I haven't been away from home for several years. I retired a year ago, so I don't need a vacation. But, my husband wants to go to a WW2 convention and I am going with him. My mom is 88 years old and lives alone. My brother stays with her three or four days a week. However, he won't do anything for her except in an emergency. He will take her to a doctor or call for an ambulance. She is doing OK right now. We will be leaving in mid - October. But she tells me she might need me and to send her the hotel phone number and dates I will be gone. I told her I would. Two days later she asks if I sent the letter. I didn't yet. I tell her I will send it in a couple of days. She repeats that she may need me. And that she guesses she will have to call the hotel if she does need me. I feel guilty when she says this. She has no one to help her when there are problems except me. There are no friends for relatives left. I don't want to have to never go away for a week until she dies. The conference is a week. I can't make it shorter. If there is a health emergency I have to come home early, but hoping not. I could make phone calls from the hotel for her if necessary. She is not trying to manipulate me. She has anxiety disorder (I have it too), plus she does have health problems.
It is a vicious cycle that breaks up marriages too - the needy spouse tried to pull the other one in, the other one pulls away just because they feel smothered, so the needy one feels neglected and pulls in even harder.
"I would nevers" are usually spoken by people who have never been in those shoes. You DO enough to assure care and safety, then you GO. And the hesitance to give all your numbers out is understandable, your fear of being called and pulled back for something less than truly necessary may not be unrealistic. People can fabricate emergencies and some may have no hesitation to punish the person who dares to take a little time away from them. Some of how you handle that depends on how well you can even talk about it with them. The thing is, if you can't work it out, you WILL be stuck without taking a break ever until she dies and really - if she could think straight - would she WANT you to be secretly sort of eager for her demise just so you could have a life, or a break?
Confession time - my mom and dad always had ALL my numbers :-) and it was a mixed blessing when mom could not remember how to use the phone to call me any more. She'd used to call me instead of ask staff when she was running out of supplies, right in the middle of team conference...and I was sad when I realized that would not be happening anymore, though also a little relieved.
She was just in her late seventies when she could not be left alone any more, and I've known 90+ year olds that not only took care of themsevles fine on their own but took care of ailing spouses to boot. SO I would not say just "age 88" is the factor to determine all your decisions.
If your mom won't allow caregivers to come in, that's her choice. And that's fine. But she makes those choices and there are consequences. If you offer good options and your parent chooses not to take them, that's not YOUR fault and you should feel no guilt about going away.
They've made you feel their ONLY caregiver in the world is you and that's simply not the truth. You can get help from other resources than just you. What would happen if each of you keeled over dead (God forbid)? I guarantee your moms would survive. I love my mom and I take very good care of her (my brother lives states away and does very little). But when I go away, I KNOW I need that respite and I can turn off the worry.
There are hospitals and 911 for any true emergency. Your moms will be OK. And if they have an emergency, that's what hospitals are for. Turn off that undeserved guilt! It serves no one!!
I took my first vacation in years in July. I told my brother I was going and that that was that. I only had to call one day while I was on vacation and that was to see how her neurologist appointment went. My brother is the one that takes my mother to her doctors appointments.
I too struggle with the guilt you shared, but my mother is not a loving person. She never was even prior to the dementia. I now do what I can and that just hast to be enough. My health started to decline and I also had no freedom etc.
Go on vacation and have a good time. Take care of yourself.
GO and have a GOOD TIME.
Yet when my parents were my age, they were traveling all over the place without a care in the world. I keep wondering when will my time come as I am aging, too.
I am relating to your concerns because I think I recognize the internal guilit-driven conflict you are experiencing, although I am not sure. I am the only child and when I go away even for a few days, it is SO HARD! do you think you can go and have a good time? If you think you can, maybe have a discussion with your mother as to what would make her feel safe. You have a lot of thngs going for you, even if your brother only does a half-hearted job. You have him, an emergency alert system, and she can call you. Give her your contact information as soon as you can. Do you have a cell phone? Sometimes I wonder if it is worth the anxiety of leaving to please my husband and have a good time, however tainted by worry and guilt. But, I have been doing it. A week is a long time, but you have more resources than I do! Maybe your mom would like to have a caregiver drop by for a couple of hours every other day? At any rate, I truly feel for you because these are hard times and tough decisions for the tender hearted! It is nice you care so much--you have to caree for yourself too! What does your "inner self" tell you to do? We have lots of wisdom if we can relax long enough to hear our inner spirit! Good luck to you, sweet lady!
If an emergency arises, and she contacts you, you can call 911 (the only route you should take in an emergency) and call your brother to alert him. He can then meet her at the hospital. Have your brother call her every day while you're gone.
Buy a Realtor lock box for your front door (You should have one even if you don't go away) in which you keep the key to the house. They generally require one to push a 4-number combination to open and access the key. If she keeps her storm door locked, be ready to instruct paramedics (on the phone) to break the storm door lock; they'll get the combination from you so that they can get in the house. Tell them everything they'll need is in an envelope on her fridge. Tell them you're out of town, but will immediately be contacting her son who lives close by as soon as you can.
In a big brown envelope marked PARAMEDICS (in bold-tipped Magic Marker) put the following: a list of her medications and dosages; a list of her primary ailments, for instance: Diabetic; Congestive Heart Failure; Mild Parkinson's Disease; include your contact information and your brother's contact information.
They now have everything they need to get your mom professional care even if NO ONE is available to go with her. These precautions should be taken even if you WEREN'T going out of town.
And don't hop the next plane, for Heaven's sake. Get hold of your brother, ask him to meet her at the hospital, wait an hour or two and call the emergency room to find out if she's just there for a tune-up or something more serious is going on.
When your brother gets there, have him call you on his cell if he has one and let you talk to mom to reassure her that she's going to be just fine; her son is going to watch after her, and if it's anything serious, you're on the next flight home.
Have a wonderful trip. You deserve it.
But what's the problem with giving your mother a note of the dates you will be away, and the number of the hotel (with In Case Of Emergencies underlined next to it!)? Aren't these fairly standard details to leave with a family member? If she does start badgering you on a daily basis, with questions like when are you coming home or how do I use the TV remote, I expect the hotel switchboard will be able to intercept calls for you and head her off.
But, about your brother. Well. For the week you're away, he is on call. If God forbid there is any kind of crisis, then he's going to have to deal with it anyway because it'll be hours before you can be on the scene. And it's only a week. I feel sure he could rise to the occasion if he put his mind to it. And if that still doesn't reassure you, what about this: how do you manage when your brother goes away for a week? Just fine, I expect? Well then. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Let them cope. All will be well.
Years ago I lived alone after my divorce in a big old empty house for about 10 years... never had any issues. But once I had cancer it turned my whole world upside down and now I tend to feel so uneasy being by myself. My heart would skip a beat and that would put my mind into over drive thinking something is wrong.
Like I said, I know how your Mom feels.
It is really so wonderful that you and your mother are a comfort to each other in dealing with your anxiety disorders. I am so glad you have each other! But truly, you can both be separated for a week without terrible things happening.
Are you being treated for your disorder? Maybe your doctor or therapist can help reassure you about this outing.
I don't know a lot about treating anxiety, but I would think it would be helpful to realize that you are not dependent on a single person or thing for emergencies. If she does need help while you are gone it makes far more sense for her to reach out to someone who is physically closer. She can notify you from ER or after she has been helped.
If Mom really is not capable of calling 911 or her son or pushing an alert button, then she should probably be in respite care while you are gone. If she successfully lives alone, that seems kind of drastic to me, but it is an option.
You deserve an outing. Your husband deserves to have you travel with him. Go. Have fun.