Parent feeling lonely. Suggestions?

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Parent feeling lonely. Suggestions?

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Mum has lost contact with a lot of her friends since developing dementia. Partly as technology was hard enough for her already pre-dementia let alone now. I barely have time between working full time and caring for her to also engage her in social activity with her friends. We sometimes log on to her Facebook, comment on posts, post some pictures but that’s about it. She has not told any of her friends about her memory problem although I’m sure most suspect it. Should I be calling her friends and telling them and kindly asking them to perhaps give Mum a call once a week? It would mean the world to Mum if they made some contact. She may no longer be able to keep up with social gatherings etc but I know she’d love to hear from them! They were a large part of her life. Thinking to the future,..If it were my best friend and she had dementia, I’d still be calling her even if the conversations weren’t exactly the same. Even if she asked the same thing on occasions.

Do I tell her friends in the hope they’ll make some effort? Or do I respect mums wishes not to tell them and have her feeling lonely?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Loneliness Relationships

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Having her friends call her is a wonderful idea. That idea has a better chance to succeed if you give them some tips on what works for your mom. My mom has better memories of the past and enjoys listening to someone talk about what they are doing. So her friends know it is not going to be a typical conversation, I let them know what I do. I call mom and ask her how she is doing. I look at facebook and tell her what her friends are doing. We FaceTime so it is nice to show her the pictures of her friends on my end of the phone from my tablet. I sometimes ask, I think she lives in NC or at the beach and mom has a chance to recall accurately this memory. That is nice for her to feel engaged. I tell her what I am up to which is usually boring daily stuff but I leave out the things she cannot do (cook, laundry, drive somewhere). I talk about a person we know that needs prayers or is on my heart to pray for and I pray with mom. If any of her friends wants to take her to lunch, I suggest they look at the menu and pick 2 things that mom will like so she can choose (coconut or garlic shrimp or ahi tuna or a vegetarian flatbread) and sweet tea. If they don’t; she will order what they order and then give it to them saying she isn’t hungry. Mom doesn’t comprehend what she reads and has a hard time reading. I also ask whoever picks her up to say, “let me comb the hair on the back of your head”. Mom cannot reach that far. This has led to very successful interactions that last more than a couple of minutes. Mom enjoys herself, friends know what to expect and interact and she isn’t uncomfortable with her lack of recall. Old memories are the best to bring up but the friend needs to bring up subjects. Mom loves listening and does a little talking but finding words is hard for her. :)

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Sounds very similar, even the hair combing. I’m always fixing the very back before we head out as she always brushes from just the sides. And yes the old memories are definitely stronger :)

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I would tell two or three close friends and mention that they may have to carry the conversation and prompt your mother. My mother has now forgotten how to use a phone and I’ll sometimes let her best friend know we are going to call and then I’ll dial the number and let my mother talk. Her friend is very patient and tries to encourage the conversation. You’re doing a great job and your mom is blessed to have such a caring daughter.

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I would ask people to call but, I would encourage mom to call them as well. ALL one-way streets eventually come to a dead end and friendship is a two way exchange. If she isn't putting any effort in to staying connected, her friends will drift off.

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Yes I’d be ok with that as well but I’d really like to give them a heads up to avoid them approaching the topic out of the blue which happened with one person.

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I think this is ok. All the family gets busy with their lives and our family is increasingly on social channels but my Mom cannot do this. We tried facebook, instagram but she does not get it. She can do skype with me. She can answer the phone, so asking the cousins and children to call her once in a while means the world to her. We all forget that everyone cannot see technology. Honestly, write a letter or send a card in the mail is also welcome, takes a few minutes, and does not cost a lot.

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This is probably along the lines of other suggestions, but there is no need to use the word ‘dementia’. It is perfectly normal to have ‘memory problems’ as we get older (eg where did I put those spare keys?), and you can leave it up to the friend to work out how difficult things are. I’d call a friend and say something like ‘Mum is having memory problems, and she’s really embarrassed about it. She’d love to hear from you, but I can’t get her to phone. If you could manage sometime to give her a call about old times, it would be really kind if you could just skate over anything she seems to have forgotten’.

