It was years to convince them to move. We found an AL 2 hours away and got them moved. They refuse to participate in activities. It's 3 meals and otherwise sitting in chairs. We visit once a week and call frequently. Dad expects me to handle everything even though he is of sound mind. Mom not so much. Husband is 68 and does physical work. He needs to retire. My parents have been retired since their late 50's. We planned to sell our home and move but feel this guilt at leaving them. My brother lives far away and barely calls. We just set up our own plan with an elder law attorney so our child and spouse do not have to deal with this. I do have POA's. I think we need to set a date to retire and move. Guilt is our issue though we have done everything possible to make them happy.
Consider shifting the weekly visits to biweekly and then every third week and then once a month.
Once a week is too far for a 4 hour round trip drive there plus time there.
My boyfriend's Mom is 90 in PA. We live in Florida. We visit every 3 months.
Mom was under care in a different state. I visited every 6-8 weeks and once didn't visit for 12 weeks which was wonderful.
I'd plan some vacations for just you and your husband. Consider a cruise or a river cruise.
You have done a good job selling the parents house and downsizing the parents which is a monumental job.
Continue with your plans to build the southern retirement house. A lot can happen in 2 years.
Pay all of parents bills on line.
Get doctor access for all doctors in the doctor portals.
It is not on you to make parents happy. There are activities where they live. If they choose to just sit in chairs that is their choice.
A lot of seniors are in different areas from their kids.
Long term down the road you might need to transfer them to an A/L in your new area after your house is built but I would put that way out of your mind for now and not give it a thought.
I am a senior and just had two different friends relocate to where their kids live.
Good morning all....
You are not going to change them at this point. If they chose not to participate that is on them, If they want to sit in their chairs and watch TV that is their choice.
You have to continue with the plans that you have made. Sell your house and move.
So your weekly visit turns into a visit once a month.
Many people don't see their parents that often...maybe once every 6 months some once a year.
I do not see why you should feel "guilty". YOU can not "make them happy"
What you can do is make sure you and your husband spend some quality time together while you can. You never know what is in store...I wish I had that time with my Husband...he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at about the time I retired and I spent the next 12 years caring for the man while we should have been taking the trips we had always talked about taking.
Retire...sell the house...do what you have wanted to do.
If you have had a major input into their lives for many many years, why would they think it will stop now? Perhaps this is a situation where sessions with a counselor could really help. It’s going to be hard to convince them to take responsibility for their own ‘reason to live’, and a third party to talk it through might help. Perhaps the AL might have a reputable (“tame?”) counselor who can help them to see that they now need to put their own lives first, and make the best of what they now have.
Just remember that you can always walk away. You don’t have to pick up on “guilt”, whether or not you have done anything “wrong” in the past.
We just took a long vacation and they survived. We are actually moving them an hour closer in the next month as an opening just happened at another AL facility. I have kept in touch with the administrator which paid off. They will be in a town that I do go to at least once a week, so that will be easier.
Our house is the best one we have ever lived in. Hubby just wants to spend a few years here (and deserves that) after he retires. Our plan to move south is not unknown, though we haven't spoken about it since they moved into AL.
They are tired of being old I suppose and almost all their friends have passed. We will not abandon them, goodness gracious, but just may not be as close geographically as we have been. We are not in need of therapy! We are busy and productive and happy, it's just nearing retirement time and we are intense planners. Thanks for your thoughts.
It’s very hard not to feel guilty but try to let go of it. This situation is not your fault.
Your staying around is not going to make them any happier. Old age is not a happy time.
Good luck to you. And your husband.
Tour bus type trips are pretty popular for young and old ( fun and enjoyable too)
Once hubby retires in the next 12-15 months the clock will start ticking on the move. We plan to spend a year or two enjoying our northern home and then building a southern home. There will be no going back once he retires and the plan has to be executed. A lot can happen in that time... We hope to have the strength to get it done.
Again, thank you for the thoughts and ideas and most of all, encouragement. I am in agreement with you all and have never lacked the guts to do the hard things - except this. It is very final in many ways.
AND, please say “NO” to the guilt. My dad moved in with us right after my mom died (cancer diagnosis, covid still prevalent and facilities on no-access, finances, etc). Since then he has suffered so many health issues, losses of additional loved ones (including my younger brother-completely unexpectedly), decline in all senses and mobility and fine motor, etc etc etc. Although I have gone crazy trying to be a good companion to him while my husband was at work, find activities and opportunities for socializing, taken him all over, etc—he is still unhappy. It’s taken me almost six years of guilty feelings and sleepless nights and praying my heart out to realize I have no control over this. I am not God and don’t have the ability to return his old life to him. I cannot replace his losses. Like Daughterof1930 said, sometimes all that life pushes on us makes it just too hard to rekindle the joy when you are old and tired. All we can do is what we can do as loved ones (And you have! My dad would have really benefited from AL, health issues and finances just got in the way until it was too late. Now more LTC stage.). Trust that now it is up to them to live as they will. Respect that that is their choice. We cannot make our parents (or spouses, friends, kids, etc for that matter), think and feel and respond and live the way we expect, dream, hope, desire them to. Hopefully they will adjust and accept and find things to enjoy in their new place. Please don’t carry any guilt or negative feelings with you. Blessings to you and your husband!
Consider what long distance careers do-they hire an additional aide to check on them, encourage them to go to activities-even go with them, drive them places etc.
It can be accomplished.
Since you will be 1500 miles away, don't spend any thought time on guilt,
you will be too busy planning your and your husband's life!
Congratulations on your impending move!
When your parents were lucky enough to retire in their 50's, were they spending their retirement years taking care of their elderly parents? I doubt it.
What exactly were they doing so "exciting" at their home before going to the AL? It is their choice to not participate in the activities.
You need to plan YOUR retirement now. You have already spent enough time and energy on your aging parents. You aren't going to get the time you spent babysitting your Parents back! If they get upset, remind them they got to retire early and enjoyed many free years to do what they wanted (until they got too old).
Now it's your turn. You cannot prevent them from getting old. None of it is your fault, so why feel guilty? They are is a safe place with all they really need.