MIL lived with us and I still do care daily at the facility. I helped in depth for years, now I feel like I am a servant. I used to take her to appointments and still do, at times.
Sibling 1 is condesending and treats me awful at times. It has been a few years since I associated with the person. Sibling 1 tells me I am dumb because I only have a diploma, no college. The siblings decided sibling 1 could take MIL to dental and vision appointments because they know more than me.
Today, husband wanted me to research a dental discount program. I did as I was asked in front of him. I then told him that for the last few years MIL had dental and vision insurance. He looked at me like I was a moron. Called the dentists and insurance companies and learned she had coverage all this time. He asked why I did not tell him and I said that I am not POA and I thought I was too stupid to know anything and that him and his siblings had it under control. Her dentist does not take her insurance.
I tried telling them at first then gave up. They (4 siblings) have spent $8,000 because they did not know. Am I a jerk?
1) A medical office manager taught me (or tried to) that you do not tell others everything you know. You got your education, paid dearly for it, they did not.
You do not have time to impart knowledge to someone who wants to be spoon fed.
2) One of the most frustrating things about caregiving is attempting to share information or teach siblings what you know. They just want you to do the work, take on the responsibility for them, then sit back and criticize. They don't want to become an expert in dental insurance.
Being wise does not make you a jerk.
Try to avoid people who make you out to look like a jerk.
You posted:
"Since I have no feeling in my right arm, basic things like getting dressed is a struggle.
***On top of that, I have been having night sweats, every day between 1 and 3 am. Last week my husband asked if I pee'd the bed. I did not but it was soaked. ***
He told me I am getting more like his mom everyday and that hurts.
The symptoms (night sweats bed drenched) could be that you have pneumonia. Get that checked out. Is there also delirium?
Sorry, I do not have any more information about pneumonia.
As far as so many of your comments being deleted, could it be your screen name includes the word **HE//**?
My second thought was - and here is where this is my opinion and only you can do anything about this. Why are you still accepting this kind of treatment? From him? From his family? Yes...you got them indeed and from my position it is funny as heck because they totally deserve it. But they deserve more. They deserve to not have you to kick around and take all of this out on. The fact that he got mad at you and then wanted to further humiliate you by having you post what you did on Reddit to get the opinions of others to ask them if you were an A*hole to prove his point is just beyond the pale.
Your MIL isn't the hell. Her needs are the void that is sucking you in. But the hell is the people in your life. Your husband and his siblings who have taken you for granted and taken advantage for so long and have never appreciated what you have done. Who have subjugated you and have called you names. The A*hole here is him and them because they think it is funny to continue to treat you this way.
Why do you continue to accept this behavior? Wash your hands of it all. Tell them you are not doing this anymore. Take a vacation. Leave them to this mess. And let them figure out the holes. I wouldn't even fill in the blanks with your knowledge anymore. They don't listen and when they do, they pick you apart like vultures.
Take back your life. You didn't do anything wrong here. You DID try to tell them. They, in their superiority complex, didn't listen. You can't change people who don't want to change. You can only control yourself, you own actions, and how you respond to how people treat you.
The way he treats you is beyond disrespect; he seems to treat you with absolute and total contempt!
Is it really worth staying with him for these few "told you so" moments?
Isn't this the same husband who slapped YOU when it came to a disagreement about care for HIS mother that YOU were providing? Care YOU were providing when the FACILITY in which she lives REFUSED to give her?
Why on Earth do you stay and put up with this garbage?
So first check the date of the acceptance letter to the date of the card. If like my nephew, there is 30 days difference than only the dental bills within that 30 days you can be reimbursed for. If her dental bills are from after the date on the letter, I don't think you can be reimbursed. She was suppose to be seeing a Medicaid dentist as I explained in my other response. Before I'd file for reimbursement husband should talk to Moms Medicaid caseworker to see if my info is correct. If he claims he paid out if pocket not knowing she was covered he may get by but thats not how nephews doctor explained it.
