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Family members who forget how their aging family member was always there for them and now that the aging family member is "old", simply don't have the time for even a visit. My mother was such a devoted mom. She was always there for her two children and never once was unavailable. She stayed in her abusive marriage to see her kids graduate from high school and always put her kids needs before her own. She never asked for anything. All she ever did was unconditionally love her kids; want the best for them in life; and be there should she ever be needed. It hurts me to have asked her family to make a day trip (four hour drive) to come see her. (She is now close to me logistically as I am the only family member to ensure she is receiving the necessary medical care. I have grown resentful of this so called family. I know that I will never get over my resentfulness but I try not to have this become a major issue in my life. I just don't understand how family can do this. I see so many elderly folks forgotten about. I am ashamed that our society is not more like some other places in the world where elderly family members are revered and their needs prioritized. Our country for whatever reason does not seem to feel this way when more than not families just don't take the time to simply stop by a nursing home and spend ten minutes to say I love you. Granted, there are families who love their aging parents and are there for them and I so respect this. I remain blessed to still have my aging parent and will do whatever I can to have her have the best quality of life I can. She deserves no less. She was always there for her family. So to those caregivers who are there for your aging family, hold your heads high. You are to be respected for all that you do. No one could have ever prepared me for the role of care giver but that's ok, it is one of the most important roles in my life and I embrace it and all of the challenges it presents because I love my mom and she would certainly do it for me.

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Welcome to the club. I do understand your frustration. I have 9 brothers and sisters, 8 within 30 minutes from my house. I took our mother in to live with me 3 years ago when I realized she couldn't stay alone. I have 2 sons and a husband and a full time job and I had to beg one of my siblings to take my mom for a few days so I could spend time with my son before he left for college. I asked her 10 months in advance so she couldn't say no, by the way she is retired. My mother also was there for everyone of us, when we fell down (and we all did) she was there to pick us up. She let all of us stay in her house to save money to buy our own ( yes we all have our own homes because of her) but they have all forgotten. I have one sister who lives 15 minutes away and has not come to see her mother in 2 years. I sometimes wonder if I have to call them when she passes?
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Sometimes it is a blessing to have the nonfunctional selfish family members out of the out of the way, they can do more harm than good. Believe me, when mom passes they will all be there whining, sniveling and saying what a wonderful person she was and how much they loved her. Then they will have their hand out saying mom would want me to have that. Unfortunately, we see it all the time. Caregivers need a lot of wisdom, grace & stamina to put up with greed & selfishness. Let your words be kind, filled with compassion, and few but to the point. Time is short & lost opportunites to show respect & build relationships will never be regained. And they will reap what they have sown. Sometimes they need to be reminded of that.
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thank you -- yes, this caregiving is nothing that we were prepared to do. and it tends to hit us in a time in our lives where we still have teenagers and such at home, and many of us are dealing with our own issues. This is very unpredictable and I, too, have been terribly hurt by family members not contributing. it is all up to me and those that do not see it or walk away, i think they will have much remorse
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I too am in your shoes. There are 4 of us kids and I am an only child when it comes to taking care of our dad. Dad is in the advanced stages of Parkinson's disease and has prominent bouts of dementia and also from another health issue.
If I had not stepped in about 8 years ago, when I got a call from the police finding my dad in the middle of the street (which I later realized) was acting out a hallucination he was experiencing, he would not be here today. Until this episode, I had not realized how far along my dad was with Parkinson's. At that time, one of my brothers was living with him. Which later I found out was only mooching off of my dad and living rent free and care free. When I asked him about what was really going on in the home, his only response was "I don't know, I just go to work and come home".
When I took my dad to live with me until I could look into and set up whatever resources were available, I was preparing for the long haul. I mad lite mention of sharing dad throughout the year, having him come live with each of us 3 months out of the year. When I saw their reactions and got their responses to this suggestion, I knew at that moment, I was the only one taking this journey.
So I pushed on and did what I needed to do to take care of my dad. He & I went and got POA for me, he already had my name on financial accounts, got his doctors down to 1 primary and 2 “support” specialists and got him down to only the meds that are necessary. I ultimately ended up moving me & my daughter & my husband (2nd marriage) into his house. He was so much more comfortable in his own home & I could no longer manage 2 households. Over the past almost 2 years he requires constant supervision. Luckily I have a sister-in-law who takes care of him during the day while my husband & I are at work. She gets paid for this (mostly) through a program my dad was fortunate enough to get & we supplement the rest of her pay. But after 5pm & on weekends, it’s us.
I only alert my siblings if dad ends up in ER or staying in the hospital and give them the phone # of the hospital. It is on them to call for info if that is what they desire. I am not the 411 info center nor do I have the time or energy to call everyone and keep repeating the same info.
Bottom line, do what you need to do for you and your mom. If you know in your heart that what you are doing is right, then sleep well at night. Let the chips fall where they may with your siblings and other family members. I know I am setting a great example for my daughter and I do sleep well every night (well, at least if my dad doesn’t wake up at 2:30am, LOL). :)
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Sop 832 I have a feelingthats exactly whats happening in my situation. My sister got mad at me, for reasons which I still do not know and just basically cut herself off from my family, ever since then she sees my mom less and less she is now down to once or twice a month. I have a feeling all the stress of taking care of my Mom has gotten to her and her useless mooch of a husband put his foot down with all the visiting and taking her places. I have to only hold hope that Karma does exist and everyone gets what they give. I know at the end of the day I have done what right by my Mom and the others can just rot with their guilt in their own disgusting existance.
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Ditto to all above.

