I'm at work right now on the verge of tears but here it goes. I'm a 57 yo only child trying to take care of my 98 yo mother who lives in a senior apartment complex (this is not assisted living and is for low-income seniors). I read so many articles about people who have siblings basically on their own taking care of someone. I work a full-time position as a police dispatch supervisor, so my work life is stressful. My husband tries the best he can to cover what I can't but picking up soiled underwear and Depends, cooking meals and trying to clean poop off the toilet isn't at all what he is comfortable with. I don't blame him at all. He is my rock and I'm not sure where I would be without him. Over the past few months, her memory as well as her ability to take care of herself has plummeted. This morning, she called me at 7:30am wondering if I forgot to bring her dinner. My mom was so organized and on top of things until around 6 months ago, it is just breaking my heart to see her go down. As an only, my father (who died in 1988) drilled it into my head that the only person I could depend on was myself - it is EXTREMELY hard for me to ask for help. I don't even know where to begin - I will say for someone so organized, my mom didn't like facing unpleasantness. She never wanted to talk about death or dying and when she found that her mom had passed away after falling asleep in her own bed at 99 she was shocked. I have learned this behavior from her. I just want to hide under a rock, and I can't do that since it is falling on me to make decisions. She is on Medicare and a supplemental insurance through AARP. I know she needs assistance - her doctor has not diagnosed her with dementia or any other issues except for "age-appropriate decline". Really?? I have horrendous anxiety and I feel like I'm being strangled, drowning and suffocating all at once and I know I don't have it a fraction as bad as some people. Any encouraging words, direction, or advice would be appreciated so much.
You need to tell your mother HONESTLY and have your husband at your side that you cannot continue to support her in home. She is 98 and needs now to go into care and you will help her to do so. You have your own life to live and you need to live it. I would never allow my daughter to be in your position. NEVER. She is several states away from me and that's where she should be!
Please do not throw your own life onto the burning funeral pyre of your mother.
It will not help her and it will not help you.
Stop enabling your mother to deny the care she needs.
Sit down and tell her you will not continue to do this but you WILL help her to move into care. THEN DO THAT.
This is up to you. You are going to have to have the COURAGE to make the RIGHT CHOICE for yourself and your husband and your job and your life. No one can give you a pill marked courage. No one can give you an infusion of courage.
SIT DOWN AND BE HONEST WITH YOUR MOTHER NOW. Do it with your husband.
Or make the wrong choice and accept that it is YOUR CHOICE.
I wish you the very best. Truly I do. But short of being brutal in attempting to shake you up here, it would be unfair to sympathize. You MUST ACT FOR YOURSELF. No one else can.
Time to move her into AL or MC, she can no longer live on her own you are not being fair to her or your husband by continuing this fantasy.
Sending support your way.
And those that aren't, shouldnt be doing it, they will not have the patients need.
It sounds to me like you have done a lot already, and have done the best you can do
Move her into a facility and you can still help just by bringing her things, talking her out, calling her. ECT...
1. ASKING for help
2.ACCEPTING help.
Asking and accepting help does not mean that you are failing in your role as a caregiver and as a daughter. What it means is you have realized that you can't do this alone. That takes true strength. It also means that you realize that there are people that are more equipped to care for mom.
You need to talk to someone that can help you apply for Medicaid for her so that if you need to place her in Memory Care or Assisted Living that can happen more easily.
The other thing to do is determine if she qualifies for any help.
Is she a Veteran? Was her husband a Veteran? If so the VA may have programs that can help. Contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission. Their services are free.
Contact her local Senior Service Center and see if there are programs that she may qualify for. It is amazing the programs and help there is you have to do a little digging. .
Depending on her other medical conditions she may qualify for Hospice. If so she would have a Nurse that would come 1 time a week, m ore often if needed. A CNA would come at least 2 times a week to help with a bath or shower and order supplies. And a Volunteer could be requested and a Volunteer would come and sit with mom for a few hours 1 time a week. The volunteer can not do "hands on care".
Do you have POA? Are you able to make decisions for her? You mention her doctor has not diagnosed her with dementia so if she is cognizant it would be a good idea to get the papers in order that you may need later.
Take a deep breath.
You are doing what you can for your mom.
If you are making choices that are in her best interest that is all you can expect of yourself.
Everything would get checked out. My mom would get admitted and tests done. I would tell them all her issues.
Your mom has good insurance. She needs to have home health and therapy if she is well enough to return home. If you take her and rehab is suggested, pick out a good one near you where she could stay in case she can’t return home on her own after regaining her strength.
Since she is in a low income apartment, I assume she would qualify for Medicaid but NY has different rules, each state does,