Back in May I wrote about my mother's awful situation with her husband. It was indeed beyond imagination horrible. I flew to Ohio and spent two weeks getting protective orders, removing him from the house, packing and moving things alone, paying for everything myself, got her to Texas May 30th spent first week solid completely reorganizing my apartment/buying her everything she could possibly need including all medical equipment we had to leave in Ohio. All the files to sort through and trying to find out exactly what Medicare she had (couldn't find out until got authorized rep in place so paid for meds out of pocket...hundreds of dollars right there)...got all of her doctors set up/home health/driving all over for tests and creating care with primary/cardiologist/GI, etc...managing her money...trying to get her absurd bills paid (insisting I pay for things like a best buy credit card when I can't even pay rent anymore) waiting on her hand and foot, baths complete with skin brush to help with the massive dry skin/sores from the awful place she had been...daily rub downs, caregiver cards, dry erase notebook etc to help with speech aphasia while waiting for home health to get set up...car very old and already spending hundreds to keep this and that broken thing fixed and not comfortable enough for her or allowing for things like a scooter so went into debt for a much newer model/larger vehicle (figure it better have super low mileage because I'm going to be using it a lot and have to for a very long time given the debt) oh and the debt...last check just under $30k at least 99% of that due to and for her (including 2 trips to Ohio etc)every waking hour is spent with and on her and the amount of forms and research and appointments and notarizing this and that and so on has taken a great deal of time so she began to rage at me if I didn't stop in the middle of a business day to watch hulu with her. My partner used to stay with me...we are in a committed relationship rings and all without the legal document and had hoped to be living together full time until I had to move mom in then there was no room and my partner has a 25lb puppy so it can't be around mom...however partner has done all laundry (tons of it now) grocery shopping, cooking meals since may 30th yet when we try to have a night together mom flips! Suddenly she thinks my partner is awful though won't tell me why...even yelled at my SO while I was in the shower one day because mom saw an old dent in the back of my car and immediately accused SO then wouldn't even believe me when I explained it and continued to give the most awful looks at SO for a solid week no matter how kind SO is to her. When we exchanged rings mother ignored it save for interrupting for a refill of her ice tea then later claiming heart attack. The other night she accused both me and SO of stealing her SSDI money although I went over the statements with her as well as the ledger I have to keep (along with receipts) due to federal law as her authorized rep.
that went on for at least 3 hours. Several times she's gotten so worked up that her usual quiet voice (due to stroke) was so loud and shrill I had an anxiety attack and involuntarily cowered into the corner of my sofa as she leaned in screaming at me. When I finally began setting boundaries such as I will not engage in pointless arguments let alone screaming matches and yes, as a 47 year old woman I get to fall to sleep on the couch trying to catch a show after going nonstop at least 18 hours per day nearly every day. and yes, as a 47 year old woman I can have a glass of wine in the evenings...heck I can have two if I so choose. Twice I've had to let her take a sip of my gatorade/water mix (just a weird thing I do) because it was in a tea glass and she insisted I was drinking a giant glass of wine "all the time". Several times she's said she's gone to the bedroom to "take a nap" only to return a few minutes later fully dressed in slacks...
I really cannot think of a thing that I could conceivably say. I can suggest that you put your Mom in placement now. I imagine you will say that isn't possible. Probably the usual reasons we hear here all the time. "Guilt". "She doesn't want that". "There isn't money to do that".
What do you imagine happens to elders who do not have children. As a nurse I can tell you. Usually a hospitalization. Neighbor calls EMS. Something like that. Then social workers swing in and do so easily what it takes the REST of us normal humans 1 year to do.
Quite honestly this will be your life until you decide you cannot do it (IF you decide to really have a life instead of giving up your partner. Because your partner WILL leave. There is, for most of us, a strong survival instinct.
I will own that you did not imagine just how bad this would be. You may have had a clue, but not really. I know. Just a POA and a Trustee of Trust about broke me, and things are still about a crisis a week with some entity saying they need this and that and my firstborn for proof. So I give you that.
You have an ungrateful (likely due to mix of dementia and personality) person not only dependent on you, but bent on abusing you.
I don't say it will be easy to extricate yourself. I do say it is a matter now of your own survival and it is up to your choice.
Her former situation was likely 50% HER! Perhaps more. She has simply replaced the husband with YOU. So it isn't him cowering on the sofa or fighting back. It's you.
Next time she calls EMS and have her hauled to the ER on a 5150hold. She will be evaluated. Tell the Social Worker you will NOT be taking her back to your home due to fear, due to inability to care for her in any way. Do NOT believe their platitudes when they tell you "We will help; we will get you help; we can make this work". They can't and they WON'T. They simply want the two of you out the door.
I saw this with love, if tough love. I say it as a nurse. Not everyone deserves our cares. We may be flawed human beings true enough, but we are not martyrs; we are not Saints; we are not doormats.
Or are we?
There is no law, secular or religious that demands that you destroy your life or health in order to care for a parent whose needs are at the level that your mom's are.
The list goes on…
Thing is that in between these episodes are several days to at least a week of her going on what a godsend I am…that I work so hard for her and she’s so grateful for me. then suddenly its that I do nothing, I don’t love her, she is afraid of me, she doesn’t feel safe, etc.
Along with all that and then some is…well, I have a security camera on my porch and in my living room that feeds through wifi and over data on my phone or laptop. I’ve caught her several times doing things she claims she cannot do such as writing clearly with her “paralyzed arm”, forgetting her cane-walking weakly but fine, dragging her cane behind her with said arm, dropping something and bending way over to pick it up, etc. when therapists are here or when at doctor’s office she’s suddenly unable to speak even half sensibly or walk or so much as lift her hand.
It is so incredibly draining and I dare say traumatizing. All the time wasted on nonsense then trying to function while walking on eggshells after no sleep at all, no bath at times for 3-4 days at a time, literally falling to sleep in my food when I finally get to sit down and eat. She could care less. She smirks and rolls her eyes, gives a little evil snicker and such. Again the list goes on and here’s the thing, before anyone says this is stroke related or early stages of dementia; while that may be so to some degree this is the woman I remember most of my life. It was only the past 4ish years she’s behaved like a normal human being…up till she was in my home and I didn’t do what she wanted when she wanted or she felt jealous when I was happy about something (literally sour face when I’m smiling/laughing with SO or even with her!) the icing on the cake is today she told all three of her therapists lies about me, that she is afraid/not safe/stealing/drunk all the time/screaming at her/angry/etc. luckily I have the camera footage that shows it’s the other way around& they didn’t seem to believe her. That didn’t stop my heartbreak/nearly catatonic now for hours/couldn’t stop crying. This is toxic. I even vomit several times a week for no reason. How can I get her out of my home?
You've got all her medical records, you've got all the documentation from your intervention to remove her from her earlier at-risk situation, and now you've got a whole journal of ongoing challenging behaviours. If you can't get your mother Baker-Acted, who the heck can?