I am moving from FL to IN to care for my mom (70) who recently suffered a spinal cord injury.
My brother and I along with some helpers (we need to find) will be caring for her.
I am leaving everything; my home, dogs, husband, job, grown children and I am okay with that but I am scared. This is a HUGE change and I worry I wont be able to do what needs to be done.
I want to say that I at least tried to care for her before making that choice of a nursing home...any advice for staying positive and keeping the depression at a distance? TY
You say you're scared but that's not it. You know deep down this is a bad idea. You know this is wrong. You don't want to do this and you know it.
You don't save your mother (and really no one can 'save' her!) by deserting YOUR family. Leaving them like this? You might as well tell your husband, dogs, co-workers, and friends: "You all mean nothing to me now, I don't care if you're hurt, and you'll just have to get over it. Making sure mother doesn't get upset with me and nursing my own feelings of guilt are WAY more important than all of you. I'm outta here."
Yes that sounds harsh, but this is exactly what you are about to do. If your mother expects or is glad to see you leave your family behind, she is cruel and narcissistic. No loving mother would expect this from her grown children.
Do you expect everyone at home to just sit and wait patiently for whenever you get to return for good? That they can all can just put their lives on hold for you indefinitely? Your dogs will think you deserted them, for all they know.
Placing her in a facility is not giving up on her and doesn't mean you didn't try hard enough! It means she needs more help than you and brother are able to give. How on earth would that make you at fault here?! Unless you are an orthopedist or RN specializing in spine injuries, and can be on call 24/7 for YEARS... there is no way you can do this.
Have you read the stories on this website at all? Let them serve as a warning to you. Your marriage and your health will suffer greatly for this!
It is the old dread Eagle story again. The eagle faces storms and raging waters and must move his fledglings from the nest. He begins to carry the first chick across the raging water and he asks the chick "When I am old will you do the same for me" and the chick replies "Yes, Father, I will". The eagle promptly and purposely drops this chick into the water and returns for his other. He asks the other chick the same question and the other replies "Father, I am so sorry, but I DO promise you I will save my OWN chicks as you are saving me". That chick is the one he saves.
Your priorities are wrong. Your love is your motivation, and it is understandable, given little time to work this out and discuss it. Please don't do this. Please contact social services and have your mother placed. She may well live another three decades. Will you give up your entire family to devote that time to her?
That chance may not come again; there are many sad stories on this board of folks who brought their loved ones home from a care situation and installed themselves as sole or nearly sole caregivers. When the parent becomes in need of more care, or develops dementia and becomes behavioral, the caregiver is trapped in a situation in which the still competent elder cannot be forced into care and the caregiver cannot leave without being possibly charged with abandonment.
Wouldn't it be better to try the long term care solution FIRST?
First, how does your husband feel about this? Do you feel this will be temporary, just till you can get things set up? Because with Moms age she could be like this for the next 10 yrs or more. I think there may have been other options that you and brother may not be aware of. First (and this is from being a caregiver and making uninformed decisions) Family leave may have been an option for now. Then u would have a job to go back to. This would have given u time to look at the situation and find the best options. If Moms income in low, call Medicaid and apply for homecare. You may get aides that will help a few hours a day or more. Medicaid also can help with transporting. Is she going to need home therapy? Call Office of Aging in her county to find resources.
If she could afford an AL, doubt they would except her. ALs are not a skilled nursing facility. There is usually one RN in charge, maybe an LPN and the rest of the staff are aides. Your choice would be LTC. So, while you are there check out the facilities in Moms area. If she has any money use it for private pay when its gone apply for Medicaid. Do not move her to FL. Medicaid does not go over state lines. She would need to establish residency in FL to receive Medicaid.
Go into this with open eyes. Mom may need more care than u can give. Be willing to admit that its too much. Also, finding aides may not be easy unless using an agency. Like any employee, u have good ones and bad ones. They may not show up. Quit on u or u will have to fire them. If private, then payroll taxes have to be deducted and reported.
If you are able to secure aides, use that time for yourself. Maybe the first few times they are there observe. Remember, that you are the employer. If Mom is a difficult person, she will probably be worse. So, set boundries. Respect goes both ways. And someone needs POA. That should be the person closest to the situation in case u go home. And don't allow brother to back out. Its his Mom too. We still have the mindset in this country that caregiving is a womans job. You are sacrificing a lot to be there for Mom. What you owe Mom is to make sure she is safe, clean and cared for. If that means a LTC facility, then thats what it needs to be.
Is there any hope that Mom could improve and be able to do some things for herself with some help? If there is, then she is the one who needs to work towards that goal. So don't enable her. The more she does, the better for her.
Please remember that your husband and family should be number one. Don't let this caregiving ruin what you have worked for. Be able to tell yourself, I tried but she needs more than I am willing to give up.
Come back, ask questions and vent. We have all been there and can help.
1/ Plan an end date... this prevents weeks turning into months turning into years.
2/ Identify what level of care you are not willing/able to give - bathing and toileting are often the tipping points.
3/ Have a plan in place for your mother in the event she can not return to independence by your end date - one that does not include your constant presence.
move Mom to a nursing home near you...but...do not abandon your life for her......you will regret this at so many levels!!!
I don't understand what is motivating you to make such a choice.
From your profile, your mother is immobile. How do you think that two middle aged folks with no training are going to do the work of three shifts of young trained caregivers?