Recently my father, 87 , fell and broke his neck. His injury is serious however he was lucky and not paralyzed. The injury occurred two weeks ago, with my finding out today when I called my fathers cell phone to arrange a lunch date. My eldest sister answered his phone and I was then told what had happened.
Historical context: There has been lifelong conflict between myself and two older sisters (middle sister triangulates), I am the youngest. The conflict had escalated within the last six months. We all live in the same town. Regarding my fathers injury, the middle sister determined that I would not be called and told about our fathers injury because of her own issues with me. The eldest sister went along with the middle sisters decision. I have a close relationship with my father. There are no problems in our relationship, or with his current care. The issue is that I was not called when he fell and broke his neck and was hospitalized (they kept me from him and kept him from the comfort of my being their during a time when he could have passed away) and as it is he needed all family to be supportive.
I was on vacation when the injury occurred- which my father knew of, but my sisters didn't. My being out of the area was not why they didn't call me. Had they called me I would have returned immediately. When I returned to town I called my father for the lunch date.
Because of the behavior my two sisters enacted I am concerned that they will continue to try to keep me from having contact with my father. What legal rights do I and or my father have so that we can maintain contact and I can help to care for him?
The middle sister who triangulates lives with my father in his home, however her name is on his property etc. in the event he dies she will continue to have a place to live. With her name in the property she feels she has a right to exercise limiting my contact with my father.
No matter what middle sister "feels" she does not have the right to limit your contact with your father.
Where is your father now? Have you gone there to spend time with him? How did that go?
Having said that, if you want to see your dad you should be able to. The easiest and least expensive way of doing this would be to appeal to your sister(s). They seem to be the gatekeepers. As distasteful as it may be to you, you may have to go through them if you want to see your dad. Ask nicely. Leave family dynamics out of it. Your goal is to see your dad, don't deviate from that goal. No family drama.
Another option would be a custody battle through the courts for guardianship over your dad. This could be nasty and very, very expensive.
I don't know what a "triangulate" is and I don't know why your sisters are preventing you from seeing your dad but if you can keep it just about your dad and your desire to see him without engaging in any family drama I think that would be the best way to approach it.
I would imagine that your dad isn't mobile at this time so you would have to go to him to visit. If your sister is lurking around just concentrate on your dad and having a nice visit. He's very vulnerable right now and it sounds like your sister is taking advantage of that. Rather than fighting with your sisters just keep your eye on your goal which is to see your dad.
The eldest sister informed me that they (sisters) decided that since I had not included them in my wedding (last year) they would not include me in family affairs-- e.g. Dad's injury. (Paraphrased)
Note: husband & I chose a quiet surprise wedding with only our adult children, their spouses and grandkids. It was lovely. It was what we wanted. His family was ecstatic when they heard. My sisters, not so. Years of family histrionics were part of our decision to have our wedding held with our blended kids only.
The sister decision with regard to my father was retaliation set in motion by the middle sister who is narcistic and well versed at putting herself in the middle, aligning with either sister on either side of her and then doing a character assassination of the other. (Triangulating). This is a lifetime behavioral pattern for her and a no win for the entire family. Have suggested family counseling / mediation in the past and she refuses , She cannot be accountable and instead blames everyone else for what has transpired, and avoids. Now she has stepped it up to include an ailing father.
It is important to note that my fathers level of care is not an issue, it is the purposeful with holding of his health information and keeping me from him. It is also important to note that there is no basis other than sister conflict for her actions.
I appreciate your input.
I myself find that phrase "we didn't want to worry you" more incensing than almost any other - with the possible exception of "we're only trying to help" - but oh my goodness it is such a common one.
Stepping aside from how terribly upset you must be feeling right now, having just had this news and feeling shocked that you hadn't been informed at once: do you believe that the middle sister would intentionally prevent you from seeing your father against HIS wishes? Really, do you? And that your older sister would go along even with that?
I'm sorry that you've come home to this upset and worry. Hope your dad continues to recover well.
With regard to my sisters -- they told me it was intentional, it was a retaliatory act. And yes, the older sister went along with the middle sisters wishes because she is somewhat disabled and dependent upon her for companionship. it is complicated.
I had a right to know of his injury, I have a right to be kept updated on his medical condition. And changes.
I think it is a good thing to be consulting a lawyer. Know what your options are and how to respond if the meanies try to keep you from your father. I suspect that you could easily have your father sign a HIPAA waiver so that doctors could talk to you directly. You don't have to have POA for that to happen.
I somehow doubt that you can force your sisters to communicate with you (but do talk to the lawyer about that). Certainly they should have told you of the injury, but that is my moral perspective, not a legal one.
If middle sister truly is narcissistic, I think she is a lost cause. Learn to work around her; don't expect her to work with you. Is there any possibility you could mend your relationship with Sister1? Be very careful not to try to alienate her from middle sister, but just try to reestablish sisterly bonds with her? Would she like to join you and your husband for dinner some night? Do you have a scrapbook you could look over with her and see if she'd like copies of any of the pictures? Does she have one you'd like to see? If you come across a cartoon she'd like, could you send her a little note? Don't make your contacts directly about Dad; just try to be friends.
