I appreciate this forum so much. I need your thoughts on this. My mother is 94 and my father is 92 (he will be 93 in March) and they are both in the same nursing home. My dad was put on hospice yesterday. This is a good thing because he is in a lot of pain and hospice can make him more comfortable.
I feel strange asking this question, but my dad probably doesn't have long to live. My question is if my mother should attend his funeral? She has Alzheimer's and is in a wheelchair. She can be very mean and is sometimes combative. There are days that she says dad is either her son or her brother.
Having said that, I personally know of one family in just your situation who considered it proper to take their mother to her husband's funeral and managed her between them (two sisters in middle age). The funeral was a formal affair in church. Anyone there who was disturbed by the mother's questions and occasional straying out of the pew was too polite to say so.
So. Don't take her if you think she would be upset, don't take her if you think she'd be too much to handle, don't take her just because other people think you should. But don't either avoid taking her just for fear that other people might be obliged to keep their opinions to themselves. Whatever you decide is correct, is correct.
Some of us may need to be encouraged to free ourselves of “what others think” for our own welfare.
Most of the random talkers have not experienced caregiving, and quickly stop inappropriate “talking” when and if they have the first hand experience.
my mom died a few months ago. Dad has fairly advanced dementia. He was very confused about mom’s death. We told him she was away at rehab and he accepted that. We still use that a year later if he asks about mom but his memory of her memory is slipping away now.
It would serve no purpose to explain her death to him and have to repeat it 30 minutes later. Attending her funeral would have been horrible for him.
find a story/fib that suits her reality and go with it.
You may want to consider yourself more in this equation, however. Later down the road...will you be at peace with your own grieving and closure process if you spend that time in a caregiver role, instead of the role of a grieving daughter?
As others have stated, your mom will likely not even remember the events (or that her spouse has died), but YOU WILL for years to come. Blessings to you during these life changing events.
For starters, let’s TOTALLY OMIT ANY CONSIDERATION about what ANYBODY thinks of your mom’s “conduct”, OR YOURS.
Unless and until anyone deals with the same as you are dealing with or more, they have ZERO right to ANY negative opinion.
NEXT- Make a little mental list of why and how mom will benefit from attending the funeral. Anything? Probably not, and very likely, Dad won’t miss her.
Now make a list of why and for precisely what reason(s) you are obligated to take her. Blank sheet of paper, right?
Your last step is to totally ignore any negativity you hear from your well thought out decision, and grnerouslysuggest that a complainer spend a nice long visit with Mom.
Bear up, treat yourself extra well, get as much rest as you can, and be true to what is kindest for Mom, then kindest for yourself.
Since they are in their 90s there probably aren't many friends and siblings left. Just have a very simple service. Have a short viewing before the service. Keep the service to just immediate family. A crowd will overwhelm her. So maybe, will people hugging and kissing her. Bring Mom when the service begins. Ask the minister to keep it short. More about Dad then all the scriptures we have heard at every funeral. Once service is over, allow Mom to see Dad and then take her immediately back to the home. Maybe a family member can go with her to settle her in. Have a closed graveside service and a luncheon afterwards for friends and family.
If she is aware, if they share the same room she will notice when he is no longer there. If she is or gets agitated when he is not near her expect that to increase, and you may want to discuss this with her doctor.
My gut reaction is to not have her attend. Just the extra people, the extra noise, transferred to someplace else (funeral home, then cemetery) will be confusing and exhausting for her as well as exhausting for you or the person that will be charged for caring for her for the duration.
This is a difficult enough time for you and the rest of the family, essentially loosing both parents.
If family would like to visit Mom they can visit where she is living. If I were you I would ask that just a few people at a time visit and to keep the visit very short. The entire family can get together for a Lunch or Dinner and visit without having to worry about Mom.
You could also ask the Hospice Nurse, Chaplain or Social Worker their opinion since they have probably met your Mom and they have come across this situation previously.
And not to be a real downer on this but depending on their relationship after your Dad dies I would expect Mom to be not far behind.
Who would benefit from her attending? The answer is no one. Not your Dad, not your Mom, and more importantly not You.
Your Dad’s funeral should be a time for you to celebrate his life with family and friends, without having to worry about your Mom. If anyone should ask just say she is sick, and that’s the truth.
I hope you don’t mind reading about my plans, as I will face this as well, and made my decision for when the time comes.
Mom, 91, has lived with me for ten years, has Alzheimer’s and physical issues. She is between stage one and three, is incontinent, and uses a walker and a wheelchair at times. Despite those issues she is happy and functional with help. We put my Dad, 89, aging Dementia, in NHAL a year ago. I could no longer care for both.
Mom does not ask to see Dad, but is happy to visit him. We go at least once a week for lunch. Both are VERY hard of hearing so not much chat, just me talking.
My Dad understands a lot. When I visit Dad alone he always asks where’s your mother. He tells me say hi to her.
My Mom is on a waiting list for a Medicaid bed in same NH as Dad.