I have lost my brothers because I and my adult daughter resisted their efforts to put her in a nursing home and are for her at home instead. All they cared about was the money, and when they realized Mom had given me POA, they blew up.

I used to send them pictures and long email updates on Mom and her care - but their return letters were always about the money I was spending. How dare I put a new heating and air system in her house? What was I thinking buying her a new refrigerator or washing machine? What was the poihnt or pulling up 40 yr old carpet and replacing it with new?

After 4 yrs of rejection and heartbreak, I finally just gave up.

My daughter, and now I, have given up a great deal of our own lives to care for a woman who doesn't even know who we are. It's the hardest thing I've ever done - and yet when I do lay my head down at night I know I've done right by my mother.
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It amazes me that people who don't want to devote a moment of their lives to the care of the elderly parents still feel like they are somehow ENTITLED to half of whatever they have in the bank! They even get testy if the old folks are spending to much of their inheritance. LOL
I am the POA of my mom -Durable, Medical and Financial. I live in the same town with her and even though I work full time and my husband works full time I inherited the job of taking care of mom. I am actually listed as her beneficiary because my mom said that since I am the one doing all the work I should be the one that benefits if there is anything left to benefit. My mom did this on her own when I first started taking care of her and she visited with the attorney alone so that they knew she was not under pressure from me. My sister lives about 2 hours away and calls my mom maybe every other month and she might see them for a few hours a couple of times a year. She has begged them to let her come spend a week with them but they say no or just ignore her pleading. Their don't want to leave her alone while they are at work. She lives alone right now....so what would be the difference? The sad thing is that she is plenty alert enough to know that they just don't want to bother with her. I have offered to bring her to them and get no response.
Anyway, I am sure that if she were to pass away tomorrow I would definitely hear from the family. We just sold her house so we don't have that problem anymore but I am sure if there is money in the bank when she goes they will expect some of it. Mom certainly doesn't owe them or the grandchildren anything so the fact that some people just expect an inheritance is rediculous.
Money does bring out the worst in people so I hope mom lives long enough to enjoy the money she has and not so long that she is totally unhappy.
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Madge - I believe the brothers wanted Mom in a nursing home to ensure they would not have to be bothered again. Neither of my brothers had much to do with mom after leaving home. She was (and still is, though now in a different way) not a very 'nice' person. Jealous, selfish, demanding and given to fits of paranoid rage. Her own parents realized this about Mom - warning my dad before he married her...

I and my adult daughter remained close to Mom because someone had to - and we took her into our care because it was the right thing to do.

Having lost in their bid to have her 'put away', their attention turned to her money and her property. "They must be doing it for the money" - for why else would we?

I miss my brothers in my life, but I also feel sorry for them, and I wouldn't want to be them.
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It may seem like I am the selfish one. But I like I have said in an earlier post, I do what I can. I visit Mom once a week, I call her 3 x a week. My sister says I am the selfish one, but if you look deeper you will see what I am up against. My husband has dementia, I still work part time despite the fact that I am disabled and in constant pain. I myself, am old. Mom had me when she was very young. I privately pay my own health insurance which has a $10,000 deductible with high premiums. When I try to help Mom it does no good, because Mom won't listen to me, just sister. When the holidays roll around, sister will not invite me to her home which is just minutes away from mine. But when sister wants something from me she wants me to jump to do it. But when I want something from her, its no dice. I'd be a lot more cooperative if she would invite me to her house for the holidays or she'd come to mine. So there you have it from the so called selfish one. I am doing the best I can with what I have.
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my question for all of you is -- has our past generations experienced all that we are at this point. I'm wondering, since I'm taking care of my mom, and my mom didn't take care of her mom as she was not living nearby and what did the folks do years and years ago. I'm thinking that we have become a very selfish society and the family has become fragmented. I think this is a huge crisis -- any thoughts?
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