I'd love to find out what you learn from the lawyer.
Good luck to you!
They claimed that I was trying to keep them from my mother and her husband. Finally got a guardian for Mom and she has learned very well about the issues in my family. Youngest sis and I are cordial to one another, middle sis the less I hear from her the better. She will visit Mom occasionally for ten or fifteen minutes, then will be off galavanting somewhere.
Her perception of me trying to keep her away is actually the furthest from the truth. What she doesn't like is me telling her what times are best to visit, and what activities are appropriate. These are things that are difficult for the non-caregiving siblings to comprehend. That seem to think that Mom and hubby are very capable of doing everything they could five years ago, and that is simply not the case.
Have you, sister3 ever offered to care for Dad for a weekend so sister can get away? If my sisters were to offer this could be the best gift they could ever give me.
I wonder, are there any ground rules in place about who needs to be told what about what's going on with your father? It's this word 'retaliatory' that's going round in my head: your sister appears to believe, genuinely, that she has some kind of grievance that justifies her behaviour. (No, of course it doesn't, but that's not the point.)
I'm just thinking, if you can direct her attention away from this grievance and - no doubt - others, and concentrate it on your father's welfare, and get everyone to agree a protocol for communications; then at least there would be a system in place for your older sister to lean on if she ever came under similar pressure in the future (God forbid).
It's a matter of getting her to put your father first. By the way, said very gently, so should you. My siblings get up my nose big time, too, I'm not criticising, but your hostility to middle sister does come across - I'm not suggesting there aren't very good reasons for it, all I mean is, do all you can to contain it so that you can ignore her more easily and not get distracted.
How is your father doing? Where is he being cared for at the moment?
Re-reading your post, taking it literally, this bit: "Regarding my fathers injury, the middle sister determined that I would not be called and told about our fathers injury because of her own issues with me."
Well, now. As I say, taking that literally. That's disgusting. Obviously. But the thing is, it's SO obvious that it's disgusting that there is nothing to be gained by hoping to take your sister to task over it. She should be ashamed of herself, but as you suspect she is childishly thinking 'well I did that because she did blah blah blah'. The better option is to put that incident to one side and see what you can do to start things afresh from here.
So what do you think: any possibility of working on new ground rules?
And yes, I like CM's idea of working on new ground rules, possibly with a neutral third party present. This job that all of you have is only going to get harder; not fighting with your sibs in the process makes it a little bit easier.
My recommendation is to obtain legal counsel and get a suitable conservatorship case going - it CAN be shared between capable adult children. Do not delay. Do not hesitate. Otherwise, any court battle could be more difficult.
You are being bullied, just like I am. And my mother being bullied, too. Good luck
OK, now I get it. How have I gone 45 years and not heard this term??
I thought it had something to do with outer space or rocket ships or something.
Learn something new everyday.
Also I agree with Jeanne, you need to try and have a relationship with the sister who lives with him. Likely she has a load on her shoulders since she is there all the time - be concerned about her situation - not just what she is doing for your dad. It might make for less friction.
I am not and will not get drawn into drama or recriminations with them. I keep all texts and voicemails, which have a nature of attempts to goud me into argument. I am not biting that hook. I am focused on my dad, being present for him, grateful for any contact I may have.
I am very grateful he didn't die from his injury, and will support him in any manner that I can.
My two sisters are trying hard as they might to limit and control my contact with him, because they say their choice to "out me" makes me not part of his care team.
Day to day, moment to moment. I cope.
The initial shock of their actions regarding excluding me from knowing he had a critical injury and was hospitalized literally broke me for about 24 hours. I have regrouped and am stepping forward with a business perspective: the business at hand is care and comfort of my father. Period.
I don't know if your sister works, but the fact that she lives with dad means she's doing more than her share of caretaking for him. Even though she probably gets a place to live at little or no cost, she may still resent that she's there 24/7 while YOU, on the other hand, are on vacation. (I'm not being critical in the least; just trying to see it from another perspective.)
How much do YOU help your dad? And thus your sister? Do you occasionally bring over a casserole for dinner once a week combined with your visit? Offer to take him to doctor appointments? Offer to take him to your house for a few days (or "the day") so your sister can have some peace and quiet?
Have you done some research for respite care for your sis? Provided her with some resources for help in the home? Does she need it? Do you come off as appreciating what she's doing for dad? Or do you think she's well paid because she has a place to live?
If I were you, I think I'd be ignoring the fact that your sister didn't call you. Perhaps simply tell your other sister that you sure would have appreciated a call. In the meantime, actions speak much louder than words. Try to find ways to be helpful to your sis. Without actually saying something, try to mend fences.
I'd say it's probably a sure bet that, should you say, "I'd like to come over to see dad Thursday afternoon and bring dinner for the two of you," she'll probably faint dead away and appreciate the gesture. After bringing them a SPECTACULAR casserole, fresh bread, salad in a Ziplock with a couple bottles of dressing for them to choose from...as you leave, say, "Mind if I do a repeat NEXT Thursday?" I'm pretty sure your sister will begin to mellow out.
Just my two cents. I'm reading a lot between the lines here. But I also realize there's two sides to every story.