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I found an adult day care center that is willing to accept him. We took him there long enough for us to speak with the day care specialist, in the mean time my husbands father sat next to another gentleman that also has had a stroke, they got along well and my father in law promised to come back that following friday. Come friday my husband went in and told his dad to get up and get dressed so he could go visit with the gentleman again. My father in law refused and said he was not going to go back there EVER!!! We wanted to take him there to have some socialization in his life because he only sits in his chair at home barking orders at us and he told us to SHUT our damn mouths and do what he says. The adult day care was our last hope. We are losing our minds and our health is deteriorating quickly.

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Telling your father he has to do something is not going to work. Asking your father to do something may work.

Why not have the facility call him and ask if he can help
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Perhaps if he feels that he is needed he will be willing to go and see his new friend. We all need to have a purpose in life, perhaps this is all he will need to get him motivated. Be patient good things come to those that wait.
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We had the same situation with my mother. We tried various venues of caregiving and she told them to all go home. She was restless and tried to move her furniture all around; would not wear a life bracelet, asked a friend to borrow the car (she didn't care WHAT the police or DMV thought--she knew better) ...and the list goes on. Her Dr. was not very helpful unfortunately in advising us. We finally found some help through a Geriatic Doctor and a Social Worker for the Aged. Both determined my mother was cognitively impaired after her stroke. She was not making good judgment calls, and we needed to intervene. We prayed and talked together as a family and decided the best place for her would be an AL w/limited supervision. She escaped twice and was miserable. She fell 3x's and the third time broke her back. Now mom is at a Conv./Rehab, and scoots around in her wheelchair. The wheelchair and her bed have alarms.Not the ideal situation, but we are at peace because we know she is safe. She greets and visits residents and staff...most days she is fairly content. Of course there are times she becomes restless again, but there are professionals who are there to help her. I am the only child and try to visit every other day, and we go on outings in the City Coach that will pick up her wheelchair. I would encourage you to get a Geriatic Dr.'s evaluation for your father, talk to a Social Worker and for you and a loved one to begin visiting skilled care rehab/conv. homes. It would probably be best for your father's and your physical, emotional and spiritual health. Please keep us updated. We have been there. If my mother was a humble person and would accept help we would have her at home. As it is, she does best with a professional team helping her and living in an environment with people her own age.
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I feel your frustration! My Dad has never been social, and we can't get him to go anywhere...even though he is happy to see people if it "happens" to happen. He just doesn't remember that he liked it. Maybe try getting him to choose between two days to go ("Do you want to go on Tuesday or Wednesday?") and put it on the calendar in his room. Then, on that day, if he doesn't go, remind him he promised and that he needs to keep his promises, same as he expects you to. That could help.
The barking orders thing...that goes through me. It's awful. All I've found to deal with that is to say, "I won't deal with you in that mood" and walk out. It will be harder if he's in your living room (my Dad doesn't tend to hang out downstairs) but see if that helps. Swallowing it, or doing what they bark about, just teaches them it works,

Good luck!
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JaneB I like your response to barking orders. "I'm not going to deal with you in the mood." I'm going to use this line. In the past I've just been silent on the phone. But a reply is even better- to reinforce that the barking is ineffective. Thank you!
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JaneB I also like your response, as I have to do the same thing with my 85 year old mother. She lives alone, but I go there everyday. Somedays when I get there she is so miserable, everything I do is wrong, everything I pick up at the grocery store is the wrong thing, and she didn't take her pill or answer the phone because she wasn't in the "mood". I say, I'm going to leave now, and when I come back I hope you are in a better mood. It seems to work (for that one day anyway) Good luck, it seems like a lot of us are in the same boat.
