Has anyone had to find a place for their aging parents who need 2 very different things?
Context: I moved away from my life in CA, in with my parents in NY to take care of them 5 years ago. They both had cancer and mom had dementia kicking in. I had been single for almost 10 years and always felt obligated to my parents, so I kind of resigned myself to just having to take care of them for the rest of their lives. Makes me so sad to say that, but it’s true.
When COVID hit, my parents decided to sell their house and we would all move back to CA. It was a huge deal for them to move. Unfortunately for me, it turns out it wasn’t so much CA that I loved, it was the independence. I used to feel relieved when I got off the plane here. Now it’s the opposite and I’m really struggling.
Since moving back in Feb, a few things have happened. In April, I rekindled a relationship I was in 16 years ago. I never thought I would date anyone ever again or anything, but things are going very well and I’m extremely happy when we are together. The problem is: he’s in Austin, TX.
I have been visiting once every 4-6 weeks because my job can travel with me and my father has really stepped up! He is 81 but thriving. Mentally there, physically in very good shape. He isn’t into sports or golf or anything, just hanging out at the bar 7 nights a week with a young crowd. He is extremely social and loves attention. He now does most of the care for my mom and even takes care of the pets while I’m out of town every month.
Truly, he doesn’t need me at all!
my mom, on the other hand, would need to be in assisted living if he wasn’t around. She just follows my dad everywhere. She has horrible balance, but refuses to use a walker or chair or cane even though they’re everywhere. She falls a lot and has serious memory problems. She bathes and toilets herself, but does have incontinence issues that seem to be getting worse. She is an alcoholic who has hit what we would all consider rock bottom multiple times, but the dementia makes her “forget” what has happened, so we have long given up attempting to get her to stop drinking.
Her and I have a very strained relationship especially since I have become her caregiver. She does not want to accept that she has any limitations at all, period.
I have officially reached empty on my tank with her and I would like to try to move to Austin eventually to be close to my boyfriend. I just miss being their daughter and not their nurse, housekeeper, babysitter. I have so much guilt about the idea of moving away from them, especially since they moved to CA “for me”, but I am so stressed it’s making me sick at this point and I just want my own life back. I want to be able to start a family and I’m 36 so time is kind of ticking.
that’s pretty much the back story. So I’ve been looking into places like FL because they love FL and have friends who already visit there a few times a year. Somewhere like The Villages, FL or similar where life is geared toward older people, but still is basically a party town because my parents would never ever want to move somewhere that seemed like it was for old people, even at 74 and 81. Somewhere that would have IL/AL/MC basically next door to the restaurants and live entertainment, etc for my dad. Also somewhere that things like IL/AL/MC isn’t 6-10k a month! We will all be bankrupt in 2 seconds!
Convincing them to go is going to be a whole other battle, because when I said I couldn’t live with them forever and was considering an eventual move to Austin, my father said it would “really depress my mom”, though tbh I think she would be happier. I think he was majorly projecting there.
Thanks for any replies. I’ve been struggling with this for so long I really need to hear from others who struggle with this type of thing. ❤️
- are you DPoA for your parents?
- do you have any other siblings?
Next, some practical observations:
- your mom has progressing dementia and balance/other medical issues due to her alcoholism and general decline. She is 1 fall or stroke away from needing LTC.
- your dad is 81. He's fine *right now* -- until he's not. And that can literally change overnight as well.
- you are not morally or ethically obligated to be their care plan or provider.
- 36 is too young for anyone to be caregiving 2 people in any capacity.
If you are not their PoA and they aren't interested in assigning you, then let them choose where to live with the express understanding (called a "boundary") that you won't be coming to their rescue on any long-term, permanent basis OR paying for ANY of their care.
If you are their DPoA and you are still willing to carry out this responsibility, I would move them close to you (and again -- you are NOT to be paying for any of the move or support or care because it's simply unsustainable). It doesn't matter that they won't/don't like it. The caregiving arrangement must work for both parties: the receiver and the giver, or it's not working all. It cannot be onerous to you in any way because you *will* burn out or go broke or both.
Whatever the next move is, it should be thought of as their last one. Moving is expensive, exhausting and disruptive. FYI regarding Florida: I have 2 ancient turtle LOs there (on the southeast coast) and every year hurricane season gets more and more stressful since they are still in their own home and are 99 (with adv dementia) and 102 (can barely walk). I worry about how I'm going to protect them from my home state (MN) if their aids and everyone is evacuating and I can't fly down there because flights are cancelled. This is a real thing in FL. The elderly are screwed if they don't have family down there to help them during those emergencies, which are frequent enough.
One more thing: your dad is "hanging out at the bar 7 nights a week"? Perhaps he's an alcoholic too, just higher functioning than your mom. How would you know if he starting having dementia if he were in FL? Your mom certainly wouldn't be able to recognize it or tell you. Trying to care for 2 incapacitated alcoholics would be an unmitigated poop show for you. There's no perfect options here...just what makes the inevitable "easier" to deal with. May you gain wisdom and receive peace in your heart.
2. I don't really have any siblings. My father has a daughter from a previous marriage back in England where he was from, but she is in her late 50s and is very disabled herself and has grandchildren so she can't help me with him. I am my mom's only child.
"She is 1 fall or stroke away from needing LTC." I say this ALL the time to them and they both just sorta "yeah, yeah, yeah" me.
This business about hurricanes and evacuations is really good to know! Do your LOs live on a coast or inland?
