My mother-in-law is moving in with us and we are working on closing out her apartment. As part of this process, she has agreed to donate or throw away various pieces of furniture, nick-knacks, and cloths. I would not call her a horder, but she has some of those tendencies. We have already been in a heated argument when she asked was something of her's packed and we said she had agreed to let it go. Our last trip to pack her apartment is this weekend and we plan to take pictures of packed boxes as well as what is going to good-will or the trash. Any other thoughts are appreciated.
We figured out that my mother had about stage 4 dementia. The arguing was out of control.
This was only after I came to this forum, desperate for advice.
We ended up moving my mother to Memory Care.
Skip the insanity.
Go right to Assisted Living.
You won't regret it.
There is a terrible problem that some members end up having here; once their elderly parent moves in, it can be quite difficult to get them out.
They've established legal residence in your home, you're providing care (because she won't "allow" aides or non-family members to provide care. Do you evict her? In some cases, that's the only way.
Your house, formerly your sanctuary, gets taken over by an argumentative elder who accused you of stealing her money and goods. Incontinence ensues.
Old age, with or without dementia goes ONLY in one direction. Do your MIL a favor and get her into a good AL while she has mind enough to make friends and get used to routines.
A hoarder has a hard time letting go of things as they form unhealthy relationships with "things" and feel they can't live without them. It's a sickness. A mental sickness to be more specific, and the fact that you seem to be in denial of the severity of her hoarding tendencies should be a HUGE red flag to yourself.
And then you add memory loss/dementia on top of it and OMG you're in WAY over your head.
Hopefully it's not too late to come up with a plan B, like finding her an assisted living facility with a memory care facility attached as that will be the next step.
There is no longer any rational conversation to be had.
Please, trust me/on this. Get her placed.
There is a reason people are telling you not to do this. I think people don’t realize how detailed, life changing, and hard it’ll be. Really think this through.
-Any sort of schedule you have now will be out the window.
-Can you lift her several times a day?
-she will need a female to help her with things like bathing and toileting. And possibly to help her get dressed. Are you okay with doing this many times a day?
-Can you handle pee or poop accidents on her bed or anywhere else in the house?
-If you can’t handle toileting and such, are you okay with having aides in your home? Can she afford to pay them?
-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely?
-Can you handle the onslaught of laundry, changing sheets, and cooking for another person?
-If you have pets, will she adjust to them or the pets to her?
-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need anything, but you'll find almost none will volunteer to stay with her if you want or need time out.
-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done?
-If she worsens, how will you handle the medical needs? If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work the next day?
-Will she expect to be with you or husband constantly? Like every meal and every night with you both watching TV? Her having her own bedroom and bathroom isn’t the same as having her own home. And she can get very argumentative about YOUR things vs HERS. Like when a small child insists everything is “MINE!”.
-She will not have socialization with others in your home. You two will become her entire world.
-If you or your husband get sick or hurt, what plan do you have for her care?
Taking her out of her place and into a whole new one is a rough transition on an elder. If you end up having to place her again, that's another round of transition and newness she'll have to adjust to.
I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Most on here loved their elder dearly and wanted to care for them. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.
“I do worry about a number of the items each of you have mentioned and again thank you for your gudiance.”
… in other words, you are going to disregard the advice from people who know of what they speak and move her in anyway. Good luck.
The best thing to do is not say anything, do not discuss with her, she will forget all about it in 10 minutes anyway... if she has dementia.
Don't argue with her, just say ok and do whatever needs to be done.
If she is argumentative, you will be in for one heck of a ride if she lives with you.
All I can say is good luck.
Aging Care….. this Adventure to Hades
MeDolly, it’s really perfection, plus Fire Ice would be easy font to use!
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