Follow
Share

My mother is obese and a heave smoker and has many health issues related to her bad decisions. Her house is nasty. She won't do even simple things like wash a disk or empty the trash. She expects me to take off work to constantly drive her to her many doctors appointments even though she can drive. When I talk to her about her driving or doing anything constructive about her house or her health, she says she doesn't 'feel' like it.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Maybe it is time for you to "not feel like" driving her around.

What appears as lazy might be health issues. I think your responsibility to your mother is to try to help her get her issues, whatever they may be, identified. When she has a treatment plan, if there are parts you can play to support her, that would be worth doing.

I'm afraid that just complying with her wishes may be enabling her to avoid dealing with whatever is the underlying problem.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Alright, I'll be the one to say I don't think you should operate out of guilt and obligation. There is nothing you can do to control her behavior. If she wants to live in a messy house and do nothing and be totally reliant on you, the only thing that is in your control is to decide what you are and are not willing to do. It is sometimes difficult for us to sort out what we are and are not willing to do, especially if you were brought up believing it was your responsibility to keep your mother happy. But her happiness is not your responsibility and your happiness (which is your responsibility) shouldn't be based on whether or not she is pleased with you. If you are willing to take her to the dr. once a month (or every other month or whatever you decide you can manage) then you should tell her that and hand her some info on senior transportation and start living your life without guilt. It sounds like even though she may be living with some chronic conditions, she is able to live alone and still able to drive. My answer might be different if she was incapable of self care but it sounds like she is an older person making bad choices but those bad choices are hers to make and you aren't responsible and shouldn't feel responsible. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

first off how old is your mother? second assistanted living is not covered under medicare or mecaid, that has to be paid by the person and is at least 2000 amonth, if she cannot care for her self and you don't want to take care of her, then she needs to be assesed by a doctor and go to a nursing home
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Time to go in there with several trash bags and throw it all away and then ask her if she would like to go assisted facility and you make arrangements with her insurance as long as she is on medicare/medicaid they will take her to her appts. she may have mental issues...she may have dementia and she may just be lazy....tell her anything the state will come in condemn her home and force her to move....anything ...she still the same way then its time to get her mentally assessed to see if she can be on her own anymore...that is all i can say on this matter...
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I would nicely but CLEARLY , ask her honestly what makes her think YOU FEEL LIKE DOING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especialy having to call off work. Then she think all the more you can. Maybe ,just maybe, shes hoping youll get fired by calling off. Tell her your boss says enough of calling off, and oh well shell have to drive. It would be different if she was sick. You have to make this nclear for your sanity. good luck. let me know what you think of my answer.

love,
zoey and zulu
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

please do not clean her house. if she is a hoarder and you do what amounts to a forced clean out, she could suffer extreme emotional and mental damage. second, do not be rude to your mother. no yelling or recriminations. have her evaluated by a mental health professional. if there are mental issues, proceed from there. if there are no mental issues and she is simply manipulative, then you deal with her the way you deal with a child. you simply don't indulge her and you stop rewarding bad behavior. no more trips to the doctor, no more anything. let her figure it out on her own. i guarantee she will. don't answer your phone, do not be available until she realizes that you are not her pawn.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

It sounds like she is capable of choosing differently and doesn't. And that makes it hard to watch, and get sucked into. It could be depression...has she been evaluated for that? But it could be just cussedness, and a learned behavior that you will do it anyway, so why bother? I agree with soverytired: do what you can and let her complain. Or do what she wants and still hear the complaining, in the end, the first option is what will take the most care of YOU.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Has your mother always been lazy? NG, I know what you are talking about. Mine was lazy when I was a kid, got lazier when I left home, and is still the same. I live in the same home, so do what I have to do to keep my own peace of mind. She is 85 now, so I don't expect any changes. She is always willing to get a yummy snack, then leave the wrapper for me to throw away. Sometimes I say something and it improves for a day or two. But then it's back to the way it was. I don't have any answers, but I know what you are saying.

I would see if there is a way for her to cut down on the smoking. Smoking steals oxygen from the body and can rob people's energy. Tackling addictions is tough, but it would be nice if she could at least cut back. I wouldn't be surprised if she gains a little energy with every cigarette she leaves off during the day.

You don't really have any responsibility to clean up after your mother, but you may need to do things for your own peace of mind. I would say just do what you feel like you need to -- not for her, but for yourself.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Tell her when she needs cigarettes, to go get them herself if you are the one picking them up. If shes a smoker, she will evetually do it herself and you will see shes capable. Doesnt she have anyone else to be her maid and shoaffer? I feel bad for you , but Enough already. she is your mom,but your not a doormat
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

soverytired is 100% right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take her advice and run like the wind with it.....You Go Girl
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter