I'm not one to write on forums, but I'm at a loss. My mom is 96 with CHF, CKD and a level of dementia where she doesn't realize how difficult any of this is. Others think she is doing great but she's really not. I'm 61 and the youngest of her 5 kids. She's lived with my husband and me for over 6 years but my medical care for her has been much longer. She initially came to live withbus because she was running out of money.
At this point, I've lost my job (I'm the primary breadwinner), it is straining my marriage, our home is destroyed and needs lots of repairs, I don't really have friends anymore, and my physical health has declined significantly (emotional and mental is not doing great either). I've made the decision that I can't care for mom here anymore and need to move her to an ALF. I've found a nice one 2 miles away that has a great reputation and we know someone whose dad lives there. Mom will get more care than I can give her and I'll still visit every day. She is resisting and crying hysterically saying she's being thrown out like an old shoe. She's even tried a hunger strike. This is breaking my heart to think of leaving her there alone with strangers. She'll be so scared. Yet, she can also be very mean. I tried home caregivers and she drove them off and made it even harder for me when I came home from work. She doesn't think she needs that much help, but also seems to not really care what this is doing to me. I love her dearly but she has always been self centered, doesn't take responsibility for her situation or do anything to help herself, only remembers and thinks about negative parts of life and blames others for all of it. I know this is the right thing to, but why is it so hard??? I'm a ball of anxiety and tears. I know people have it far worse than I do but any words of wisdom will help. Mostly I think I needed to get this off my chest. Thanks
It's likely your mother won't be scared at all in managed care but is laying the guilt on nice and thick for your sake, to further stress you out after all you've done. You should be angry instead of broken hearted and upset, my friend, since you've devoted your life to the woman who cares nothing about YOU. You say "I've lost my job (I'm the primary breadwinner), it is straining my marriage, our home is destroyed and needs lots of repairs, I don't really have friends anymore, and my physical health has declined significantly (emotional and mental is not doing great either." At what point do you feel entitled and happy to care for YOURSELF and your husband and home? Your mother is 96 and has already lived a very, very long life!
My mother lived in AL for 5 years and loved it. Its like a nice hotel with caregivers on site, activities, meals, outings, and social events. We should all be so lucky to be "thrown away like an old shoe" into such an environment! My mother then segued into Memory Care Assisted Living when her dementia advanced and she became wheelchair bound. Most demented elders are not happy to begin with, so there's that to consider. But mom was beautifully cared for by "her girls" in MC and did fine until she passed at 95+. I felt no guilt at all because her needs far exceeded my limited abilities. I was able to be a daughter to her in MC instead of a resentful and burned out caregiver 24/7.
Put yourself first for a change and stop thinking of mom as The Poor Soul in AL. She'll be in good company amongst her peers where they can all sit around and complain together. Then eat ice cream to their hearts content while gossiping. 🤣😂
It's a reason why people stay in abusive relationships, even when they have the means - both financial and otherwise - to leave.
While your mom has every right to be trepidatious about this move, that doesn't give her the right to try and guilt you into trying to keep the move from happening. Really, it will be the best thing for both of you. Mom gets the care she needs and you get the freedom you need.
Good luck!
If she refuses to eat, remind her that this will land her in the hospital and she’d go straight to the facility after that. All it would do is make her hungry and tired!
It’s a bad situation all around. She is pouting and lashing out for now, but I think she will adjust and do well with people and activities around her. Sounds like she can’t be reasoned with, so probably not worth explaining it over and over to her. Sorry this is so rough.
Thanks again for the support.
She has emotionally abused you, and still you feel guilty. She resists, cries, hunger struck, is mean, drove off caregivers that YOU found to help her, has no empathy for your plight, is self-centered, won't take responsibility or help herself, is negative and blames others for everything. She might as well be flogging you on your bare back with a cat o'nine tails!
You've found a good place for her to go. Once she goes, you'll feel so much better. And you don't need to visit every day! That just puts you in line for more abuse. Make sure she's okay, work on her behalf with her professional caregivers there, and take care of yourself for a change. You deserve better. You deserve a medal, IMO. Even a freaking statue erected in your honor.
I'm trying to remember that mom's illness causes some of her bad behavior, but then I think of the terrible things she's said and done to you (and after you came to her rescue because she didn't have a place to go). That's when I want to throw an old shoe at her. HER old shoe. A shoe that you probably bought her. The old shoe that you're throwing her out like.
Furthermore, she may belong in memory care rather than assisted living. At least they'll lock her up.
I hope your recovery from this mess goes well and that you are soon able to return to the life you gave up to be kind to mom. Good luck and peace on your journey.
I do know that now we're at a point that to properly care for her and myself means sending her to AL.
Thank you for the kudos and the laugh. I got a good giggle about throwing the old shoe. Sad but funny and that's how I get through. I can find just about anything funny. I'll never understand how such a tiny old lady can always be in the way. And why do they always stop in the middle of everything and stare? It actually cracks me up when I see others do it because I think "ha! It's not just her"
The facility has a memory care building so if they decide she's better off there we'll just move her.
Thanks for taking the time. It does my heart good to have people to talk to about this. I should have done it years ago.
Like a profound illness (such as pancreatic cancer) wreaks havoc on that patient's body, forcing them to live differently and need more specialized care while limiting their lives, your Mom has a profound illness of her mind. Think of it like this for her, so you that you can work on not getting upset at the "prior" her.
May you receive peace in your heart and a smooth transition.
Your Mom is safe and cared for. If she has never been a happy person, she probably will never be. Thats not ur job to make her happy.
We have so many memories of our parents when they were young and healthy. It’s sad to see our parents losing their independence. Transitioning to a new way of life is always tough.
I understand completely how you feel. I cared for my parents. They were married for 56 years.
Mom moved into our home after she lost her house in hurricane Katrina. She had Parkinson’s disease and developed dementia later in her life.
In hindsight, I should have made her stay with us only temporary until we found placement for her. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20.
Often, during emotionally charged times, we make the mistake of thinking with heart instead of our heads.
No one knows how you feel unless they have walked in your shoes. Don’t judge yourself harshly because we aren’t always able to see things clearly when we are under a great deal of stress.
Our lives change drastically when we are living with others.
No matter how much we love our parents, life definitely becomes more complicated sharing our home with them. This inevitably leads to more stress.
Wishing you peace as you oversee your mom’s care.
You absolutely made the correct decision to place your mother in a facility.
We placed my mother in an end of life hospice care home. We were able to visit her as often as we wanted. She was well cared for and we had peace of mind that she had around the clock care. She died at age 95.
You can't fix it.
You fit into the classic caregiver syndrome where caregiver's very life is threatened but only after losing family, health, mental health and financial stability.
This isn't a time to assume the mantle of guilt and marinate in how awful everything is. This is the time to recognize you have made a bad decision in doing care to the extent it has threatened your very life, and for what reason? Has it brought happiness or health to anyone? Nope. It hasn't.
Time for honesty. Time for placement. Time to try to recover your life.
Begin by asking hubby to support you on the journey to getting your mom into care.
Then begin the slow process of healing.
I am so sorry. Someone just wrote us yesterday with the same of question I am exhausted with answering about whether to move her family in with her elder. I told her to read the Forum for a month. If after that she STILL wants to do so, she will at least have a bit of a glimpse at what it will mean for her life.
I am so very sorry and I truly wish you the best of luck. Will this cause tears? Of COURSE it will cause tears. Is this not awful enough for all to mourn?
Good luck.