My 78-year-old mother has lived with me for 11 years following my divorce, ostensibly to help with childcare. Our relationship has always been strained. Despite my older sibling living nearby, I've shouldered the responsibility alone. While covering most of her expenses, her presence has been difficult due to:
Interferes with my parenting- Shows favoritism among grandchildren- Meddles in my relationships- Displays negative attitude- Lacks social connections.
Despite her being in relatively good health, I'm struggling with her continued presence in my home. I feel guilty considering asking her to leave, but my mental health is suffering.
Demand.
May I ask you why?
At the time you first allowed your mother to move in with you she was still relatively young.
How and why did that occur?
That a well mother moved in with you when relatively young is already an unusual thing. It means you had a somewhat unusual relationship at the time you thought that was a good idea. A relationship in which you thought it was a good idea?
What has changed overall.
I think that you DO know, at 78, you mother MAY have (if healthy) another two decades of life left.
Have you sat with her at any point in the last 11 years and said "Mom, it really isn't working with us being roommates; I would like you to find your own place and sure am willing to help you find one nearby; this melding and enmeshment isn't good for us, and isn't working for me". Have you done this at a point when you aren't bickering with one another?
Is there an honest relationship with one another where you have honest discussions without rancor about what is and isn't working?
I think that a Forum of absolute strangers to you and your mom, with no knowledge whatsoever of an 11 year relationship living together, wouldn't be a good gage of what should happen here.
What happens is up to you.
I would now have the honest relationship with mom if I wanted her out. I wouldn't make it an option. I would say that this isn't working for you; that you would love her nearby, and will be there as she adjusts and moves on to more care when needed, to assist with her moves, but don't wish to live together anymore--that you wish to live alone. Hopefully mom has good savings to assist in this.
Good luck.
Think about what you are doing to your kids having them in this environment.
Tell her don't ask, set your boundaries and stick to them. Sending support your way!
Tell her that you need your home, life and family back to yourself and it's long past due that she too gets on with her life on her own.
You SHOULD NOT feel any guilt for wanting your home back, as you and your children deserve that much. And the fact that your mental health is now suffering definitely puts a sense of urgency on things.
So tell mom she has until the end of November to find a new place to live. And don't back down. You'll be glad you stood up for yourself and your family.
Would your Mom be able to budget for living in a senior facility. I remember back when my Dad moved into Independent Living at a senior facility, he was paying $5k (that was a few years ago). He loved it there, and had said he wished he would have moved in years earlier. His rent included weekly housekeeping and linen service. Plus dinner in a restaurant style community dining room. I remember seeing some of the ladies, they were dressed "to the nines" :)
If budgeting for Independent Living isn't durable, check to see if there are any senior apartments where the rent is based on ones income (social security, pension, etc.) Some larger metro areas are building new ones.
Where I live there are HUD apts. Rent is 30% of her monthly income. Electric is not included, nor phone, nor the cost of cable. Cable? Maybe a good antennia. Electric? A/C would cost but can work around that with a few tricks. Phone? Tracfone or something similar is the cheap way to go.