Mother-in-law is 81 year old and was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia three months ago and Parkinson’s six months ago. My husband has been taking care of her and it has impacted our relationship significantly. He has to be with her all the time because she takes meds 7 times a day and she always forgets. The Carbidopa-Levodopa is tricky because she takes it 3 times a day and she can’t eat one hour before and 30 minutes after and it’s always a battle – she doesn’t understand why she can’t eat.
We want to take time off – 5 days – but she is very attached to my husband. We have a caregiver come in once a week and she barely tolerates the caregiver and will not take the meds from the caregiver and always wants the caregiver to leave.
If we have the caregiver come for 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon, there’s a possibility that she will not let the caregiver in for either shift. Do we give the caregiver a key? This seems to be the most ideal but giving a caregiver a key is risky. Any thoughts on this?
Thank you in advance.
Look for a facility that offers respite care. MIL could go to this nice vacation house while you are away. It is EXPENSIVE, but sometimes they have "scholarships" available. This money should come out of mom's funds.
Absolutely do take that vacation! You both need it.
With regards to the facility, I've thought of that as well but my husband thinks she will never agree to leaving her place, even if it's just 5 days. I am definitely re-thinking this option though.
Thank you!
If you trust caregiver give her the keys, if you MIL can still answer the phone make caregiver call and let her know is coming in.
Does her doctor know how resistant she is to anyone other than your Husband? It sounds as though there is some level of anxiety/agitation going on that should be addressed.
No matter how much time, devotion and love he puts in to his mother's care, the sad reality is that she is going to get worse. Over the last six months, he has been unconsciously training himself to believe that if only he tries hard enough he can save her, and that only he can comfort her. Neither is true. You need to snap him out of this pattern of thinking or quite apart from current difficulties her eventual, inevitable end is going to lay him waste.
The compromise visits don't sound adequate, though - it would be much better (and less of a worry for the two of you) to find a facility offering respite breaks, if you possibly can.
I also agree with those she needs to be in a facility; probably memory care which is the only one with a lock-down policy. Not cheap but she needs to be safe; she needs her meds in a particular order and this will be the only way you can leave town knowing she's going to be fine. Good luck!!
You are going to one place and she will be going to an "All Inclusive Resort" then schedule respite at an Assisted Living facility that you MIGHT consider placing her in at some time in the future.
She will get the care that she needs, she will have some socialization, she will get the meds she needs on the schedule that needs to be followed.
When I placed my Husband in a Memory Care facility for respite I think the cost was $150 a day. He had been going to the same place for Day Care so he was used to the routine as well as the staff. He adjusted quite well.
You all need a break.
Take your Vacation and enjoy yourselves.
Don't worry, emergencies rarely happen and most small incidents can be solved by phone.
In all honesty you and your husband are in a tough situation here. Keep in mind that "respite care" places are mostly private pay. First time I've heard of a program out there that funds for this type of care, try looking into it if you have time. Okay about your husband and mother-in-law. The medication help your mother-in-law needs is requires a lot of time and believe me he is going to get burned out. He needs a lot more help then once a week. We had a provider come in 5 times a week for 4 hours a day. Our mom was able to qualify for Medicaid and that's how we got the help we had for her. Mom was diagnosed with dementia and we took care of her until we could. We were exhausted (sister and I) and
She required more help then we could give her. We found a senior care place and placed her. It's only been 6 months but our stress level has gone down tremendously. We were so close to our mother, we never did anything without het SO I totally understand how your husband feels about leaving her alone. He wants to make sure she will be okay with the person who cares for her. That's why having a provider come in more often will help her get use the their presence and she can start adjusting. Check with the Department of Aging and Disability to see what type help she qualifies for. Good luck and god bless.
For in home care, I introduced caregivers by saying they were coming to help me out with cleaning and cooking, etc., then again gradually eased him into it by running errands and gradually increasing the time I was gone.
My brother has had my mother with "him" for 20+ years. In that time he has taken ONE vacation. Mother had me there everyday for this and that, and though she was still driving at the time, she never went far.
And yes, his wife is VERY angry about this dynamic.
As far as giving the caregiver a key--this is built on many levels of trust. But it sounds like Mom is going to be angry and non-compliant with her--if she is when the caregiver is there, and you are there, she isn't going to act any better. Also there's the problem of nighttime, right? (Maybe the caregiver would enjoy a break too--all my vacations were planned around my client's!!)
I did caregiving in a woman's home. If her "family" went away, another family member came and spent the nights. It soothed my client to know that she was not going to be alone (and she truly could not be left alone, for an hour.)
Best option is probably the "respite care" situation. Having mom in a secure location and maybe lose that cell phone. She'll call you day and night. Let the caregivers at the respite place do their jobs and you go enjoy your time together.
It is is looking more like we will have to do the overnight facility. We can get someone to come in and stay with her and sleep there -- it's $200 a day. This is expensive but she will not tolerate this. The overnight facility -- might cost as much -- but have to think about how to convince her. Maybe at this point, we have to lie and say the house needs to be fumigated or something like that.
Thank you again to everyone. This has been tremendously helpful.
2 - ease her in if possible - if there is time start with day care 1x, 2x, 3x, all week so that there is relief for both of you but also MIL gets into routine then have her stay 1 night then increase - otherwise set yourself up for next opportunity - some day cares will also do showers etc so that will help in long run
3 - you are 2 persons & she is 1 person - I know you think that her age trumps the needs you have but it doesn't because it's 2 people - so ease her into another situation if there is time - be as kind as you can be but you have needs too & don't disreguard them
4 - if you go then her chance of major health and/or death is less than 1 in 73 while you are away [365 divided by 5] & if you precondition her to where she will be that will lessen even more
5 - we are meant to care for our children & then our parents too but that doesn't mean that we need to work ourselves into an earlier death to support our parents - we want to do so much for them BUT that doesn't mean we should put our lives on hold forever because if you sidestep doing things for yourself all that you will feel at their age is 'why didn't I do..xxx..like I wanted to do - - - d*mn mom for taking away my opportunity' - I'll take a 1 week cruise not a 3 week cruise because mom[91] & dad [94] do need help BUT I GO however for maybe a shorter time ...this is my comprimise
6 - you are not obligated to correct any faults of a prior generation excepting sacrificises that where due to educating your generation - so if mom/dad put a mortgage on house to pay for YOU to go to university then you owe them something even if you didn't persue what you went to school for because they paid that $$$ to advance you - this a debt that you can actually calculate however most kids pay part so keep that in mind -
7 - why are you questioning giving a key to someone who you know & have a relationship with? - basically you are trusting them to take care of someone you hold dear so why not give them a key otherwise you don't really trust them to responsible so then get someone who is ... think this out & know that those caregivers know they are being in a trusted position so that if anything happens their 'ass in on the line' so probably the safest time for you mom - however if you haven't done by now all really valuables should be secured but rest is 'small stuff' & don't fixate on whether a figurine is missing/broken [because they are worth diddly squat] rather will mom be taken care of!!
Blessings,
Jamie