I would get MIL out of that facility. They should be sited for negligence and so should the family. The doctor could have overrode the family concerning her healthcare. Pressure sores alone is negligence. This means the woman was not properly taken care of. She should have had a woundcare nurse and some type of painkilker. She probably got sepsis. Even Hospice would have allowed the wounds to be cared for. I hope the Hospital she was taken to reports them. You did a good thing.
Last week, when I went with him to see MIL, the lady in the next room was screaming and I pulled the string. The worker came and explained that the lady had bedsores that exposed spine and family would not give her pain pills because she was a former addict. I left crying, it was terrible.
I dialed authorities from my husband's phone and forced him to report it. The ambulance, police and others removed her and she passed.
He is upset because her family slapped him in grief and blamed him. He said that I should have minded my own business.
I have no words for your husband, because if it was me it would be h*ll and fury like he never saw before.
Time for you to stand up for yourself, time to distance yourself.
Since I have no feeling in my right arm, basic things like getting dressed is a struggle. On top of that, I have been having night sweats, every day between 1 and 3 am. Last week my husband asked if I pee'd the bed. I did not but it was soaked. He told me I am getting more like his mom everyday and that hurts.
I set up the Medicaid and knew about vision and dental but I was told I was to no longer be involved. I had no idea that they did not understand policies. My husband will not usually talk to his siblings in front of me.
Everyone is crapping on you for lack of education when it comes to dealing with Medicare, but oh no they think you should cook for moms whole faith based facility when God sent a power outage. That on top of having to go there to stick needles into her diabetic flesh daily and monitor her for bedsores.
I wouldn’t want someone sticking me with needles or moving me if they didn’t have full control of their arms. This is a safety issue. Quit being their physical Sherpa. You are already becoming broken,
Who set up Medicaid for MIL? At that time you set up the Insurance provider you are going to use ex: Blue Cross. Vision and Dental nephews Medicaid only gave u one insurance choice. We were sent all the Cards we needed.
Yes, you need to use Medicaid doctors. I was told that if a doctor finds you are Medicaid they can't see you if they don't take it. If your on Medicaid you are not suppose to have money to spend on Health needs. I had this with nephews neurologist. As long as he was on straight insurance we had no problem but when he went on full Medicaid (no Medicare) the Neurologist could not take him because he did not take Medicaid. I was not allowed to to private pay. The Dentist MIL must have no idea she is Medicaid.
In ur in-laws and husband's defense, Medicaid does not send statements like Medicare. They just pay whats owed. So make sure DH understands that to use Medicaid it must be a doctor who excepts it.
Now MIL, ur profile says she is in IL is she now in an AL or LTC? If in an AL or LTC why are you going over to do "care" that should be being done by the facility?
My husband (College educated) said the stupidest people he knows are College Educated. Book smart but not life smart. I think I would start backing off on any care you are doing especially if she is in a facility. Your DH is the POA. I think 4 College Educated people can care 4 1 mother. Your name also makes me think MIL is not the easiest person to deal with. And no, you are not the jerk.😏
I would tell hubby that I am not "smart" enough to know that you and your sibs weren't smart enough to verify coverage before getting services. That's what smart people do and you guys keep telling me how smart you are, so...
Sounds like a no win situation for you. Have fun where you can with it.
And no, you aren't the problem. Your husband and his siblings are if you actually told them before that she had insurance and they didn't listen.
My question is how to you want to proceed?
Continue to be a main player in the MIL-care show?
Or go sit in the audience?
Be civil to the snakey siblings or avoid?
I think I'd leave the performance entirely & take up a hobby. Something that involved much travel away..
I’m assuming you weren’t paying the bills from your own money by sneaking out to pay cash for money orders, then hiding the evidence of coverage just for the fun of it. Finally, years later, the punchline finally comes …
Can you just email a photo of anything relevant to the POA? Communication in writing might be harder for them to lose or misunderstand.
My husband is POA and I feel if he chose not to listen to me and listen to his siblings, that is on him.
He never talks on speaker phone but did today and I gloated.
Second, nta.