S. hadenough—I have planned on purchasing the book we discussed several months ago when the media release first hit—to me, it is Divine that you floated in so eloquently to remind me.
Peace

I am not an "organized religion" person but rather a spiritual person. I feel there is definitely something after death and I've spoken with my Mom about this. She is fearful of dying but I'm not - and she professes to be a Christian. While I view death as just another adventure, she is fearful so we've had discussions. I believe in being honest about how I feel about it and encourage her to do the same -- totally express herself.

Personally, I am not afraid of dying. What I fear is a painful or suffering death. I believe my mom is the same way. She is a Christian and goes to the service at her care facility. I know she doesn't want to leave her family when the time comes and I and my sibs will have to address that when the time comes. She loves and believes in God and Jesus very much and prays daily. I know she will be comforted having her children with her when the time comes, even if her ALZ is advanced. I believe she will know. Blessings

My brother gave me insight into an aspect of early 20th C Roman Catholic teaching that Mom absorbed, and that I had also in the 1950's but had forgotton or chosen to ignore. Death does not usher us to Heaven unless we are sainthood material. The best of the rest of us spend a longish time in Purgatory and the rest, well you know where they go, and it didn't take much to commit a mortal sin -- missing Mass on Sunday, not fasting from meat on Fridays (prior to 1960's)... He suggested that Mom may be not so much afraid of dying as afraid of being consigned to Hell. BAM. Suddenly, I was back in Sister Charles' Fifth Grade Class, reciting 233 pages of the Catechism from memory. I wonder if this is behind the fear? In anycase, I've made arrangements for the rector of my parish to visit Mom to chat with her and enjoy the garden at Assisted Living as the Spring warms up.

It can be very hard to go through watching someone die.
It always brings up feelings related to, perhaps, loss of someone we love, and, our own inevitable ends.
The person approaching death is on a path no one can change.

It is common for people approaching death to:
---feel loss of autonomy regarding things in their lives;
---have doubts, even with a long life of faith and strong beliefs;
---feel they "might miss something" if they let go and die;
---fear more pain;
---fear the "hell & guilt" stuff that are part of some religious dogma;
---fear evil spirits, devils, or people who died before, who may have caused personal harm, that might continue to harm them.

The best we can do is reassure, re-focus them on beliefs they have held strongly.
IF some of their beliefs generated fears, no matter the source, those can be helped to resolve, by helping the person remember the good, comforting, nurturing teachings they may be forgetting in the moment.

If appropriate to the person, help them remember there are people waiting for them on the other side, who loved them deeply, and will welcome them,
AND, they will be eternally SAFE from any who may have caused them harm in this life.

The person approaching death needs a caregiver to:
---calm fears: hugging, hand-holding, gentle touches, reassuring words, asking them what they fear, discussing that if able--kinda like calming an upset child--you wouldn't necessarily focus on religious dogma while doing that, you would focus on assuring safety, comfort and love.
---assure them their lifetime faith & beliefs still are valid;
---IF they try to use their ordeal as emotional leverage to gain promises from you, the caregiver, to extort "deathbed promises" from you, avoid that, unless you feel you can comply with that promise. If you do not believe you can, then, don't promise, just sidestep into reassuring the elder in other terms.
---assure them they have accomplished good things in this life--it is important they remember there have been good achievements [[sometimes that is a tough call, but find something!]];
---assure them all pain will be gone in the blink of an eye;
---assure them they will see & understand, instantly, far more after death of this old body, than they could while here.
----assure them they will still be in your heart, that LOVE always exists, everywhere. .

Caregiver[s] beliefs are fairly immaterial at these times
--those are not what is going on here;
It IS about the person approaching death, needing supported/comforted/reassured.

A caregiver can be supportive, remind the person what they have believed for a lifetime, reassure, comfort, etc., =without= compromising their own beliefs.

Caregiver, if you have feelings of fear, guilt, or dishonesty:
==what is it exactly, that you do feel, about your beliefs,
in context of comforting and reassuring
a dying person who has different beliefs?
A caregiver who's beliefs differ from the dying person's, is not lying or in any way being false to themselves or to the dying person:
a caregiver being supportive & comforting to a person approaching death,
is showing humane, compassionate behavior,
in ways that are appropriate to the circumstances.

It is common for caregivers, family and friends, to feel guilts, fears, sadness, and other feelings, when experiencing a dying person.
But those are more about the living--only the individual can look inside themselves, acknowledge their own feelings;
---each person learns as they can, to resolve those upsetting feeling---it is a good time to read, get counseling, guidance, support group, etc..

