The last 3 weeks have been the hardest on myself and mother- I have 2 brothers but sorry to say that I have to also manage them if I want any help from them. We can have that chat another time.
So mom had a boyfriend- who fought me all the way on wanting to get her on medicaid, wanted her to get rid of me as POA and each time he visited it was to grill her about where she would be when she was herself again. All the while dealing with his own cancer AML which my mom and I held him up during all the treatments over the last few years. Her SS went to their joint account and twice he took her money. At the start of March he was admitted for Bone Marrow transplant- on the 23rd her SS funds hit the account and he took it. I had her tell him to return it. Arguement and she hung up. I told his daughter that was the end of the relationship- no matter how well my Mom gets she is not going back to him or the house. He screwed her out of her half of the house by lying about having her on the deed and that his attorney never filed it. So we plan to remove her from the house. A week or so later he died from complications of the transplant. And during that same week what we hoped for NPH as diagnosis from Neurosurgeon turned into, it's doubtful- there is brain atrophy and clearly neurological issues with my mom left side. He feels it's Alzheimer's. Exacerbated by the fall & trauma in Nov. She is a complete wreck. Slipped backwards in her abilities and I feel helpless.
I know the grief process is her own journey, as well for me too. What/where can I turn for more support for us? It's obviously not going to be from my siblings.
Isn't mom in a NH setting now? Are you talking about hiring a CNA to tend her there, or are you thinking about bringing her home?
If mom has dementia, that is a progressive disease. It gets worse. You indicate that she is already at times incontinent of bowel. Are you going to be doing her intimate hands on care?
You will destroy your back transferring her unless you get a Hoyer lift and training in how to use it.
Is your home set up to be handicap accessible for her?
Will you be able to earn a living while caregiving? Have relationships? Take vacations?
Please think very carefully before doing this.
and for all replying to me- THANKS.
Mom is medicaid approved, in NH but there is a shortage of staff, having the aid a few hours during the day (my expense) has been very helpful in getting MOM to keep moving, doing in bed exercises and having someone else to talk to besides me.
My Mom and our family all know that if she requires 24 hour care that leaving the NH won't be possible- I love my mom but I know that I cannot stop living to care for her full time. With the Aid I am able to make sure I keep my job & some breathing room for myself. Mom can assist in transfer from chair to bed, bed to chair now- she improved from having to use the lift. So we have made some good progress just not sure where the complete recovery will be and the feeling that i am doing this solo weighs on me as proof by my complaint here.
I try to focus more on what I CAN do.
Today was a tipping point- mostly I am angry with the deceased as I helped him with his treatment these last 2 years more than his own children and he was a complete a****** in the end. I feel used and betrayed.
Lots to sort out internally for me too.
Sometimes I just feel less alone when my community here lets me know, I'm not crazy!
It would be helpful to know how old your mom is and what her financial situation is... who would be paying for this extra help? I'm hoping it's not you, as this robs your own future. It's heroic, but not sustainable. Have you tried to apply for Medicaid for your mom? Because of the financial shenanigans of her BF, I'd talk to a Medicaid Planner for your state to see if and when she'd qualify. It would be an important safety net for you both to have.
Your siblings aren't obligated to care for your mom, and you can't control what they do, so you will need to come to peace with this. I'm assuming you're the only PoA for your mom? I hope so if you're providing all her care and management.
You can also look into Adult Day care in her area. Some churches even have programs that cost less. Her local area Agency on Aging can connect you to other resources for aging in-home services. You can call social services to see if your mom qualifes for some in-home services from the county, like light housekeeping, hygiene, and food prep.
I wish you much success in getting the help you both need!
If need be, file a police report 1st and submit a copy of that with the demand letter/bill to return her funds from his estate.
I would check into seeing an attorney pronto, to find out if she has a claim to part of the house, deed or not.
Call your counsel on aging and ask them for resources. They have all kinds of them available. From legal aid to departments that offer services free or reduced costs.
What a lot on your plate. Try to take it day at a time but will help your organization to know the health care directives and POA are in place. Then know you must understand your duties to keep records and diaries of all expenditures regarding your Mom.
So number one, try this week to do the attorney thing. Find out if there is reasonable hope of recourse on deed of home thing (as it is hearsay her word only and he is gone it is unlikely; know that) and if money was in JOINT account then he had as much right to withdraw whatever he wanted out of it "legally" as she did, so likely little recourse there as well, but you need to KNOW. Then get the documents in order and the files started.
From there you are looking at diagnosis, safety, how much you can do of 24/7 in home care (for me the answer would be none, so there you are). You may have decisions with Mom about placement.
Try to take it a day at a time. When my brother fell ill that was hard for my normally anxious personality to do. I tried to think ahead and plan ahead and so much of it was treading a lot of water I never needed to jump into.
My heart goes out to you. Wishing you the best. Hoping you will update us.
Forget about the siblings. Hope, but don't push. Feel free to write a note "Is there anything you can do to help us. A casserole or a grocery trip and a few bags of groceries would help; would appreciate ANY SMALL THING you can do to help us while we negotiate this new world. But you already know kind of what to expect.
Best to you.
That's why an attorney is needed pronto.
The house, deeds are filed at the courthouse. Check to see if he was lying to Mom that he never had her put on the deed. If she is, you maybe able to force the sale of the house.
Another lesson for us members. Never co-mingle your money with someone ur living with. As Judy says, the law only protects those who are married. Me, don't think I would do it if I remarried.
Now boyfriend is gone, one less thing to worry about. Hiring an aide sounds good. Gives you time to yourself. Tell us a little more about Moms needs at this point. What she can and can't do for herself. Age would help.
Unfortunately we could see the lie about the deed and his will was read on Thursday with mom cut out of all she was promised.
Mom is battling staph infection in her total replacement knee (5 yrs old). This is the big hurdle right now. She has no bowel control and is in adult diapers.
Only in the month of March was she able to start trying to walk again.
Will need the infection done before PT and I discuss getting back to work.
Take care; if mom becomes depressed by all this stuff that's going on, make sure the NH gets a geriatric psychiatrist to pay her a visit.
Dementia (aka, broken brain) changes brain chemistry--depression is common; given the betrayal, your mom has even more reason for feeling hopeless and helpless, which can impede recovery.