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i wish i knew!! maybe the answers you get will help both of us!! good luck
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I took a few months, my Mom was the absolute worst and she is proof you can do it. I talked to the owner and she told me to call it a club and ask him to go to lunch there. We went to lunch, another day, breakfast, another day there for a haircut, once to play bingo, and then I started to bring knitting and we just sat as I introduced her to friends. Then I took her on days when they had a DJ and dancing, Singers, etc.I did this a LOT, then they asked my Mom to work there and she was thrilled! Could she work, no, but she thought she did and then it was called work. I continued to stay with her a couple of hours and then we went home. Then, one day I left for 15 mins, she was ok, then 30, then an hour, then 2 hours, then 4 hours... it worked. Slow and Steady wins the race, you being there until he feels comfortable works. Turns out most of them thought they worked there for all different reasons. Pretend you want to go too. Good Luck.
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The work idea is a great one. Did the "club" give the residents actual chores? At my mother's SN they bring a pile of towels to the activity room every so often, and ask the residents if they want to help fold them. This also encourages socialization. Something difficult for the aged--they do not feel as productive. Another suggestion for my mother when she cannot sleep/gets restless--"well Mom, you can always pray for your us and your grandchildren--we can all use it!" :) We are so thankful for this site--thanks again!
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Yes laundry is one and they dont want to share the job! LOL
ALso setting the tables and sweeping the floors or asking hem to watch the doors so no one leaves, etc. Some thought they were there for the book keeping and didnt even do it and funny thing, NO ONE ever asked for a check they told me! LOL
Hopeful, did you ever try the old lawrence Welk shows or music at night? They love it.
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Yes, fortunately my mother has a Direct tv near her bed and the staff will help her with the channels from time to time. Mom used to play the piano at her church and community events and loves music so also attends the events pertaining to music in the activity room at her SN. Thanks for the above. Great & humerous ideas above. Thanks! :)
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Wow, I really didn't expect all the great responses!!!!!! Thank you thank you and did I say THANK YOU all. I love reading this and the responses help alot. And then I read what others are going through and realize we're not alone. Thank you all
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I was brought in as a "Neighbor" for visiting & having lunch with a client via her Son & Daughter in law. It began just 15-20 hours a week, then turned in to over 60 hrs a week once she got use to me. I never dressed like an aide, I just would wear regular clothes for the season. I got her to take showers, I'd set & style her hair, whatever she needed. We all would keep the Iron screen doors locked, & would take her for drives, walks, outings, have her help us clean the house, but had to watch her Very closely in the kitchen so she wouldn't start fires by turning on the stove with pots on it and then walking away & forgetting it. There's ways of getting help you need.
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hi, we called it a club and went for lunch, then a haircut at the daycare, then lunch and a game, then lunch and knitting, then they asked her to fold laundry, which i supplied. it took 3 months of slow weaning iin where i would finally leave for 15 mins, 45 mins, an hour or more, etc. once I introduced her to others and got her to see a familiar face there, it worked, I never thought it would. she even stayed in the smaller room to the side the first year when not eating, then worked out with all, she loved it and called it her "work"
slow and steady wins the race, good luck
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P.S, talk to the daycare owner, they are great on making them feel welcome or needed. A lot of small jobs there can make them feel useful, or even someone asking them to come. One time my Mom was sick, the daycare called and said " where is she, we miss her so much, and have so many towel to fold" Well, Mom was so excited, she felt so good and asked me all day "did they really call for me?" Next time I had the message put onto the answering machine and played it for Mom several times, haha, they love feeling missed and useful.