If the dying person has not specified what ceremonies they want, once they die, the caregivers, family, friends can form a ceremony meaningful to themselves. Ceremonies are for the living, to help gain closure, work through grief and loss, process feelings.
In being supportive of the person approaching death, we are also being supportive of ourselves.
Compassion works both ways and is entirely non-denominational!

if you question God it is the same thing as not beleiving or having faith, your mother is a women of God and would be helped better by someone That beleives in God. will pray your eyes will be opened before it is to late

Enriched: get out of your own way and be there for your Mother. Being an agnostic, you must have knowledge of God/a higher power to have arrived at your belief.
It's not about you, it's about her. Yes, if you have to fake it, or pretend, just think of comforting your Mother. Whatever it takes.
You never know when you may be struck with enlightenment, and if by chance you arrive at believing one day after your Mother passes, you will not have any regrets. Please try to mirror her beliefs for HER comfort, and one day someone may do the same for you, out of respect. Take care:)

Unicorn, ugh! Not helpful. Agnostic is not atheist BTW, atheist generally implies you are convinced there is no God, with varying degree of certainty, and agnositc may mean that you believe there is not a way to know...it may be a rejection of Faith as a valid way to know, but not necessarily of God and not of the possibility of God. Now, I am Catholic and I work to cultivate my trust that what awaits will all be good, including Purgatory, but I think none of us know exactly what it will be like. A person who is honestly searching for truth is not to be condemned (look up the great prayer for all people in Vaticn II) and the comfort of a daughter helping processing of a person's contribution to life, the memories they have had, the relationship that endures. and many other things don't require said daughter to believe a certain way. And theologically speaking, we are all in direct need of mercy on our souls, including you and me both!!

vstefans - you are getting an Amen from me regarding inclusion. We cannot hide who we are from our own parents. My Mother used to tell me how intelligent her daughter (me) is when she thought I was her hired caregiver and she had a low-level infection that was influencing her mental status. She knows me and the kind of discussions we've have over the past 60 years. She knows I have my questions and she would know if I was faking it. And I know her. I seek to understand what she is expressing, beyond the obvious content of her words, and I seek common ground in our discussions that allows me to be genuine. A lot of thought goes into this, and my Mom knows that when we lock eyes, she is safe with me.

One is fortunate to have parents who know or care if you are being genuine and declare their own faith or beliefs. Some individuals are in denial. I suppose my answer to be there for her Mother to comfort her comes from my personal experience, and that was not fair for me to say that. Only if the shoe fits, that is.
My Mother feared death, refused to discuss any type of belief system but ridiculed mine. I have no idea what she or my 3 siblings believe, but that is a familial behavior, including their emotional unavailability. Difficult family. No alliances. I'm the one who communicates, has faith, is the caregiver, works.
About 30 years ago I tried to have a discussion with my Mother of some depth, and it was met with a vacant stare, then a defensive, angry "oh, I don't know!
I gave up, and realized I could never have a meaningful exchange with her.
I do not advocate being phony, just offering comfort in whatever way works for a fearful elder. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut:) Sorry. xo

No, don't keep your mouth shut. I appreciate other perspectives -- it pushes me to re-examine positions that I've had for a while but may need to update. I lived close by my parents for the last thirty years and had very frequent contacts. My developing position regarding almost anything was revealed to them drip by drip in hundreds of conversations and comments. Nothing too shocking. They had decades to take it all in, but what they do know is my personality. Ours was not an idyllic family, but know I realize that it was a REAL family, where people did not hide themselves, and sometimes, other members would have wished they did hide some bits and pieces. Mom trusts me. I have to factor that in to how I handle things.

LOL Susan! Yes, my family wished forever I would shut up and not reveal/point out the truthes and secrets! I called it "holding up the big mirror." I think what got my expectations up as a child was watching Leave it to Beaver and Lucy. I watched transfixed as Mrs. Cleaver gave warm corrections to Theodore. We had more the Joan Crawford experience, just no wire hangers. I should be thankful, huh? Lol xo

I just lost my Mom in January and I believe by divine intervention Eben Alexander's book "Proof of Heaven" came into my hands. His story is so compelling, especially for people who just can't bring themselves to believe in an afterlife. The promise of infinite love and beauty awaiting us is the most comforting thought that chases all my fears of dying away.

Isn't it amazing how the most cruel and judgmental words come out of the mouths of people professing to believe in a loving God? Well I'm not sure how things got twisted for them, but I want people to know that they don't stand for the Jesus I know.

From what I understand, an agnostic neither believe nor disbelieves, because he or she finds it impossible to be proven. The agnostics I have known personally would be willing to believe if there were proof. Remember doubting Thomas? I wonder where he'd be if Jesus had not walked into the room and offered him his side to touch. Hey, we are all human you know, and we were Created as such. With Minds of our own. God didn't want little robots. I've questioned God. I have had really angry years with Him, and I mean REALLY angry ones. Anyone who hasn't struggled with God at some point, hasn't given him/herself over to an honest relationship and is just being a yes man. Because in any relationship there are occasional struggles and doubts, angers and fears. Only one of you is perfect you know. For sure it ain't me!

Anyways . . . I really really liked what Chimonger had to say. I am shocked that she doesn't have something like 100 thumbs up on "Helpful Answer", because she Nailed it!

Our job is to be compassionate and loving and provide security to someone who is fearful. This is about them and never about us, ESPECIALLY when they are left cognitively impaired by dementia or Alzheimer's. It's not the time for proselytizing or judgments, it's a time for loving. If you had a frightened two year old run screaming into your bedroom after a scary nightmare, would you tuck her back into bed and tell her that Yes, there ARE big bad scary monsters in the world?!! NO, Of course not! What you do is give love and reassurance, because it's not about what you know or feel, it's about someone else and their need to feel comforted.