If Dad goes before Mom, I won’t tell her he died, and not take her to the funeral.
I want her memories of him to be happy. I want his service to be a happy celebration of his and her life. If Mom goes before Dad I’ll tell him and leave it to him if he wants to go. I will hire an aide for him.
There are six kids only the three of us are involved with parents care. They are in same state with me, the brothers out of state. We don’t speak with other siblings and it was their choice! I decided on cremation, a small memorial service at the cemetery, and a luncheon for guests. My brother does not want siblings there and I agree. It’s been years over 10 years since any visited.
The siblings will be advised after service of passing. As far as reading of will, I told all siblings is they come for reading they should bring their checkbooks as they will own the “estate” money! LOL
I’m sorry you are facing this. Remember with Faith, Hope, and Love we can do anything.
Our dad passed when mom was still okay. If he were to pass now, I most certainly would not take mom (95) to any service. She has short term memory loss along with some long term loss now. She is living between two worlds now, there here and now, but often asking about or to go see her mother (gone 40+ years) and more recently her father (gone 50+ years.) But she still knows me, and as far as I know she still remembers dad (passed 10 years ago), but hauling her anywhere is taxing on her AND me (more concerned with how it impacts her though.)
The noise, confusion, multiple people interfacing, as well as the length of time, including travel, this would all likely be too much for and she likely would have no clue what it was all about.
Being in a wheelchair wouldn't be an issue in this decision, but her ability to understand what is going on, know who dad really is and a penchant for being mean and combative sounds like a recipe for disaster! If you decide to take her to the funeral and/or the burial, I would ask her doctor about getting an anti-anxiety med to keep her from "acting out" (we use Lorazepam, a very low low dose, doesn't require days to buildup, generally kicks in after about 20 minutes even with the first dose and is just enough to take the "edge" off, but not have her "out of it" - used sparingly only for those times when redirection for sun-downing doesn't work.)
As for those who smack talk if she is or isn't there - too bad. As others suggested, if they are SOOOO concerned about her and your dad, let them buck up and visit NOW while they are alive!!! Put up or shut up.
I've posted it before: One thing my mother and I agree on - if you can't be bothered to visit me while I am alive, don't bother coming when I am dead!!!!
We had a one hour visitation followed by the funeral. Mom was asking me why they had her picture on the screen with the man she knew from church. I told her it’s because she was a pretty lady, probably. She loved the attention she got from people she didn’t remember but loved the hugs.
When the service started the minister was saying how much my Mom and Step-father gave to the church and how they helped build the building we were in. He also talked about all of their travels (they traveled all over the world). Each time the minister said something about them he looked at Mom. She leaned into me and said, “I need to get out of here, they are telling lies about me!” I told her to not make a fuss, we would leave as soon as it was over, to just ignore what the minister said it shouldn’t be very much longer.
Then, came the time when they moved the casket down the aisle, Mom couldn’t understand why she had to be the first one following the casket. I told her we were sitting in the front row and they were getting us in order and that maybe someone told them we needed to leave quickly. She said, that’s probably right.
We got to the cemetery she couldn’t understand why she needed to sit. I told her it’s because she had a dress on and the wind was blowing and, probably, they were afraid her dress would end up blowing up and exposing her. She said, that’s very thoughtful.
If you want to take her to the funeral, keep it short and with a short visitation. If I had to do it over again I probably wouldn’t have taken Mom to the cemetery but I was driving and my brother came in from Florida. As I said before, she loved the hugs and attention she was getting from everyone even though she had no idea who they were or why they were there.
So, my BIL's mentally ill brother shouldn't have attended his mother's funeral because he was prone to making inappropriate comments? Only nice people, whose turnout and manners can be relied on, are allowed? What if they're old and they drool a bit or they smell or they're deaf and don't know how loud their "private" remarks might be?
People attending a funeral are there to honour the deceased person to the best of their ability. When it comes to their fellow mourners, they can take the rough with the smooth as well there as anywhere else.
My grandmother was 102 when she was taken across country to the funeral of her granddaughter, my cousin. It was the last time much of her extended family would be able to see and interact with my grandmother. It was as much of a way for extended family to say goodbye to my grandmother as it was a service for my cousin. I disagree with method of transportation because being in a car for hours was too hard on grandmother, but other than that I understand WHY my cousins wanted her to be present even though she had dementia and wouldn't know anyone and would have to be monitored.
I'm leaning toward her not going. We are not having a funeral service. We are having visitation and then a grave side service for immediate family. Most of the people who attend visitation will be there to express condolences to me and my sisters. My parents' family have either died, live far away, or do not really know them.
It is really not that I think she will be embarrassing or say something inappropriate. It is that I'm afraid she will become combative and not let us help her or go with us. She does not have a good time of the day anymore. It doesn't matter it is early in the day because she is so unpredictable.
Sometimes you have to do what is best for you! This is very hard on a person and need that time to just grieve and heal and not lay any guilt on yourself. Remember they wouldn't want it any other way if they could tell you themselves!
May God comfort you in your time of need.