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Hospice, palliative care teams of my mum (86) with life limiting health condition, have been suggesting that mum spend sometimes @ the day centre (as she is rather depressed being coup up in a small apartment and her reluctance to be wheeled to the common garden (very plesant place). Wooh, so far we had not been successful in anyway to get her to attend any of the sessions. Because she would change her mind the last minute (hence wasting a lot of these carers time arranging for transport (we do not drive) to ferry her there. She is good at saying she would love to attend but she pulls out each time. In 5 days there is another attempt to get her there, I pray that she will at least move it there for being a person who had lived in isolation for a great part of her life, I honestly 'feel' she would not entertan the idea of being told by others re what she can /should do (she ws not very co-operative when she attended rehab (physio) aftr her fall ended with bleeding into head and an operation. I pray that the Lord looks down upon her next week and inspire her to attend day care (I am really exhausted cring for her with very little suport from other family members who could at least make her feel that it is important that she attends DC where she can have her massage, physio and check by the resident doctor!!!. So far everyone who have been attending to mum (Drs, nurses, physio, psy -none had ever spoke to mum 'firmly re 'needing to cooperate in orer to get better. They allow her to dictate her terms; I feelit about time one of the treating person tell mum that unless she help them to help her, there is very little chance she can get better as fast as they wish!!! Sound forceful but I feel sometimes even sick and elderly can benefits with some 'firm' reminder re . taking resposibility for restoring better health (even for short time) for themselves. Instead of whinging about this and that. MY mum biggest problem is she would agree with everything the Dr suggest, as soon as they leave (Hospice home visit), she would become very uncooperative and whinge about anything and everything, I am really frustruated by her behaviour, like any idea and suggestions to help me deal with mum. I am really exhausted!!!
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Just tell him that he is needed at the "care center" to work with friends and others and to socialize and help them feel better and they will feed him for free for his volunteering services.
You don't want to use the word "day care" because they may associate that term with children.
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Well, my dad has been going to adult day/health care for 2 months now, 3x a week for 4 hours each day. He was ok about it also until he finally went, and has nothing positive to say, he thinks I am "dumping him off" so I can go have tons of fun. Rosebud648, my dad is the same as yours, when he is home just sits and pouts. We thought (as did his doctors,) that some socialization would be great for him. He also receives physical therapy on the days he goes, 2 meals, gets his toe nails done 2x a month by a podiatrist! They even transport him back and forth! Monday he announced he couldn't go because he needed an enema (no way, he gets Miralax and senna every evening.) Well, he went poop no problem, just didn't want to go, and left in a huff. The social worker said he is just fine when he is there. He is a WWII vet, they have a room just for veterans and it is heavily funded by the VA, so he is paid for by the VA. Does your dad act "cute" and have a good attitude with people other than you, the caregiver? Mine does, that is why I say this. It is still hard for me to experience the way he barks at me and his negativity (which my attitude reflects his,) when I see him being nice with others, especially my family members. They have absolutely no idea what the role of a caregiver is (nor do they want it,) and think its just good times with good old dad, going to outings everyday and having a blast! My husband I are stressed out, blood pressure up, yuck. Like Miamadre suggested, don't tell him what to do, suggest or say "we" instead of "you," they don't like to be told what to do, hence my name, 58yrold child. My dad treats me like a 10 year old and is a control freak, always has been. It is hard for the elder to accept the role reversal, I think more so in men. Please keep trying, take good care of YOU! There's alot of us out there going through this, God bless all of us caretakers, good luck!
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Caregiver75104 is right on, call it a senior center or social center. Let him know the group enjoys his company, that makes him feel important and that he's a part of the circle of friends!
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Well, early this morning my dad called the senior center and told them not to pick him up because he needs to go shopping! My husband and I had some plans for the day (he is off work on Fridays,) but no go. This is not the first time dad has done this. Another day in paradise. . .
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I am a weekday caregiver of my elderly grandpa who has dementia. I take him to daycare almost everyday. We are blessed that his medicaid insurance can pay up to 5 days of daycare. They serve breakfast, lunch, and snacks. Which helps saves the family a lot on groceries. Everyday is almost the same routine. I tell him after breakfast to get dressed because he has to go to the "care center". And he always asks "Why do I need to go?" and I say something like "Well you have to do work to help your friends and they feed you there. If you do not do your work, you can't eat and food is free over there." (This statement is true because him being a client there helps the daycare business and pay its staff members LOL. Also, other clients enjoy his company so he is also "helping" their well being. And he is also helping me and the rest of the family so we can all get respite because he is being watched. So in actuality he is "working"! *wink wink*).
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