If the first one goes well, you can try for more callers. Worth a go?

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I know you want to protect her but, maybe she would be better served having friends help her face that she has some deficiencies.

Getting upset and hurt isn't the end of the world and if she knows it would be easier for her to face the facts with people that love her.

I have seen that those that acknowledge they are forgetting are way easier to deal with then the ones that pretend all is well.

Just my opinion. I do know that you don't have the right to tell something she has specifically said not to. It can be said without saying it.

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Yes, things are definitely harder when one does not admit to it. It’s also the reason I was more prepared when my brother (her son) passed away. She had never accepted he was sick whereas I’d read up on it all. He had a heart condition and COPD. Ended up getting pneumonia and that was too much for the heart and lungs. When it happened, Mum could not understand and this was pre-dementia. I know some people have a theory of when they admit to something, then you’re submitting to it and unfortunately that’s my Mum. Mum hasn’t per say told me not to say it to her friends but because she hasn’t admitted it to herself, her reaction is “why would we say that”.
But yes I don’t think I’d have to go into details before her friends picked up on it. Main reason I’d like to say it is to avoid one of them bluntly asking/commenting about it as it happened with one friend. Because it seems Mum would like them to also act like all is well.

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I would definitely let all her friends know that mom is lonely and stop at that, not necessary to go on to details.
Let them know you would appreciate it if the friends could call her and even drop by for a visit..

You can let them know mom isn't great with Facebook that you help her with that.

But mom would love calls and visits.

See if one of her friends can come to visit once a week. If she has 4 friends, have them schedule one time weekly visits every month and mom will end up with a visit every week.

Arange for a monthly get to get her for a couple hrs. Movie Night with Pizza or a Craft Night, ect.
If you don't have time for that, hire a Sitter to come in for 4 hrs to play Hostess.

See if there is a free day care that mom can go to to make new friends.

Check with a local Church regarding Senior Activities and check with Local Senior places that may have a Bingo Night.

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Yes, you should tell her friends. Be prepared though…they will probably dwindle away. That’s what I’ve found with my husbands friends.

His best friend, I was very disappointed at when I realized he hasn’t been in touch, but then I found out something…his best friends wife was recently diagnosed with dementia. So, yes, they may dwindle away, but that’s mostly because life needs to be handled, not because they weren’t true friends.

Do what little things you can, like FB and such to keep her engaged. You are already her line between herself and the outside world, and she may not be able to say it, but she is very grateful for you.

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Yes I think that's a great idea to alert them of your mom's health condition so that they know, and so that they make more of an effort to reach out to her. She may not want them to know, but maybe you can tell them that too. That way they'll be able to know, but won't bring it up to her.

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Yes I’m thinking then they’d perhaps be a bit more mindful and not expect as much. I wouldn’t have to tell them all the details just that she has some struggles and it’s a sensitive topic. I know she misses them

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She has dementia and people know and sense it and quite frankly, most want no part of it or simply don't know how to deal with it and off they go - and I don't blame them. I personally would give it one good shot. Call her friends and explain the dementia, the loneliness and what a call would mean. You might get one or two to call occasionally but don't count on it. It is what happens when people develop problems - been there, done that. So, while I can't walk, and live in assisted living surrounded by dementia people, i am very high functioning and very lonely so I made up my mind to take on the task of living my life to the fullest every day - BY MYSELF - and I do great at it. I don't know what else to tell you.

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And those that dwindle away are often frightened by the prospect that it could be Them next, so hard to consider/face but it does seem to work that way. Even 'wild' animals leave behind the 'disabled' individual even if past bonds were very deep; we have to help people reach deep to be kindly toward old friends.

Parent feeling lonely. Suggestions?

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