My father is from England and I think he just grew up in such a pub culture that he's just used to the idea that you just go to the pub every day, even if you don't really drink much. He only drinks about 2 light beers at the end of the day and never drinks at home. To me, that's not an alcoholic, but I understand that a lot of people don't really drink much at all so they think every day drinking is alcoholism right away. I def agree that he is enabling my mom for sure, and I've said as such to him, but that's all I can do.
The point you made about how would mom recognize if he was having dementia symptoms really stuck with me. Its SO frustrating to be in this situation! If something happened to my dad, a medical emergency or something, my mom has her wits about her enough to be able to call 911, but dementia I think would go over her head. For now. Like you said, he's 81. He's functioning great *for now*, but that could change overnight.
If they lived in FL, I would have to be making regular phone calls and visits to keep up with everything and make sure they were safe. But that feels a lot more manageable to me than what we have now. Everything feels so expensive and I am having such a hard time seeing anything work without a magical bag of money just dropping in my/their lap.
"The caregiving arrangement must work for both parties: the receiver and the giver, or it's not working all. "
Of course! I keep bringing it up often around my dad because he takes a long time to warm up to any idea and often needs to just sit and think about it for weeks before coming to any conclusions. I think I am just going to have to sit them down and talk to them frankly and say "Ok. I am making plans for my future, and that will include me moving out in a year. What do you guys want to do? Stay here? Go somewhere else?"
You said I'm not morally obligated to be their caregiver, but I think they really truly thought I would just automatically take care of them forever. I am afraid of them feeling like I am abandoning them, so the sense of obligation wins.
Thanks for such a thoughtful, great response! It really got the gears turning!
You seem to have assumed responsibilities that didn’t help much. If living your own life would ‘really depress your mom’, it’s up to your father to decide what to do for them both. Virtually all older people are more or less depressed – aging isn’t often much fun. If you sacrifice your future in hopes that your mother won’t get depressed, it is not going to help when both of you get depressed about the outcome.
Do what you want and need to do. Let father get out of the bar and start sorting out their lives. You may be surprised at how capable he is when you are out of the way!
We just moved all together back to CA in Feb 2021. But basically, as soon as we got here, I realized that it wasn't being in CA that I loved so much, it was being independent and not being their caregiver.
Since moving to CA in Feb, my father has stepped up and become much more involved in his own care and my mothers, leading me to believe I could move away from them and they would be alright (for now). I want to move out and be living my own life, working on my new relationship and my work/life goals, starting my own family. It feels like I can't do any of this while I'm stuck sitting in my parents house, no matter what state that happens to be in.
This is a great way for me to think of it for myself too. I need to put my foot down a bit and say "ok I have to make plans for MY life. what are YOUR plans for YOUR life" Because a lot of the time, they just look to me to make the plans for everyone. It's completely exhausting!
They will want to be together as long as humanly possible, for sure. I think that's why they are afraid of those IL places, because they are afraid of being split up. I am trying to look into CCRCs maybe or IL somewhere they can stay together as long as possible. The cost is a huge issue though. They really don't make this stuff easy!
Your parents had a lifetime to save for and plan for their old age; having a child is NOT a retirement plan. And YOU are not responsible, emotionally or financially, for their happiness.
There is a wonderful financial planning website, www.bogleheads.org, where you might get some great answers to the financial side of this question. But the bottom line is that unless you are a multi-millionaire, you should NOT be funding your parents' care expenses. You need to work and save for YOUR retirement.
I totally get your parents not wanting to be "split up", so what they need (if they want to stay at home together) is the hiring of help to come in. If you are going to move to Texas, they should probably move near where you'll be so that you will be around to help with planning and logistics. Or, they could hire a geriatric care manager if they want to stay geographically where they are.
"Enabling is disabling" is something we say around here alot. If you keep "doing for them", your dad gets less and less interested in and adept at finding solutions for himself.
You are not selfish to want a family and a life of your own.
I am not funding any of my parents care, that's for sure. I don't have any money at all. I basically havent been able to do the kind of work I would be doing if I was on my own because I had to have a flexible enough job to have time to care for them while they were actively fighting cancer together a few years ago. That and the pandemic brought me down to nothing financially and now I'm just living with them and I'm going to have to save to move out and re-start my life.
I'll look into the geriatric care manager thing. That would be helpful because its unlikely they would want to move to TX ever. (plus I have no idea how long I'd be in TX.) I'm not thrilled at the idea of living there myself, but my boyfriend has a long term steady job there and its much easier for me to move to be near him, even if just temporarily while we sort out where we would eventually like to go together- but that's another issue.
Thanks again for all the advice and for saying this "You are not selfish to want a family and a life of your own." I need to hear this more often! Gotta put it on a post it note on my mirror or something. ugh!
Maybe dad is saying, "Gee, mom would be sad, but we'll be just fine without you. Fly away little bird."
You are enabling your parents, who aren't ancient. Let them figure this out.
Maybe dad isn't prijecting. Maybe what he's saying is "Your mom will be sad not to have you around, but we'll be fine. Fly away little bird".
You are enabling, and therefore DISabling your parents.
But what you said about me swooping in when they had a crisis and never leaving stuck with me! That's very true. I feel like I moved in with them to help them and now if I leave, they would feel like I was abandoning them. It's a pretty crappy dynamic. It looks like I am going to have to make some hard choices that they really won't like and I'm just trying to make the smartest decision I can that will hurt everyone the least :/